Alright. So Im gonna go straight to the point. Im 17 and I think I suffer from HOCD. My entire life Ive been attracted to women, Ive had crushes on girls ever since I was young and the only sex I want to marry, spend my life with is a woman. But for about 3 months out of nowhere I started to get gay thoughts like "Am I gay?" "Does that guy turn me on?". I know Im straight, Ive always believed Im straight, but when i masturbate I usually only watch lesbians, I prefer two girls rather than having a guy in the video. I tried looking at pictures of two men kissing but I gagged (no offence), but today I decided to experiment, I started to watch a girl pleasuring herself and got started but I switched to gay porn just to see, I ended up ejaculating but I felt terrible after, I felt ashamed and felt sick. Recently Ive been noticing more guys as attractive, never sexually but if i see a good looking dude Ill think to myself "Hes good looking" never "hot" or "sexy", but when I look at women its usually "hot" and "sexy". Ill also add when I was around 7-9 I used to play with dolls with my cousin who was a girl and she was 3 years younger, I was never and still am not into going outside riding bikes or playing sports, I enjoy sports, I love football and I will play with friends but Ive never really been the outside kinda person I like to play video games and go on the computer. Anyway, I used to play with dolls with her because I didnt wanna go out and ride bikes with her brother, I had WWE figures so I usually played with them and she had the dolls but sometimes I would play with her doll, never really dressed them up and stuff just played with them. But Im starting to think maybe thats because Ive always been a creative person, I like to make up stories and scenarios, I enjoy writting scripts so maybe thats why I enjoyed playing with dolls and figures? Also I enjoyed to dress up in costumes like Spider-Man ect to play. But although I was sorta feminine in that type of way, my crushes as a kid were always girls, I remember fancying Sarah Michelle Geller as Daphne in the Scooby Doo movie, or the pink power ranger.
But anyway, Im still a virgin but mainly because Im not really confident when it comes to talking to girls. I also have a friend in college who is straight but he acts gay, like he'll touch me on my thigh which I immediately shove away, or he will slap the other guys including myself's butt which I also hate, Ill swat his hand away immediately. But this HOCD thing is getting worse, Ill start to get concious about my walk, Ill try to walk "hard", like I wont sway my hands which I dont do anyway but Ill make sure I dont. Also when I do have sexual dreams with girls, sometimes my brain will replace the girl with a guy to mess with me, but i immediately stop thinking about it and Ill get a hot flush and a stomach ache.
I will admit, the vagina doesnt completely turn me on, Im more of a boobs and *** guy myself, although the vagina doesnt gross me out at all, I dont go crazy over it if you understand what I mean? Like, you hear some guys absolutely obssessed with it, but myself although it doesnt turn me off if you see it in porn, I dont go nuts over it like its the best thing ever, I much prefer a girl with a great *** and chest and a pretty face. But maybe thats because Im a virgin and havent really seen a vagina in real life.
Anyway, thats enough rambling, I think Ive explained myself pretty well, I hope this is just HOCD because I really dont want to be gay, I just dont want to be, I think homosexuality is wrong (no offence) and people should go with the opposite sex.
Thank you for reading!