Avatar universal

Starting to feel convinced I'm gay/bi tho I fear/dont want it. Help

Hello again. I'm a 151/2 year old female and I've posted on here before about HOCD and it's gotten so much worse. It's been so intense and so constant that I'm starting to feel convinced that I could actually be gay or at the very least bi. I know I still have some attraction for guys but I'm afraid that I'll somehow become fully attracted to girls and become gay. I know for a fact I never have been before this summer. I've been straight for 151/2 years. Had several boy crushes, kissed a guy twice, dated a couple guys and dreamed of meeting that perfect man someday and having a family of my own. But now I'm worried that will never happen and my future will be filled with females instead. I can honesty say that there is a small part if me not touched by doubt that doesn't want to be gay or bi. I would like to think that I can still be happy with guys. But I'm afraid that if I actually decide to go out with a guy that it will only be forced, not out of attraction, because I'm trying to convince my mind I'm still into guys and only guys. But even now I have guy crushes and I'm not disgusted or disturbed or uncomfortable with thinking about being intimate with guys. To me that's normal and before all this it's all I've ever wanted, I was just too shy to try harder and I'm definitely not the prettiest one out there but I do alright I think. But every time it try to think about a guy or me and a guy it's taken over and replaced by images of girls instead like my mind is saying you can do that with girls to, and you know you want to. But even now I can't help but feel a little uncomfortable by that. It always felt natural and right to crush around on guys and daydream about them, and it never bothered me to, it still doesn't but now I'm afraid it will all become forced because of this doubt that's getting to me. This has totally and completely wrecked my life and I don't even know if I truly have HOCD or if it's denial. I can't wen find out for sure because right now we don't have the money to pay for me to go see a counselor or psychiatrist. Plus I'm afraid they're just gonna tell me it's not HOCD im just in denial. I've constantly tried reassuring myself through looking up things on the internet, talking with a couple friends, my parents and grandmother, taking quizzes and tests online and joining this forum and posting multiple posts.  But it's never enough. I'm also constantly telling myself either in my head or under my breath "I'm straight I'm straight I'm straight I'm straight I'm straight" over and over again and it could be or hours I do it. I get disgusted we when I think about doing stuff with girls but what if that's forces, but I just act on instinct and automatically shy away from those thoughts naturally I mean it doesn't feel forced. I don't like to think I enjoy them if I let them continue on. I just don't know what to do and if I have HOCD or I'm in denial or if something else is wrong with me or maybe nothing at all. But I do know it's causing me lots of pain, suffering, stress, lack of exercise and sleep and is now effecting me academically-and I definitely can't afford that. This is just a cruel messed up world we live in and I'm even beginning to think our minds are just as cruel to us, as well as life it's self.
11 Responses
9784446 tn?1421337046
its hocd at its worst, i think medication could be a great help for u, but if u cant afford it and a pychologist also then u should start doing cbt on ur own atleast , u can purchase books like

1)overcoming obsessive thoughts by david a clark and christine purdon, this book is specially designed for pure o sufferers like u and me also
2)brainlock this book is also considered to be very good book for ocd and is relatively cheaper

some things which i can suggest is
1)dont argue with ocd, just leave these thoughts
2)dont avoid anythings like any gay person, girls or anything which triggers
3)prepare ur self mentally for a battle with ocd
4)u can try meditation and breathing techniques , they will calm ur mind
5)write ur all thoughts, what d u think about them, what are their triggers
6)which thoughts cause most anxiety

in exposure exercises there are two types of exposures
1) imaginal
2)in vivo( in real)

in imaginal exposure u will imagine that u r a gay, u like girls, u r sexually attracted towards them, may be u  r experiencing images of sex with girls , u have to imagine them.

in real exposure u have to spent a lot of time with girls, u have to read about gays, u have to watch lesbian photos, u have to watch lesbian porn also

do these exercises in increasing order of anxiety means thing which give least anxiety do them first . do every exercise atleast for a week daily, move to the next exercise when u feel little anxiety in last exercise.

