So, I've had a difficult past year, after getting tonsilitis twice in the same year (I'd never been sick before!) I freaked out, and my usual fear of HIV kicked in.
I went from getting tested to making my recent ex get tested, looking up old exes and obsessing over the possibility of them giving it to me, researching rare strains my tests might not have detected, etc, and I finally got to a good place--especially after I got a wonderful response from Doctor Hook in the hiv prevention experts forum, assuring me I was fine and no fears were warranted.
I was feeling good--until I had another intrusive thought. My main issue recently has been a lot of muscle and joint pain that kind of came out of nowhere the past month, along with a little nausea. I suddenly remembered that four months ago, I was having stomach issues and went to my health center at my university (in the US) to get blood drawn to check for internal bleeding, a typical CBC. I remember that day well because after getting a typical blood draw, I went out and saw a boy standing at the counter filling out his paperwork--he'd seen the nurse before me. He circled the top of the paper where it said "Hiv/AIDS related illness" and I remember feeling a little triggered but I kept my ground and was able to shake it off by going home and talking to my mom. I know I can't get it from being in the same room with sick people, using the same pens, etc. I was able to be rational right then...
But now, after accepting I haven't contracted it sexually, I'm terrified that my myalgia and weird pains are late ars from the blood draw in Feb and that the nurse somehow reused the needle they used for him (assuming they drew any blood, which they might even not have).
I hate this. Every time I think I'm getting better I go off the deep end. It's like I have to work so hard to keep myself above water--and it's so easy for these thoughts to drag me down again. I want to be able to get blood drawn in the same facility as an HIV-infected student and still be completely comfortable knowing that I'm fine. Now I can already feel the desire to obsessively research on the internet, check symptoms, call the facility, see local testing centers, and I just don't want to anymore. I'm sick of this.
I'm sorry this is long. I just wish this would get better.