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Avatar universal

mid life crisis for men

I would like to find out for those of you men out there if you have gone through this and why?  The reason I am asking is 3 weeks ago my husband came home and told me he didn't love me anymore.  He said I love you as a person, and respect you.  This is after being with him for 31 years and doing everything for him.  Taking care of him while he was sick, when he lost his job, standing by him.  I was also asked to care for his dying father last year he was battling cancer, I agreed, I cared for his dad in our home 24/7 until he passed.

Can someone explain to me how a husband justifies to himself this is right to do to his wife.
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Avatar universal
Goldie I can sympathize with you. I am getting divorced after 40 years and I too say this should be the time of our lives when we should be enjoying the fruits of our labor and he is choosing to do it without me. He suddenly stopped talking to me 4 yrs ago and I have been waiting for him to wake up to what he would be losing but he hasn't. He made "best friends" with another woman...secretly went to key west with her in her RV and also was gone for 2 months at an RV repair camp with her.I had no idea where he was... He spoke not a word to me for 3 1/2 years. After 1 year I tried to speak to him and that is when I found out about the "friend" . I begged him to stay away from her because he had emotionally betrayed me...it was like I was being gutted. After hours of trying to make him see what he had done to me, he told me he couldn't do that to her! I felt like my heart was ripped out. In the past year, because I have filed for divorce, he has tried to reconcile but I find him still seeing his friend despite promising as of the filing, that he will not see her. The lies never end...he asks women to meet him for drinks and do other things with him but does little with me. Sometimes he will take me to breakfast on a weekend but I know he is going to ditch me later in the day no matter what I say to get him to stay and spend the time with me. I could go on but I am sure you get what I am saying. I can't figure how he could risk his marriage like this. I think he has become so entitled, that he thinks he can sweet talk me into thinking everything is fine, and still sneak around behind my back. I always find out what he is up to. My heart is broken, but I cannot live like this. You can't be with someone who doesn't treat you like you are the most important person in their life. I will not come last on the list to his many friends and activities he chooses to leave me out of. I am worth more than that. You are too. Relationships can't be one sided despite the length of time you have been together. Enjoy your children and grandchildren and keep your head high. He may regret his decisions but you cannot waste your life hoping he comes to his senses. We are all responsible for our ultimate happiness! Good luck! I know it hurts but be strong!
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Avatar universal
i agree with you, mine just left me after 22 yrs,I took care of him when he was sick , during all his surgeries and all of a sudden you come home from work and you don't love me anymore Really !  I am hurt and this this is worst than a women on menopause,,at least its just hot flashes , not breaking the entire family apart. I feel for you Goldie21
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  this post is from 2008.  Please start your own thread for responses.  Go to the top of this page and hit ask a question.  Please turn cap lock off and we are happy to read someone's story and try to help them.  good luck and peace to all
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Avatar universal
PLZ PRAY FOR OURS. WE ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING.  I TOOK MY MARRIAGE VOWS SERIOUSLY AND FOR KEEPS IN FRONT OF GOD. PLZ PRAY MY HUSBAND SEES WHAT HE IS DOING AND STOPS THE CRAZINESS AND COMES BACK TO OUR FAMILY. OUR KIDS ARE 18,21,23 AND ARE DEVASTATED BY HI BEHAVIOR. WE SEPARATED IN NOV. AND WHEN HIS DAD PASSED IN DEC. WE STARTED TALKING AGAIN AND BECAME CLOSER AGAIN. STARTED WORKING ON US AND WHEN HE LOST HIS JO HE BECAME A DIFFERENT PERSON AND STARTED DRINKING AGAIN AND HANGING OUT WITH OLD FRIENDS AND THIS WOMAN FROM THE PAST NEEDLESS TO SAY SHES STIL AROUND AND THRS A THING BETWEEN THEM. KIDS WONT TALK TO HIM BECAUSE HE LEFT HIS FAMILY FOR HIS NEW WAY OF LIFE. I SEE HIM AND WERE TOGETHER""THEN GOES TO HER HOUSE THE NEXT DAY. TALKS TO HER AL THE TIME. SAYS WE HAD A BAD MORE THAN GOOD PAST. WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 20 YRS. AND I WONT GIVE UP. I KNOW HE STILL HAS FEELINGS FOR ME, I CAN SEE IT. BUT THEN SHUTS THEM OFF AND BECOMES MEAN. PLZ PRAY HE SEES WHATS HES DOING TO ALL OF US AND COMES BACK TO HIS FAMILY. IM SO HURT AND CRIES ALL THE TIME. I CANT SEEM TO GET PAST THIS.
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Avatar universal
