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What is Normal After Your Child Dies
I lost my fantastic son Taylor a few years ago. The grief is as raw as ever. Holidays make it worse of course, and seeing kids who resemble him make me cry. I'm a basketcase, and I just can't seem to move on. Long story. *sigh*
I hope the following helps explain to others who have not experienced the loss of a child to understand just how fundamentally our lives have changed.
What is Normal after your child dies?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, X-mas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Passover.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is Taylor's age. And then thinking of the age he'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Taylor loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son, Taylor.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.
Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God.
"God may have done this because…"
I know Taylor is in "heaven," but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that Taylor is dead.
And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.
Normal is asking G-d why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a G-d.
Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.
Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."
Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever.
And last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to
feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."
The above poem was originally written by Tara and Heath Carey after they lost their daughters Violet and Iris in 2002 when natural gas caused their apartment to explode.
I hope the following helps explain to others who have not experienced the loss of a child to understand just how fundamentally our lives have changed.
What is Normal after your child dies?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, X-mas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Passover.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is Taylor's age. And then thinking of the age he'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Taylor loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son, Taylor.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.
Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God.
"God may have done this because…"
I know Taylor is in "heaven," but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that Taylor is dead.
And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.
Normal is asking G-d why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a G-d.
Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.
Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."
Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever.
And last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to
feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."
The above poem was originally written by Tara and Heath Carey after they lost their daughters Violet and Iris in 2002 when natural gas caused their apartment to explode.
I feel so much like you do. My son was murdered in a domestic dispute in our home. He was my baby. I have an older son that for reasons unknown am not close to. My Cole was just 20. He was my world, the love of my life, the reason I got up everyday.
Now I want nothing to do with just about everyone. I stay in my home, leaving maybe once every two weeks. I won't talk to my family because they want to talk about what is going on with them and frankly I don't care. They ask how I'm doing. How do they think I'm doing? I don't care if the Lord takes me tomorrow , I am ready to go home. The pain is awful and continues to get worse. He died in June 2013.
I'm sorry for your pain and can relate in so many ways. It seems once we go down this road we can't catch a break. All I have now is my faith to get through minute by minute, day by day. I will say a prayer that you have some peace and someone's compassion as you need that right now. You have mine.
Now I want nothing to do with just about everyone. I stay in my home, leaving maybe once every two weeks. I won't talk to my family because they want to talk about what is going on with them and frankly I don't care. They ask how I'm doing. How do they think I'm doing? I don't care if the Lord takes me tomorrow , I am ready to go home. The pain is awful and continues to get worse. He died in June 2013.
I'm sorry for your pain and can relate in so many ways. It seems once we go down this road we can't catch a break. All I have now is my faith to get through minute by minute, day by day. I will say a prayer that you have some peace and someone's compassion as you need that right now. You have mine.
I cannot explain the pain but feel it for all of us. I am so sorry for everyone's lost. I write to you as your pain is so recent also.
Perhaps you can help me in some way.
I lost my 26 yr old daughter and cannot recover. I want to be with her.
I have no health insurance and am self employed so after a hospital stay of two weeks (as I went into shock when I found her) I had to return to work in a medical practice of all things.
I look at a patient lying down and see her in a coffin. I cry between clients. I can barely listen to anyone. I cannot read or focus. I drive and do not remember the ride to work.
I vacation and then wondered why am I here. My heart aches...my gut is wrenching all the time...I can't sleep or eat. Everything has no meaning. I cannot watch tv or the awful news. Life seems like a punishment for living.
My townhome is for sale and I have no where to go if it sells. I just want to run away and throw in the towel.
As a single mother raising the last two children alone, why am I suffering more.
Divorced from a boring looser veteran who took off to revisit Korea with his 3 times divorced girlfriend after she died. He threw all her bills, mail, sympathy cards in a bag and wrote..."headstone, your responsibility". What do I do. No help anywhere.
my father had a stroke, my mother might be dead, have only a brother who inherited/stole everyone's money and no one feels for me
I do not have family support, my oldest son won't speak to me since he married and my youngest and ex husband were out of state so I was and still am alone.....at the time of her death. My finding her they do not feel for.,
I fake my smile, my struggle minute to minute and go to bed alone at night crying.
