Aa
Help with my thoughts that are scaring me
Hey everyone. Been awhile since I've actually checked the forum so all of those who are new to here. Glad your here just wish we didn't have to be. To the ones I've talked with over the months, you'll never know what you've meant to me.
After talking with two of my friends I've befriended here, I've been urged to post my situation for help. I usually don't like to talk about this stuff, but I'm at the point where theres a strong possibility today, tomorrow, next week, who knows, that I won't get the chance.
I've always had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts. It goes back to things when I was younger. I had a brother who was born 2 years before me, and he didn't make it half a day before he died. Knowing how my parents were, there wasn't much love there between them. I never saw anything sweet or an "awwww" moment from them. They split up and was going to divorce when I was in 8th grade I believe, I was devastated. Not because they were divorcing, but my mom can't drive, and I knew I wouldn't have a way to and from baseball and football practice. I knew they shouldn't be together, my dad was always getting transfered back and forth because of work which made it tough. My neighbor told my mom I was going to attempt suicide which I later found out. Fact of the matter is I did attempted it, and failed obviously. So they stayed together til I was old enough to drive and then made it official. My grandfather actually drove an hour each way to make sure I went to practices and games. But through the years I would cut myself, not necessarily to kill myself, but just because it seemed to take the mental pain away for awhile.
Back in 2006 my grandfather passed away, he was my everything. I thought he was bullet proof, I went through a rough time. Still haunts me not having him. Between that and my wife cheating on me, my mindset became worse.
Throw in the MS that was diagnosed last summer, things are bad again. I have been more meds than I can remember. Nothing has seemed to work. Lately I've been unable to do things with my two young children, like going fishing, to parks... the things I took for granted. Before when I thought about suicide, I think part of it was a cry for help, but here lately it's like I don't care one way or another, which scares me. I've started cutting my wrist and arms again. No matter how sharp the knife and how hard I cut, or saw for that matter, I hardly bled. Part of me wants to live to see them grow old, but the majority of me is tired of living. I feel guilty and hate myself more everyday that I lived and my brother didn't. I know it's nothing I could do considering I was still 2 years from being born, but I feel like I've cheated him.
I have tried probably 5 or 6 times to end it, all failing. A few I honestly don't know how. I never was a big religious person, but I believed in God, and would pray every night before I fell asleep. But now, with the sleep paralysis dreams that won't let me sleep. I don't know what to think, part of me thinks he hates me and is pushing me to end it, part of me now doesn't believe he exist. I have been seeing a well known psychiatrist who has tried me on a few different things in the last 3 months. First ones were Prostiq, which didn't help. He also game me klonopin for sleeping which does help me sleep. Now after I saw him last week and he saw my wrist and the cut marks, he has me on a higher dose of klonopin, plus Remeron 30mg at bed. As for "instant" relieve, he gave me Seroquel 50mg. Probably is it takes an hour to kick in which is to late for my issues. I honestly don't know what other medicines may work for me, if any.
I swear I hate to lay all of this out here, but I'm at the end of the line for me. Any suggestions, help, ANYTHING would be helpful and appreciated. I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings, so I could never do physical harm. I am a sweet, funny, big hearted person, just not to myself and I'm needing help. Sorry I wrote so much, but had to explain what I could.
After talking with two of my friends I've befriended here, I've been urged to post my situation for help. I usually don't like to talk about this stuff, but I'm at the point where theres a strong possibility today, tomorrow, next week, who knows, that I won't get the chance.
I've always had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts. It goes back to things when I was younger. I had a brother who was born 2 years before me, and he didn't make it half a day before he died. Knowing how my parents were, there wasn't much love there between them. I never saw anything sweet or an "awwww" moment from them. They split up and was going to divorce when I was in 8th grade I believe, I was devastated. Not because they were divorcing, but my mom can't drive, and I knew I wouldn't have a way to and from baseball and football practice. I knew they shouldn't be together, my dad was always getting transfered back and forth because of work which made it tough. My neighbor told my mom I was going to attempt suicide which I later found out. Fact of the matter is I did attempted it, and failed obviously. So they stayed together til I was old enough to drive and then made it official. My grandfather actually drove an hour each way to make sure I went to practices and games. But through the years I would cut myself, not necessarily to kill myself, but just because it seemed to take the mental pain away for awhile.
Back in 2006 my grandfather passed away, he was my everything. I thought he was bullet proof, I went through a rough time. Still haunts me not having him. Between that and my wife cheating on me, my mindset became worse.
Throw in the MS that was diagnosed last summer, things are bad again. I have been more meds than I can remember. Nothing has seemed to work. Lately I've been unable to do things with my two young children, like going fishing, to parks... the things I took for granted. Before when I thought about suicide, I think part of it was a cry for help, but here lately it's like I don't care one way or another, which scares me. I've started cutting my wrist and arms again. No matter how sharp the knife and how hard I cut, or saw for that matter, I hardly bled. Part of me wants to live to see them grow old, but the majority of me is tired of living. I feel guilty and hate myself more everyday that I lived and my brother didn't. I know it's nothing I could do considering I was still 2 years from being born, but I feel like I've cheated him.
I have tried probably 5 or 6 times to end it, all failing. A few I honestly don't know how. I never was a big religious person, but I believed in God, and would pray every night before I fell asleep. But now, with the sleep paralysis dreams that won't let me sleep. I don't know what to think, part of me thinks he hates me and is pushing me to end it, part of me now doesn't believe he exist. I have been seeing a well known psychiatrist who has tried me on a few different things in the last 3 months. First ones were Prostiq, which didn't help. He also game me klonopin for sleeping which does help me sleep. Now after I saw him last week and he saw my wrist and the cut marks, he has me on a higher dose of klonopin, plus Remeron 30mg at bed. As for "instant" relieve, he gave me Seroquel 50mg. Probably is it takes an hour to kick in which is to late for my issues. I honestly don't know what other medicines may work for me, if any.
