Men....

[TeddiH]

Ok, so this is not really a question, I just really need to get this out!
   On Friday I had my u/s to confirm the m/c, after we got home my bf/hubby left for the weekend to go snowboarding. I am not mad that he wants to have fun or anything, but he got home about 2 hours ago and comes in asking how my weekend was, then goes on to tell how he had a blast and how him the guys and some girls they met up with all went to the bar....
Oh I am so mad now! Because that is just what I wanted to hear, how he went out partying with the guys and strage girls right after my m/c...
He sees no problems with this and thinks that the m/c was no big deal!!
Sorry I just had to get this out!

[ArmyPrincess819]

TeddiH- Your man is on a ship over seas so he probably has the military mentality even though not a part of it. These men are made of steel and it's very brutal to show emotion. Read my post it says it all!

Bam- Nicely said! I couldn't agree more!

Big hugs to you both,
AP

[TeddiH]

Thanks ladies! I did talk to him about it and he finally got it!
He looked at me and said wow this really did affect you emotionaly and mentaly...
I just hope that if anything else like this comes up again he will handle it a little better.
You would think with all the other things we have been through he would know by now!
Men...
Thanks again!!

[mikaleen]

I remember with my dd, something happened and I was worried about m/c, and DH told me, well if it happens you can just try again..like it meant nothing to him.  I didn't speak to him for a month, and i told him if it happened I would never be trying again with an insensitive @55 like him.  It turned out all right in the end, but it was tense for a while.  He was much better this time around when I actualy did m/c a couple times.  I know it doesn't make it better, but know you are not the only one who feels like she is the only one in the relationship who cares.  I would've been upset beyond words also, and I might've gone along avik7's route. I hope he realizes how his words and actions hurt you so he can be as supportive as you need, but if not you always have here to come to.  

[bam1014]

I'm sure this was said already in the posts above, but men just process things differently.  My DH and I have been together for over 10 years, and you have no idea how many times I wish he would feel this way or that way, or express himself so I knew what was going on in his head.  Some men just aren't like that.  They are wired differently.  My DH had no reaction to my m/c, other then to tip toe around the house and ask if I was going to fall apart. (and he did some housework - so unlike him!)  Eventually one evening he made an offhand comment about how he thought it was his fault - but after that I got nothing more out of him.

Love you DH for who he is and just be there for him if he wants to talk.  We are all here for you and don't mind the venting.  We all have our days where nobody else can possilby understand but our girls here and that's why we have such a supportive community!

[TeddiH]

Thank you ArmyPrincess819
   No his not in the military, he work on a Drille Ship overseas. But he has worked on the rigs here in Canada for about 12 years. Hes a 'hard ***' if you may.
thanks again

[ArmyPrincess819]

He is upset and that is his way of showing it. By chance is he in the military? My dh hasn't talked to me like yours but at times he can' just hit a switch and turn off like a light it's amazing. Right now you are dealing with so much emotion that you are on a rollercoaster ride!. I wish it was easy but it's not. At some point when the dust settles you need to tell him that he may be hurt but he is out of line to say that wether or not the pg was planned you lost a life YOU BOTH made. Just because it was unplanned doesn't minimize the pain. He is entitled to feel and deal with his pain anyway he chooses but that doen't give him the right to say such hurtful things to you at a time like this. I wish you the best anytime you need to vent I'm here....
Hugs,
AP

[TeddiH]

avik2-
I know, and yes your comment did make me smile.

I know that there a lot of other women that are going through things much worse and I, I hope no1 took my post the wrong way! It was really just a vent more then anything.
  Its just nice that I can write something and get it out, I dont have anyone that I can vent to...
Sometimes I just write so please dont take anything I say the wrong way or to heart!

[avik7]

it sometimes affects men dif sometimes they dont quite understand..sorry if i seemed like i cared w my first comment..thought maybe it would make u smile! just take one dat at a time..thats all i can do

[TeddiH]

Thanks ladies,
   I have been the strong though this, that is for sure. I did ask him how he was feeling and (dont ever want to again) he said oh well, its not like it was planned anyway!
I have seen him cry, it hurts me so much when he does. I am not a big crier, but this time I could not hold it in. I think that its wearing on me to that I have not had one day (other then when I m/ced) away from my 2 year old in almost 4 months!! I stay at home with him so it gets...annoying...
   We have had a lot of things we have gone through and about 4 years ago we were both into some pretty bad things...
We made it throught everyting and I know we can make it through anything else but he really is a hard person to get along with....
Thanks again guys! Got to go make dinner
ttyl

[ArmyPrincess819]

I'm sorry for your loss. I know you are mad I would probably be too. When I had my last m/c in sept my dh was crying in the hosp asking me what he can do for me and I said just love me like you always have. From that moment on he was a changed man a piece of him died that day. I didnt' see the affects our m/c had on him because he didn't let me. In his mind he thought one of us had to be strong but in fact in reality he was the weaker one and I refused to see that. I thought how can you just deal and not let it bother you etc. I realized that he did care and it broke him as a man. Men are built differently than us women are in fact they are not equipped mentally and emotionally to handle painful crisis. Your hubby needed an escape he doesn't want you to see him broken. I don't know if you ever saw your dh cry but I didn't not until that day in the er.
We don't know how they feel even if we ask. My dh makes me pull it out of him how hurt he is etc. Our last m/c was so painful we seperated for a short time in dec of last yr. Now we are in marital counseling and we have yet to deal with grief surrounding our reoccuring m/cs. Now we are having complications with this pg so that is a new topic in our sessions but we have managed to keep it together. You need to worry about yourself and your body and recovery but don't shut him out not now. Just talk to him and be honest tell him how you feel tell him you need him as much as he needs you. Ask him how he is feeling. Be friends that is what brought you together to begin with. My dh is my bff I just talked to him tonight for about an 1 hr and he just listened to me and soon I will see changes. It's all about presentation. I'm sorry m/c hurts everyone involved. I wish you the best. I'm glad you posted the question it brings up a good point that I'm sure most of us on here can relate too. I hope you have a quick and smooth recovery. If you need to talk I'm here. Good luck.
AP-Community Leader

[avik7]

hit him in the balls and ask him how that made the rest of his week