HOCD or just repression?

[Avatar2305]

I'm 21, straight and have never had a girlfriend. I've had hookers and that's about it. Since about 8, I've had a crush on a girl and liked girls, found them sexually attractive etc etc. I'm not a very masculine guy, I am tall and skinny. I've never had a problem with gays, logically there is no problem.

However, for about 2 years (in minor on and off phases) up until about two months ago where it plagues my mind every hour of the day, I have begun questioning my sexuality. The anxiety of it is the last thing I think about before bed and the first thing that hits me in the morning. I've had 3 dreams in the last 3 months involving gay people. I did not undertake any homosexual acts in these dreams though at all and two of those times, I woke up with night terrors. Insomnia followed for a couple of weeks, pacing incessantly at 1 or 2 in the morning for over an hour of constantly asking "Am I gay? I can't be, this never bothered me before, can you just turn gay, what if it is deep denial? What if I am repressing?" Hearing stories about people you wouldn't normally pick just coming out and making me freak out. I sometimes have thoughts of "you're gay, accept it and come out."

I look at guys and see a good looking guy and know he's good looking but nothing happens in terms of sexual arousal, I may get what I think is an anxious groin response. When I look at a girl, it feels pretty right, like that's who I am. But lately I have just been googling HOCD so much to try and take the edge off and read the answer I'm looking for. Then reading on Emptyclosets "HOCD isn't real you're just kidding yourself, stop denying it" a lot just ends up fanning the flames,

I talked to a friend about it and he said he's sort of had the same insecurities and he even had a friend of his come out to him and he said he felt like something was off all his life even as a kid. I felt normal as a kid until high school when I was a social hand grenade but for the most part I feel pretty normal.

I have never "checked" by beating off to gay porn, I can barely look at porn with a guy or transsexual in it. Being in a room with a naked man just feels awkward, the very mention of homosexuality causes a stir in me of anxiety and being mistaken for being gay by others every now and then doesn't help either.

I have not sought therapy nor have I been formally diagnosed. I have seen a counselor regarding other issues and he said I borderline on anxiety and depression due to a low self image and confidence. When he gave me a CD he said "Listen to this, you'll discover a bit about yourself." I somewhat linked it to "What if I discover I'm gay?"

It's doing my head in to the point I have considered suicide. I have liked girls all my life, I want to like girls and continue to do so until the day I die. I'm going out of my mind.

[123tushar07]

you are having suicidal thoughts and still you haven't consulted a psychiatrist or a therapist. what are you waiting for? do you think ocd is just a bad dream , it will get over automatically,but you are mistaken buddy , ocd is a serious mental disorder, please go consult a psychiatrist for medicine and therapist for cognitive behavior therapy . It will not get better on its own, it will only going to worse if untreated

[Avatar2305]

Also, I feel like my libido and any sex drive or will to socialise at all is just gone. I feel scared and confused.