How do you all keep going??

[Tybear]

I hope I don't offend anyone with this post. I guess I'm just feeling so worn down lately...I don't know where to find the strength to even wake up in the morning.
This year has not started the way I had hoped...5 surgeries already, minor ones I know, but enough to chip away at me. I'm tired...tired of doing this, tired of having my life in a constant state of "pause"...not moving forward but not really going backwards either. I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like I'm always in pain, day in and day out...sometimes it's not too bad, but when it is bad, it's draining.
I feel like I'm lashing out at my loved ones too, simply because they are the ones that are there. My poor son has seen some not-so-nice sides of Momma these last few months, that's for sure. I apologized for freaking out on him yesterday (about something totally stupid) and he said "that's ok Momma...I know your sick". Geez....that just made me cry even more...
I know many of us who are dealing with this have felt this same way, at one time or another. What do you do to pull yourself out this? I feel like I'm drowning...
Thanks,
Becky xx

[lvfrogs]

Becky,
I know that I cannot fully understand what you are going through, but I know that you are strong and you have such a will and a giving spirit.  I know that your little boy means the world to you and you to him. Us moms have all lashed out at our kids one time or another and they will be ok. They remember all the good times they spend with us and he will too. I hope that you can take one day at a time and enjoy that day. I know it is easy for me to say, I just want to give you some comfort. I am right there in hugs for you!
Love,
Colleen

[crecco]

  Becky,
   I am sending you a big hug too. I know how hard it is hon and I can only imagine how it would be with a young child. It is hard enough with my grandkids. Evne the 2 year old will come up to me occasionally and aks me if I am alright. If I say yes then he will give me a piece of candy. Oh if only those pieces of candy really did make every thing alright!
  We are special women Becky. For some reason or other we have been chosen. Maybe it is because of the fight we all have inside us. But I wish we would have all been chosen for something a lot nicer than what we have. I know the fight is hard and it does get old at times, but we cannot give up. I know what you mean about just feeling sort of in limbo, not moving in really either direction. But actually that can be viewed as a good thing. We are fighting it enough that it is not winning yet. Hang in there hon. You are one of the ones that I call supermom. And we are all behind you.
   Love Chris

[butterflytc]

Becky,
   So sorry to hear you are going thru a rough patch the last while, who wouldn't with all you have had to endure. Most people don't have to have five surgeries in there entire lifetime never mind a few months! You are a strong, loving young woman, who I have admired over the last few years. I fully understand the mental melt downs, our bodies are constantly pushing us to our limits. I was lucky to have gotten away for 3 weeks holiday to Florida, and it renewed my spirit immensely. The first week down there, I was hit with an allergic reaction to the sun, that left me on my last nerve. It is like I said to Seamus, I have dealt with the near death surguries last year, dealt with the terrible side effects, accepted I will have to live with a body that no longer looks like my own, and gotten on a plane to rest..and break out in hives! I just wanted to come home. I was so saddened to see the ocean, sand, and sunshine, and know I could not partake of it. He convinced me to stay..and I am glad he did. No I did not get the vacation I  had dreamed of 3 weeks on the beach..(first two weeks I was not able to go out at all, without my hives oozing, and my body itching like bee stings all over) but once the hives healed over, the benydryl haze lifted, I got out at night and walked on the beach with my feet in the ocean. and found I was able to live for that part of the day, as my joy. Yes I felt saddened and guilty that Seamus had to deal with my short temper and anger at God if only momentarily ..that Seamus was left to go to the beach alone, while I watched from the window, and not understanding why God would bring me to the place I loved most, and then take it away from me with an allergy? It wasn't him, it was the chemo changing my body's reactions to his gift of sunshine. I am greatful Seamus was so understanding, as I know your family and friends are too Becky. When the cloudy day came, as they always do..I sat on a towel at the beach, and found it to be my best day ever. I sat and looked out at the ocean, and wondered how I could be so happy with just one day on the beach? I don't know , I guess I have just come to the point in my life where I appreciate the one day in 14 that is a good one. I made sure to relish every second of that one day, and when the hives were gone, and I was able to enjoy more days? I did and Fully to the Max. I got to spend some time with my little sister and her family, shared an evening with my brother, and meet up with lvfrogs (colleen) and her amazing new hubby. and share laughter with my Seamus, Gods greatest gift to me.
    You will do the same Becky, because that is you. I guess what I am trying to say..is get thru the bad 14 days, and enjoy the 1 day that is good. We are not going to have the longer good days of our past, but we can really give that one good day, all the joy we have in us. Savor that one good day for all it is worth, and carry its memory with you thru the hard ones. The strength is in you Becky, you share it with others everytime you come in here. and we share your bad ones. I hope you get lots of good 1 days to make up for all your hard ones.
love
butterfly Tc

