m/c began last night - sigh.

[youme123]

First, thank you so much to smr08, bam1014, mikaleen, mapes10, ArmyPrincess819 and caitiegirl for all of your support.  My m/c (or what I think is one) began last night within moments of putting DS to bed. Pretty intense cramping and weird heavy bleeding.  I guess weird, because it was almost pouring out and clotty (still is poury).  Sorry to be so graphic, but it's weird - and sad and depressing and sort of like an out-of-body experience - I keep asking myself "is this really happening?".  Of course it is.  If there are silver linings, I was able to take ibuprofen for the headache (likely due to all of the crying) and the cramps - it barely touched the cramps, but they are a little bit better today.  Also, today is my 8th wedding anniversary, and my DH is simply amazing and supportive.  Of course he's sad we'll have to wait to continue TTC, but he seems to be mostly concerned about me and my health and happiness.  Anyway, I have to try to think of the great things in life today.  It's helping a little bit just that the m/c has started.  I didn't want to have to wait all week.  

Now, I just have so many questions like: how long is this m/c going to last?  Do I have to go to the OB next week (or whenever the bleeding stops) to make sure it's all gone and find out when I can start TTC again?  Is it safe for me to go to NY with DH to celebrate our anniversary this weekend (just two days), or I do I need to be near my OB?  When will I be hungry again?  I've lost 1 1/2 pounds since Saturday.  May not sound like a lot, but I weigh only 113 pounds.

I don't want to have a D&C, but I know I can't control that, but I still don't want to have one.  I'm 37 years old and don't want to have to wait months to TTC again.  I had it all planned out, and nothing stuck to the plan.  If this pg took, I would have been due on my birthday.  That's another silver lining, though: I want my next to have their own special day - to not have to share it with their mother (what a drag for them).  I'm stretching for silver linings, as you can see.  I'm sad and angry and happy and blessed to have DS, but I'm just exhausted.  This really has to be the hardest thing I've had to go through personally.  

Thank all you dear women out there who are there for me and others like me.  Apparently, there are so many of us, and I had no idea it was so prevalent.  Noone could know what this is like without having gone through this.  I had no idea and feel that I've been so ignorant to this for so long.  I'm sorry for never knowing this pain.  I wish I didn't have to, but now I know and can empathize much more deeply.  

[mikaleen]

I am sorry you are going though this.  Take care of yourself and get lots of rest. I felt terrible for the first 2 days and then I quickly felt much better physically.  I didn't need a d&c, and if your levels were at non-pregnant levels then I can't see a reason that you would need one.  Your Dr. may want to do an u/s in a week just to make sure your uterus is clear, and if it is, along with non-pregnant levels they will let you know how long to wait to ttc if you'd like to.  I hope you have a quick physically and that are well enough to celebrate your anniversary.  A week after my last m/c  had to go to a large function for my husband's job.  I didn't feel great, but I felt well enough to go for dinner and dancing, and it ended up really lifting my spirits.  It's easier to begin the emotional healing after the physical recovery has passed.  I hope that is quick for you.  Lot's of luck!

[natalie910]

youme123- I am so sorry you are going through this, I too had a m/c at 16w in Feb. and it has been devastating but it has also made me stronger. I had to deliver my baby so it was definitely  different but it is similar, too. I hope you are feeling well enough to go out for your anniversary, it helps to get out (atleast if did for me) I hope you can get a little rest and take care.

[crissy578]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your lost. I can completely understand what you are going through. I too had a miscarriage on Feb. 23rd. It is a very hard thing to swallow. I feel like I too have lost a part of myself that I will never get to meet or see again. I know that it's hard to say that it just wasn't meant to be, because a young innocent life coming into the world, is always meant to be. I can understand why you can't stop crying, and I would not expect you to just sit and hide your pain. I too fell horrible for what has happened to me and as well as the other women in the world that tries so hard to have a viable pregnancy, only to end up miscarrying. As the days go by, like myself you will start to heal in your own way. There is not really much that a person can say that could ever make someone feel better at this time. As I am typing this right now, I am tearing up, because I don't understand why this happens to any of us. You are in my prayers and I also wish you a speedy recovery. Keep your head up and don't lose faith in God during this trying time.

