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my best friend was put down and i need to know what might have happened
My sweet little maltese just turned 10. I had noticed for awhile when he barked excessivley..his tongue was bluish. I had taken him to his vet...who didn't seem concerned. One day about 6 mos. ago...he awoke not able to stand. It was dx'd as vestibular syndrome. It had nearly disappeared within 3 hours. Seemed ok...but then one night he started to act like he had to pee...every 2 minutes. The vet gave antibiotics...he seemed better. Then he awoke one night crying in pain. He acted as though his front leg hurt...although he had no accidents or nothing that I saw. Thought it was arthritis...gave him baby aspirin....which seemed to help. His appetite seemed to start dwindling down the last couple of months. He would sometimes vomit...sometimes had diarrhea...but it cleared within a couple of days. I then noticed one morning he seemed to be breathing abnormally. Rushed him to the ER...where he had a pleuril effusion...they did a thorocentisis...withdrew bloody fluid..which was analyzed and cells came back as abnormal...although they couldn't say for sure he had cancer. They told me to have an echocardiogram done...which had to be arranged elswhere. I got him home the next day...and he would now vomit even water. I gave him water by syringe...pedialyte. He could keep it down if given in small amounts. He would not eat at all. Took him back to the ER...they gave cerenia...but he still wouldn't eat. I fed baby formula by syringe. He was losing weight. I had him at his vet...nearly every day...where he received shots of antibiotics, in case of infection. The fluid culture showed small amounts of psuedomonis...but they believed it was not a true infection....but a contaminant. Oliver's bleeding times came back as normal. I took Oliver to yet another vet for a second opinion. He said Ollie was very sick..and referred me to yet another emergency hospital...where they believed Ollie had cancer but said even with further testing they might not find a mass. He had infiltrates in his lungs...some liver enlargement...something in his kidney...slightly enlarged heart..and thickened bladder walls. They told me the best thing I could do was to let Oliver go. I let Oliver go that night. He had not eaten in 10 days...he seemed very restless..where he couldn't get comfortable. I was exhausted...could not think straight anymore...and did not want to see my baby suffer. Now...7 weeks later...I just want to die myself still. I keep thinking that maybe Ollie stopped eating because he was traumatized by my having to leave him at the hospital...and all the testing. Or maybe he picked up on my fears...and if only I could have gotten him strong enough....I could have done more tests to find out for absolute certain why he was so sick....and what caused the pleuril effusion. I just want to go to sleep myself...and never wake up. I miss him horribly...and cannot believe he is gone...and I am the one who let him go. He looked up and he kissed me just after they sedated him before putting him down. I thought maybe it was the first time he felt better...from the sedation...and maybe he was just having some pain from a stomach issue...and MAYBE he could have been saved. If I only knew for sure if he had cancer...I could deal with it...but I got no real answer...it was PTE vs cancer vs CHF vs Cushings...infection etc....but no answer. I am truly devastated. I know I can't bring him back....but he was only 10. Two weeks before...he played tug of war...he was interested in things...but near the end he just was not himself. I am dying inside...thinking...he didn't know why he was being poked and prodded and left in places without me. I was even told he might have died from a broken heart. I am dying of a broken heart....because I couldn't save my boy. PLEASE PLEASE help me....I can't deal with this anymore...
I hope today will be better for you than yesterday. I know you would like a definite answer on Olivers condition. I wish I could help. I can tell you, that if it would have been something easy to diagnose, the vets would have found it.
Oliver may have had several conditions that were causing his illness, not just one. Whatever was going on with him, was not good....he was sick. If a dog is normally a good eater, and then quits eating....it is because he is sick. Oliver was sick, there is no question about that. 10 days without eating.....He was sick. I had a boxer a few years ago...she had a lot of similar symptoms like Oliver did. My dog had fluid building up in her lungs...(due to several conditions ) ....the vet failed to pick up on the fluid in her lungs, until she started coughing it up...by then, she was drowning in her own fluids. diuretics did not help...the condition was too progressed. I don't know how the vet missed it...I told her all the symptoms I could think of...but somehow it was missed. I can tell you that my dog struggled for months before the condition was discovered...Regardless of whatever diseases Oliver may have had that were causing the fluid in the lungs,.....you would not have wanted Oliver to live or die that way. Again....Oliver was very sick...you did what you could.....he still loves you, and he always will.
