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Will I Ever Feel Better
My mother died today after a prolonged illness. It was an excruciating death. She was my best friend, my buddy, my guide, my rock. I feel as though I am never going to feel happy again. My father is older (79) and my boys are teenagers and growing away and despite having a young daughter, I feel as though I am facing a lifetime of loss and loneliness. I keep asking myself what is the point of living if all it leads to is loss and loneliness. I feel dread and sadness. What can I do?
It does get worse before it gets better, but the ability to manage the grief, not lose it, but manage it does begin at some point. The grief class I go to has stopped for three weeks. We start May 6th again.
It is made up of all kinds of personal grief. Losing children, spouses, parent, sister, brother. It is two intense hours. One, a video by the designers of the program and the second a small group setting with a monitor. Last session, there are 13 classes and if you come in anywhere along the way, np but they ask you to go through the whole program 1-13 once. You have a workbook and it is a good program.
In my class there were two men raising children after losing their wives, a couple who lost their four year old because a tv fell on her, a young woman raising her two younger brothers because her Dad could not deal with the loss of his wife who had battled cancer most of their marriage. And three of us who had lost our mothers. Bereft, counseling is good, I have a talk counselor and I have a psychiatrist, but those going through grief, well they are right there with you. Hope you can find a group. 1. Husband had an incredibly bad accident and has not had surgery.2 Mom past the next week. 3. When I woke Dad to tell him Mom past, it was more than I could take, he fell on the floor weeping and moaning her name and his love for her.....I had to order him the night before to come spend the night with me with Mom that he would regret it if he did not. 4. Brother and my sister have been as they have been the three plus years with me since I have been the main care taker of Mom, distant.5.Two funerals, one in church, one two months later at the graveside.6.The people who lived for a long time next to my parents, who's neice she was over 18 at the time, raped my six year old little girl....now at the funeral....they never knew and we did not know until our daughter was 18...they,,,not the niece were at the funeral and it came rushing back to daughter.7. This same daughter going through the tragedy relived again with her brand new husband has not spoke to me for three months. I understand the year not being our best. I am and have been on naturals for medications under supervision of psych. They don't cover rapid cycling, manic depression and I have spent either time angry busy or flat on my back in bed not wanting any contact with the world. So for me the group is a lifeline to the outside. We cry, grieve, ask questions, bond and go away waiting for the next week to come. And we pray for eachother.
Hope you find the strength to say no to helping everyone....this is my oldest, she is following my servant attitude. I have learned, unless I take care of me and sometimes that is just longer than the people around me expect, I will not be able to continue taking care of them.
If your family are older than ten, all of them can do laundry, hubby can cook or teenager can and the rest can wait until you are able to get back to being able to do things. Going back too early will make it difficult for you to ever mend. You are dispensable for a time and they are capable of picking up what you have been doing.
God bless you in your time of need and grant you the rest you need.
zzzmykids
It is made up of all kinds of personal grief. Losing children, spouses, parent, sister, brother. It is two intense hours. One, a video by the designers of the program and the second a small group setting with a monitor. Last session, there are 13 classes and if you come in anywhere along the way, np but they ask you to go through the whole program 1-13 once. You have a workbook and it is a good program.
In my class there were two men raising children after losing their wives, a couple who lost their four year old because a tv fell on her, a young woman raising her two younger brothers because her Dad could not deal with the loss of his wife who had battled cancer most of their marriage. And three of us who had lost our mothers. Bereft, counseling is good, I have a talk counselor and I have a psychiatrist, but those going through grief, well they are right there with you. Hope you can find a group. 1. Husband had an incredibly bad accident and has not had surgery.2 Mom past the next week. 3. When I woke Dad to tell him Mom past, it was more than I could take, he fell on the floor weeping and moaning her name and his love for her.....I had to order him the night before to come spend the night with me with Mom that he would regret it if he did not. 4. Brother and my sister have been as they have been the three plus years with me since I have been the main care taker of Mom, distant.5.Two funerals, one in church, one two months later at the graveside.6.The people who lived for a long time next to my parents, who's neice she was over 18 at the time, raped my six year old little girl....now at the funeral....they never knew and we did not know until our daughter was 18...they,,,not the niece were at the funeral and it came rushing back to daughter.7. This same daughter going through the tragedy relived again with her brand new husband has not spoke to me for three months. I understand the year not being our best. I am and have been on naturals for medications under supervision of psych. They don't cover rapid cycling, manic depression and I have spent either time angry busy or flat on my back in bed not wanting any contact with the world. So for me the group is a lifeline to the outside. We cry, grieve, ask questions, bond and go away waiting for the next week to come. And we pray for eachother.
