Avatar universal

hocd or gay?

okay so I'm a girl. whenever I have tried to date a guy it's fine at first but then I all of a sudden get a weird feeling in my stomach that won't go away until the relationship. until almost a year ago I fell hard for this guy and we dated and it felt right but we ended badly. I still miss him. anyway, I tried hooking up with guys after (just kiss) but the first guy when we made out I kind of just wanted it to end. I felt uncomfortable. (i think he has a nice body but he is unattractive to me) and then the second guy we met at a party and flirted he whole time and I just wanted to be around him and it was so much fun and he kissed me goodnight but once we started to be a couple I ended it becuase I didn't like it. it didn't feel right for some reason. so all of a sudden I went into panic mode
thinking I'm a lesbian or at least bi. I always look at pretty girls and I look at their butts but I don't want to actually touch them or anything. I tried thinking of being with a girl sexually and it makes me so grossed out. but when I'm in public I notice more good looking girls than guys. I can only see myself with a guy especially married with one and with kids. I'm now uncomfortable to be around my girl friends becuase I don't know if I'm attracted to them or if I just look at bodies and it doesn't mean anything. I always want to be texting a hot guy and I never text girls becuase I don't care if I talk to one or not. I can't see myself with a girl and I can't even get myself to experiment becuase it grosses me out but I've been so obsessed with the fact I think I'm a lesbian. I've been nonstop researching this and it looks like I'm gay but I don't want to be. the idea is freaking me out. I want to be straight and nothing else. I've been taking quizzes and everything. when I look up things about lesbians I have the same denial and stuff as lesbians do. I can't sleep at night becuase this is all I think about. I had a dream my girl friend kissed my chin close to my lips and i got freaked out in the dream along with real life thinking about the fact I had that dream. I came upon this hocd thing I thought maybe it's possible I have it? but I don't have any other ocd do idk if I could have it. I'm not stop worrying about the fact I might be lesbian it makes me sick. being around girls makes me uncomfortable now and I'm trying everything to prove to myself Im straight but idk if I am. I'm attracted to looking at girls and that's what freaks me out the most along with the fact that kissing hot guys to get over my ex I hated. I just wanted the kissing to end. everyone on the internet says that would make a girl lesbian. I only see myself having sex with a man (which I've never done before) but I'm scared i won't get turned on enough to *** or anything. I am nonstop googling it and worrying about it. please please help me. I think I'm gay but I would rather almost be dead than gay becuase the idea grosses me out so much. thank you and sorry this was so long!
7 Responses
Avatar universal
also I've always only wanted to impress guys. whenever a guy gives me compliments or a guy asks for my number I blush and get all excited! if a girl did that I would run away as fast as possible. but maybe I'm bi??
Avatar universal
and I'm 16. I just want these thoughts gone. without make up I feel like I must look like a lesbian. I dress like a normal girl and do my hair. but all I can do it look at girls recently and I hate it. I want it to stop. I've been turned on if like in a music video a girl twerks or something but I would never just look at a girl and want her to take her clothes off. no thanks. I want their clothes on but if they have leggings or something I can't stop looking! I'm also obsessed with what my body looks like as well as my butt and stomach just like I'm obsessed with other girls butts and stomachs. I don't get turned on by penises like some of my friends do. I don't like nudes from guys but I like them in boxers. I just want to be straight and be happy and live again! I really hope it's some how hocd. but idk becuase I don't have ocd. recently I've been looking at girls instead of guys but I don't want to! and I only see myself with a guy. not a girl. I can't even get myself to experiment it grosses me out. please help
Avatar universal
when I'm not thinking about it I'm happy like so happy and when I came across a post (after obviously looking up lesbian posts and questions) I smiled and basically laughed becuase I got so happy! like a huge relief!
Avatar universal
and one last thing. if I'm on a guys Instagram I always go to the pictures where he's with girls. idk why. I just do. idk what to do and I'm freaking out!
Avatar universal
also when I was with the bf that ended badly I always wanted kisses from him and got butterflies all the time.
1699033 tn?1514113133
Hi there.  First let me tell you that my own OCD kicked in around your age and it has to start somewhere right?  

My take on being gay is that it is genetic.  You are either born gay or you are not.  You don't wake up one day and become gay.  People that are gay know it from early on in life.  Oh they may grow up and get married but trust me, they know they are gay and living a lie.  

Gay people don't fight gay thoughts.  In fact gay people have the opposite OCD that you are having.  They are afraid they will become straight!  

It is very common to compare ourselves to other people.  Hell I'm 50 and I still look at women my age and compare myself...doesn't make me gay.  

Here are a few links to OCD in general and other one written by an actual gay person.  Let me know what you think.  Also stop Googling stuff.  Don't test yourself.  It will only keep you stuck in the OCD loop.  You need to adopt the "WHATEVER" attitude.  You think the thought, you say whatever, and then busy yourself with something.  When you stop giving these thoughts credit, you take the fear out of them and it will go away.  

If you continue to have problems, then you should talk to your parents about seeing a psychologist that specializes in OCD.



Avatar universal
How u feeling ??
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