[baby2nd]

i am sorry for your lost and pray speedy recovery unto you and yours, you know ever so often one may read a post that would set the emotions back into play, making every thing feel as if, or ordeal is replaying it's self. i lose my baby @ 10wks on the 1-3-09. and though the days are going by, and sometimes the pain may sleep for a while, there are the things which just slaps you hard in the heart and mind. may GOD have mercy on us all. again my heart goes out to you.

[caitiegirl]

I'm sorry you had to go through this.  We just returned home from the ER.  Cait's numbers dropped from 33000 yesterday to 29000 today.  Everything is still there.  They had another US done.  1 sac, 2 Fetal poles, and yet no heartbeats.  Gets her HCG level tested again thursday and see OB.  Not sure yet what to process myself.  Hoping and praying for the best. Expecting the worse.  She's going back to school tomorrow

[ArmyPrincess819]

youme123- You will stall your recovery and not build up your blood count and immune system if you don't . Honestly you will do more damage to your body that you don't need. Please stop running around you are going through a m/c. I'm not tyring to preach I'm telling you from personal experience you will only stall ttc in the future. I'm here....

AP

[youme123]

Hi- I'm back, but all this running around is making me feel a bit woozy.  I have my Father-in-law here until 5:30, so I'm going to shut down from work early and go lie down to try and manage this feeling.  AP, thank you for reminding me to hydrate.  I don't always think of that, and maybe that's contributing to my wooziness.  Also, I haven't heard back from my OB's office.  Hopefully soon.  Anyway, love to you all, and I promise to reply personally to those I haven't responded to yet either tonight or tomorrow.  I felt way better this morning and early afternoon.  I'm drained.  Take care and thank you all for your well-wishes.  

[ArmyPrincess819]

Awww Honey I'm so sorry. I really thought things would turn out for the better. Please know I'm always here for you. You are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself get lots of rest and stay hydrated...Best wishes to you.... Please take care....

Hugs,
AP

[youme123]

I'm out to go to a meeting for a little bit, but I want you to know that if I haven't personally responded yet to your post, I will, I promise!  Also, I just talked with my OB's office, and she took down all the particulars and is going to give it to my OB, so she (or someone there) can call me back with a plan for what she wants me to do.  Thank goodness they want to give me a plan.  I was so worried they wouldn't even want to talk to me until at earliest next week.  I worry too much, I guess.  Talk soon!

[CacyMichelle]

I am so so sorry that you are having to experience this tragic loss. You are so right, that no one on earth can understand the feelings you experience unless you have faced this yourself. When we started trying, I honestly thought that we would try a few months and I would be pregnant. God obviously does not care about our plan, but he has something much greater for us in the future :) After trying for a year and then miscarrying, I got pregnant again immediatly, and am now 16 weeks a long with a healthy little boy. Hopefully you will not have to wait, and when you can begin trying things will work out perfectly. You know they can because you already have a beauitful son :) You should thank your lucky stars everyday to have such a supportive husband. I think all of our husbands are wonderful, but when something like this happens many of them do not know how to react, and they have trouble consoling us and grieving on their own. I pray this will all be over for you soon, and know your son now has a guardian angel that wasn't there before! One quote that really got me through this is "When God takes something from your grasp he is not punishing you, but merely opening your arms for more of his blessings."

[bam1014]

I would definitely call your dr and let them know that you are bleeding.  I'm sure that they will reassure you and tell you it should be no problem for you to go away for the weekend.  Like Lori and mapes said, it may be just what you need.  As long as you don't have a temperature and are not going through more then a pad an hour, you should be ok.  But confirm with your dr all the same.  Your dr will also let you know if a D&C is necessary, but I would think that it's highly unlikely.

