Help with my thoughts that are scaring me

[huff1711]

Hey everyone. Been awhile since I've actually checked the forum so all of those who are new to here. Glad your here just wish we didn't have to be. To the ones I've talked with over the months, you'll never know what you've meant to me.

After talking with two of my friends I've befriended here, I've been urged to post my situation for help. I usually don't like to talk about this stuff, but I'm at the point where theres a strong possibility today, tomorrow, next week, who knows, that I won't get the chance.

I've always had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts. It goes back to things when I was younger. I had a brother who was born 2 years before me, and he didn't make it half a day before he died. Knowing how my parents were, there wasn't much love there between them. I never saw anything sweet or an "awwww" moment from them. They split up and was going to divorce when I was in 8th grade I believe, I was devastated. Not because they were divorcing, but my mom can't drive, and I knew I wouldn't have a way to and from baseball and football practice. I knew they shouldn't be together, my dad was always getting transfered back and forth because of work which made it tough. My neighbor told my mom I was going to attempt suicide which I later found out. Fact of the matter is I did attempted it, and failed obviously.  So they stayed together til I was old enough to drive and then made it official. My grandfather actually drove an hour each way to make sure I went to practices and games. But through the years I would cut myself, not necessarily to kill myself, but just because it seemed to take the mental pain away for awhile.

Back in 2006 my grandfather passed away, he was my everything. I thought he was bullet proof, I went through a rough time. Still haunts me not having him. Between that and my wife cheating on me, my mindset became worse.
Throw in the MS that was diagnosed last summer, things are bad again. I have been more meds than I can remember. Nothing has seemed to work. Lately I've been unable to do things with my two young children, like going fishing, to parks... the things I took for granted. Before when I thought about suicide, I think part of it was a cry for help, but here lately it's like I don't care one way or another, which scares me. I've started cutting my wrist and arms again. No matter how sharp the knife and how hard I cut, or saw for that matter, I hardly bled. Part of me wants to live to see them grow old, but the majority of me is tired of living. I feel guilty and hate myself more everyday that I lived and my brother didn't. I know it's nothing I could do considering I was still 2 years from being born, but I feel like I've cheated him.  

I have tried probably 5 or 6 times to end it, all failing. A few I honestly don't know how. I never was a big religious person, but I believed in God, and would pray every night before I fell asleep. But now, with the sleep paralysis dreams that won't let me sleep. I don't know what to think, part of me thinks he hates me and is pushing me to end it, part of me now doesn't believe he exist.   I have been seeing a well known psychiatrist who has tried me on a few different things in the last 3 months. First ones were Prostiq, which didn't help. He also game me klonopin for sleeping which does help me sleep.  Now after I saw him last week and he saw my wrist and the cut marks, he has me on a higher dose of klonopin, plus Remeron 30mg at bed. As for "instant" relieve, he gave me Seroquel 50mg. Probably is it takes an hour to kick in which is to late for my issues. I honestly don't know what other medicines may work for me, if any.

I swear I hate to lay all of this out here, but I'm at the end of the line for me. Any suggestions, help, ANYTHING would be helpful and appreciated. I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings, so I could never do physical harm. I am a sweet, funny, big hearted person, just not to myself and I'm needing help. Sorry I wrote so much, but had to explain what I could.

[Audrey_M]

Huff:

As you can see by the posts, you are very much in our thoughts and hearts right now.

A common recommendation has been made that you call the police to report your children missing. I hope that you follow through on this advice. Even if the police can't do anything right now, you are creating a trail for the future of your relationship with your kids. It will be on record.

For those of us who have read your profile and posts, we do know that your job takes you away for days at a time and you have mentioned a limited support system. Can you please tell us what local support, if any, you have?

Have you thought about contacting any parents of your kids' friends?

If you feel that your support system is none, you might want to consider reaching out to a pastor/priest right now or some social service agency who can provide you with an advocate. Your situation is one that even the greatest superhero on earth would not be able to handle alone.

You've also mentioned that you are posting here using a Blackberry, which is hard for you to do with the small keys and the size of your fingers. Maybe by reaching out to others, you could find a computer that you can borrow to make things easier for you to post here and other places, as well as using the internet for help right now.

Huff, what has happened is in no way your fault. Whatever problems there may have been in your marriage does not justify one parent taking children away from the other without notice, except in the event of domestic violence and that does not fit your profile or response to the situation.

Hope the meds keep working for you and are helping you to cope with a very difficult situation. Even though we have not heard from you, I hope that you are reading these posts and getting some moral and practical support.

