Supportive Spouse

[leffrey]

My wife is going in for weight loss surgery on the Monday Oct 26th 2009. She is concerned that I will not be able to handle her, or other men looking at her, after she loses the weight.

We met 13 years ago on a Fat Acceptance User Group. She has only known me as being an 'Admirer of Large Woman'. She has stated "I believe it is fear of not being good enough & being able to handle the phyisical new me."

I love her and respect her for who and what she is, through THICK and THIN she is the best thing that's happened to me.

How can I be more supportive to her?

[MrsMacDugle]

Did you ever tell her that you would stop loving her if she was thinner?  If so you may have to just continue to reasure her that you won't.

I was thin once & now I'm an obese woman with a very loving husband that when we ment I was thin & as I gained weight he lost interest with me because he doesn't like & finds fat woman gross.  But, he still loves me & accepts me & tells me so as he found out what caused me to gain all the weight, my thyroid went out & after my hysterectomy with that drop of hormones I gained weight, but because I enjoy cooking he has gained weight too & he was about 100 lbs lighter when we 1st met & that was 13 yrs ago & we are still happily married but we have to continue to reassure each other that no matter what we will always love each other.

At my heaviest I was 360 lbs I'm now down to 250+ but I've lost a great deal.  

Just reassure her continueously that you will still Love her.  Give her time to make that adjustment.  She will in time begin to Love & accept her new person too. And if you continue to prove yourself by not leaving her than she will know that you Love & accept her for the new her too!

[Barb135]

I hope the surgery went well!!  As MrsMacDugle said -- just keep reassuring her that you love her no matter what her body looks like.  

I, too, have a thyroid problem and because of it, I gained 30+ pounds in a little over 3 months --- ugh -- and am finding it extremely hard to lose it. My husband has never said he doesn't "love me" now that I'm heavier, but in the past, he's always made comments like "gee,I sure hope you never get fat" -- or similar, so I can't help but think I'm less attractive to him than I used to be..........

It's all about reassurance -- and not just the words; the actions have to match.  

[leffrey]

I keep telling that I love her and whatever condition her had, for good or for bad, I will never stop loving her. This is something she posted in another WLS forum.

"My spouse latched onto the worse case scenario [about the surgery]. I believe its fear of not being good enough & being able to handle the physical new me.

[He] never [asked] the question: How is this going to change our relationship? What am I going to do when others are looking 'cause she is hot?

I have men in the grocery store NOW that are friendly and attempt to get my attention on a regular basis @ 365#!!!! What is it going to be like when I am half the women I am now?"

She doesn't believe a word I say. I've never been with a smaller woman. I am accepting and kind and never called her gross or anything verbal abusive.  

What now?

[Barb135]

Hard as it may be, just don't give up.  But like I said before --- you can't do it with WORDS alone -- you've heard the saying "actions speak louder than words" --- well, that's true and it takes time to build up that trust.

From what you posted that SHE wrote, it sounds to me like she thinks you are going to be jealous when/if other people (men) flirt with her, as they well might.  Have you considered how you would react to that?  

AND -- what is the worst case scenario??  No, you really don't have to answer my questions.  To be perfectly honest with you, I would strongly recommend that the 2 of you get professional counseling.  It would have been best to do that BEFORE the surgery in order to work through possible problems, but it's never too late........there is also a relationship forum here on medhelp, from which you might get some guidance on this issue.  

Good luck to you both.