I want to share my story and ask about your opinion. I am 21 years old, female, and I've never been in an relationship, I am still a virgin. After all, I've always felt attracted to men. Always loved them, crazy about boys in mid-teens. My first crush was a guy who is 2 years older than me. I was about 13 and he thought I was just some random and crazy kid. (I was) When he went to high school I was crying like two days, because I was never going to see him again. Later of course I crushed on guys. I was in love with some boy band guys and actors, musicians etc. I've never crushed on girls. I've always considered them as my friends but not lovers.
I am a very tolerant person. I have no prejudice toward gay people. But for a week I feel some anxiety. But now it's is no longer anxiety but just a tragedy. I've watched on youtube some girl making "coming out" video. I've paniced and the thought came: "What if I'm lesbian?" It was irrational. I've never liked girls in that way. I always was very girly girl. I've dreamed about Prince Charming like thousand times, imagined how my sex life would be like, though I've waited for the "right" man.
I must to admit, that I'm very confused with myself. Right now all I can think about is me being gay. And it's just awful feeling. I've never wanted that and now that thought just pops up every minute in my head and won't go away. I don't want to be with girls, but my mind says that's the only way out and it's just making me sick. Before judging you have to understand, that I loved men admiring me. I was doing everything to make me attractive (lol). When I met some guy eyes in the bar I was thinking how to make him want me. And I wanted men wanting me. (Crazy I know) Reading novels I've imagined myself as woman in this book etc.
And now the hardest part. (The hardest to admit, though i'ts nothing weird about that). I've watched porn. Always straight porn (Yeah sometimes with two man). I've never watched lesbian porn because I didn't needed to. I liked watching guys and it was veru arousal. I've imagined myself having that sex with a guy.
So I am struggling with this HOCD (i think) and am super tired. I don't know what to think because I didn't have sexual enounters in my life, but i've always felt straight my entire life. And I've never questioned it. It was just a part of me and I wasn't thinking about it even. 21 years must mean something right? Because now my mind tells me "You're gay just admit it and go live a happy gay life". But I don't want to. At first I was ashamed, disgusted but the thoughts about becoming suddenly gay but now I'm just tired, I no longer think. I'm just tired and I want it go away, but it doesn't.
I can't even go to the grocery shop anymore, because now every woman feels attractive and I can't think straight. Deep inside me (when I cool down - very very rarely) I know I'm not a lesbian, because of my past and that people, who now me and tell me I'm not and I just got "that feeling of being heterosexual". I've always dreamed of family, which is a husband, wife and kids and a dog. But when my anxiety comes to me again (over and over) I feel like my whole life is a lie, like I have nothing to do anymore on this world. A big depression, because I would love to being with some man, who loves me and I love him, I really do want that. But this just took my happiness.
I no longer watch porn, because I feel so depressed, that I can't even sexual arouse. I'm scared that I won't find a man with my anxiety. When I imagine life with another woman just gives me anxiety and i feel depressed.
So my questions are:
- Is it HOCD?
- Is this even possible that a woman, 21 years old, who never even liked girls in that way, imagined herself at man's side her whole life, could suddenly turn gay? Yuck.................!
- I'm even more scared because I was crazy over boys and now I can't even think about them because my mind tells me "You're gay, duh!" Is it possible? Because deep down I still imagine myself a life with a man. And I want to have straight sex, not the lesbian.
Please help me I can't think anymore. I feel so anxious........ I'm sorry that the story is so long. I hope somebody would read this. And I'm sorry for my English, I am from Poland.