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What is Normal After Your Child Dies
I lost my fantastic son Taylor a few years ago. The grief is as raw as ever. Holidays make it worse of course, and seeing kids who resemble him make me cry. I'm a basketcase, and I just can't seem to move on. Long story. *sigh*
I hope the following helps explain to others who have not experienced the loss of a child to understand just how fundamentally our lives have changed.
What is Normal after your child dies?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, X-mas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Passover.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is Taylor's age. And then thinking of the age he'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Taylor loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son, Taylor.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.
Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God.
"God may have done this because…"
I know Taylor is in "heaven," but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that Taylor is dead.
And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.
Normal is asking G-d why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a G-d.
Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.
Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."
Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever.
And last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to
feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."
The above poem was originally written by Tara and Heath Carey after they lost their daughters Violet and Iris in 2002 when natural gas caused their apartment to explode.
I hope the following helps explain to others who have not experienced the loss of a child to understand just how fundamentally our lives have changed.
What is Normal after your child dies?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, X-mas, Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Passover.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every boy who looks like he is Taylor's age. And then thinking of the age he'd would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your "normal."
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs's memory and their birthdays and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special Taylor loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my son, Taylor.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
NOTHING.
Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.
Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.
Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God.
"God may have done this because…"
I know Taylor is in "heaven," but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young man was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that Taylor is dead.
And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.
Normal is asking G-d why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a G-d.
Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.
Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back from the dead could possibly make it "better."
Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learned it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever.
And last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to
feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."
The above poem was originally written by Tara and Heath Carey after they lost their daughters Violet and Iris in 2002 when natural gas caused their apartment to explode.
I fully understand how you feel....keep the friends you trust
the most close, they will help you. There is nothing left to say
I feel the same way as you do. Each day you get up, and want
your son back....and it really does not get better.
Take great care all,
Hugs
Elaine
the most close, they will help you. There is nothing left to say
I feel the same way as you do. Each day you get up, and want
your son back....and it really does not get better.
Take great care all,
Hugs
Elaine
Thank you for the post. It really does hit the spot.
People would tell me "God has a plan" there is a reason my son died...this used to make me so mad, yet when people wouldn't try and console, this hurt also. I used to pick up the phone and pretend my son was on the other end and I'd say "I love you, bye" and hang up...wierd I know. Lots and lots of pills and alcohol, it should of been me. Chemicals only "mask" the grieving. When you stop them (if they don't kill you first) the grieving starts right from the beginning.
Reliving his death over and over in minute detail is like dieing a thousand deaths. He only died once, a parent doesn't have to keep dieing over and over.
Do you have any children? I still don't know what to say.
No there's nothing as horrible as losing your child.
abby
People would tell me "God has a plan" there is a reason my son died...this used to make me so mad, yet when people wouldn't try and console, this hurt also. I used to pick up the phone and pretend my son was on the other end and I'd say "I love you, bye" and hang up...wierd I know. Lots and lots of pills and alcohol, it should of been me. Chemicals only "mask" the grieving. When you stop them (if they don't kill you first) the grieving starts right from the beginning.
Reliving his death over and over in minute detail is like dieing a thousand deaths. He only died once, a parent doesn't have to keep dieing over and over.
Do you have any children? I still don't know what to say.
No there's nothing as horrible as losing your child.
abby
Hi my name is Joey I lost my beautifull 16 year old son 4 years ago in a car accident, I know how you feel so I don't hafto say anything about that. I just want people to let me get on withit. I tried to go back to work for about 2 half years after it happened but I can't I just can't take my mind off things, and now I have authorities on my back trying to get me to find a job, I hafto go to a meeting once a week and explain my self, they ask how I am so I say I'm fine and I know they don't want to know how I realy feel because when I have told them in the past I just get the feeling that they are pissed off with me for taking to long to grieve. I realy liked what you wrote about being normal it's spot on hope to hear from you soon Joey
I lost my 26 year old son 11/23 of last year...the first year was horrible...everything I see reminded me of him..I couldn't bear to look at his pictures and it was and has been very difficult. I still (and probably always will) have periods of depression and grief and sometimes I think of him and just sit and cry...of course the Holidays make it tough, the first birthday without them makes it tough, the first anniversary of their death makes it tough...I hear a sad song that doesn't even relate to him and I start crying and have to pull off the road...I can't bear to listen to "Angel" by Sara McLaughlin without breaking out in tears....
But we have to begin to move on and take care of ourselves and others around us...I have another son and 2 grandchildren and 3 stepchildren who have been very supportive...no, we can't ever forget them..that is not what I'm saying...don't ever forget him, but try to avoid the triggers that set us off (not an easy task) and know that he's safe in the arms of God....waiting for you...where you'll be together forever...