Oliver may have had several conditions that were causing his illness, not just one. Whatever was going on with him, was not good....he was sick. If a dog is normally a good eater, and then quits eating....it is because he is sick. Oliver was sick, there is no question about that. 10 days without eating.....He was sick. I had a boxer a few years ago...she had a lot of similar symptoms like Oliver did. My dog had fluid building up in her lungs...(due to several conditions ) ....the vet failed to pick up on the fluid in her lungs, until she started coughing it up...by then, she was drowning in her own fluids. diuretics did not help...the condition was too progressed. I don't know how the vet missed it...I told her all the symptoms I could think of...but somehow it was missed. I can tell you that my dog struggled for months before the condition was discovered...Regardless of whatever diseases Oliver may have had that were causing the fluid in the lungs,.....you would not have wanted Oliver to live or die that way. Again....Oliver was very sick...you did what you could.....he still loves you, and he always will.
Thank-you to all of you for sharing your experience with me.
There is a saying....." If you want to know what the road ahead looks like, ask the people who are coming back."
Thanks for sharing the road with us, and being our guide.
Thanks for letting us express our innermost feelings, without fear of judgement.
Thanks for your time, kind words, and understanding.
Connie
There is a saying....." If you want to know what the road ahead looks like, ask the people who are coming back."
Thanks for sharing the road with us, and being our guide.
Thanks for letting us express our innermost feelings, without fear of judgement.
Thanks for your time, kind words, and understanding.
Connie
Oh My...I have been in your exact shoes & I remember how awful it was......I still cry (Years later) over that particular guy.....First, my condolences on your loss & heartache....
You sound like a wonderful mom and did everything you could for your Oliver.....He was extremely lucky to have you! I wish all pet parents were like you......
There is no way of telling what happened without a Necropsy (Canine Autopsy). When I was in your situation, I could not bear the thought of the Necropsy, so years later I still wonder what was wrong.....
I did everything you did and still had many unanswered questions.......It still goes through my head as to what was making him so sick...I never found out, either...
Your questioning yourself is part of grief.......As you work through the stages, you will find a way to cope.....As time goes by it will get better....
Please, do not beat yourself up...You did everything you could and more....You also gave him the greatest gift of all: An end to his suffering....
Somewhere down the line you will find the need for another little guy or girl...We all tell ourselves "Never Again", but in my experience, it doesn't last....The need to fulfill another dog's dreams are very overpowering. :)
Or maybe he or she will find you......Never can tell!
Try to enjoy the memories of the 10 years you were blessed with him....Do not let the last days ruin 10 precious years......That wouldn't be right!
My heart goes out to you...I am so very sorry for your loss....Please know that you are in my prayers and I hope time will heal your heart.....Stick around and join us here if you like......You are always welcome.... Karla
"Run Free Oliver~~~You were much Loved~~~One of the Lucky Ones"
You sound like a wonderful mom and did everything you could for your Oliver.....He was extremely lucky to have you! I wish all pet parents were like you......
There is no way of telling what happened without a Necropsy (Canine Autopsy). When I was in your situation, I could not bear the thought of the Necropsy, so years later I still wonder what was wrong.....
I did everything you did and still had many unanswered questions.......It still goes through my head as to what was making him so sick...I never found out, either...
Your questioning yourself is part of grief.......As you work through the stages, you will find a way to cope.....As time goes by it will get better....
Please, do not beat yourself up...You did everything you could and more....You also gave him the greatest gift of all: An end to his suffering....