I was always considered pretty and am letting my looks go, my appetite go and sleep in my clothes for the entire weekend. i.e. I guess I have given up.
Why is there no one there for me when I gave so much to others.
I welcome any ideas to get it together...do I move, kill myself, therapy was a joke and meds do not work.
I feel and rethink what did I miss in raising her..was it bullying, was it bad friends, was it her weight issues or lack of a father at home, or what made her make the choices she did as I really do not know why she came home unexpectedly on a sunday night and sat and talked a bit before I left her at my fathers to help pick up his mess of an apartment.
5 hours later I came home to find her cold, blue, dead and I went crazy running through the neighborhood screaming for help. Useless me.....she scared me in that I knew...It was too late.
I will never survive this.
My only brother went after my father's money and convinced him I was stealing...they took me to probate two weeks after she was buried. Talk about more hurt.
On the anniversary of her death they showed up and took my favorite table at a restaurant I like..like they wanted me to walk in...I blew and screamed and they sat there like to sociopaths looking at me like good..you re hurting.
I wish I was dead. A therapist said there is no help for death of a child..so why am I even alive. To suffer?
And her college loans are ONLY mine to pay off to Sallie Mae as her father never committed to college nor did he even show at her college graduation oh but his sons ignore all of this.
What is right I ask my self.
I need a friend, a plan, do I move, sell, give up my profession? I hate waking up as I do not want to.
Where do I go for help and help for what anyway. I envision her lifeless body every minute of every day. My only daughter, born 16 yrs after my first and estranged son.
If there is a God, why give a gift and then take it away. I ask myself every day where did I go wrong.
My sympathies to everyone and thank you for reading this saga of emotion.
Perhaps you can help me in some way.
I lost my 26 yr old daughter and cannot recover. I want to be with her.
I have no health insurance and am self employed so after a hospital stay of two weeks (as I went into shock when I found her) I had to return to work in a medical practice of all things.
I look at a patient lying down and see her in a coffin. I cry between clients. I can barely listen to anyone. I cannot read or focus. I drive and do not remember the ride to work.
I vacation and then wondered why am I here. My heart aches...my gut is wrenching all the time...I can't sleep or eat. Everything has no meaning. I cannot watch tv or the awful news. Life seems like a punishment for living.
My townhome is for sale and I have no where to go if it sells. I just want to run away and throw in the towel.
As a single mother raising the last two children alone, why am I suffering more.
Divorced from a boring looser veteran who took off to revisit Korea with his 3 times divorced girlfriend after she died. He threw all her bills, mail, sympathy cards in a bag and wrote..."headstone, your responsibility". What do I do. No help anywhere.
my father had a stroke, my mother might be dead, have only a brother who inherited/stole everyone's money and no one feels for me
I do not have family support, my oldest son won't speak to me since he married and my youngest and ex husband were out of state so I was and still am alone.....at the time of her death. My finding her they do not feel for.,
I fake my smile, my struggle minute to minute and go to bed alone at night crying.
I was always considered pretty and am letting my looks go, my appetite go and sleep in my clothes for the entire weekend. i.e. I guess I have given up.
Why is there no one there for me when I gave so much to others.
I welcome any ideas to get it together...do I move, kill myself, therapy was a joke and meds do not work.
I feel and rethink what did I miss in raising her..was it bullying, was it bad friends, was it her weight issues or lack of a father at home, or what made her make the choices she did as I really do not know why she came home unexpectedly on a sunday night and sat and talked a bit before I left her at my fathers to help pick up his mess of an apartment.
5 hours later I came home to find her cold, blue, dead and I went crazy running through the neighborhood screaming for help. Useless me.....she scared me in that I knew...It was too late.
I will never survive this.
My only brother went after my father's money and convinced him I was stealing...they took me to probate two weeks after she was buried. Talk about more hurt.
On the anniversary of her death they showed up and took my favorite table at a restaurant I like..like they wanted me to walk in...I blew and screamed and they sat there like to sociopaths looking at me like good..you re hurting.
I wish I was dead. A therapist said there is no help for death of a child..so why am I even alive. To suffer?
