My little brother just died

[jenmom]

My little brother just died on the 17th and we burried him monday. He was only 20. We still don't know how he died, he was fine when he went to bed. I talk to my mom almost everyday, but I don't know what to say to her or dad. And my sister was having her baby the exact same day he died. She says she's not letting any of it in because she's afraid to with the new baby and all the hormones that she'll lose herself to it. I had to come back home and I'm so far away from them (500 miles) I don't know how to help them. It just doesn't seem like there's anything to say or do to make it better.

[star641]

hi Ive just come across you story and can i just say im so deeply sorry for your loss ,
your poor mom and dad my heart goes out to them ,.this will be very tuff for them ,
i wont tell you any different it will and its only starting ,..i know hun you have lost you little brother and i know your heart is broking ,.but for you mam and dad its going to be a very rough road to climb ,they will need all the help they can get ,.and i can only speak for myself when i tell you this ,.i lost my son and daughter both myself and husband
went through different ways of grieving ,we still are and it gets a bit hard on both parents ,

what im trying to say is your mom and dad will think and grieve the same for now but in time they wont ,..because you mom is going to grieve like a mom would and your dad is going to grieve like a dad should ,.and thats were the different grieving comes in ,.
so they will both need help down the line with different counselor's
there's not much you can do for now, but in time you can help them come to see that counseling  would be good for them ,.
for now and  because you live so far from them ,.phone them as much as you can ,.
they will need space for now ,and please look after yourself .your mam and dad will need you ,.
you are in my thoughts and prayers ,.....take care ,.im sending you some [[[[hugs]]]],

[jenmom]

I think of my brother as having moved as well. I hope he's happy and that he knows how much we all loved him. When he died he was still at a stage in life where he thought nobody understood him, and I hope he feels loved now.

My parents... I don't know. They're really struggling, but it's only been six weeks.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts.

[alwaysbelieve]

Although I appreciate your sentiments and biblical references, I can tell you from personal experience, 'this too shall pass' hurts more than helps 9 times out of 10. Yes, as Christians we know there is more and better yet to come. We also know those we loved that have passed are in a far better place. I refer to my son as having moved. He gets to have dinner with Jesus every night and is keeping my seat warm. However, in the midst of the pain and grief from losing a loved one (let alone a child) these words all fall. It takes considerable time to get to a place where those traditional words of comfort really are comforting.

I pray you and your parents are finding some comfort Jen

[wguimb]

Proverbs 15:14 tells us that if we have God's understanding, we can ask Him for the knowledge to overcome every trial and problem we face.  God is bigger than our grief, sorrow, pain and every problem that any of us could face. We must never blame Him for our troubles, as the devil is the trouble maker, not our Lord. God is there for us, to help us overcome anything the enemy has done, or is trying to do. God is the one that will rescue us and help us in our hour of need.  However, we must not be like the fool who feeds on his folly. This is a person who is continually mouthing  his troubles and blaming others, including God, for his circumstances.  He feeds on self-pity and rehearses his problems to all who will listen. We must give our heartaches and troubles to God and keep a cheerful attitude no matter what is going on in our lives. We need to remember, "this too, shall pass" as God is eternal and has a good plan for our future.

As Christians, death is the last enemy we face, as we have the assurance that we shall see all of our loved ones who have died in Christ once again. The devil may have snatched them off this earth, but because they belong to God, He snatches them from the devil and takes them home with him. We will be reunited with them. That shall happen when we get to Heaven, or when Christ comes again to this earth and brings them with Him at the resurrection. We are not like those who have no hope. In Christ, our future is full of His promises and we are promised victory over death and the grave!
Source: Bible.com

God bless you and your family.

[alwaysbelieve]

I'm a mom of 5...my second son passed 4 years ago. He was a HUGE part of all of our lives and we all miss him tons and tons everyday.

