HOCD or denial?

[Confoosed123]

Hey all - I'm 17 years old, and have been attracted to girls all my life, have been in love with two and both of those went sourly wrong, never ended up getting with them,but ive always persisted and loved girls, I guess its hard to say love at 17 years old, but I feel it was love, but who knows?

I do suffer depression, and very low self esteem at times, I mean my dad has depression too and Ive always become horrified with myself for being depressed, and thought my mum would hate me and think I was gonna leave.

And after all this business with these other girls I became miserably bitter for a while, but still liked girls, like whenever I noticed a girl who I thought was attractive I thought the usual oo shes hot etc etc, and I have watched gay porn in the past and been turned on, but I was still sort of grossed out, I think it was just the nature of it that turned me on, but I never worried and It didnt fuss me and I didnt think christy Im gay or anything.

(Please note, I have absolutely nothing against gays, completely support their rights and absolutely am against homophobia)

But one day, I was watching a music video, and I noticed the singer (a guy) and thought hes good looking, and suddenly this absolute dread thought dropped me "am I gay" and I suuddenly wanted to scream, everything was blurry and every 10 seconds was holy crud holy crud, and my attraction to girls plummeted, and I was not at all turned on by gay thoughts, not disgusted just blank, as it just wasnt for me.

Then It went away after reading about HOCD, and I used acceptance and got through, and eventually even found a girl, and she said she loved me and we were very very close, both had massive mutual interests (reading, poetry, music etc) but it turned out she had really come to terms with the fact she was a lesbian.

Now that really just set my mind into sheer horror, and I suddenly backtracked every girl I liked, thinking have I always liked girls that I knew I couldnt get in purpose, dear god, and everytime Ive been close to a relationship and bottled it, and ran for the hills.

My "spikes" if they are, are not as much about erections, theyre just whenever I see a guy I just check and check and check ,and will continually scroll up a page say if theres a pic of a guy and see if i was turned on, and itll seem as though I am, but I really am not, though my mind says I am and that I want a future wit a man, but it really isnt real feeling as I get scared as and obsess and ruminate and try to look for answers and freak and go on porn and look in my past, but now when I look in my past it says "your feelings werent real, you werent ever interested" and i obsess and have to find an answer, then I masturbate eveyr night to girls and its always replaced by a guy ,and when I say Im straight, it will automatically go to gay and lately I dont even know what I feel, but suddenly I feel as if im being pushed into liking guys, when really I dont, so far as sometimes forcing myself to like guys when I know I dont, gay sex doesnt appeal to me at all and some of it is a little putting off for me personally.

I dont want to be gay, I really like girls, and I sit for hours at websites trying to reassure myself, but it never works, and my mate messing around hugged me and I suddenly freaked and wanted to cry and felt depressed as anything.

Everything I do know I feel as though people think Im gya, and I try to change the way I sit or do my hair, and then the way I dress I think wow you look gay and suddenly the tv shows I watch make me feel gay (fraiser,etc)

And I feel as if ive been turned gay without nay choice and over a few days suddenly Im gay, when really there isnt an attraction and i botle, and i want to scream all the time and I feel really suicidal at points, please someone help, Im scared to talk about thiswth a doctor as theyll say straight away denial...

And Ive let these thoughts in im not repressing them, but logic isnt here anymore, not alot makes sense to me any more, and I work full time, and I really enjoyed it and I like working there but now I feel asif everyones thinking look at the way he sits and I feel as though cause I dont have a girlfriend Im gay all of a sudden.

I really dont know how to logically function anymore as its ALWAYS on my mind, and Ive despite depression, done my best to use logic and stuff, bu all logic for me is completely gone, and I just want my attraction to girls back, I really really dont want to be gay

[Nobleheart14]

Bro, it's like you're telling my story, except I have never masterbated to gat porn, it's typical scary for me to even have the tought of doing that. But lately I began freaking out because I started thinking that I am gay, when I have done nothing but sleep with woman, all my life, all I have been doing is screwing woman , loving them, going out of my way to please them, got bones of them, & now all of sudden I began having these weird thoughts about being gay, I could bear look at men, scares the shid out of me, makes me feel like I'm about to die , disapear. All my passions about having sons and daughter drained out off me, that is my biggest concern & my biggest life plan, the only thing that motivates in life is knowing that one day I will have my flesh and bones... I never found men attractive, nor do I want to, but these thoughts are ripping my brains, destroyING me in the inside. I have always joked about gays, which no I regret so much, because they are people still, but I swear I would trade anything in the world to stop having these nightmares , I can't function , I can't concentrate, I can't bear walk around with the notion believing that I am gay when I'm not. God please help me, please help me, I picture life with a beautiful wife & kids. Those who had the issues before how have you been coping?

[blahwhatdoido]

Oh geeze! You sound just like me but in guy form. It's so comforting knowing I'm not alone and hope you feel relief also. Most of the things you said sound just like me and its comforting hearing others responses to similar questions I have myself.  I'm new to here so I'm looking around at similar problems to mine right now. Thank you for sharing!

