The first year....

[Moonflower09]

This past august was a year since we made the baby, September was when we found out, October when we lost it. The past year has been rough. May was hard - it was when our baby would have been due. I'm finding as this month progresses and October is quickly approaching I'm getting more depressed. Guess cause it's also because we haven't conceived again. Does it get any easier? How do you handle it?

[shasy03]

That's what we are here for...support!  I have felt alone in this all too and it helps me to talk about it and stay positive.  It took me 18 months for me to get pregnant from my third pregnancy and miscarriage to my fourth pregnancy.  

As for your husband, I see where you are concerned.  My husband is the same way in some aspects.  He tries so hard to be strong for me because he knows I'm hurting so bad that he hides his feelings.  It has taken up until this miscarriage for him to talk about anything.  He doesn't want to try anymore just wants to take it where it's suppose to go.  Giving up is what we finally did after a year and within 6 months I was pregnant.  Just try to be there and just let him know when he needs you you are there.

[Moonflower09]

Thank you shasy.  I'm trying.  I really am.  I'm just also worried about my husband.  He won't talk about it and something's bothering him.  I have a gut feeling it's one of two things.  Either he's still upset that we lost the baby and he's unhappy that we haven't gotten pregnant again, or he doesn't want to try anymore.  He won't even talk to me about trying again anymore.  Last week when I got my stupid period he seemed so angry at everything.  He's not usually like that.  He was just in such a bad mood.  And he doesn't seem to want to have sex anymore and that's freakin' me out a little.  So I guess it's just a combination of a lot of things.  

I am so thankful that have all of you to help me through.  I've felt pretty isolated and haven't had anyone to talk to.

I'm so sorry about your losses.  You are an amazing person with so much positive energy.

[shasy03]

It does get easier.  I'm coming up on the due date of one of my miscarriages (oct 6th) and the loss of another (sept 24th)  both within weeks of each other.  It kills me to think that I'm suppose to be happy for multiple reasons during these times and I can't help but to be sad.  My last baby was due the day before dh birthday...that's gonna kill me and we lost our 3rd one on DH's Dad's birthday.  It is tough.  You just have to remember to have faith and think to yourself that you are already and MOM.  That in due time you WILL be holding a baby in your arms that is yours.  I know it is hard...and it seems like days just run together.  Try to keep yourself as busy as possible and time will heal a little.  Just know we are here for you and at night go and look at the stars.

"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy."

"Perhaps the stars, in the sky are loved ones letting us know they are near, by guiding us through the night."

I don't know who wrote these two but they help a lot for me so I thought I would share with you.

[Moonflower09]

Thank you. Your words really meant a lot.

[megancannon]

holding it inside is really not good for you. you need to let it out some way. try starting a journal. write poems, anything. just to let it out. even if no one else reads it, just get it out. i searched for songs about losing an infant and still birth, poems, things i could read or listen to. and even thought it made me cry while i was listening to them or reading them, i felt better after.

i had bought baby book for my son and daughter while i was pregnant. instead of putting them away in the closet after they died, i followed through with it and finished them. we keep them on the coffee table and whenever i am having a bad day, i can pick them up and look at their pictures.

it is normal to feel depressed and sad but you also have to remember that when bad things happen we may slow down but the world keeps going. we have to be strong and pick ourselves back up and try to keep going on with life. it doesn't mean you are forgetting your baby, it just means you are taking care of yourself. i always try to remind myself every day that my son and daughter are watching me. they don't want to see me sad or crying.

my husband doesn't talk much about it either. men take things differently than women. when our son was born, my husband did not even get to hold him while he was alive. he did not want to take him from me because he knew my heart was breaking. he would not let himself cry because he did not want me to feel worse. he patiently waited and after he died, he held him. we fought a lot when we first got home from the hospital because it was so stressful. we would go places and find ourselves saying 'i bet byron would've liked this.' when our daughter was still born, he held her, he kissed her and told her he loved her. he cried himself to sleep that night in the hospital. at that point.. it was our 3rd loss (i miscarried in between my son and daughter) so the pain was becoming unbearable and i think he couldn't hold it in anymore. now he is more open about it and sometimes he will sit and talk to me about everything.

just remember everyone is different and grieves differently. don't let anyone tell you how you feel is wrong. take your time healing. and also, there are anti depressants you can take while you're pregnant, so if you feel like you may need that i would make an appointment with your doctor. i have severe back pain and i take a low dose of elavil (an antidepressant) and it is safe to take during pregnancy.

i don't know if you noticed.. but your miscarriage was the same day as my sons birthday.. i will be thinking of you as well.

[Moonflower09]

That's really sweet. I'm so sorry. Loosing a child is so painful. I can't imagine what you must go through.

It's just so hard for me to talk about. I'm afraid to say anything to my husband. I end up holding it all inside and this forum has been my only outlet.

I've been thinking about some sort of memorial. Maybe it would help to get past it. I need some sort of closure.

Do you ever find that certain events/reminders make it more difficult? My husband is a muscian. He has two bands. One here local that he plays with weekly, the other one they only play once a year cause the other guys live out of state. They are here playing this weekend and working on thier album. It was this time last year they were here recording/playing when we got pregnant. I'm finding this weekend incrediably hard to enjoy this get together. And maybe it's also as the season is turning to fall. Fall has always been my favorite time of year. This time last year we were so happy and excited when we found out I was pregnant. Now as the weather cools and the leaves begin to fall I feel so sad.

I really thought I would be past my grief by now. But instead, I feel even more depressed. My husband thinks I should take antidepressants. I can't do that if we want to get pregnant. I just don't know how to deal with the pain.

I'm so sorry you lost your babies. I know those days are very hard for you. My miscarriage was October 10th. You are in my thoughts and I well say a prayer for that day.

[megancannon]

october 10th will be my sons 2 birthday. it is really hard for me to celebrate the day he was born, because it is also the day he died. december 6th will also be my daughters 1st birthday, 1 year since she was still born. i know your pain.

i have honestly found that talking about them makes it easier. every year my husband and i get balloons, write them notes on the balloons and let them fly away on their special days.