HOCD please help me!

[Omghelpme24]

Holy sh1t, it's destroying my mind to even be here and to be writing this

Ok so where to start, i'm petrified what my mind is doing to me, it's ruining my life.  My every thought is a fear of my life changing and i can't stop it now, it's to late.  

But now the bit that plays it, that runs and controls my mind.

As a very young teenager, i was very horny! With whatever! I did, take part in sexual stuff with a teen a little older.  No kisses, cause it was horrible and gay and i didnt want to, i masterbated and stuff infront of.

Years passed, i had gfs, i had sex with them and i love women, i do.  When i walk the streets, i see hot women all around me and think wow your hot! i check that bodys out and the usual stuff guys do, you know?

I'm now 24, i've been with my gorgeous gf for 3 year.  Our sex flurished as do all relationships at the start and even upto now, i can get turned on from her just lieing next to me, without any touching or kissing.  

Problem with the above is, id worry my penis would lose it's hardness, so id also try to get super excited and finish fast, very embarrassing for me, i make excuses the first years, oh your to hot..damn, you heated that vag up?

Now i'm in a hole differnt ball game.  I started training at the gym some years ago, ended up taking anabolic steriods, i heard this can mess with your hormones, i wasnt worried though.

i have lived a very lonely and shelterd life, very alone, no friends, never out the house etc, i used to masterbate over all kinds of genres.  

Then i started smoking cannabis, almost to a everyday point, i was hooked, i used to think well damn hell with it, and i went into a darker side of porn, which was the gay side, started talking to older guys, and saying sexual rude stuff while masterting about what i wanted to do.  I kept doing this for a while, but i also feel this is cause i enjoyed to pass my time, and it was a filthy way of doing it.  I used to turn it before orgasm, cause i was disgusted in myself.

Now, me and my gf broke up for like a few weeks, general argueing life style issues etc. She came to my house drunk one night and came onto me, it was 2am and i tired and stoned but she was drunk and really horny, came onto me, we kissed a little and started to have sex.  My penis went soft a few mins after penetration.  This started in my head..Why is that happening? What is happening? Omg? So whatever, i blamed the cannabis and tiredness and we went to sleep.  

Over the last week, somthing went off in my head, i cant stop thinking wtf how do i stop this? It's a every minute battle, every morning and everynight, last night i woke from a nightmare about it and i cudnt sleep cause of these thoughts that i DONT want and i wont accept it. I know i like my women, i want to have sex with them but these thoughts are doing mean things to me.  I feel i want to brake down in tears, tonight i had sex with my gf after 4 month, i started the missionary penis for my penis again to go limp within a few strokes, the panic  that rushed through my head destroyed my soul...we waited a few mins and got myself erect again and she got on top to continue the sex but she could tell i wasnt enjoying it. I am already having suicial thoughts, i'm not going to live like this and wont, i am not gay. I love my gf and i love women i know  this.

Please, what can i do?

[JGF25]

Hi there.  Stress can kill anybody's sex drive.  Stress makes OCD worse as well.  It makes us go back and over analyze things in our life that meant nothing.  Do you think you are the only guy to have masturbated in front of another guy?  Actually I have heard about a pretty big musical band in the US doing just that as adults!

You are old enough now to know what you like and don't like.  But this fear of yours has you paralyzed.  Who can perform when they are not just stressed about performing but adding pot and alcohol to the mix.  

Since you live in the UK you are going to have to start by making an appointment with your general practitioner and talk about this and perhaps he/she can give you something short term such as klonopin to help you with your anxiety.  Ultimately you need to get a referral to a psychologist.  There is a lot for you to discuss with him/her.  There is cognitive behavioral therapy to learn so that you can help yourself when you have these types of thoughts.  This is highly treatable so put the suicidal thoughts aside and know that with the right help, you will be able to get past this.  

All OCD people have been where you are.  We have been in what I term crisis mode and it is God awful.  So make the appointment as soon as you can to talk to your GP.  Just sitting around isn't going to do it.  As you know, these thoughts stay around without learning how to manage them.  

For now you can try the following breathing technique.  Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth.  Do this lying down at first with your hands on your stomach.  Breathe until you are calm.  Afterwards you can do this breathing in any situation and nobody will even know you are doing it.  Also look on YouTube for some good meditation videos and give them a try as well.  

Try to pick up the Books Brain Lock and Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani.  

[Omghelpme24]

I just dont understand, it's ripping my heart out.  I love my women! I can easily be turned on and masterbate over women, and women having sex!