I am currently going through a similar situation. Married for 17 years, together for 20 years. We have two amazing children together. I was told one day that he loves, but is not in live with me. There's someone else and they have feelings for each other. He initially said we could work on things, which lasted a day. He saw her at work and then told me he was happier at work than at home because of the guilt. He told the kids that we always put them first and he wanted to put himself first now. So cruel and heartless. I don't even recognize him any more. He moved out and moved in with his parents, who he hasn't talked to in two years, as well as his sister (hadn't spoken to her in three years). He needed them as they are all lawyers. He didn't initially want to see the kids that much, but once he realized child support was effected based on the amount of time I had with the kids, his tune quickly changed. He has since had a vasectomy, not told to me directly. I found out accidentally. He has condom wrappers in his drawer, that my son has seen when he goes for visitation. He tells the kids they have to be nice to the "other woman." They have no interest in ever seeing her and asked me what I could do about it. It's such a helpless feeling. I feel a loss of our previous life, for what our family used to be. I stayed home for 14 years with the kids, only now to try and figure out finances and hopefully managing to stay in the house. He is very evil now and has such a sinister laugh now, wanting me to experience pain. I try to ignore him, as that seems the best way to deal with his ugly, selfish ways. He filed the divorce papers and has continued to try and blame me. I know this is his issue, but it is awful to see the kids go through this now. They are set up to see him for six days, starting Tuesday. Dealing with being apart from the kids is the worst part. This is worse than death. Death is final. This is an ongoing hell, as we will forever be bound by our two children. I pray for him, as I think that is the only thing that can help him now. It's awful. Awful to think how much time I vested in our marriage and how to start over again. I turn 40 this month...half of my life was shared with this man, who I don't even know any more. Very painful. Hoping the kids will be ok.
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1894410 tn?1364190055
Your story is so close to mine, I am so sorry you have been through this, I must say it was the most painful thing I have been through. My ex hubby now wants to see if he can fall in love with me, like I have done something wrong. Is this the same feelings you are getting, he will not talk about what has happened in the last year. I know he blames me for everything, if I was a better wife, mother, friend and housekeeper. Well I spoiled him rotten and that was the worse thing I could of done in hind sight because he is so wrap up in himself, he will never see the truth.  We had a wonderful marriage and he was a good husband and father, I would love to know what you have been thinking about spending the future with your ex. He has done many hurtful things and I do not know if I can get past it. How could I ever trust him, how could I make love to him, knowing where he has been. He lies now, he is really bad at it, but he is not the person a married, but is it better to work on it with him or just cut and run. I am very confused...would love your input.  Elvy..
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Avatar universal
I am currnetly going throught the same mess. I have been married 32 yrs and was a loving, caring, cheerleader and partner to my husband. I have actually taken much better care of him and my boys than I took care of myself. I am truly sorry for that now. He started telling me how unhappy he was last year at this time, and I encouraged him to seek counseling for his ACOA issues. He did that , but was more and more distant and reclusive, hiding out in his den all the time and clinging to his side of the bed. He was cutting me off and just acting polite...it was killing me...so I told him it may be better if he moves out for a while..and he did....I had been very concerned about how suddenly this occured and knew there was a puzzle piece missing....he denied it and denied it, even citing that HE would never get involved with someone without first getting a divorce...blah blah blah... sure enough after 3 months of pressing him , he finally admitted there was someone else, he was starving to have those "feelings" again!  Well, I was devastated, and he was so self decieved, he actually thought our grown children would "understand" . He called and let them know right then...to make a long story short he was back that same week, he himself devastated....however, that sorrow was short lived and he became very depressed and left again a couple of weeks ago. He says he cut the other woman off cold turkey and is now living with his mother... but still doesn't love me...and it "doesn't look good"....I took vows that I intend to keep with the help of God! It is not easy, and I know I am powerless over anyone else, so I have to let go...completely...but marriage is a stong bond and I don't feel alone...I know I took those vows in the presence of God and that He works for the good of the family...He's a pretty great partner...as nothing is impossibe for Him! I don't know my outcome yet, but I trust that the present and the future is full of Hope. My twin siter went through a similar situation 20 yrs ago and waited 6 yrs for her husband to return, they are now a solid and amazing family, with 4 kids that are the most loving people alive! She persisted in prayer through a horrible and what seemed hopeless circumstance and came through.....We have prayed for many families through this kind of crisis, most have reconciled...don't lose HOPE
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1894410 tn?1364190055
Well, I have had the same journey, after 30 years marriage with a loving and happy man until his parents died and he has never been the same. He gave me the talk I love you but not in love with you talk, and he is now drinking and smoking and he had an affair with a 22yr old bimbo who went to high school with our daughter. It has been a year and half since then and I simply got on with my life, he left his family nothing, he took 200k from our bank account and we had to leave our country town because he was screwing her next door.
I will never understand what happens with these men, they are normal men and women and then bang, they turn into this selfish person. My ex is trying to get back his family but I just don't trust him at all and never will.

