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Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community
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Avatar universal

fear im in denial, or is it hocd

so i just turned 16, and im having a fear of being or becoming gay constantly, i think about what if im gay like very five minutes of the day and its annoying. i feel like im gay because sometimes i like to look at pics of shirtless celebrities and men (never in a romantic way or sexual way) i think about what they look like having sex with a girl most of the time. i have been looking at like every guy this way lately. i have always liked girls romantically and sexually, but now i feel like im loosing interest because of my stress. at shcool, most of y friends are girls so i feel like i cant look at them sexually, because i feel like its rude. when i look at guys in my school i wonder what they look like naked, i DONT imagine them having sex with me, i have dont that before and masturbated to the thoughts and it just doesn't feel right, when i think about a guy who looks better than be screwing a girl, or me screwing a girl i find those thoughts enjoyable. every time i masturbate guy pop into my head and invade my straight thoughts, just before i ejaculate gay thoughts pop in my head, i feel like i might act on these thoughts later on. in school i look at most guys and get sexual thoughts about me doing it with them, these are not thoughts i like, i hate them and want them gone, there not pleasurable at all. i cummed to a gay thought once and i freaked out, and thought that must mean im gay, i even asked my parents what they think i am and they said gay people dont get upset about the thoughts or think about it constantly, ive been driving myself and them crazy. do i sound gay, i really dont want to hear i am, or u will know in the future.
and i keep having bad thoughts of me with a husband in the future and i dont want a husband or a wife, but i dont want a husband or a boyfriend
and i used to look up pics of ****s, idk y, i was 13 when i did that but i never looked at that becuase i wanted to do it with them, i just did cuz i was curious i guess, i dont do that anymore, but i look at pics of naked men a women, i get erect for women really quick, but not men, i have gotten erect for men a few time though which make me think im gay, again i dont want to hear ur gay or wait it out
i constantly test my self during masturbation, and i have wondered what it would look like if i gave a guy a **, and i didnt like that thought but it keeps coming back
im pretty sure i have hocd, i cant really picture myself gay, and i think sex with a man is gross
and i have always known i was was straight until now, i am positive gay people like there thoughts i dont, i have always wanted a girlfriend i have liked this one girl for 4 years. but i feel like im in denial, constantly and its getting annoying i also dont want to here just deal with it ur gay and u know it, the thing is being gay isnt a life style for mean i dont even no what i am anymore, i have only thought about girls never guys, until a few months ago and i dont want these thoughts. i tried asking this question on yahoo, and they said i was curious, hormones, i was bi sexual or i was gay, so i came here for a better answer cuz i think i have hocd
12 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Please read what I just wrote under soverign3's question above yours.  Also here is an interesting artical that was mentioned here by 57Carol.  I read it and it really makes a lot of sense and I think it will help you.

http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

If you have any further questions, let me know.  
Avatar universal
oh and now im starting to feel like sometime i like the thoughts but i dont, can hocd make you think you like something when u really dont, the thing that bothers me the most is that i have gotten erect to shirtless guys before and i like looking at them, i have researched some celebrities shirtless, and then i picture them doing it with a girl never me. i like looking at naked women to though.
Avatar universal
but i still have a problem, i feel like im starting to like the thoughts and i dont a want to. i got erect to a gay thought today, and then i thought about girls and i didnt get erect. does this mean im gay, because i dont feel gay or straight anyomore, i dont know what i am anymore, i thought with hocd u no ur straight, i dont know what i am now, does this mean i actually am gay
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Let me ask you this....if you said out loud right now "I'm gay" would you then want to run out and find a boyfriend and be intimate with him?  If the answer is no, then how could you possible be gay?  You have also written "I have always know I am straight until now."  Our bodies are preprogrammed to be attracted to certain people.  The programming doesn't change.  Did you read the article?  
Avatar universal
My answer to ur question is no I wouldnt say I'm gay. I don't know what I am really anymore. Y do I keep having these gay thoughts. I feel like I am starting to like them and I don't want to      
Avatar universal
My answer to ur question is no I wouldnt say I'm gay. I don't know what I am really anymore. Y do I keep having these gay thoughts. I feel like I am starting to like them and I don't want to      
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
Did you read the article?
Avatar universal
Yep. I had a similar obsession when I was kid. There is such a 'stigma' around being gay I thought it would be the worst thing in the world and feared it terribly. When you have OCD, it's easy to start develop an obsession over it.

You need to get cognitive behavioral therapy along with exposure therapy to show you that even if you WERE gay (which I imagine you are not) it is not a scary thing. The fear of it is what is driving obsession.
Avatar universal
i read the artical and i am still confused, still not sure if im in denial or if i have hocd. i feel like if i go for therapy they will get rid of my hocd and i will become gay.
Avatar universal
and i asked this question on yahoo and some said that i am gay, and now im like freaking out. she said most gay people get like this and then realize there gay, i dont want that to be me.
1699033 tn?1514113133
COMMUNITY LEADER
That is not how therapy works.  You cannot become gay...like I said you either are or you are not.  The person who said you are gay does not have any idea what it is like to suffer from OCD.  Try to get yourself into therapy because you care just going in circles and there is no end in sight.  You need to talk to a therapist, get diagnosed, and then work on a treatment plan.  Look at the sheer number of people who post on this forum about HOCD.  I have yet to find someone that I truly thought was gay.  And you are not the first....I don't think you are gay.  
Avatar universal
ur right
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