every day do exercise for 45 min - 1hour

dont do any compulsive behaviour
1)like getting reassurance from others that i am not gay
2)dont give reassurance to urself that i am not a gay
3)dont try to supress ur thoughts, dont try to control ur mind, dont do thought replacement
4)dont do checking like whether ur sexually aroused seeing a girl
I'm a female and think that I have HOCD too. Previously before I had this condition I would compare myself to other women and scrutinize the looks of those girls who would be considered pretty or beautiful by social standards. Before HOCD I never questioned the fact that I am straight, moreover I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for eight years. Never before have I ever doubted my love and sexual attraction for him. With HOCD I can't even watch TV because its like I've become hyperaware of every woman. Every time I see a girl, I get constant buzzing questions in my mind like, 'Isn't she pretty?' Are you attracted to her? Do you want to kiss her? OMG are you gay? No you're not? Are you sure? Its so painful and mentally exhausting. I have to imagine myself with every woman my mind focuses on and its sickening, I literally start shivering and clenching my fists, I get nauseous. When this happens in public, people think that I'm having seizures. I'm so scared and so confused. I have to constantly read articles on being gay or bi and feel even more depressed. My relationship is also being negatively impacted because of this. Being with a woman doesn't seem natural to me. I can't practice CBT because everytime I picture myself with a woman I can't stop myself from shuddering. What should I do?
Also I don't have to check or ask myself if I'm attracted to guys, I just know that I am and it makes me feel happy and flirty and I want them to notice me unlike when my mind is questioning if I like a woman. Its painful, uncomfortable and I neither want to notice her nor have her notice me.
Avatar universal
But what if by exposing myself I actually end up liking what I'm exposed to. What If I end up enjoying it instead of using it to build anxiety so I no longer have fear of it. I don't want to become gay but what if I end up becoming gay anyway. I don't want to enjoy exposure, and I've worked so hard to keep myself from exposure for fear of enjoying it or becoming very uncomfortable and having intense disturbing images and thoughts. I'm afraid my mind will convince me anyway and I'll become gay or even bi. How are you sure it's HOCD, what if it's not? What if being exposed actually makes me become gay or bi? Is it even possible to just become gay? I am not bothered by thinking about being with a guy in anyway, I'm not disturbed or grossed out, does that mean anything?
9784446 tn?1421337046
u cant become gay by getting exposed to it, this is hocd because u r doubting heavily on urself and these thoughts r creating anxiety and u are not liking these thoughts also. gay people dont experience anxiety over these thoughts, they dont doubt on their own that they are gay or not.

ur sexual orientation is based on ur genes, but this reassurance will not relieve u believe me its hocd, there are two treatments for ocd cbt and medication

u have to start treatment , ocd will not go on its own,
Avatar universal
Plus. Do I have to watch porn? Lesbian porn at that? That just sounds so disturbing... So you're born with your sexuality? Nothing can change it, not even your environment? This all started after I saw a video that would help me masturbate but in the video was a women but I would look away from the parts that made me uncomfortable and I'd feel ashamed for watching it but then when I'm actually masurbating I'm thinking of guys. Also, just last year I met someone, a girl, and she became my "friend" but that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, she ruined me and opened the door to the world of gays/bi's and I was very uncomfortable with the way he went about it and the way she would touch me or act around me. Me and my friends realized she most likely had a crush on me, you could just tell, (but this was after we found out she said she was bi then lesbian) and I'm sorry but that made me very uncomfortable because there were times when I thought she'd try and make a move on me but I didn't want to confront her how I felt because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Do you think she could be part of the reason for the cause of this? Never before have I shown any interest in girls, it's always been guys and I don't want at to change no matter how much my min try's to convince me otherwise. Before I met this girl I was fine. I started having a little doubt then but didn't bother with it and let it go, then during the start of summer when I saw that video I all of a sudden said to myself "am I gay for watching this" "am I enjoying it"  "what does this mean" even though I was uncomfortable watching it like I said earlier. But how could little things like that cause such big problems in me thinking I'm not straight, how am I so convinced I could enjoy being with a girl when I don't want to be? I'm afraid I won't like guys anymore and that I can never be happy with one again.
9784446 tn?1421337046
dont try reasoning with ocd, it will come with another loop holes, i am myself was feard from obsessive thoughts that i would harm myself for no reason, basically these  thoughts come again and again , due to faulty brain chemistry, when these come into a non ocd person they dont feel anxiety so high, therefore they ignore it easily, but for ocd person these thoughts come with high anxiety, so we give extra attention to these thoughts and start reasoning with them.