They blame everyone else, mind still can not work out what he did wrong and if I ask him any questions, he says I am pushing him. What a weak person he has turned into. All I know is I do not like the person he is know so I have to move on. The kids and I have become very close and I now have a grandson, I have bought us a home and we are on our way to a happy future with my ex. I am now going through the divorce and he is so shock that I would divorce him.
I want to move on and I would love to find love again in the future, I feel I have a lot of love to give. I really do not think anyone has the answers..good luck to anyone going through this hell.
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Avatar universal
Weird because my ex wife had an identity crisis, she went from a very conservative lady to smoking and getting tattoos almost over night ... she started drinking and using drugs and running around with girls half her age. Eventually she married a guy ten years younger, he makes no money and they live in a rented dump.

I make decent money, I have full custody of our kid ... I out right own my house and do not use any drugs or drink ...

I dont feel sorry for her, I am pissed at her ... my struggle is getting past being mad ...

Anyways, the point is that both men and woman can have identity crisis and what I have learned, is that if we can recognize thats what going on ... we can also be wise enough to NOT make important life decisions while in the midst of a crisis.

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Avatar universal
I am wondering how many men go through this and regret their decisions.  Mine did the same to me after 28 years of marriage.  And he chose someone 14 years his Jr...although uneducated, ugly and fat.  I on the other hand, was educated, never let myself go and maintained a lovely clean home.  He married her.  I wonder if he has lived to regret it??  But I am sure he would never admit it.  I do feel sorry for him now - that is after cryiing a river and much therapy.
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Avatar universal
I am working through a mid life crisis and part of that is to re examine relationships and consider my future ... its normal for a man to do that.

My doctor's advice was to NOT make any decisions for a year
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Avatar universal
Hello everyone,

Our 32nd wedding anniversary is this week.  Last summer my husband announced that he wasn't in love with me.  He still loves me but he isn't in love with me.  

A friend suggested a book on mid-life crisis and it was immediately apparent that my husband was going through his MLC.  However, he refused to consider that this is what was happening.  He has now reconsidered.

He is adamant that he needs to move out of our house and be on his own.  And he is actively looking for an apartment.  (In which I hope he is completely miserable!)  

I have never in my life hurt so much.  I am trying to do what all the books tell you to do in these situations.  And the books are full of success stories.  My question to this group is - do any of you have a success story?  Has anyone had their husband leave and then realize he made a mistake and came back home?  Can anyone provide a sliver of hope?

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Avatar universal
I am going through the same thing as you described here. Has there been any update, change, or hope for yourself? As I am lost, and need to know that it will be okay  ..... one way or the other.
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Avatar universal
My point was that the clues for a failing  relationship become evident long before the day when a loved one moves out. The clues are there if you listen. In my case, they were embodied in all of the supportive ways that I encouraged personal growth and independence. I received resistance or nothing in return. I wanted a partner and, instead, i have another dependent. My situation is unique, but the failures started many years ago. Children kept us together but, as they mature, the failed relationship between my wife and I has become just all the more apparent. Sad to say that we are no longer each others person. After 22 years, I don't know quite how to end it.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think you can speak for yourself but not all.  I think your attitude about marriage says a lot about the type you probably had.  Feeling mooched off of and narcissistic spouse, etc.  I wouldn't generalize your own mistakes and sad life to everyone else.  

