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Help with my thoughts that are scaring me
Hey everyone. Been awhile since I've actually checked the forum so all of those who are new to here. Glad your here just wish we didn't have to be. To the ones I've talked with over the months, you'll never know what you've meant to me.
After talking with two of my friends I've befriended here, I've been urged to post my situation for help. I usually don't like to talk about this stuff, but I'm at the point where theres a strong possibility today, tomorrow, next week, who knows, that I won't get the chance.
I've always had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts. It goes back to things when I was younger. I had a brother who was born 2 years before me, and he didn't make it half a day before he died. Knowing how my parents were, there wasn't much love there between them. I never saw anything sweet or an "awwww" moment from them. They split up and was going to divorce when I was in 8th grade I believe, I was devastated. Not because they were divorcing, but my mom can't drive, and I knew I wouldn't have a way to and from baseball and football practice. I knew they shouldn't be together, my dad was always getting transfered back and forth because of work which made it tough. My neighbor told my mom I was going to attempt suicide which I later found out. Fact of the matter is I did attempted it, and failed obviously. So they stayed together til I was old enough to drive and then made it official. My grandfather actually drove an hour each way to make sure I went to practices and games. But through the years I would cut myself, not necessarily to kill myself, but just because it seemed to take the mental pain away for awhile.
Back in 2006 my grandfather passed away, he was my everything. I thought he was bullet proof, I went through a rough time. Still haunts me not having him. Between that and my wife cheating on me, my mindset became worse.
Throw in the MS that was diagnosed last summer, things are bad again. I have been more meds than I can remember. Nothing has seemed to work. Lately I've been unable to do things with my two young children, like going fishing, to parks... the things I took for granted. Before when I thought about suicide, I think part of it was a cry for help, but here lately it's like I don't care one way or another, which scares me. I've started cutting my wrist and arms again. No matter how sharp the knife and how hard I cut, or saw for that matter, I hardly bled. Part of me wants to live to see them grow old, but the majority of me is tired of living. I feel guilty and hate myself more everyday that I lived and my brother didn't. I know it's nothing I could do considering I was still 2 years from being born, but I feel like I've cheated him.
I have tried probably 5 or 6 times to end it, all failing. A few I honestly don't know how. I never was a big religious person, but I believed in God, and would pray every night before I fell asleep. But now, with the sleep paralysis dreams that won't let me sleep. I don't know what to think, part of me thinks he hates me and is pushing me to end it, part of me now doesn't believe he exist. I have been seeing a well known psychiatrist who has tried me on a few different things in the last 3 months. First ones were Prostiq, which didn't help. He also game me klonopin for sleeping which does help me sleep. Now after I saw him last week and he saw my wrist and the cut marks, he has me on a higher dose of klonopin, plus Remeron 30mg at bed. As for "instant" relieve, he gave me Seroquel 50mg. Probably is it takes an hour to kick in which is to late for my issues. I honestly don't know what other medicines may work for me, if any.
I swear I hate to lay all of this out here, but I'm at the end of the line for me. Any suggestions, help, ANYTHING would be helpful and appreciated. I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings, so I could never do physical harm. I am a sweet, funny, big hearted person, just not to myself and I'm needing help. Sorry I wrote so much, but had to explain what I could.
After talking with two of my friends I've befriended here, I've been urged to post my situation for help. I usually don't like to talk about this stuff, but I'm at the point where theres a strong possibility today, tomorrow, next week, who knows, that I won't get the chance.
I've always had problems with depression and suicidal thoughts. It goes back to things when I was younger. I had a brother who was born 2 years before me, and he didn't make it half a day before he died. Knowing how my parents were, there wasn't much love there between them. I never saw anything sweet or an "awwww" moment from them. They split up and was going to divorce when I was in 8th grade I believe, I was devastated. Not because they were divorcing, but my mom can't drive, and I knew I wouldn't have a way to and from baseball and football practice. I knew they shouldn't be together, my dad was always getting transfered back and forth because of work which made it tough. My neighbor told my mom I was going to attempt suicide which I later found out. Fact of the matter is I did attempted it, and failed obviously. So they stayed together til I was old enough to drive and then made it official. My grandfather actually drove an hour each way to make sure I went to practices and games. But through the years I would cut myself, not necessarily to kill myself, but just because it seemed to take the mental pain away for awhile.
