Anybody please tell me what to do

[verysad8]

My then boyfriend (now husband) and I got pregnant right after we met.  Exactly a year ago.  I was very scared but very happy at the same time, he seemed happy too.  We got married and did everything possible to be with each other, but then things started going really badly with the pregnancy.  The doctor told me there was something wrong with the baby (a baby girl) had Turners syndrome, and that it was so bad that I would eventually miscarried.  I waited and waited, which is horrible: to wait for the baby to not be there anymore, while you really want it, and for people to keep asking you how the pregnancy is going and you can't even answer to that.  My brand new husband and I went through this with me crying everyday, we were on our honeymoon when the doctor called to tell us the placenta was not normal and that the pregnancy would probably end that week.  You can imagine the honeymoon we had.  But the baby was still there... 2 more weeks went by and nothing, and each time we saw the doctor he would give us worse news.  And he always ended with you'll miscarry this week.  But nothing.  Then I decided to terminate the pregnancy, I couldn't take it anymore... it was just so horrible.   Then after that we tried to heal.  I put it out of my mind, and made the adult decision to not dwell on it.  Until now.  It's been exactly a year, and as of last 3 months  I cannot stop thinking about the baby.  Every month I hope that by some miracle I'll be pregnant... but nothing, and I say by some miracle because my husband (who happens to be the most kind human being on earth) won't try with me.  He doesn't want us to have children yet.  I don't think he thinks we are ready, or maybe he feels guilty as I do too.  Or maybe he thinks it will happen again.  I've spoken to him about it (he's 41 and I'm 29) but he just feels it's not the right time.  Every month I obssess about any little symptom that might mean I'm pregnant, I weak up in the middle of the night thinking "I think I am pregnant" which again, really it would be a miracle.  I don't know what to do.  i don't know if I'm feeling like this just because of what I did or because I really want to be a mom.  I'll be 30 soon, and really if we're not ready now, then when.   I feel so sad about everything, but I don't think he knows what is like to want something this bad.  Even now that it's been 10 months after the D&C my periods are back to being regular (used to be 30 days cycle, now it's 32 or 33).  Is that normal?
I need help figuring this one out.

[adgal]

I am seeing this post for the first time a week late, but wanted to share my experience with you.  After my first m/c, things were obviously difficult.  I had a tough time of it physically, due to some complications, and then the emotional side of it really put me in a dark place for  a while.  Initially DH was hesitant to try again as well, and that made me feel worse, as I thought he must be blaming me or something.  Once we talked about it, I realized that on top of dealing with his own sense of loss, he was so worried about me.  He was just plain scared to try again.  It took a bit to get that out of him, as he was trying to be strong for me, and didn't want me to worry.  I found that by involving him in every step of the process, from follow up Dr. appointments, reading together information on line that say women that miscarry will still very likely go on to have healthy normal pregnancies, etc. really made a difference for him.  We have now experience 2 more m/c, and are trying again now.  Instead of each handling it our own way, as we did the first time, we are now truly dealing with it as a couple (he goes to all my OB appointments, was involved in the discussions with my OB about the tests they were going to do, etc. etc.).  Approaching this whole thing together has made a huge difference.  The poor guy was just as scared as I was, but we weren't communicating about it, he was busy being the strong one, and I was so involved in my own emotions, I wasn't thinking about the fact that this wasn't just my baby we lost, it was our baby. Things are so much better for us now.  I hope all goes well for you, and all the best to you and DH.  Sticky baby dust to you!!!

[Avanaar]

I hope everything went well with your talk with hubby!  It always seems hard to take that step towards talking about something important in your life, but then once you do, it's like a door has been opened and you wonder what you were so worried about!

So far, what I've learned from miscarrying and getting pregnant again is that we are not all 'doomed' to the same pain and despair as the last time.  Miscarriage is such a common occurrence and so many women go on to have children with no problems afterwards.  My grandmother, for example, is the proud mother of 5 children ... between her 4th and 5th she had a miscarriage ...and perhaps she had more and just did not realize it.  But, today, with all the HPTs and blood tests and early ultrasounds, more women are finding out sooner ...so now miscarriages can be recognized a lot earlier.