[TimmyKaye]

I have the exact same problem, Im 15 though. I've always been attracted to girls, tried to sneak a peek, gone for the and overlook down the shirt,, and of course have been turned on from it...and then have to have my hands in my pockets the whole time. But I have checked out a guy once and a while, and dealing with anxiety, my brain immediately jumps at the though saying the exact same things you hear. It blows. I always got hard from guy and girl and girl on girl, but didn't get anything from guy on guy which was reassuring, however my sub conscience played tricks on me in my dreams, showed me pictures of guys and I'd say 'Yeah you like that, don't you', maybe even get a bit hard. One time I received a handy j from a guy in these dreams. However I had also gotten multiple dreams about girls before. I swear to you. It's all the anxiety. It makes us over think things until we are on the brink of insanity and want to jump off a roof. The reason I'm writing this to you is because it always relieved me to know There were other people who had the same issue. You're probably straight man.

[raxx]

I don't know why i have comed here... Probably for my latest reasurance... Anyhow... Just say yes to it... Yes, I am gay... I am the biggest gay ever. The biggest. And every question you find related to it, just say to it because I am the biggest gay who have ever lived and i ADORE myself... That is what I found about it after 3 years of torture and I am all good now... I am having a girlfriend, sex thoughts about all genders and stuff and I don't know what else but I don't care... If you check you will never know, that's the point. And If you're ego is being tortured by "YOU ARE GAY!!!" od Is it "because you are gay?" stuff... Just say yes to it and that's all there is to it... So we are all beautiful homo/hetero/bi/whatever sexuals... I consider myself to be a peanut regarding my sexual orientation btw... :D You may think I am crazy, but hay, who sais I'm not... Just kidding :D
Have good lives, over and out...

[TrynaChillOut]

Yo I am 17. I'm a dude. I was in the bathroom the other day watching porn and it was a guy doing a girl in the butt. Excuse the image but I was curious. I have that same physical feature as her so, being the horny teenager I am I tried anal with myself. It sucked, but the whole idea of it turned me on so i continued. I have been masturbating and watching male female intercourse since 5th grade, and to be honest, it's getting sorta boring. I am not gay, but gay porn turns me on, but so would seeing a person and an animal or cartoon porn. This is a really weird subject and I can't believe what I'm saying but we are all weird. I have OCD, anxiety attacks(gda), depression, and intrusive thoughts disorder to highly extreme levels. I went to the emergencyroom last summer because I was having an extreme anxiety attack from having a violent thought towards my mother. My last 9 or 10 months have been rough and I know what ur going through cause I'm right there too, just different paths and thoughts. 3 suggestions- listen to music by the rapper Grieves, he talks about anxiety and his journey through hell. Also watch the movie It's Kind of a Funny Story, it makes you realize that there are other people like us. Also try taking St. John's Wort. It is an herb that acts as a natural Antidepressant. Helps me a ton. One more thing, I know it is illegal but smoking marijuana will make your homosexual ideas go away. Eventually this will blow over and you will have a new obsession. I have one or 2 a month that about drive me to suicide on a monthly basis. You aren't gay my man, you are bored and have OCD and your a horny teenager with unbalanced serotonin levels in ur brain. Go jack off to "beautiful blonde Jessie" on pornhub. That will make you feel straight.

[Confoosed123]

Yeah it does, I really feel its HOCD, Ive tried scenarios with men in my head and it grosses me out sexually, and the most important think I tried to think of, was could I fall in love with a man, and really I know I couldnt, I feel doubt as i say and stuff, but I know i couldnt.

Ive read what it means to be gay, and I know to my core that is not me, (not that being gay is bad, were all just humans) Its just not me and I feel forced upon it and stuff.

[JGF25]

Your constant proof searching is in response to your intrusive thought but that thought may not be at the forefront.  You could be reacting to it subconsciously.  You will hear many people say they became anxious but they felt like nothing was bothering them.  Well, not outwardly but inwardly it is.  I hope that makes sense.  

[Confoosed123]

Sorry for all the posts I have no idea why it did that sorry

[Confoosed123]

Is it possible to have HOCD without intrusive thoughts as such but more like constant proof searching and ruminating 24/7?

[Confoosed123]

Is it possible to have HOCD without intrusive thoughts as such but more like constant proof searching and ruminating 24/7?

[Confoosed123]

Is it possible to have HOCD without intrusive thoughts as such but more like constant proof searching and ruminating 24/7?

[Confoosed123]

Is it possible to have HOCD without intrusive thoughts as such but more like constant proof searching and ruminating 24/7?