Back in 2006 my grandfather passed away, he was my everything. I thought he was bullet proof, I went through a rough time. Still haunts me not having him. Between that and my wife cheating on me, my mindset became worse.
Throw in the MS that was diagnosed last summer, things are bad again. I have been more meds than I can remember. Nothing has seemed to work. Lately I've been unable to do things with my two young children, like going fishing, to parks... the things I took for granted. Before when I thought about suicide, I think part of it was a cry for help, but here lately it's like I don't care one way or another, which scares me. I've started cutting my wrist and arms again. No matter how sharp the knife and how hard I cut, or saw for that matter, I hardly bled. Part of me wants to live to see them grow old, but the majority of me is tired of living. I feel guilty and hate myself more everyday that I lived and my brother didn't. I know it's nothing I could do considering I was still 2 years from being born, but I feel like I've cheated him.
I have tried probably 5 or 6 times to end it, all failing. A few I honestly don't know how. I never was a big religious person, but I believed in God, and would pray every night before I fell asleep. But now, with the sleep paralysis dreams that won't let me sleep. I don't know what to think, part of me thinks he hates me and is pushing me to end it, part of me now doesn't believe he exist. I have been seeing a well known psychiatrist who has tried me on a few different things in the last 3 months. First ones were Prostiq, which didn't help. He also game me klonopin for sleeping which does help me sleep. Now after I saw him last week and he saw my wrist and the cut marks, he has me on a higher dose of klonopin, plus Remeron 30mg at bed. As for "instant" relieve, he gave me Seroquel 50mg. Probably is it takes an hour to kick in which is to late for my issues. I honestly don't know what other medicines may work for me, if any.
I swear I hate to lay all of this out here, but I'm at the end of the line for me. Any suggestions, help, ANYTHING would be helpful and appreciated. I'm just glad I couldn't hurt another person, it hurts me into thinking I even possibly hurt someones feelings, so I could never do physical harm. I am a sweet, funny, big hearted person, just not to myself and I'm needing help. Sorry I wrote so much, but had to explain what I could.
Hello all,
I thought it appropriate to let you know that I have been in touch with Huff and he does now know where his children are.
Other good news is the new meds have really made a difference and although this is heartbreaking, this doesn't have a dark side to it.
He is off and working - and we perhaps won't hear from him in the next day or two.
I didn't want all of you kind people worrying unnecessarily about his absence... Your responses to him have been wonderful and spot on.
be well, Lulu
I thought it appropriate to let you know that I have been in touch with Huff and he does now know where his children are.
Other good news is the new meds have really made a difference and although this is heartbreaking, this doesn't have a dark side to it.
He is off and working - and we perhaps won't hear from him in the next day or two.
I didn't want all of you kind people worrying unnecessarily about his absence... Your responses to him have been wonderful and spot on.
be well, Lulu
Well it's just one thing after another, isn't it? As several people have mentioned, and you have written about yourself, stress can encourage your MS to flare, and you say it has. I'm so sorry that all of this has happened to you and the children.
From your first few posts, your wife's feelings about your MS jumped off the page (screen), so perhaps it isn't too much of a surprise that she's run, although there is a shock factor involved for you, no matter what you might have anticipated. It is traumatizing, in fact, to come home to an empty nest, and the trauma of it creates its own special type of stress.
I don't know what State you are in, but for one spouse to take the children and leave without notifying the other spouse is not considered kidnapping in most states until AFTER a court order concerning child visitation has been put in place. Then, should she take the children in violation of the court order's visitation stipulations, you could push to get some kidnapping charges filed against her.
And right now, without court orders establishing visitation privileges, neither will the police seriously consider this a "missing persons" case. And no, I'm not an attorney, but I have provided training to attorneys and legal advocates across the U.S. under federal grants for my non-profit organization on "Indian law" and how it works with (or against) State family law in cases of domestic violence and sexual assault. I've written articles about these topics for various newsletters printed and distributed with U.S. Department of Justice funding, and I've lived through the ups and downs of family law on both sides of the fence more than once, originally for myself and my children, and then for my husband and his children, and now for several women fleeing a violent relationship with their children.