Somewhere down the line you will find the need for another little guy or girl...We all tell ourselves "Never Again", but in my experience, it doesn't last....The need to fulfill another dog's dreams are very overpowering. :)
Or maybe he or she will find you......Never can tell!
Try to enjoy the memories of the 10 years you were blessed with him....Do not let the last days ruin 10 precious years......That wouldn't be right!
My heart goes out to you...I am so very sorry for your loss....Please know that you are in my prayers and I hope time will heal your heart.....Stick around and join us here if you like......You are always welcome.... Karla
"Run Free Oliver~~~You were much Loved~~~One of the Lucky Ones"
COMMUNITY LEADER
That really is the saddest thing about our great love for our animal companions. That the chance is high WE are going to have to have them killed...in the end
That whole concept is so surreal and so awful. It is the ultimate betrayal. It is the deepest saddest thing we could ever do. We had our loved one deliberately killed.
That's how it can feel. And of course that realization brings a whole storm of sorrow, blame, guilt, shock, horror, denial.....you name it.
Of course what we have really done is fulfilled our promise to them...that we will always be there for them in their greatest need, that we will be their providers and protectors, we will use our wit, money, energy whatever else, to do our best for them, and if things get hopelessly bad, their world is full of pain, and no medical interventions are working any more -then we will take the responsibility on our own shoulders for them, and be the instrument to take them away from that suffering.
And that's what you did.
I totally understand how you are feeling. I felt quite similar after having my last dog put to sleep. Although in his case it was clearer, he had prostate cancer which had invaded his bladder. He was desperately, hopelessly sick, even though he had been walking that day, digging mole-hills, eating his food.
Yes we tried everything, and nothing worked. But even the night he had been put to sleep and I was waiting for the morning to bury his body, I kept racking my brains, "was there anything else I could have done?" "Had I missed something?"
Even...."Could he have been catheterized, then had a bladder resection, and follow-up chemotherapy?"...."Have I REALLY done my best for him, or given up on him because I couldn't think of another way out?"
Yes I was thinking those desperate thoughts even though I knew in my heart such things would not have been possible.
Whatever your poor Oliver had wrong with him you are unsure. Yet what is clear is that for all the tests, for all the medicine, he was not getting better, he was getting worse -much worse. He didn't eat, not because he was a little bit sick, which could have been cured with the right medication -but because he was VERY very sick, and on his last legs.
His dying could have been prolonged, but you chose to end it for him.
That was a very brave and selfless decision to make. But you had the courage to make it. Because you loved him.
That whole concept is so surreal and so awful. It is the ultimate betrayal. It is the deepest saddest thing we could ever do. We had our loved one deliberately killed.
That's how it can feel. And of course that realization brings a whole storm of sorrow, blame, guilt, shock, horror, denial.....you name it.
Of course what we have really done is fulfilled our promise to them...that we will always be there for them in their greatest need, that we will be their providers and protectors, we will use our wit, money, energy whatever else, to do our best for them, and if things get hopelessly bad, their world is full of pain, and no medical interventions are working any more -then we will take the responsibility on our own shoulders for them, and be the instrument to take them away from that suffering.
And that's what you did.
I totally understand how you are feeling. I felt quite similar after having my last dog put to sleep. Although in his case it was clearer, he had prostate cancer which had invaded his bladder. He was desperately, hopelessly sick, even though he had been walking that day, digging mole-hills, eating his food.
Yes we tried everything, and nothing worked. But even the night he had been put to sleep and I was waiting for the morning to bury his body, I kept racking my brains, "was there anything else I could have done?" "Had I missed something?"
Even...."Could he have been catheterized, then had a bladder resection, and follow-up chemotherapy?"...."Have I REALLY done my best for him, or given up on him because I couldn't think of another way out?"
Yes I was thinking those desperate thoughts even though I knew in my heart such things would not have been possible.