I swear I hate to lay all of this out here, but I'm at the end of the line for me. Any suggestions, help, ANYTHING would be helpful and appreciated. I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings, so I could never do physical harm. I am a sweet, funny, big hearted person, just not to myself and I'm needing help. Sorry I wrote so much, but had to explain what I could.
I have not met you before and have just skim read all the posts and want to write to you but have to go out right now so will come back later when I have got my son back ot college.
The first thing that comes to my mind is that you have reached out to us as a cry for help and this is an important step in taking control for yourself of your life. Things seem very tough now for you and especiallya s your wife has left you. I will write some more later but just feel you need to hear from as many friends as possible to give you support.
With love
Sarah x
PS I am a professional counsellor living in England and I mainly worked with bereaved individuals, but have also worked with children and teenages.
The first thing that comes to my mind is that you have reached out to us as a cry for help and this is an important step in taking control for yourself of your life. Things seem very tough now for you and especiallya s your wife has left you. I will write some more later but just feel you need to hear from as many friends as possible to give you support.
With love
Sarah x
PS I am a professional counsellor living in England and I mainly worked with bereaved individuals, but have also worked with children and teenages.
Huff,
I am so sorry!!! I could be nasty and call your wife some choice names but I don't know her and that wouldn't be very Christian and I doubt it would make you feel better. If it would you let me know though and I will get creative just for you!!
I am really glad that the new medicine is helping. I know that it is hard to focus on the positive now while looking around at what is gone but try to do just that. Stick with this new medicine and look forward to tomorrow being a stronger day. Don't say that it is too late because you never know.
Maybe this "separation" will turn out to be a good thing. You can focus on getting well and your wife will feel lonely and a bit empty while you are apart and appreciate you again for all of your great qualities. Time can heal wounds (not all of them) but thinking positive maybe it will heal hers so that she can come back to you and you can both be in a better place.
Maybe starting a new life is a journey that you are meant to take since you have never done it. Each day can be a fresh canvas and you can really think about what you want to make it happy and beautiful.
I will be thinking of you and saying a prayer for you to find your path from here. I am proud of you for reaching out and sharing. Keep us posted in the days to come and remember that we are your forum FAMILY so while we may not be down the road we are only a keyboard away (and there are lots of us)!
Hugs,
Erin :)
I don't think its gonna matter. For those who don't know, I am gone 2 days usually for work. I just got back home from a trip and my wife, kids, everything they have is gone. All that's left is my few things and the cat. I'm trying to be strong but how the heck am I supposed to? I have no family withing 4 hours driving. The youngest member of my family other than wife and kids is 62. I have no close relatives. I don't want to put more strain on my families old age and health problems as it is. I'm stuck on an island it seems (again).
The sad thing is I just started a new medication 3 days ago and it seems to helped BIG time. But now it's to late. I know she is a terrible person for leaving me when I need her most, but now you all realize what I've been going through. I'm not thinking of doing anything to myself, which is amazing considering my last month or so, but I feel so empty.
I'm sorry for bringing everyone down, but had to vent. Considering it's 1230 at night. Theres not many ways to do it. I love you all for every word and every thought you took the time for me. Now I gotta start a life over on my own, which i've never done. To be honest, its scarier to think of than dying or anything I've ever faced. Just remember, I'll be ok. Somehow someway I will be.
The sad thing is I just started a new medication 3 days ago and it seems to helped BIG time. But now it's to late. I know she is a terrible person for leaving me when I need her most, but now you all realize what I've been going through. I'm not thinking of doing anything to myself, which is amazing considering my last month or so, but I feel so empty.
I'm sorry for bringing everyone down, but had to vent. Considering it's 1230 at night. Theres not many ways to do it. I love you all for every word and every thought you took the time for me. Now I gotta start a life over on my own, which i've never done. To be honest, its scarier to think of than dying or anything I've ever faced. Just remember, I'll be ok. Somehow someway I will be.
I'm glad you're feeling better, but I hope you wrote down those 24-hour suicide hot lines I posted for you: Keep them in your wallet for future use. If you should call them, do not be upset if you are temporarily put on hold (funding has cut resources somewhat) because someone will get back to you eventually and talking with someone can help.
Your words sound so like what my son would say!! Don't forget about asking your doctor to try you on Lamictal (lamotrigine). You've tried so many other meds that didn't work.
Be proactive now while you are not in the depths.
Good luck to you! We love you here!!
Hugs,
WAF
Your words sound so like what my son would say!! Don't forget about asking your doctor to try you on Lamictal (lamotrigine). You've tried so many other meds that didn't work.
Be proactive now while you are not in the depths.
Good luck to you! We love you here!!
Hugs,
WAF
Soooo glad to hear from you, Huff:) Keep us posted on how things are going with your medications and your own personal work with the doctor. I believe you would be someone well worth knowing and I want to know you for many, many more years. hugs, jo
Hi Huff,
Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. We ARE ALL your friends here on the forum and someone to talk to. So happy you are taking steps for help.
You are not alone. All of us with MS go through periods of depression. I think once they can find a good medication combination for you, I think it will help a lot.....
Feel Better....
terri
Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. We ARE ALL your friends here on the forum and someone to talk to. So happy you are taking steps for help.
You are not alone. All of us with MS go through periods of depression. I think once they can find a good medication combination for you, I think it will help a lot.....
Feel Better....
terri
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