Now I'm not suggesting you are a violent person. It's obvious you aren't. So please take what I'm saying as merely comments on the options under the law that are available to you right now and if what I've written sounds a little arrogant or condescending in any way, please forgive me. I haven't revealed much about my past history on this forum, and the only reason I would mention it now is to help, if possible, to put a calm focus on your situation because usually, if we know where we are with "the law", we can usually find our way around to where we want to be from there without adding stress and fear and more trauma to our situation. Since MS took over my life, I haven't done the work I once did, so you may want to research the laws in your State to see if anything has changed over the past...say...5 years.
In Texas, there is a group of attorneys who work exclusively for fathers called "Fathers Rights Attorneys". If such a group exists where you are, and IF you reach a place where it is clear that divorce is something you must consider, Father's Rights Attorneys will provide you with advice and counsel on your rights as a parent, and they will assist in preparing your papers. Here in Texas, they will not represent you in court, but will only see you to the gate--that is, they will prepare the papers for you and then you will have to file the papers, have your wife served and finally, represent yourself in court. I do not recommend representing yourself in court. But I do recommend the Father's Rights Attorneys. They typically do not cost much, if anything, to simply discuss your options and they will be on the side of you and your children.
However, Huff, this may be just a separation. She may not be responding to your texts right now, but that may change. She may have just needed a break and a chance to think things through. You can contact your landlord to make certain rent was paid and check your bank account(s) to see what's in them. If you have joint accounts, you may wish to close them before she can take more from them, and then open a new account in your name alone. If you can manage it, don't think about divorce just yet. You'll know when it's time to think about that, or if you need to think about that at all.
She can't keep your children from seeing you, by law, so sooner or later, she's going to have to let you know where she is. You do have parental rights too. You seem to already have a good idea as to where she's gone, so now you can exercise some cool logic to plan your next steps. She may have possession of the children, but since she's removed them to another State and city, you may still retain the upper hand. The courts in the County or Parish in which YOU live will, generally speaking, have JURISDICTION over the case where your children are concerned for a specified period of time, usually 6 months. So you have a little time in which to make some decisions and take some actions. You don't have to do anything immediately, but can calmly examine your options and then choose the option that is best for you and your children.
It will be difficult not to sink into a deeper depression after all of this has happened to you, but perhaps taking some proactive steps, like talking with the Father's Rights Attorneys and making certain your bank accounts are safe, will keep you moving so that your depression doesn't deepen. Huff, just breathe. We'll all get through this together if you will allow us to be a part of what is happening to you. So just breathe and take one step at a time. Then don't forget we're all back here, waiting to hear how you are. jo
From your first few posts, your wife's feelings about your MS jumped off the page (screen), so perhaps it isn't too much of a surprise that she's run, although there is a shock factor involved for you, no matter what you might have anticipated. It is traumatizing, in fact, to come home to an empty nest, and the trauma of it creates its own special type of stress.
I don't know what State you are in, but for one spouse to take the children and leave without notifying the other spouse is not considered kidnapping in most states until AFTER a court order concerning child visitation has been put in place. Then, should she take the children in violation of the court order's visitation stipulations, you could push to get some kidnapping charges filed against her.
And right now, without court orders establishing visitation privileges, neither will the police seriously consider this a "missing persons" case. And no, I'm not an attorney, but I have provided training to attorneys and legal advocates across the U.S. under federal grants for my non-profit organization on "Indian law" and how it works with (or against) State family law in cases of domestic violence and sexual assault. I've written articles about these topics for various newsletters printed and distributed with U.S. Department of Justice funding, and I've lived through the ups and downs of family law on both sides of the fence more than once, originally for myself and my children, and then for my husband and his children, and now for several women fleeing a violent relationship with their children.
Now I'm not suggesting you are a violent person. It's obvious you aren't. So please take what I'm saying as merely comments on the options under the law that are available to you right now and if what I've written sounds a little arrogant or condescending in any way, please forgive me. I haven't revealed much about my past history on this forum, and the only reason I would mention it now is to help, if possible, to put a calm focus on your situation because usually, if we know where we are with "the law", we can usually find our way around to where we want to be from there without adding stress and fear and more trauma to our situation. Since MS took over my life, I haven't done the work I once did, so you may want to research the laws in your State to see if anything has changed over the past...say...5 years.