[dawnlyn]

Becky,

I am not sure I can say anything different than what has already been said...I know we have not talked much...But I think of you often..You are a very strong and determined young woman.........It is okay to get upset with life in general....You are a terrific mother and person........Please do not be hard on you.....I am praying that things will get better for you.....Love, Dawnlyn

[ladyjogger31]

I'm sending you a big HUG. I can't imagine what you are going through. I know you are under a lot of stress. You are a great Mom and have given Tyson so much love. or a little guy he's smart and knows when your sick. Please don't be hard on yourself. I will be praying for you and your family.  We are here for you if you need us.
Hugs and Prayers, Terry

"Approach life with love not fear"

[jane65]

Dear Becky,
I know how tough this cancer is for us and our families. We do the best we can considering what we're going through, and our fears and worries.

We all lash out at our loved ones, and they understand that we don't mean the things we say, it's the pain and frustration talking.

I wish you strength, and good health.
Gentle hugs to you,
Jane

[doicat]

I feel for you!  Hearing your son saying he knows you are sick must be heartbreaking...You and HE should not have to have those conversations...But girl,,you have such loving family around you and they are there for you.  I do understand how hard it is for the family but they want to be there for you...It does get old Fast for you!  I am so sick of this cancer thing and I was only dx in September, but I've never reached remission.  I often have a hard time mentally just getting my sorry *** out of bed in the morning.  

My only advise to you is to stop, breathe, really breathe, and enjoy those moments that are really good...

Hang in there!  

Teresa

[gma718]

I really feel for you Becky and know that I think of you often......You are under an extreme amount of stress more than the "norm"...please dont be so hard on yourself...You have so much going on and you are a wonderful mother....You are entitled to have "not so great days"..You have had to endure so much at such a young age...I will keep praying for you and your family....xoxo Gia

[lucymullis]

Becky,
I have had the privilege to get to know so many strong and brave survivors that have been through so much.  However, I must say I think what you have endured is one of the toughest roads I know of.  Not only do you deal with the fear, but your constant pain seems unbearable.  I guess I just want to acknowledge that the emotions you feel are indeed authentic.  
Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things.  For me, being with other ovca survivors gives me strength.  I am heading for another retreat next week to "renew" my spirits.
God Bless you, my friend.

[JC145]

Becky .. I'm joining the others in a big hug.  They have said it all.  You will keep going for Tyson.  He's one hugh incentive.  I hope you can hit a quiet time for a while .. free from pain .. just to enjoy the day.  Judy

[TrudieC]

Ah Becky, I wish there was something I could do to help.  For a few years I was in and out of the hospital with my ulcerative colitis and then I had to have emergency surgery and almost lost my life.  I was in the hospital for 2 months and my little boy was Tyson's age.  It broke my heart not to be able to be the mother I wanted to be to him and to snap when he jumped on my bed for a hug as it brought me pain.  He knew I loved him and we have a wonderful close relationship.  He is 23 and still my little boy.  Please don't worry about that.  He needs you to fight so take your strength from him.  They are a lot stronger than you may think and so are you.  