Hope you find the strength to say no to helping everyone....this is my oldest, she is following my servant attitude. I have learned, unless I take care of me and sometimes that is just longer than the people around me expect, I will not be able to continue taking care of them.
If your family are older than ten, all of them can do laundry, hubby can cook or teenager can and the rest can wait until you are able to get back to being able to do things. Going back too early will make it difficult for you to ever mend. You are dispensable for a time and they are capable of picking up what you have been doing.
God bless you in your time of need and grant you the rest you need.
zzzmykids
Thank you for your support and understanding. I am not in a grief group, but I am talking to a counselor. This has been an especially hard year for me for many reasons which makes losing my mother even harder. Everyone says that it gets easier, but I have to tell you that it has been four months and in many ways it is getting harder. My counselor says I need to take care of myself, but I am so spent and tired from taking care of everyone else, I wouldn't even know how to start taking care of myself, much less how I would find the strength and wherewithal. But I am trying.
Feb. 11, this year at 4:30 am. I had been with her since Friday and this was the next Thursday. The hospital and hospice let me sleep there. For that I am eternally grateful. I had cause to go to the gravesite, we buried her ashes between her Momma and Daddy on April 10 this year. The city she was buried in is very familiar to me, house I went to h.s. in, Gramma's three houses I remember her designing and having built and the house I have so many treasured pictures of my Momma with her Daddy on their porch steps. I said an early Happy Mother's day and changed the fress to fake flowers. This will be with us the rest of our lives, the grief, BUT it's intensity will lesson and we wiill learn to work through it each time we cry or go to pick up the phone. Are you in a grief counseling or grief group? I am, it helps. zzzmykids
Hi there. It's tough losing a loved one, specially your mom. I lost a dear man who was like my dad a little over two years ago and I still miss him. He was sick for several years and seeing him in a hospital bed connected to machines to keep him alive broke my heart. I knew it was time to let him go, to let him rest and be in peace. So I said my good-byes and I believe that he is looking from above and giving me a hand.
I learned to keep him in my heart and in my memories, and taking him everywhere ago and it has helped a lot. There are days that I miss him more and wish he were here, but I know that one day I will see him again and have a blast.
Take a day at a time and if you wish to cry, do so. You will never stop missing her, but things will get easier. That I know for sure. And keep your faith, that's what most helps oneself.
Best wishes,
Neta
I learned to keep him in my heart and in my memories, and taking him everywhere ago and it has helped a lot. There are days that I miss him more and wish he were here, but I know that one day I will see him again and have a blast.
Take a day at a time and if you wish to cry, do so. You will never stop missing her, but things will get easier. That I know for sure. And keep your faith, that's what most helps oneself.
Best wishes,
Neta
Hi there,
Just noticed your post and see that you are still communicating with members of this excellent group of friends. Judy is especially well qualified to help you as she went though a very dark time with so many deaths to deal with in a short period of time.
You have my sympathy: the grief process varies from person to person, as I am discovering after my son's murder. Have you seen a therapist to talk? Three months is not a very long time to process a loss like yours.
What concerns me is your last comment. The constant fatigue occurs after work ? In our case, I, am the one who must work super hard at not going completely under, as I am retired from the library and healing from anal cancer.
I mention this as the younger generation seems to have found salvation in their respective jobs. The return to normalcy in your life is important, but you have to deal with your feelings.
Let us know if you need to talk anytime. You can send me a PM if you want.
Just noticed your post and see that you are still communicating with members of this excellent group of friends. Judy is especially well qualified to help you as she went though a very dark time with so many deaths to deal with in a short period of time.
You have my sympathy: the grief process varies from person to person, as I am discovering after my son's murder. Have you seen a therapist to talk? Three months is not a very long time to process a loss like yours.
What concerns me is your last comment. The constant fatigue occurs after work ? In our case, I, am the one who must work super hard at not going completely under, as I am retired from the library and healing from anal cancer.
I mention this as the younger generation seems to have found salvation in their respective jobs. The return to normalcy in your life is important, but you have to deal with your feelings.
Let us know if you need to talk anytime. You can send me a PM if you want.
Thank you for your concern. I was never suicidal, though I can understand how you might think that. Thanks for reaching out. It has been three months and though it gets easier to get through the day, the sadness is still with me. By four in the afternoon I have barely the strength to get myself home. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Are you truly in the situation that you want to take your own life?
If so you need to call National Suicide Hotline. 1-800-SUICIDE..
If you are grieving to the point of not getting out of bed, I can understand. Lost my beloved Momma on Feb 11 of this year. I am in a grief group at church and it helps.