In Texas, there is a group of attorneys who work exclusively for fathers called "Fathers Rights Attorneys". If such a group exists where you are, and IF you reach a place where it is clear that divorce is something you must consider, Father's Rights Attorneys will provide you with advice and counsel on your rights as a parent, and they will assist in preparing your papers. Here in Texas, they will not represent you in court, but will only see you to the gate--that is, they will prepare the papers for you and then you will have to file the papers, have your wife served and finally, represent yourself in court. I do not recommend representing yourself in court. But I do recommend the Father's Rights Attorneys. They typically do not cost much, if anything, to simply discuss your options and they will be on the side of you and your children.
However, Huff, this may be just a separation. She may not be responding to your texts right now, but that may change. She may have just needed a break and a chance to think things through. You can contact your landlord to make certain rent was paid and check your bank account(s) to see what's in them. If you have joint accounts, you may wish to close them before she can take more from them, and then open a new account in your name alone. If you can manage it, don't think about divorce just yet. You'll know when it's time to think about that, or if you need to think about that at all.
She can't keep your children from seeing you, by law, so sooner or later, she's going to have to let you know where she is. You do have parental rights too. You seem to already have a good idea as to where she's gone, so now you can exercise some cool logic to plan your next steps. She may have possession of the children, but since she's removed them to another State and city, you may still retain the upper hand. The courts in the County or Parish in which YOU live will, generally speaking, have JURISDICTION over the case where your children are concerned for a specified period of time, usually 6 months. So you have a little time in which to make some decisions and take some actions. You don't have to do anything immediately, but can calmly examine your options and then choose the option that is best for you and your children.
It will be difficult not to sink into a deeper depression after all of this has happened to you, but perhaps taking some proactive steps, like talking with the Father's Rights Attorneys and making certain your bank accounts are safe, will keep you moving so that your depression doesn't deepen. Huff, just breathe. We'll all get through this together if you will allow us to be a part of what is happening to you. So just breathe and take one step at a time. Then don't forget we're all back here, waiting to hear how you are. jo
Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you as well, and wondering how you are doing today? My thoughts and prayers are with you at this awful time in your life.
Did you call the police and file a missing persons report? That is a good first step.
Let us know how you are, please.
(((Hugs))),
Michelle
Did you call the police and file a missing persons report? That is a good first step.
Let us know how you are, please.
(((Hugs))),
Michelle
Hi Huff
Well it is Tuesday now and I am just wondering how you are doing. We are all still very much thinking of you and holding you in our thougths and prayers.
With love
Sarah
Well it is Tuesday now and I am just wondering how you are doing. We are all still very much thinking of you and holding you in our thougths and prayers.
With love
Sarah
Hi, I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this too.
Your situation sounds alot like mine now. But, I do know that there are people out there and here who really care about you. Please don't do anything rash. I won't pay off in the end, though we do think it will. We could end up worse than we are now.
As far as sleeping, I have problems too. With sexual abuse, and being raped at 14, I have things come back to me at the weiredest times. But, they put me on Zoplicone and 7.5 and it seems to belp somewhat. Some nights I have to take 2 but, most nights one works .
I could not take the Serquel it reacted with me. So, please, take the advice of the previous people, they seem to be really genuine, and I will add you to my prayer list, and hope for some kind of peace for you.
take care, and know you are not alone,
*HUGS*
Candy
Your situation sounds alot like mine now. But, I do know that there are people out there and here who really care about you. Please don't do anything rash. I won't pay off in the end, though we do think it will. We could end up worse than we are now.
As far as sleeping, I have problems too. With sexual abuse, and being raped at 14, I have things come back to me at the weiredest times. But, they put me on Zoplicone and 7.5 and it seems to belp somewhat. Some nights I have to take 2 but, most nights one works .
I could not take the Serquel it reacted with me. So, please, take the advice of the previous people, they seem to be really genuine, and I will add you to my prayer list, and hope for some kind of peace for you.
take care, and know you are not alone,
*HUGS*
Candy
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