Please let us know how you are doing.

xxox,

Audrey

[michelleislay]

oh my, i didn't realize that they were gone with absolutely no contact.

i would certainly start by calling the police and filing a missing persons report.  then perhaps child welfare services (called children's aid in canada, not sure about the states).  these two avenues should get you going on the right path.  i agree, financial constraints should not hold you back quite yet, start with these two calls and see what needs to come next.

let us know how you are doing today if you can.

please don't feel too alone just now, you are in all of our minds here.

xo michelle

[Sparkysarah]

Just to say that I am sure there must be someone who can give you some support and advocacy. I do not know anything about USA law...but you need some help and your financial position should not be a constraint where your kids welfare is at risk.

I am not sure how old your kids are but I am wondering once your holiday is over today, if they are at school, if your wife has been in touch with anyone.

Are you able to ring any relatives to see if she has gone there of they know where she is. Does she have any friends who live nearby who may know something. I would guess that she may have initially gone to stay with someone she knows...but it depends how long she has been planning this or if it was an instantaneous decision.

Would you be able to report them as missing persons to the police and would they be able to at least give you some advice on if there is anything you can do? Then as Erin suggested..I am sure that there must be some legal aid available.

I can understand your feeling of helplessness....but just try and think of every single avenue that you could explore and all the contacts that you have where it is possible she may have gone. Someone who knows her must know where she has gone and if you at least knew wher she was, it would give you a little peace of mind that your kids are OK. Uncertainty is very hard to deal with but just try and deal with what you do know, rather than thinking about what maybe.

Check in again with us soon and other folks..have you any more practical suggestions what Huff can do to help him trace his missing wife and kids..HE REALLY NEEDS ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET.

Love Sarah x

[Erin0313]

  I'm sorry that today wasn't a better day. One step and one day at a time right?

  We have lots of lawyers here for divore and bankrupty that don't charge you anything until they get things done for you. It could just be because our economy stinks and divorce and bankruptcy are about the only thing we need lawyers for here right now. Could you call and find out if any in your area work like that or maybe set up very reasonable payment schedules?

I think that some way or another you have to find legal help. Tomorrow look up the phone number for legal aid and call or call on Tuesday if they are closed tomorrow. Like I said before, I don't know your wife but even so I do know that she can't just pick up the kids and all their stuff and take off like this!

I'm glad that you checked in again tonight - sorry that you are still awake at this hour though.

Think about the legal aid possibility and do your best to relax because like you said the stress is what's making your MS rear it's ugly head. Are you to macho for candles and a bubble bath, ha ha. That works for me sometimes so maybe you should try it - oh and don't forget the great music (nothing sad or sappy)

HUGS,
Erin :)

[huff1711]

If I was betting I'd say they moved to Florida. The only way I could get them back is to file for divorce and get a restraining order to keep them here. Unless I win the lottery its not gonna happen cause I barely make it by paycheck to paycheck.

I tried texting her and calling her today, only asking important things, like if she paid the rent before she left. I got nothing back. Which is how it's gonna end up being. It's taking everything I have not to break down, but once I start I know I won't stop.

Its gonna be a long time if I even feel like I'm not gonna cry. But chances are that isn't gonna happen.  I'm stuck with nothing and nothing I can do about it. It's a helpless feeling. Not to mention now all the MS symptoms I'd had within the last year are all back all at once because of stress. It's a no win situation for me. But I will take every minute at a time cause I still haven't slept. Probably won't for a long time either.

[Sumanadevii]

Huff,
Maybe this is where it needed to go?  From your posts your wife was not helping matters but adding to your stress level?  It may be time for you to become selfish here and take care of Huff.  It wasn't an emotionally healthy place to live for you and surely worse for your children.  

Maybe try contacting the children.  They have be guilt ridden knowing mom has left dad and dad is sick.  Let the children know you will be fine and nothing will change the fact that you are their dad.  Tell them they can call you when they want and you will be available for them.

Then...maybe you can concentrate on Huff.  Huff needs to destress himself and this is a positive first step.  Some have talked about getting a counselor.  Maybe that is what you need or maybe just an "outsider" to listen.  You know there are so many little chuches out there that would welcome the opportunity to minister to you right now.  They will lend an open ear, help you come to terms with what is happening in your life and...and...they usually love to cook and bring food!!!  It seems one way they show that caring by sharing a meal.  

Thinking of you, Huff.  I hope you grab onto the strength you have shown on these boards.  

Sumana