I can offer you this: Do not be afraid to share what you are going through with your parents...this is something a family goes through, not just a parent and siblings. Sometimes I think my kids are afraid to say anything because they think I will break. Sure I might cry...but I will cry no matter what about my son....nothing my kids can say will make my pain better or worse....it's just a way to get through together....to share....the good, the bad and the ugly.....

Also Compassionate Friends....bereavement support for parents/siblings

Many blessings to you and your family as you all adjust to a new and different road

[jenmom]

We still don't know what he died of. The doctor said the atopsy report may still take up to two more weeks to get back. It's hard waiting. As soon as I know, I'll post though.
Thanks again!

[suzi-q]

The only advice I can give is to talk about your brother, and talk about him often...not about how he died but how he lived.  By avoiding the topic you just create many elephants in the room.  Cry with them if you and they need to cry.  But also make sure you say a lot of "remember when..." stories.  I am so very very sorry for your loss.  Losing a loved one is never easy...but also remember that your mom and dad lost a child...and that pain is the hardest of all.  Just have lots of patience and be there for them.  I will pray for your family.

Did you find out why he died?  How very tragic....

[jenmom]

Thank you for all you kindness. It is still new, but I keep hoping tomorrow will be better. I just keep hoping that he's happy and at peace where ever he is. I know he wouldn't want us to stop living. I just wish we would have had more time.

[Judy246]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's so recent, my heart goes out to you and your family. You are in good company. All of us are going thru the devistating loss of a loved one. My mother died in my arms July 19th  and I don't know how to live without her.  Christmas day, I went to the cemetary and hand another one of my "moments".

There is no way around this one.  Death is raw and painful. You have the right to know what happened to your brother. He was so young, but approach a family member that will listen to  you and be there for you too.  I've learned that everyone grieves differently, so just be there for your parents. They will talk when they are ready.

I will tell you what I truly belive in my heart that  one day in God's time, your beloved brother is going to come running to you from the gates of heaven and be the guiding light and show you the way.

Rest easy...it's going to be alright, one day at a time.

Judy

[mommy52]

Jim you know how it feels as I do also. We neither know how the other feels, but knowing how I felt I can have empathy for you. Yes be there for them. That is all you can do. When they want to talk, they will need someone there. On Christmas Eve I went to cemetery to put live flower. I had to tie bow to hold to cemetery vase. I broke bad. I should hasve been tyying a bow to his Christmas present at home. My loss is not like neither of yours. Yours is still no new. You have many questions and may be angry. I was. My son passed 1-31-98. Yeas it's been almost 11 years ago. That doesn't matter. Those that have not walked in our shoes will tell us it's time to move on. I want to slap them. I do not think daily about him. At first when I didn't I would feel guilty. Why? I do not know. I know he is in a much better place with no more illness and pain. He fought the battle of cancer for 9 years. Was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma at age of 8. I am sorry for going on and on about myself. Just want to let you know that for me I did learn to live with him over time. Just when I thought I was doing ok, I would see something, even the littlest of things and I would cry. That's ok. I finally learned not to allow my grief to consume me. When I am havin a really difficult time I will release balloons.I put a message to see how far they travel. He always wanted to do that and we kept putting it off. My faith has heped me make it thus far. At the beginning I took it a day at a time. It will take time. Some more than others. Please if you ever need to talk you can send me a message. I promise I will try not to go on and on. When I am dealing with bi-polar and grief, I get confused and sometimes rattle on about nothing. Be assured I care about you and will be there just to listen if needed. Will keep each of you and your families in prayer. Blessings to you both.   Madlyn

[PromisedLand]

I wish I knew the answer....I lost my son (26) a month ago and I'm still in a "I can't believe it" stage.  There's not much you can do to say or make it better.  Just be there for your mom and dad....if they're like me they'll talk about it when they're ready..I just had a crying spell this morning and it's been a month...so it's going to take a lot of time..

just be there for them...help all you can...hugs, food, etc.  Are there any relatives/friends to call for them?



Jim