I know how painful it is to want something so bad, only to have it taken from you so quickly.  I was never able to grieve in "public", but the ladies here have been so helpful and I really found that it helped to ease my pain by helping others through such a traumatic experience.

((((BUG HUGS)))) and Happy Anniversary!

[mapes10]

DH is right- it's hard for us to see but they lost a baby too.  It was so easy for me to get so wrapped up in the physical and emotional pain that I forgot how DH was suffering too.  The symptoms sound completely normal, so try not to worry.  Definitely call the dr; they probably won't say anything different but it's important that you keep them updated.  That was really sweet of your DH, and if you can think of ANYTHING you want, tell him.  Most men would love to be able to "fix" things in any way possible.  It's part of their nature.  I'm always here to listen, so definitely post or pm me anytime.  Take care of yourself during this stressful time.

[smr08]

Hi Leigh.. Let me know what the Dr. says when you call. I don't think that there will be a problem with you going with your DH as long as you feel ok. Enjoy yourself and bask in your DH's love and support.........Lori

[youme123]

Wow - those words are hard to hear, but you're so right.  I haven't even said the word "grieve", and I have only said once that I lost our baby and could barely get the words out when I said it.  Then DH says "we" lost our baby and that just because I was carrying it, it's not my fault at all.  And, you're right about DH: all he can say is that he loves me, supports me, and he wants to know what he can do to make me feel better, make this easier for me.  I told Lori that he sent me an e-invite to dinner in NY, which is so sweet of him - of course I want to go be with him.  I'm just scared something will go wrong with me while we're there.  Do my m/c symptoms sound normal to you?  Really I have heavy bleeding and mega cramps and no appetite.  Other than that, I feel (physically) ok.  Just feels like a really heavy period right now.  Thanks for understanding and caring.  

[youme123]

Hi Lori - I really am sorry for what you've been through TTC.  I don't want anyone to have to go through this even once but multiple times?  Ugh - what an understatement, and I feel silly for pouring my heart out to you.  My doc doesn't know I'm bleeding.  I didn't even think to call her, because they just told me to wait until next week. I guess I'll call to see where they want me to go from here.  Good call.  I'm just not thinking clearly right now.  And, I'm working on our firm's books - how scary is that!  My anniversary is an upbeat note-definitely; my husband just sent me an e-invite to have dinner with him at this restaurant in NY this weekend (hopefully we can still go).  Do you think we can?  It was so sweet for him to do that.  I'm so inspired that you are TTC after your losses.  Makes me have hope in the world.

[mapes10]

I know this is a horrible experience- I cried when I was bleeding because it felt like every drop represented a little bit more of our baby we were losing and a little more of our hearts that were breaking.  It is completely normal to cry, be angry, have a million questions, and feel completely alone.  Just know that we do understand.  As far as your questions- I would definitely still go to the dr to make sure everything is clear.  There's no reason you can't go celebrate with your DH this weekend; in fact it would probably be better for you two to get away and celebrate and grieve together.  The appetite and the emotions will settle down, but please remember that you are grieving for a loss.  It doesn't matter how pregnant you were you still lost your child.  Those are terribly difficult words to say (and hear), but it does make your pain more real.  Take care of yourself.  Try to enjoy the weekend and anniversary as much as possible, but if you feel like relaxing and just being with DH, TELL HIM!!!  If your DH is as good as he sounds, he'd probably love to hear any way to help right now (at least mine wanted to know how he could help).  Keep us posted.

[smr08]

Your so welcome. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I know how unfair it seems. Does your Dr. know that the bleeding started? If not, I would call and find out where he/she wants you to go from here. I never had a d&c, my first loss was early and came like a normal AF, second was an ectopic, third I was able to deliver the placenta and didn't need a d&c. Hang in there everything will work out. On an upbeat note, Happy Anniversary! Hope you have a wonderful day :) ((hugs)) Lori