I am so sorry for all the pain you and your husband have had to experience losing a child.  I wish you and your hubby lots of love and baby dust if you decide to try again.  <3  

[verysad8]

Thank you so much for your comments.  I have read all your words and you're right, I have to talk to him.  I think a lot of it is fear that we would go through the same horrible experience we went through.  So we both just pretend it didn't happen.  We never dealt with it, and now, I feel like I'm going through it alone.  I don't want to overwhelm him, or be the sad nagging wife who only thinks about babies.  
I never thought just sharing this with you guys here (whithout even knowing you) would help me see things so clearly now.
I am so sorry for all the pain you guys went through during your experiences.  Nobody knows the conflict that goes on inside a woman when we go through a loss like this... it is so complicated... I think at some point I was happy it was over, and then next second I felt I was the most horrible human being for feeling better.
Anyway, I'm talking to him about it today.  I love him so much, he's such a good husband, and such a wonderful man.  The love of my life.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping a stranger.

Will have you guys in my prayers.  With love,

Me

[Avanaar]

My husband and I felt the same way after our miscarriage in January.  I tried to get thru it emotionally, but couldn't help dwelling on wanting to be pregnant again (but also not be pregnant b/c I was scared of miscarrying again).  Hubby did not want us to get pregnant again ...the miscarriage really affected him more than he thought it would.  He hated seeing how emotionally distraught I was ...and he didn't want either of us to have to go thru that pain again.  

Perhaps your husband is just afraid that you will both have to go thru the same emotional and physical pain from the last pregnancy.  I think you should both sit down together and talk about plans for a family.  Find out what he sees for your family's future and tell him how you've been feeling.  Nothing ever gets resolved by holding it in.  Good luck!!

[Sharon2714]

please darlin talk to a gyno there may be other issues like polycystic ovaries
or something that is making u irregular and could be giving ur hormones a real bad
run ... bring hubby with u to talk to the doc and be open about ur being ready for a baby
he can look into things and start a fertility work up on u and also get a transvaginal ultrasound that can rule out any disease of the ovaries
i am soooo sorry for ur loss ... my first baby was dead for three weeks before it was terminated ... some of the emotional symptoms u describe can be hormonal but are likely a post traumatic stress ... i ask god's blessings for u and ur family
love
sharon

[Dani711]

I was 14 weeks and was told the same thing by the dr. that I would eventually miscarry.  I had actually gone to a specialist 6 hours away, and they told me I could wait to miscarry naturally, but they recommened to just get it taken care of.  I had to wait a day and a half, and just that was so hard.   The first thing my husband and I did was go shopping for clothes to conceal my pregnancy for that time, because it was so hard to see it and have anyone even ask or look at my belly.  I can't totally relate to your husbands outlook on not being ready, but I am soooo ready i am driving him nuts on thinking I might be, and when we can try becasue i am ovulating.  I finally got my period after 7 long weeks after the procedure, and then this month got it again, so now all I can think about is getting pregnant again.  we are 9 years apart, me being younger and I had to have a different outlook on things now.  There is time!  As much as we want a child, I am taking each day with just us, and me not being pregnant yet and doing as much as I can.  I took up jogging.  We are taking our horses on trail rides for 15 miles at a time in the mountains, just the two of us.  We just got back from golfing together.  i take the time to read a book outside and soak up the sun.  there are so many things we couldn't be doing if I was pregnant.  I don't know, I just had such a hard time for a while and HAD to find the light at the end of the tunnel.  I had to learn not to obsess about it because that is simply not good for our marriage, and overall no matter what the future brings, that is most important now.
There is nothing to feel guilty about...**** happens to the best of us.  Don't dwell on the past and obsess about the future.  I guess I also had a diff. outlook because two of our freinds got married last year and right after he found out he had testicular cancer.  They wanted to have children right away...but he almost didn't make it through it...but did!!  She said that the most important thing now is there time together for the first couple of years, and they are waiting to have a child now (they froze some sperm)
i don't want you to think I don't totally understand your frustration, or desire to be a mom. but you and your husband have to be on the same page.
Oh...my cycle is longer in between now as well...I was curious as well if that was just something that happened.  It is however so nice to find someone in the same position I was with the baby and having to go through that when all you did was want a pray for it.
I hope I can help get you through even just a little!

[bny807]

I"m sooo sorry to hear that you had to go through that!  I can't even imagine!   I was/am devestated by having to wait 3 weeks or for our miscarriage and we were early in the pregnancy... Have you sat down and had a serious heart to heart with your dh??   told him how much you really want this and ask him why he does not now?  I would honestly just sit down and talk your true feelings with each other! (maybe over some wine would help!) just get it all out there on the table so you both know how each other are feeling and that way no one assumes the wrong thing.. and maybe yall are giong to be right there on the same page together!!! My prayers are with you, GOOD LUCK!!!