good luck to all dealing with difficult crossroads in their lives.
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Avatar universal
Wow! First, nothing is forever. Second, if you want it to last, then LISTEN to your spouse. All of those comments about "I wish you would ..." and all of those ideas for self improvement and all of those arguments that ended in changed behavior for a week or 2 - they all added up to poison the emotional well. In middle age, we look at those as part of the things gone wrong and jettison the relationship because it's just not something that we want as part of our legacy. And, this all happens years before we cheat, as we waste our precious youth on narcissistic spouses who just cannot figure our what happened as they used us up and mooched off of us for years.
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4353129 tn?1353262455
Wow I'm going thru the same thing only I'm a gay male my ex and I were together for 23 yrs raised my now adult son and have a grandson to boot,we have a beautiful home great jobs and wanted for nothing about a year ago I caught him cheating and we both agree we did'nt want that kind of relationship anymore (when we were younger like most gay couples we had an open but not talked about openly relationship) We agree at age 50/52 we needed to focus on each other and work this out ,started to go to the same gym got ourselfs in great shape etc. one month ago I came home early and found him in bed with a very young man,he told me they had just met and he was in love he also said the same old b/s I love you very much care for u deeply but don't love u that way anymore,he moved out w/in an hour just his clothes no pixs/no memontos nothing but the clothes he could put in plastic bags call me an hour later said he was planning this for a while and having me catch him made it easyier what an ******* he also a cop so I've totally have lost all respect for him and his job well its been a month now not one call text nothing how one can just take 23 yrs and throw it away like its nothing has left me heartboken ashamed and feeling very unloved,I was the more fit attractive and younger of the two and I know I will be fine someday,My heart stilll aches but deepdown I know I could never be happy knowing I could never trust him again even as a freind,eveyone says he'll be back begging to be in my live again I pray to god I have the strenght to tell him to get lost!Just wanted to let folks know that wealso go thru the same things in life its not easy but in time I think we'll all be ok thanks for listening Ric
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Avatar universal
it is very difficult to justify anything that hurts another... I am male.. you;re asking an answer to a question that reflects a kind of love you gave to your partner... so many answer for that... anything from boosting your anger or pity your partner for 31 years... men who hide their cheating acts love his family... but for a man who just got home and tell his wife that the love has gone... he's hiding some pain inside and needs help, and understanding from a person whom he believes to be the first to understand and that is the wife, a faithful wife
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I'm glad he will try and I wish you both peace and luck.  Maybe you can seek the help of a counselor as a middle person to help it along.  I'm a firm believer in that.  Let us know how it goes and I'll continue to send you prayers.  Peace and luck!
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Avatar universal
thank you so much.. actually last night he came to the house. we talked & he agreed to try. we are taking it slow. too slow for me but I have to do what i can to save my relationship & family.  hopefully it will all be worth it in the end, if not i dont know what i will do. i appreciate the prayers i need it. the road will be long but I know it will be ok.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Welcome to the forum and I am just so sorry to hear this.  I'm sure you are so very sad, confused and hurt.  maybe even a little angry.  

Do you think that your husband could be depressed?  I always wonder about such dramatic changes in situations like you describe if some emotional issues are at play with the party that changes so much.

Again, I'm so very sorry and we are here to support you.  peace
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Avatar universal
my husband & I have been together 25 years. very loving, affectionate, great sex, caring. last 6 months he has changed dramatically. very cold, uninterested, pushing me away at every chance no interest in sex. his job is stressful, we started fighting because of the way he was acting towards me, he now says he dont love me and does not want to make it work. I am beside myself. i have tried everything, he left and I am having a very hard time with it.  we have 3 children, 23-14-12   we have been together since we were 17 & 15.  I am at a loss for words and I have to be running out of tears.
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Avatar universal
I am kind of in same boat. Myhusband and i have been together 21 years.  He looks like sufferred the same crisis.  And he said similar words to me.  I may share some detail late. I still love him but it is difficult, there is another young woman involved.  I may can go through this disappoint period.  I will not blame him too much.  Currently I must concern our only kid first, he is going through his teenager and he used to be happy boy, but changed to be rude, easy to be angery, I tried not show my negative feeling to him but our situation still affect him a lot.  Even without my crisis, we have difficult to talk to him.  Now things goes to be worse.  I don't know how or can I talk to my husband about this again.  This may cause another argument.  I am hesitate.  I believe both us still love our son although we suffered and have this sad time.  He feel he is shamed for being out of controled.  How I can work with my son's problem, he is in his special, 10th grade.  I would like he become a normal person with responsibility.  But he doesn't want to talk to me at all.  He want to play computer games long time, watch TV long time,  then start his homework around midnight.   It is 4 am, He is still studying, I know it not right.  And he becomes mad and verbal rude word if I try to talk to him.            
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Avatar universal
I am kind of in same boat. Myhusband and i have been together 21 years.  He looks like sufferred the same crisis.  And he said similar words to me.  I may share some detail late. I still love him but it is difficult, there is another young woman involved.  I may can go through this disappoint period.  I will not blame him too much.  Currently I must concern our only kid first, he is going through his teenager and he used to be happy boy, but changed to be rude, easy to be angery, I tried not show my negative feeling to him but our situation still affect him a lot.  Even without my crisis, we have difficult to talk to him.  Now things goes to be worse.  I don't know how or can I talk to my husband about this again.  This may cause another argument.  I am hesitate.  I believe both us still love our son although we suffered and have this sad time.  He feel he is shamed for being out of controled.  How I can work with my son's problem, he is in his special, 10th grade.  I would like he become a normal person with responsibility.  But he doesn't want to talk to me at all.  He want to play computer games long time, watch TV long time,  then start his homework around midnight.   It is 4 am, He is still studying, I know it not right.  And he becomes mad and verbal rude word if I try to talk to him.            
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