In God's love
Jim
But we have to begin to move on and take care of ourselves and others around us...I have another son and 2 grandchildren and 3 stepchildren who have been very supportive...no, we can't ever forget them..that is not what I'm saying...don't ever forget him, but try to avoid the triggers that set us off (not an easy task) and know that he's safe in the arms of God....waiting for you...where you'll be together forever...
In God's love
Jim
I extend my very deepest condolences to you and your family on the passing of your your young son He was sooo handsome and I know the pain and eternal wound that death leaves behind, I call it the eternal "spear through the heart" that will always remain.
I am a daugher who's mother died as I held her and watch her take her last breath, so I do understand the pain that death has cause and I suffer too. I also have to go to a cemetary with the numing pain and realization that like a bad dream my mother is dead and I can't do anything about it.
I read your post and I had to catch my breath and stop crying in order to respond. I read this poem and some parts of the poem emotionally upset me, because death is not normal for anyone and I am a daugher whose mother died and there is no words to describe the pain, grief and sorrow that I have and will continue to feel. Having to bury my mom was unatural for me too! There have been so many times, that I have gone to visit her grave and have literally fallen on my knees on top of her grave, with my heart wailing in pain for my mother. My soul wailed saying, "Mommy, where are you? How am I suppose to live without you? What do I do mommy, I need you? I can't sleep, because of the pain in my heart and I call her at night, because I need my mom and I want to know where she is at and how I don't know how to live without her. How do I live without my mom? How? I constantly relive her dying in my arms as I held her and death devistates my family and how do I console my father when he tells me, "I'm destroyed"? and at times I felt that unless someone has loss their mother, they can't possilby understand my pain and what it is like not to have a their mother. Death is raw and has no mercy. I also asked God why? Why did my mother have to die the way she did and why did as I watch her and held as she took her last breath? My mother was a devout Christian and an example to my family on faith in God and now, He is my strenght and I belive, have faith and trust in Him and Him alone. He is who I turn to when I want to die. I no longer have my mother to go too when I have problems, grief, pain, sorrow, questions. I would give my very life if I had mom again, so you see, you loss your son, and I loss my mom and I can only tell you that if you have died first, he would be as heartbroken as I am now and he would have givin his very life for you and it would break his heart to know that you would be suffering. He would want you not to suffer and to live. He wants you to live a full life, because it's not your time and I promise that one day in God's time, your son is going to come running to you from the gates of heaven and be the guiding light and show you the way. he is only a transition and a prayer away and faith in God is everything. Live your life fully and in God's time, you will be reunited with you son again.
I am a daugher who's mother died as I held her and watch her take her last breath, so I do understand the pain that death has cause and I suffer too. I also have to go to a cemetary with the numing pain and realization that like a bad dream my mother is dead and I can't do anything about it.
I read your post and I had to catch my breath and stop crying in order to respond. I read this poem and some parts of the poem emotionally upset me, because death is not normal for anyone and I am a daugher whose mother died and there is no words to describe the pain, grief and sorrow that I have and will continue to feel. Having to bury my mom was unatural for me too! There have been so many times, that I have gone to visit her grave and have literally fallen on my knees on top of her grave, with my heart wailing in pain for my mother. My soul wailed saying, "Mommy, where are you? How am I suppose to live without you? What do I do mommy, I need you? I can't sleep, because of the pain in my heart and I call her at night, because I need my mom and I want to know where she is at and how I don't know how to live without her. How do I live without my mom? How? I constantly relive her dying in my arms as I held her and death devistates my family and how do I console my father when he tells me, "I'm destroyed"? and at times I felt that unless someone has loss their mother, they can't possilby understand my pain and what it is like not to have a their mother. Death is raw and has no mercy. I also asked God why? Why did my mother have to die the way she did and why did as I watch her and held as she took her last breath? My mother was a devout Christian and an example to my family on faith in God and now, He is my strenght and I belive, have faith and trust in Him and Him alone. He is who I turn to when I want to die. I no longer have my mother to go too when I have problems, grief, pain, sorrow, questions. I would give my very life if I had mom again, so you see, you loss your son, and I loss my mom and I can only tell you that if you have died first, he would be as heartbroken as I am now and he would have givin his very life for you and it would break his heart to know that you would be suffering. He would want you not to suffer and to live. He wants you to live a full life, because it's not your time and I promise that one day in God's time, your son is going to come running to you from the gates of heaven and be the guiding light and show you the way. he is only a transition and a prayer away and faith in God is everything. Live your life fully and in God's time, you will be reunited with you son again.
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