the solution for every type of ocd is cbt+medication.
for watching lesbian porn , its a exposure exercise, it depends on u which thing triggers ur obsession, these exercises are just suggestions by me for self help, one to one session with a therapist would be best

i have myself read articles about persons mutilating themselves in worst ways, watched images of them, the anxiety increases first but then it falls down. i suggested lesbian porn, because i have read experience of a hocd sufferer and his exposure included watching gay porn.

the best way is for one week u have to just monitor  obsessive thoughts. u have to write 3 thoughts per day 1 in morning,noon, and evening. do this for 7 days
make a diary to write these thoughts. also note down the triggers and anxiety level it caused ( out of 100).like when u read some gay related news in newspaper and ur thoughts will start striking, in exposure exercises u have to practice all these triggers.

before moving to exposure for 1 week u have to note down compulsive and avoidance behaviour u r doing in response to these thoughts, after 1 week u  
u will have list of all ur avoidance and compulsive behavior. the best method to deal with ocd thoughts is to let them pass without any arguing ,any reasoning , no praying nothing at all

when u knw that ur not doing any compulsive behaviour u can move to exposure part

ur high level of anxiety is searching for answers to these thoughts, like ur reviewing past experiences, ur doubting on urself etc. these things r common with ocd . so dont feel depressed, stop doubting and reasoning and start getting treatment

