OCD + Trust Issues + Insecurity + Low Self Esteem

[fran60]

hi, I have been married for a year with my husband who was diagnosed with OCD in 2003. We dated about 2 years; and 2 year almost engaged so 4 in total we known each other. During this time; I have never cheated on him, and he knows that I will never do too. We never had this trust issue until recent. He does not check on me where I have been; what I have been doing; etc, but he checks himself a lot. Recently he checks other people in street or cars to see if they are me  and just a day ago; he checked a car similar to my car to see if I was in that car or not; and he found out that the driver was a guy and the passenger seat even though a woman but with different clothing than mine! Then once he saw a proof of where I was at that time (a parking ticket was a proof for him) he got calmed because of his reassurance. But then he got suspicious of something else; to know that if it was really my car parking there; so its never ending cycle! it just frustrates and tires me how even though I have not done anything ; no cheating what so ever; he still doubts me or his own mind. He is diagnosed with OCD and low self-esteem; and maybe a minor depression. He was on medication until last year September 2011; where he stopped but now he is going back to the medication almost a week ago; due to these things happening to him. I am trying my best not to do anything for him suspect me; even though I have no reason to hide anythign or walk on egg shells; but i promised him not to talk to my male friends (even though again I dont really talk to them, maybe once in blue moon). I love him; and I want to save our marriage; i dont know what to do ! I am helpless. I try always my best to make him happy ; to distract him; and make a happy vibrant environment by playing music, or playing games with him, or anything. But again; after all these activities; he goes back to his thinking mode. Before this; he was always sharing and talking to me so much about everyday life and his activities; but now he is constantly thinking of stuff; and is consumed so much with himself and his thoughts. He doubts even the places he was; to the point that he has to check it somehow to get a proof ! I dont know what to do ! Please help me ! I would never do anything to harm him; but he thinks I might; emotionally ! I do admit that during fights i have treated him of leaving him ; which I was sorry for and told him that I am sorry and acknowledged my mistake. We are married for a  year; and I dont know what to do and how to save our marriage. We are going to go for some couple counselling soon; but before that I am like helpless adn mostly sad because i know i dont deserve this; and he feels shameful too when he tells me his thoughts or bad actions (checking) too; we both love each other and he knows deep down that I love him and I care about him; but he cant stop the intrusive thoughts. Please help!

[JGF25]

Hi Helen.  This is an older thread so it would be great if you could start a new one.  People's posts end up getting lost when they use old threads.  Just copy and past the above and start new and we can go from there so that everyone can benefit.  JGF

[HelenD123]

Wow, I can't think of a better way to have described our OCD process:
"The best way to describe it is a broken record. You have a thought, you know it's irrational, but it comes back, you dismiss it, it comes back, you need proof that it is irrational to try to make it go away, you get the proof, it comes back, you get reassurance of the proof, the thought comes back..."
THANK YOU for this. It really helps to see someone else relate to a describe this so accurately. I am currently dealing with his in my relationship and I'M the obsessive-thinker-paranoid-insecure-fact checker....and it's getting out of hand. I've had past experience in a past relationship, with a partner who was not fully available, was very secretive and lied a lot. So naturally that would make anyone carry a little bit of a defensive burden into any following relationship. My relationship now is amazing. My boyfriend is everything I could ever want. He is so good to me. However, we did have an issue early on where he lied to me and acted questionably. This of course opened the flood gates of all the suppressed insecurities and paranoia. Now that I know this perfect person was capable of lying to me once, I catch myself questioning everything. I did for things but not good thing. I look for evidence of lies and deceit. I rationalize the doubt away but will have a random thought the next day that makes me second guess myself and I think about it all over again....add in details that maybe didn't exist before...to make the narrative make sense. The awful, horrible narrative. Why? Why do I obsess over finding out the bad rather than looking at the good? It's making me very unhappy to feel like I cannot reign myself in. I have no control of my mind. Anyone have advise? I am currently looking for a therapist. I've been recommended to group meetings. I'm not sure what that best way to go is. I'm need to talk these things out because unless I have someone to talk to, I'm stuck inside my head. I'm trapped.  

[lola099]

I have to agree that I do not know what it is like for the shoe to be on the other foot, but I do know that with my OCD I am more than a handful for my husband.

It is not easy for us, and I can only imagine what it is like for those who love us and are trying to help us. If I could explain the thought process for OCD I would do it, but Im not sure anyone can. The best way to describe it is a broken record. You have a thought, you know it's irrational, but it comes back, you dismiss it, it comes back, you need proof that it is irrational to try to make it go away, you get the proof, it comes back, you get reassurance of the proof, the thought comes back... and it goes round and round like this.

Your husband is very fortunate to have you in his life. Couples counselling is a good idea, but I believe the OCD is the  culprit here and that marriage counselling isn't the answer. You love eachother, and you are happy together.. without the OCD. Be patient, try to be understanding, but also you cannot let this rule your lifes. I am glad he is on medication again, with that and therapy, for you both, will do wonders. In no time you will be back on track and happy as can be

[JGF25]

Hi there.  I can't exactly say what it is like to have the shoe on the other foot because that would be my husband.  I'm the one with OCD.  I think though that is very hard for someone that doesn't have the disorder to really undertand how our mind works.  We make stuff up.  It is stupid, we know it is stupid, and yet we can't help but do it anyway.  

It does sound like you have had many years with your husband, before he was your husband, when things were great.  And you did mention that he for some reason went off medication.  Obviously it was helping him at the time.  In any case, he is back on it and unfortuantely sometimes it takes 4 to 6 weeks before it is really built up in our system to see the benefits.  So while I know this is tough and he is making your head spin, you just need to be supportive as best you can.  Deep down inside he knows how ridiculous this is and that is the worst part.  The knowing and not being able to stop.  So hang in there until the medication kicks back in and I'm sure that your lives together will be back to normal.