Struggling

[tammy197238]

I don't know why but it seems lately I have been overwhelmed with emotions.  If I am not crying over something stupid...then I'm angry.  I have been pushing everyone away from me.  My poor husband...we have been married for a little over 2 yrs.  My last marriage ended in divorce because of an illness I had.  The neuro diagnosed me with probable guillain barre syndrome.  It started off as numbness in hands and feet and moved up to my stomach and also weakness in legs.  Then one day while driving home my vision went double.  I went to ER and they admitted me into hospital 2 days later I wasnt able to hold my weight.  I got out of bed to brush my teeth and fell straight to floor and couldn't get up.  MRI of brain and spine showed nothing...lumbar puncture showed elevated protein but nothing else abnormal.  I had a nerve biopsy which showed nerve demylination...I recovered fully but it took about a year.  My husband and I drifted apart quickly...I dont think he knew what to do with a 3yr old, a 6 month old and a wife they couldnt take care of herself and had to go to rehab to be able to walk again.  We ended up divorcing.    I  find myself getting angry at my husband now because even though the neuro said he thought the first issue was guillain barre and not MS related...I can envision myself like that again and it scares the crap out of me...I felt so worthless.  I find myself thinking why should I let him close because he will probably end up leaving too when things get rougher.  I shouldnt think that way but I cant stop myself.  I got so mad at him last night because he threw away the post card for vacation bible school and I couldn't remember what time to pick up my 8 yr old.  He said it was the same time as the past 2 nights and I said well I need the visual reminder because I'm so stupid and dumb that I can't remember anything.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone about how I'm tired or how I feel dizzy all the time, how its hard to focus or my vision goes crazy sometimes or how I'm sad and scared.  I don't want them to see me as a crybaby or weak or bothersome.  Ugggghhhh I feel like I'm in a whirlwind.  I know I'm over analyzing everyone and everything but cant seem to stop.

[tammy197238]

I did type NMSS into search engine and found the site and it was very informative. I did read alot of things I didn't know.  I did talk to my husband and he assured me he wasn't going anywhere and would never think of it no matter what.  I feel bad because I know I have been taking a great deal of my frustrtions out on him.  
Kelli ...I started on Avonex approximately 10 wks ago?  I pretty much started after the IVSM and prednisone treatment.  Its an IM injection and the needle seems so long and thick...I cant bring myself to stab myself so my husband does it and he is great with it.
Anyway, Lu lu and kelli thanks for responding to my post.  It always makes me feel better to come here and have someone who knows exactly how you feel and understands.  I really dont think my coworkers or family get it...or like I said earlier I dont give them a chance to.  

[kel1lost]

  Hi, I'm Kelli and I was also diagnosed with RRMS in May of this yr.  I go through the same things that you were talking about.  I hope I can get all this out right because I'm in a bit of cog fog.  

I go through the depression, just pure sadness and crying over every scared thought in my head, then I get mad then I cry more for nothing.  It has gotton much easier and I feel less stressed since I found this forum.  These people mean so much to me.  

I am really mean to my boyfriend and I don't know why.  Then I feel so bad it I feel like I am constantly telling him " I'm sorry"  But I really am sorry.  It's just hard for other people w/o this MS going on in their lives to understand how we feel.  It's so hard to explain.  

But seriously, I have started feeling better.  My PCP put me on Wellbutron (sp) for my depression and colonopin for my anxiety.  I would never thought medications would help me with these feelings I get.  But it has actually helped me very much.  

I am a better mother to my two lil boys 3yrs and 5yrs.  I just feel better about myself now.  I no longer have the same negative thots about everything anymore.  We need to think positive as much as we can.  It really does help.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  So glad that you found this forum.  It will truly make your heart feel better.  If you don't mind me asking, are you taking any DMD's or anything like that?

I have been taking Rebif about a month now, and that is another thing that is making me feel so much better about this MS.  You can make it through this!!!  I'm also here anytime you need to talk, ok.

Hugs & prayers,
Kelli

[Lulu54]

Tammy, you are in a whirlwind right now and your fears and anger make a lot of sense to me.  I'm wondering if you can talk to your husband about how you feel and your concerns.  That would be a difficult conversation to have, because it might sound to him like you're accusing him of desertion, when he is still there with you.

The NMSS has resources to help discussions with partners and perhaps you can contact them for help.

I'm sorry you have been diagnosed with MS, and the best thing you can do is learn more about this disease.  The more educated you are, the less MyStery and fear there is.  Knowledge really is power and I hope you can regain some power; it might help with your anger and fears.

Please rant and ramble here all you want - you have to let it go somewhere.

best, Lulu

[tammy197238]

I'm sorry.  I rambled adn wasnt very clear.  I was diagnosed with ms in may this year.  I don't know if everything is just coming to the surface now and I' m letting it all out of if im going crazy.  Thanks for your response.  I just feel like I noone else can relate and I don't know what I'm really looking for but just feel safer ramblign here.
Thanks for your prayers

[grannyhotwheels]

Hi Tammy,
I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this... Maybe you should see your doctor and talk to him/her about it... If you don't feel comfortable with your doctor then find another one that you can talk to...

I'm sorry that I can't be of any good help to you but I can certainly listen and give you my shoulder for as long as you need it... I go through bought of depression myself as I'm sure most people that go through the things we do get depressed too...

Knowing there is something wrong with yourself but unable to get a diagnosis is enough to depress anyone... I went through several years before being diagnosed with MS and it was the hardest time of my life...

Hopefully someone will be able to give you some advice you can use but until then I'm here for you... Just let me know how I can help...

I'll be praying,
Carol