[JGF25]

Try not to test yourself.  You have to live in the moment.  I just went to Florida...we drove from Maryland to Ft. Lauderdale.  I have had panic attacks driving this route before....what do you think I was doing in the car?  I was sitting there thinking "If I drive, I'm going to have a panic attack."  Guess what happened...I did!  I can sit here and tell you what to do but sometimes I myself have a hard time.  What did I do, I just talked myself through it.  I breathed myself back to calmness.  The feeling just really stinks and I don't want to experience it again but I have to fall back on the knowledge that it can happen, I will deal with it, and move on.  I probably drove a total of 6 hours of that trip.  

My point being, don't look at every girl and overanalyze it.  Because just like the driving for me, you are going to go into a panic and start to believe the irrational thoughts.  It is better to try to not go there to begin with.  When that thought enters your mind, immediately think of something else or say STOP or "Nope, not going there...move on."  Any statement that will take you out of that moment.  

I know it is hard believe me.  As you can see I struggle myself sometimes but I know it is going to go away and I know I can make it go away.  It takes practice.  Remember I'm 47 and have had OCD since I was a teenager.  Just keep practicing the techniques and I think the book will be very helpful to you.

Take care.

[Confoosed123]

I'm feeling kinda confused atm, I don't even know if my thoughts are intrusive anymore and feel really scared, and my minds all "you know your gay" and stuff when I look at a girl, and when I ry to thinkof girls It always fuzzes it out and says "why do you even want to like girls"  and then I doubt is even OCD :( bad day.

Thanks for the verbal stuff, its particularly useful at work, I fall back to it alot, but it is starting to help.

thanks very much for the help.

[JGF25]

What you just described are classic symptoms of OCD.  Checking...do I know that one well.  Doubt...another one I know well.  You have to remember though that we are not doctors on here so we are not allowed to diagnose people.  A psychologist would need to formally say you have OCD.  With that said...


Try this....when you lock the door say out loud "The door is locked."  That way when you have that moment of panic you can remember back to your verbal cue(sp) that you did in fact lock the door.  The same with things at work that you are doubting.  Come up with something that is going to stick in your head once you finish a task so that you can remember that it has been done and done right.  

I cannot tell you how many times I had to fall back on my verbal cue of "The iron is off."  LOL

Let me know if the book is of any help to you.  Take care.

[Confoosed123]

Hey JGF25 thanks for the help, its really reassuring to have the help, I'm not too sure how to get in touch with a psychologist, and I dont know if I could afford it but I'm gonna gain some info on that, I've found the book you mentioned and have ordered a copy, the excercises have been helping me focus, I just doubt alot of the time it is HOCD even though I still dont actually get that attracted to guys, Im struggling to find out the difference between actally enjoying a though and thinking I enjoyed it due to (if it is) HOCD.

Though it hit me today, I was ruminating as I usually do, and ive noticd patterns in my past that are quite ocd, such as at one point I had a constant need to re lock my door and run back and check, and when I finally left it id ruminate on wether id left my door open or not, I do things over and over at work and am never fully sure there done even if i get told they are, and I have to  have certain numbers and patterns on my computer like I always have to have an odd amount of tabs open per say, otherwise i get a bit anxious, is any of this related to OCD?

Once again though thanks alot for the advice!

[JGF25]

Hi there and welcome to the OCD forum.

First let me say that I too think there is nothing wrong with being gay.  The scientist part of me thinks it is genetic.  I know people may not agree but that is just my personal opinion.  Do I think you are gay? From your post, no I don't.

You are taking the normal things that people do in life which is notice others and compare ourselves to them however you are taking it to the next step and these comparisons are leading to the HOCD.  I had the irrational thought I was a lesbian a long time ago and I was married at the time.  I quickly realized it was just my mind playing tricks on me.

So the first thing you need to do is go and see a psychologist to get a formal diagnosis of OCD.  From there you both can come up with a plan that will help you.  It could be a referral to a psychiatrist for medication and/or the psychologist can teach you cognitive behavioral therapy to help alleviate the anxiety that comes with these irrational thoughts.  Also a psychologist that teaches CBT would be very helpful as well.

The next thing you need to do is to stop the checking.  Don't go on porn sites and "test" yourself.  It only leads to more and more irrational thoughts because at this point in time you don't have the necessary tools to help yourself.  

You need to adopt the "whatever" attitude.  When the thought pops into your head, imagine a red handle and imagine pulling it toward you and say "STOP" in your head.  Self-coach yourself...when the thoughts comes to you, you can say to yourself "I have always liked girls and I always will."  You want to nip the thought as soon as it shows up so that it doesn't continue on.  Try to breath as well when you are anxious.  Take a deep breath in through your nose and hold it for 5 seconds and count this out in your head, then let it all out through your mouth.  Continue this breathing exercise until you feel calmer.  You can also try some meditation.

Lastly, there is a book called The OCD Workbook:  Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive Compuslive Disorder that you may want to get.  

Know that this can be treated very effectively with the right help/tools.  The first and most important thing is to get the proper diagnosis and then go from there.  

Please post again if you need anything else.  Take care.