i have  myself read overcoming obsessive thoughts by david a clark and christine purdon, this book is specially designed for pure o sufferers like u and me also , read every line of this book, do every exercises in this book, u will not regret,please try it
1699033 tn?1514113133
You have gotten good advice on several of your posts.  Now is the time to act...not write another post so please do yourself a favor and heed the advice you have been given.  We wish you the best and know that if you seek professional help you will be all the better for it.  Take care.  
Avatar universal
You're right, I know you are. I'm just afraid it will go to show this could possibly not be HOCD and that I'm in denial or that it simply wont work and will ultimately make this worse somehow.
Avatar universal
And thank you for all the advice and all the help. But I guess the only way that will go to show my appreciation for your help is to actually use the advice given. So I'll try my best, I just hope everything turns out the way I want it. Again thankyou.
Avatar universal
I have the exact same thing. It causes me so much pain and stress, and my mind is trying to convince me I am and I just haven't known it or been in denial. I have never been interested in girls, now paranoid I get aroused by girls and I have a crush on my friend. I don't know how to stop this and I can't get these lesbian thoughts out of my head. I've always known I want to be with men and get married and start a family, but my head is trying to convince me that I can't have that anymore. Please help
Avatar universal
I can say the same thing about myself, i dont know what im going through i really do hope its hocd but everytime i think of a girl more and more its not as bad. i've always had crushed and been into boys now im doubting everything! I'm super conscious when im around my girl friends because im scared im gonna crush on them and i really dont want to.
Avatar universal
I am a man, but have experienced the exact same problem you're experiencing in my life, only in relation to men, of coarse, for several years, and today I have completely overcome my problem with insecurity about my sexual attraction, though I think I actually went much further toward actually developing real homosexual attraction than you in the process, so you should have little to worry about in the big picture. If I could get back to being a fully functioning, and content, heterosexual man, in both identity and attraction, from where I've been, you should be just fine. I too have OCD, and I am not a professional counselor, only speaking from personal experience, so I am in no position to promise that what I will tell you will help you in any way, I can only tell you that it helped me and offer it in hope that it might help you as well, though it may conflict with much of the other information you've received on this website and in the past, and I certainly don't negate the value of exposure and response prevention therapy, that helped me too, but with other obsessions, not this one. With regard to this particular obsession, what helped me most was merely the acquisition of a new perspective about my identity and sexuality. It came as I learned, grew interested in, and began to research the increasingly recognized phenomenon of human sexual fluidity, and began reading the stories and perspectives of those who had actually experienced it to a significant degree. I came to realize that I had experienced it myself to a certain degree, and that that was completely natural and normal. Most importantly, I came to understand that human identity is something completely independent from human sexuality, a realization that our culture does more than it's fair share to discourage people from making, unfortunately. My obsession with my sexual attraction began much the same way as yours. Even though I was only diagnosed with OCD in my late teens, I can recall symptoms of it going back almost as far as I can remember, and my obsession with my sexual attraction began in my early teens. It was when I was first exposed to erotic cinematography, and as a teenage boy, took a particular interest to it immediately. As a young teen I had a strong sense of the association between deviance and eroticism that exists in porn culture, and western culture in general, so I was drawn toward the significant homoerotic element of pornsites. It was only lesbianism then, but it was enough to get me extremely curious about what it was like to be gay, and, as a compulsive, it wasn't long before I was thinking about it night and day, to the point of torture. I wanted to be gay, but as anyone who has ever tried to influence their sexual attraction knows, it isn't easy, but as anyone who has ever tried to the point of literal willingness to die and bear any pain imaginable but never quite, like a compulsive, like me, knows, just as well, it also isn't impossible to some extant, despite what anyone thinks, and it took no significant extent to get the ball rolling for me, faster than I could control. I failed to coax the slightest erotic attraction toward a male for years, then one day I didn't. I don't know if I did something differently in that moment, or if it was the result of years of accumulated effort, but something clicked, that never clicked before, and I coaxed the slightest, and I do mean slightest, erotic attraction toward a man in my mind, and that was a defining moment in my life, because it never took as much effort again, to this day. The very next moment after I felt my first attraction toward a man I was mortified. Even though I had wanted it, I wasn't prepared for the consequences of actually getting it, and I was horrified. So then I tried it again to prove to myself that it was a flop, and sure enough, even though it had never worked before, it wasn't, and was just as easy, so I kept trying it and it kept getting easier and easier, and not only that, but the attraction kept getting stronger and stronger. There would come a day when I could and did peak just imagining  sexual relation with a man, so it definitely wasn't all just me convincing myself that something that wasn't really happening was happening.  Even though I knew there was a time I was only attracted to women, and now I was far more attracted to men, I started to genuinely believe I was gay, and had always been gay, and just didn't know it, and that's why I was attracted to women before, as absurd as that sounds, and is, because almost everything I had ever heard about human sexuality, including from experts, told me that human sexuality was inherent, and that nothing could be done to change it one way or the other, so, since I was effectively gay then, the only reasonable conclusion I could draw was that I had always been gay, even though I hadn't. That changed when I first learned of sexual fluidity, and the fact that people's sexual attraction can change from time to time and is not fixed in stone. I realized that people aren't intrinsically attached to their attractions, they're just there, for people to identify more or less with, and appease more or less. They're not you, and you certainly don't have to give in to them to be happy, you wouldn't even if they were you. That alone relieved my tension about my attraction so much that I stopped trying not to think about it as much, and then I actually stopped thinking about it as much, and the less I thought about it the more time I spent thinking about other things, like women, and noticing when I was attracted to them, which caused me to spend more time thinking about them and noticing it, which caused be to be more attracted to them, and slowly the balance altered. I never lost the ability to be attracted to men, I just spend a lot less time being attracted to them than I spend being attracted to women now, because I'm no longer spending as much time thinking about not thinking about being attracted to men, which is thinking about being attracted to men, and only conjures whatever attraction there may be. Spending more time being attracted to the opposite sex than the same one has made the opposite sex seem more attractive to me and the same one less, which reinforces the trend. In time I came to find women more attractive than men again. No one can convince me that sexual attraction is genetic, and that it can't change, because it happened to me, and more scientists are beginning to agree, but that isn't bad news for us, it's great news. If sexual attraction can change one way then it can also change the other, but, more importantly, it means we are not our sexual attraction whatever it may be, we are something deeper, something more permanent, something composed of our values, something we have far more control over than we do over our sexual attraction. Everyone has the ability to be attracted to the same sex, and vice versa, whether or not they admit it, or even know it, and it isn't who you, or they, are anyway, unless you invite it into your identity, so don't worry about it, let it be, and the rest just might take care of itself, like it did with me. Let me know if you find this helpful. I hope you do.
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