regret

[henry576]

I lost my little brother 2 1/2 months ago.  I have a lot of regrets about what more i could have done for my brother, but i mostly have sadness that addiction overtook him for the last 8 or so years.  I regret not saying I loved him more, despite all the problems he caused us.  Often you get angry at addicts and on some level the anger is justified.  Why do you choose drugs over family??  etc. etc.  But in the end it's a disease and its just plain sad.  I cried last night for 20 minutes feeling the pain of my loss.  I put a picture of my brother and I as kids in my wallet, so we will be together forever now.  That gives me lots of comfort.


Hank

[Prospero73]

Hi Hank

I understand your feelings of love/anger totally.  We lost our beloved son a little less than 2 months ago, after 4 years of addiction to methadone and Oxycontin.  The last two years he was living with us and trying desperately to recover.  You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel anger and frustration about having a loved one leave you in this way.

One thing that I have found helpful is to talk to him silently on my long morning walks, not to give him a piece of my mind, but to express the things I would have wanted to say if I had had the chance: the regret for the steps not taken or the love not affirmed; the admission that the rage was against the disease of addiction and not against him; and the enjoyment of all the good memories you have shared during your lives.

[Caroline565]

Hank,
I can understand how you feel--these feeling seem to be the strongest early on in the grieving process. I have had these feelings surface many times after losing a loved one. Remember one thing, you have these feelings because you are a sensitive and caring person and I'm sure your brother knew (and knows now) that you loved him very much. We can learn lessons from these feelings--one being that we never really know how much time we have here and we need to treat each other with kindness keeping that in mind. I would have to believe that a family member with an estrangement would be hit especially hard if they have any true feelings.

I just want to say also, it is very difficult to watch someone destroy themselves or take risks with their health. There is this mixture of anger, worry, disgust and maybe even other negativities but at the same time, we still love this person very dearly. It is no wonder that when they do succumb, we have all these balled up emotions. I am guessing you may have placed some distance between the two of you as a matter of survival. My husband used to always say, you can throw someone a life preserver but don't get so close that they pull you under. We cannot allow another person to consume all our time and emotions, even if it is a family member.

I hope soon you will be able to find some peace with this and get past those feelings as I think you will. At the same time, I believe some of it is quite normal if we care or love someone. Grieving is definitely a combination of many emotions that need to be sorted out and made sense of.

[Judy246]

Hi Hank,

I feel your pain. 2 1/2 months is very recent in grief time and please, don't torment yourself with the "if only" or "what if's". What is done is done and we can not change what has happened, but we can learn from the experience and live better lives and become a better person. Also, Hank, There is a bond of pure love between you and your brother that death can never take away. There will always be that special family connection that death can never seperate and in my heart I truly believe that our departed love one's are only a transition away.

Your brother is in peace now and no more suffering. He is in a place where we can only imagine and one day in God's time, your brother is going to comer running to you from the gates of Heaven and be the guiding light to show you the way. God is pure love, abundance in forgiving an ready to give second changes, especially after death.

Rest easy, your brother loves you, is in God's tender care and is with you in spirit, because death will never be able to seperate that love.   Judy