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Am I an in denial lesbian or is it HOCD?

I am really confused lately and I don't know if I am an in denial lesbian or if it is HOCD.

Last fall, I had a lesbian erotic dream. I didn't enjoy it in my dream and when I woke up, all I could think of was the idea of boobs suffocating me unpleasantly. For a week or two after that, I was in a panic thinking that I was a lesbian in denial. I was constantly checking out women and lost total interest in men. The feelings went away ( or I suppressed them) and I felt normal. For the past two months, I have been having the same problem. I am constantly checking out girls, thinking that I am attracted to them and have lost interest in men. I have always had crushes on guys. My first crush when I was little was when I was three years old and he was a boy. I had crushes on boys in elementary school and middle school but I have always been very shy and secretive about them. I remember thinking that I had a crush on my best friend, a girl, when I was like 8 but the feeling passed after a day or two. I have always been very picky and I mean really picky about the guys that I like and I can almost always tell when a girl is attractive. My friends will say, "Wow, he is so cute" and I will say, "Really? I guess he's okay.." I have always had strong crushes on male celebrities and "lady crushes" on female celebrities but they were never sexual ( that I knew of). I have been taking quizzes, checking out girls and testing myself, asking myself if I am gay constantly and wondering why I can't find men attractive anymore. If I get horny, on the rare occasion, I masturbate to male porn. I have tried to watch women, and lesbian porn but it doesn't seem to appeal to me as much as the male porn does. I feel like I am just realizing that women have boobs and vaginas and have suddenly become attracted to them. I get very anxious around all women. I think about past experiences with female friends and acquaintances and I question whether I was attracted to them or not. I wake up thinking about it, go to sleep thinking about it and it is driving me crazy. I have had a boyfriend for the past 6 years but most of it has been long distance. I am terrified that I will not be attracted to him when I see him this summer. I have had OCD since I was very young and it got severe about 5 years ago. I have been on and off meds, gone to a therapist, etc. I have been convinced that I was suffering from terminal illnesses, caused myself extreme swelling in certain areas, etc due to my anxiety. I have read about "false attractions" and I am wondering if that is what I am experiencing but if that is what it is, then it feels so real. Its so weird. I watched a show with one of my male crushes on it and I saw him and I was questioning myself.. "Do you still like him? Why isn't he doing it for you?" and I WANTED to find him attractive but I couldn't. I have only had one boyfriend my entire life but I have also had terrible self esteem so I always assumed that was the reason.. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I have always shown signs of being gay such as rarely having crushes, enjoying foreplay more than actual sex, etc. I have read so many articles and it sounds like me but I have also read that checking articles and overthinking past friendships and encounters is a sign of HOCD but I can't help but freak out when the signs all point to me being a lesbian. Sometimes I have weird thoughts that I might even be okay with being a lesbian but then I freak out because I never wanted that before!! The other day, I randomly thought about my boyfriend's body and saw a picture of that same male crush and had STRAIGHT thoughts for about 5 minutes. I felt so good and normal but it only lasted 5 minutes. What is going on with me? Am I an in denial lesbian??

P.S. I have not had my period the past two months, which has happened because of anxiety before but could that cause a hormonal imbalance or something that is causing these weird feelings?

P.P.S. I have always been very accepting of the LGBT community.
6 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  You have been diagnosed with OCD.  Irrational thinking is something you do and this is just one more irrational thought.  Actually, it is a thought that a lot of people with OCD have had, me included.  You mentioned that you have been on meds and off meds.  Did you learn CBT?  What meds did you take and did they help?  
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Also, testing is bad.  Stop the cycle of testing because it just makes the thought last longer.  The more you give into the fear, the longer the thought is going to stay around.  Let me know if you learned CBT.  
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Also, testing is bad.  Stop the cycle of testing because it just makes the thought last longer.  The more you give into the fear, the longer the thought is going to stay around.  Let me know if you learned CBT.  
Avatar universal
No, what is CBT?
Avatar universal
I have since looked into CBT. I didn't realize that it was the acronym for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Psychologists didn't really work with me because usually, I will tell anyone anything they want to know about me.

You said you have thought about this before? It is so consuming right now and I am trying to get through it. I have actually tried accepting the possibility of being gay, and I would be okay with that if only I knew whether the feelings were real or not because I have always been straight.. with the occasional extreme admiration for a small selection of women but by no means, a sexual attraction.
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Honestly, I don't think you are gay.  Here is an interesting read from the perspective of a gay guy

http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

I think whether we are gay or not is based in our genetics.  We don't wake up one day and become gay.  I think we are born that way or we aren't.  Think for a second about how your body reacts to a guy.  When you see a good looking guy, do you have to think about it or does your body just react?  I'm sure the answer is it just reacts.  It does this because you are hard-wired to be heterosexual.  No amount of looking at women is going to make you something you are not.  Looking at women for comparison is all totally normal.  Looking at women and having an all out war with your brain about whether you are attracted to her is a sign of OCD.  AND you already have OCD tendencies.  So this is just one more thing in a long line of thoughts you are going to have in your lifetime.  If you have ruled out medication, then you absolutely need to learn CBT.  Actually both are a really powerful combination but CBT is a must in any case.  

The reality is is right now you stood up and stop fighting and said "I'm gay" would you want to run out and get a girlfriend and be intimate with her?  If the answer is no, then you cannot possibly be gay.  
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