And her college loans are ONLY mine to pay off to Sallie Mae as her father never committed to college nor did he even show at her college graduation oh but his sons ignore all of this.
What is right I ask my self.
I need a friend, a plan, do I move, sell, give up my profession? I hate waking up as I do not want to.
Where do I go for help and help for what anyway. I envision her lifeless body every minute of every day. My only daughter, born 16 yrs after my first and estranged son.
If there is a God, why give a gift and then take it away. I ask myself every day where did I go wrong.
My sympathies to everyone and thank you for reading this saga of emotion.
Thank you for the words, I hope you do not mind if I share them as they express what I feel. I lost my son, 23 years old, in his sleep not sure why waiting on report. His name is Andrew Alvaro Oseguera and passed on 3/14/14. Writing and sharing helps, I am the father. I feel dispair, sorrow, grief...he was my pride and joy. I do not understand why things happen. I pray to God for all of you and for us. I feel I am in the woods dense with fog searching for him and cannot find him, helpless situation. God bless!
I want to say thank you for your poem....it feels ad though finally I am understood. I am truly sorry for your loss as I am dealing with the lost of my own son. My son King was stillborn @ birth just 3 days before my birthday. I also am going through the whys and the what ifs and boy it is a hard pill to swallow. I keep thinking like I see others with children all the time mistreating a.d abusing them neglecting and leaving them to the system...why did this have to happen to me? I was the one who wanted to love and care for my son to teach him and be there for him. Its so much easier for someone who doesn't know how it feels to go through this to say "oh its ok" but it never is and never will be. I'm at the point where I am too scared to even try again because I don't want to experience this pain for a second time
I haven't really had a chance to vent or release some of this build up since that day but I sure am happy I was able to read your post and know its other people in the world that feel how I'm feeling.
In 2wks it will be his 1st birthday/Angel-versary (August 15) and I'm lost. I cant think of what would really be good enough to do to honor/celebrate his day...if you have any suggestions I would gladly appreciate them.
I haven't really had a chance to vent or release some of this build up since that day but I sure am happy I was able to read your post and know its other people in the world that feel how I'm feeling.
In 2wks it will be his 1st birthday/Angel-versary (August 15) and I'm lost. I cant think of what would really be good enough to do to honor/celebrate his day...if you have any suggestions I would gladly appreciate them.
I want to say thank you for your poem....it feels ad though finally I am understood. I am truly sorry for your loss as I am dealing with the lost of my own son. My son King was stillborn @ birth just 3 days before my birthday. I also am going through the whys and the what ifs and boy it is a hard pill to swallow. I keep thinking like I see others with children all the time mistreating a.d abusing them neglecting and leaving them to the system...why did this have to happen to me? I was the one who wanted to love and care for my son to teach him and be there for him. Its so much easier for someone who doesn't know how it feels to go through this to say "oh its ok" but it never is and never will be. I'm at the point where I am too scared to even try again because I don't want to experience this pain for a second time
I haven't really had a chance to vent or release some of this build up since that day but I sure am happy I was able to read your post and know its other people in the world that feel how I'm feeling.
In 2wks it will be his 1st birthday/Angel-versary (August 15) and I'm lost. I cant think of what would really be good enough to do to honor/celebrate his day...if you have any suggestions I would gladly appreciate them.
I haven't really had a chance to vent or release some of this build up since that day but I sure am happy I was able to read your post and know its other people in the world that feel how I'm feeling.
In 2wks it will be his 1st birthday/Angel-versary (August 15) and I'm lost. I cant think of what would really be good enough to do to honor/celebrate his day...if you have any suggestions I would gladly appreciate them.
hi what you said is to many a true word spoken,and i dont think that anyone truely understands how people that have lost a child,no matter how old or why really understand the pain that lingers with you as a parent for the rest of your life..and your also right when you say..god help us all.. thats how i feel every day. but also,as much as my life will never be the same,and its took me so long and ive lost so many years before i realised this...it can never be the same,but it can be something else,something else that can make you happy again,keep strong and fight for that happiness and know you too still have a life to live,a life to finish and see to the end in the best way you know how..i wish you and everyone who suffers this pain the very best in the world.
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