My one daughter has chose anger to be the way she handles it and it is in not understanding that this time in my life will pass. As it will with you. My Momma was my Mom, stabilizer, clown, intimate friend, encourager and my hero. I miss her soo much, but killing yourself is not the answer. So please get help through the suicide number and you have one that is right inside your white pages cover first page usually.
Then when well enough go to a grief class, talk to others face to face who have lost a loved one. My daughter will understand she doesn't have to be angry, she has not lost her Mom, just down for awhile until I take step, by step to get better. We never stop grieving, we learn how to live with it.
Stay very healthy, please,
zzzmykids
If so you need to call National Suicide Hotline. 1-800-SUICIDE..
If you are grieving to the point of not getting out of bed, I can understand. Lost my beloved Momma on Feb 11 of this year. I am in a grief group at church and it helps.
My one daughter has chose anger to be the way she handles it and it is in not understanding that this time in my life will pass. As it will with you. My Momma was my Mom, stabilizer, clown, intimate friend, encourager and my hero. I miss her soo much, but killing yourself is not the answer. So please get help through the suicide number and you have one that is right inside your white pages cover first page usually.
Then when well enough go to a grief class, talk to others face to face who have lost a loved one. My daughter will understand she doesn't have to be angry, she has not lost her Mom, just down for awhile until I take step, by step to get better. We never stop grieving, we learn how to live with it.
Stay very healthy, please,
zzzmykids
Thank you so much to everyone for their support. It is especially helpful to know think that my mother is a "transition away," and that others have felt this loss and held on to their faith. You are kind to respond to me, everyone.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.I know exactly what you feel I lost my mother
3 years ago to cancer.Its so hard when you are so close to someone & you watch the
suffering & then they are gone.When you feel like life isnt worth living remember one day you will see her again,that thought has got me through days I feel as if i cant go on.Remember the good times & her love & look to God most importantly.We are here if you need someone to talk to.
God Bless You
Lisa
3 years ago to cancer.Its so hard when you are so close to someone & you watch the
suffering & then they are gone.When you feel like life isnt worth living remember one day you will see her again,that thought has got me through days I feel as if i cant go on.Remember the good times & her love & look to God most importantly.We are here if you need someone to talk to.
God Bless You
Lisa
Oh, I am sooo very sorry on the passing of your beloved mother today. How difficult for you and your family. I know exactly how you feel, because my mother died in my arms of Congestive Heart Failure and diabities. My mother pretty much suffocated to death followed by a heart attack, because she couldn't breath. She turned purple, because of the lack of oxigen to her brain. I also have my 84 yr. old father. My parents were married 54 yrs. and I'm now taking care of dad and scared that I will go through this all over again. Losing your mom is a life changing even and I personally will never be the same person. You become wiser, but the loss is soooo hugh. Right now you have so much ahead of you and difficult days ahead.
Right now, you need to be strong for what is ahead. The funeral service and burial. Make sure to surround yourself with you family, children, because this will be one of the most devistating, trying times in your life. Please find comfort in knowing that your mother is just a transition away and yes, she can hear you, so pray for her, talk to her and know that you are not alone. We have walked in your shoes and there are no words to describe the pain, grief and sorrow that we have been afflicted with, but it's very important that you put your faith and trust in God. He gave me the strenght to survive 7 deaths within an 8 month period. Death was hanging out in my home and within my friends. I loss my mother, a week later brother in law a week later my fiance loss his father, my mother's best friend show attended her wake and burial, 2 friends to cancer and 2 weeks before Christmas my brother and wife loss their first child. I was layed off and my precious dog Toby died of a heart attack. I almost had to be hospitalized, because I grieved to the point where my throat was swelling dangerously and 2 yr. later. here I am, but I will never get over losing my beloved mother. We are here for you, so please be stay strong for your family and what is ahead. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Judy
Right now, you need to be strong for what is ahead. The funeral service and burial. Make sure to surround yourself with you family, children, because this will be one of the most devistating, trying times in your life. Please find comfort in knowing that your mother is just a transition away and yes, she can hear you, so pray for her, talk to her and know that you are not alone. We have walked in your shoes and there are no words to describe the pain, grief and sorrow that we have been afflicted with, but it's very important that you put your faith and trust in God. He gave me the strenght to survive 7 deaths within an 8 month period. Death was hanging out in my home and within my friends. I loss my mother, a week later brother in law a week later my fiance loss his father, my mother's best friend show attended her wake and burial, 2 friends to cancer and 2 weeks before Christmas my brother and wife loss their first child. I was layed off and my precious dog Toby died of a heart attack. I almost had to be hospitalized, because I grieved to the point where my throat was swelling dangerously and 2 yr. later. here I am, but I will never get over losing my beloved mother. We are here for you, so please be stay strong for your family and what is ahead. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Judy
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