mid life crisis for men

[Goldie21]

I would like to find out for those of you men out there if you have gone through this and why?  The reason I am asking is 3 weeks ago my husband came home and told me he didn't love me anymore.  He said I love you as a person, and respect you.  This is after being with him for 31 years and doing everything for him.  Taking care of him while he was sick, when he lost his job, standing by him.  I was also asked to care for his dying father last year he was battling cancer, I agreed, I cared for his dad in our home 24/7 until he passed.

Can someone explain to me how a husband justifies to himself this is right to do to his wife.

[Abarry]

Sorry,
it could be  you are co-dep on him, and maybe he found someone else to lean on.  I have found the more you do for someone the more they hurt you.

[Goldie21]

No I am not co depen on him.  I want to know how men justify hurting their families.  How they rationalize doing this is ok by them.

[Abarry]

Questions?
Is he depressed or on meds
hows his job?
any major events in the last year besides his father dying.
is this the first time he wanted to leave?

[Goldie21]

I don't know if he is depressed,  He walks around happy.  He say's he loves his job.  He lost his father and a close friend last year.

I always thought we had a loving marriage.  Guess he fooled me

[Abarry]

Sounds like you did have a loving marriage for almost 31 years, however people change and grow apart for some reason.  Love is never constant it is alway evolving.  
Question? are you happy and do you love your self?

[Goldie21]

No I am not happy I just lost my husband, who I love more than anything.  People change yes, but overnight?  This does not make sense to me and I just don't understand how a man can justify to himself that this is ok to do to his wife and kids.  Selfish I think.

I do love myself, but this is a trying time as you can see for me.  It's only been 3 weeks.

[Abarry]

I know how you feel about having a relationship with a selfish person.  Remember you are only 1/2 of the relationship.  I was with someone for 2 years and we just broke up.  I am trying to make sense of what happened to cause the breakup.  The only thing i can do now is look at my part in the relationship.  Check out this web:http://earthrenewal.org/ending_of_relationships.htm  has some good info on signs a relationship is ending.  I can tell you it just does not happen over night.  You could always see loving coming, but never leaving.

[SeriousSam]

You talk about everything you did for him but what were you doing with him?

[Goldie21]

we did lots together, we went on trips, out socializing, this is why I dont understand what is happening, its like overnight he became this different person

we always had a great time

so loss and confused

[Abarry]

What about his past, was he married before, how was his relationship with his parents?  Does he have relatives you can talk too.  Ronald Raglan said: if you dig deep enough you will find a pony. God works in many different ways, sometimes he let's us know the relationship is ending or let's the other person know.  Have faith and hope.  Everyone tells me there is a reason for everything in life. Like you I'm trying to work through my breakup.  For almost 2 years, she told me everyday she loved me.  Last we talked, she told me she was not in love but more like a friend.  go figure.

[Goldie21]

not this was both our first marriage, relationship with mother was strained because his parents divorced when he was very young, he was fine with his dad

his relatives, don't even know yet

[Abarry]

Personal question, how you love life with him?

[Goldie21]

As I said I thought everything was great, we were loving towards each other, had great sex, always were there for eath other.  Always looked forward to see him come home from work, greeted him with a kiss and hug, asked about his day.  

Now is he totally diffrent, dont recognize him.  

[Abarry]

Have you tried to distance your self from him?  Did you ask him if he is seeing another women?

[Goldie21]

Yes since the day he told me, I asked him if he had an affair or was seeing someone.  He said he was not.  How can I distance myself when I love him.  Tonight he comes to move some stuff out and I dont know if I will be able to handle it.  He has become cold not caring,

[Abarry]

You need to be strong, if you can maybe you should not be there when he comes home.  Go to a friends house or go to  a movie.  But he should not see you like this.  Funny thing when you show him you are strong he will question his decisions.  Try not to push him away right now.  If you can ask him if he needs help to move stuff out.  This will shock him and help your mind out.

[Goldie21]

I have been racking my brain to understand what is happening.

Only thing I can come up with is that this is the only way he can see other woman.  Breakup up his marriage, destroy his wife and kids.  Even had told him look in the mirror your not the 20 yr old you use to be.  Your bald, fat, old, cranky lately, uncaring, selfish.  Even told him don`t ever tell me it`s because of my looks or that.  If it`s a young thing he wants I can`t stop it.  His two kids don`t want anything to do with him at the moment.  I can`t blame them for now as they are dealing with the pain.

How selfish can men be?  Last night was so difficult when he came and moved some stuff out.  I didn`t say a word just let him do his stuff.

I am starting to think I was married to a selfish *******.  I gave and gave, helped, did it all and for what, for him to say i need to tell you something, I don`t love you anymore, and I want a separation.  Well f*** him

[Abarry]

Good,
You sound angry, and that's good.  One thing you should look at is that he did give you 2 kids.  Maybe that's what life is all about.  I was told nothing last forever. He was not meant to be in your life forever.
here is a great poem to read:
A Reason, A Season And A Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason,
a season, or a lifetime. When you figure
out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed
outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist
you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason, you need them
to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your
part or at an inconvenient time, this person will
say or do something to bring the relationship to
an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk
away. Sometimes they act up or out and
force you to take a stand. What we must
realize is that our need has been met,our
desire fulfilled; their work is done. The
prayer you sent up has been answered
and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a
SEASON, it is because your turn has come
to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you
an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never
done. They usually give you an unbelievable
amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only
for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime
lessons; those things you must build upon in order
to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is
to accept the lesson, love the person/people
and put what you have learned to use in
all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but
friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

[Myown]

" I was told nothing last forever. He was not meant to be in your life forever."
----------------------------------------------------
Whats wrong with you!!!!????? This ladies marriage of 31 years just broke up and you say this to her and write paste this stupid poem?????


Goldie, I am very sorry to see that you are going through this.

MO

[Abarry]

Goldie,
I'm not trying to be insensitive to your situation.  I am deeply sad that you are living with this.  No one deserves this after 31 years of marriage.  People do change maybe not over night, but slowly.  Believe that g-d is with you.

[Abarry]

Someone sent this poem to me years ago, i just now understand the meaning behind it.  Yes it might be stupid, but i was only trying to comfort her.

[Goldie21]

Well here I sit, crying all the time, hubby is coming over to move some stuff for his son.  I asked him once he was done could he stay a bit and talk.  He immediately got any and yelled no.  This was suppose to be the happiest time of our lives, with a grandbaby on the way.  When he was told about the news a few months back he showed no sign of happiness about it.  He continues to hurt me with words.  Promised me he would always be there for me but I am all alone to cope.  My kids are having such a difficult time too.  I guess them seeing their mother destroyed is not an easy thing to live with.  But wish they were here, I can't force them.

Just wish this pain would stop.  I would rather die and to live like this.

[Abarry]

Yes i know that feeling of wanting to stop the pain.  You are going to be a grandma soon.  So you need to look at this a positive thing.  Imagine, hold you new grand-baby soon.  That's what life is about, bringing new hope to this crazy world.  Be strong for your kids.  They need you now more then ever.

  

[Myown]

I'm sorry Abarry for sounding harsh in my post to you. I realize that you were trying to comfort Goldie and we all say things in our own way and have different belief systems, but I do now see your heart is in the right place...But anyhow sorry again for my knee -jerk response - or just plain ole "jerk" response.
Take care,
MO