Hugs, Trudie

[fungirl1011]

Becky, I am getting right in line behind all of the other women to give you a great big hug.  I, like Cirella, have not idea what you are going through, but I do know the guilty feelings of lashing out at your loved ones during times of stress.  I seem to do that alot before I go into my surgeries.  You have nothing to feel guilty about, as you have so much going on in your life.  Your family and friends love you so much, that I am sure that they do not think another thing about your angry feelings.  You have a right to get angry, sad, overwhelmed at times.  You are going thorugh more stuff than most of us will ever go through.  Tyson loves you so much Becky, and there is nothing that you could do to change that.  For a little guy, he sure is smart.  He knows that your lashing out is from being sick and in pain.  You have taught him how to be such an insightful, passionate, caring person.  You are an AWESOME mother, and friend.  We love you so much.  I pray that you get relief from the pain that you are in.  We are here for you anytime you need us.  

Love,
Kasie

[marie3B]

I am joining the others in the big hug.  What you wrote could have been written by me.  I have felt those same feelings alot lately.  I always feel like I am letting everyone down.  Every once in a while I will get a burst of energy that helps me do a few things.  Thankfully I had that today for a while.  Now I am back to wanting to fall on the couch and stay the whole night.  I hope things get easier for you.  I know you called the 5 surgeries minor, but every thing we have done to our bodies takes a heavy toll on us.  This year I have had the colonoscopy & biopsy, the liver tumor biopsy and the insertion of the power port.  All supposed to be no big deal, but it was not fun.  Feel good soon and know we care.  Marie

[SimplyStar]

Becky, if there is one thing that you can be thankful for, it is your age, you are still very young , you have plenty of time to fight this and win, then you will have plenty of time to enjoy life.  Don't worry about those that are around you ,  they are there because they love you, and  believe it or not they also feel pain, it is different , but it is there. The ones that love you the most would trade places with you at once.  Tyson is growing up fast, he is facing  something that most children never face, to hear how he expresses himself shows how much love you have given him. Tto have gone through all that you have in fighting this shows me that you are a fighter.  I am very proud of you.  You probably don't realize what your spirit  has meant to many others,  everyone on this forum past and present , draws from others  courage and fortitude.  Marty

[gah_70]

I'm lining up behind Cirella to give you a big hug, too.  I can't really ever say that I have been to point you have, because bless your heart, you've had to deal with all this constantly for 3 1/2 years.  I've had a few reprieves thrown in, and am looking at being stable for now.  I don't think anyone in this world could or would blame you for feeling like you do.  You've been through enough to suit 5 people, let alone just 1. It's real easy for me to tell you not to feel guilty because your friends and family know you're hurting.  But you being you, and caring so much about those around you, you feel like you've already been given so much from everyone. But, maybe you could look at it this way.  They are your friends and family, and they love you very much.  Things they do for you (or take from you when you say you lash out) aren't things that can be put in a box and measured.  They'll keep doing what they can because you are family and a loved one.  Wouldn't you do the same for any one of them if the tables were turned?  They know you have enough to worry about without throwing guilt in the mix.  I remember you said earlier you had some siblings who weren't very supportive these days.  Well, there comes a time when you have to (I really hate the fact that I'm about to say this...ha/ha!) "ignore the haters" and rely on those who understand.  I also have no doubt that Tyson knows with all his heart how much you love him When he's older, he'll come to understand you fight as hard as you do just for him.  Yes, he's experienced some things not all kids have to deal with, but you've given him something pretty important - compassion.    

Anyway, I could write for awhile about not feeling so guilty, but I'll spare you the entire commentary.  If you need to smile, maybe you can think about Tyson with his toilet paper bunny tail!  Oh, that cracked me up!  

I'll be saying extra prayers for you.  I hope you feel better soon.

Love,
Gail  

[cirella]

Oh Becky...I wish I could reach out and grab you and hug you through the Internet right now.  I can read the sadness in your words.  Lord knows you have every right to feel the way you do and to add guilt about feeling it just makes it that much worse.  I don't even know what to tell you.  I'm sure when you look at the bigger picture it's overwhelming.  If it helps you to find the smallest thing, even if it's just that the sun is out or you see a pretty bird or flower, I pray that you find it makes you feel better.  I know that probably sounds dorky and I'm not in your shoes so I don't presume to know the slightest bit what you feel.  I guess I try to do this for myself when I feel down.

Hugs and more hugs...L