Whatever your poor Oliver had wrong with him you are unsure. Yet what is clear is that for all the tests, for all the medicine, he was not getting better, he was getting worse -much worse. He didn't eat, not because he was a little bit sick, which could have been cured with the right medication -but because he was VERY very sick, and on his last legs.
His dying could have been prolonged, but you chose to end it for him.
That was a very brave and selfless decision to make. But you had the courage to make it. Because you loved him.
Hey you......I spent over an hour writing a wonderful letter to you, and when I thought it was almost done, I went to read it before submitting it, and abra cadabra....It disappeared....! GRRRR... anyway, here is the brunt of it.
I know exactly what you are feeling, because I had a very similar experience about 7 weeks ago. I know the guilt you are feeling. Yes....guilt. You are questioning wheather or not you should have had Oliver euthanized when you did. You are second guessing all the decisions you made, regarding his recent illness. You appreciate all the kind, loving ,comforting words people are giving you,and you know they are sincere, but somehow....you still feel like you have done something wrong, and no one truly understands how you are feeling...Right...? I can tell you that I do understand. I am experiencing the same emotions. The same doubts...the same guilt. Everyday I question the decisions I made...Everyday...I cry. Finally after 7 weeks...I have told myself, that I need to get a grip on things, and try to concentrate more on what I DO KNOW.....and less ....on the maybe's ...if only's....and what if's.....So....
I know our dogs were sick.....( read your letter to yourself )
I know we loved them enough to take them to the vets.
I know we would not want them to suffer with sickness, just to keep us happy a little longer.
I know any decision we made for them, was because we love them so much.
I know we ONLY ALWAYS wanted to do what was best for them.
I know we need to tell ourselves that ....what is MOST IMPORTANT...is
HOW THEY LIVED....! Not how they left.
I wish I had some magic words to help us both find a way to heal. But Grieving is not easy....and healing takes time. It is normal to feel the way you do.
I can tell you that our dogs know how much we love them, and if they knew how much we were greiving....they would greive with us. I do not want my dog to greive with me, any more than I would have wanted her to suffer for me. Grieving is suffering.
I can not offer you and magic words, because there are none. But I can offer my understanding of your emotions. I can also offer an open ear....so please do not hesitate to reply.....Please take comfort, in knowing that someone does understand....Connie
I know exactly what you are feeling, because I had a very similar experience about 7 weeks ago. I know the guilt you are feeling. Yes....guilt. You are questioning wheather or not you should have had Oliver euthanized when you did. You are second guessing all the decisions you made, regarding his recent illness. You appreciate all the kind, loving ,comforting words people are giving you,and you know they are sincere, but somehow....you still feel like you have done something wrong, and no one truly understands how you are feeling...Right...? I can tell you that I do understand. I am experiencing the same emotions. The same doubts...the same guilt. Everyday I question the decisions I made...Everyday...I cry. Finally after 7 weeks...I have told myself, that I need to get a grip on things, and try to concentrate more on what I DO KNOW.....and less ....on the maybe's ...if only's....and what if's.....So....
I know our dogs were sick.....( read your letter to yourself )
I know we loved them enough to take them to the vets.
I know we would not want them to suffer with sickness, just to keep us happy a little longer.
I know any decision we made for them, was because we love them so much.
I know we ONLY ALWAYS wanted to do what was best for them.
I know we need to tell ourselves that ....what is MOST IMPORTANT...is
HOW THEY LIVED....! Not how they left.
I wish I had some magic words to help us both find a way to heal. But Grieving is not easy....and healing takes time. It is normal to feel the way you do.
I can tell you that our dogs know how much we love them, and if they knew how much we were greiving....they would greive with us. I do not want my dog to greive with me, any more than I would have wanted her to suffer for me. Grieving is suffering.
I can not offer you and magic words, because there are none. But I can offer my understanding of your emotions. I can also offer an open ear....so please do not hesitate to reply.....Please take comfort, in knowing that someone does understand....Connie
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