i am sorry to hear about your father it seems you have a little bit of anger also; although you have nightmares and panic attacks you may have PTSD i would see a doctor about your reactions to stress and panic. i was injured in combat and i've been suffering from ptsd since '94. since then i abused drugs and alcohol to self medicate i also suffer from flashbacks and nightmares because of what happened to me. not a day goes by that i don't think about what happened to me i will never forget it for as long as i live :)
Like Drifter states, you seem to suffer from PTSD. I am also a vet (ODS) and dealt with this since. It is terrible and only progresses if you don't get help. I have some suggestions based upon my experience. I've been with a psychiatrist since diagnosed (mine is very good). Over the years I've taken 2/3 of the meds available. Some quit working, some don't work and others have terrible side effects. It is trial and error and you have to try to be patient enough to deal with that. But you need counseling. You experienced something terrible and emotionally devastating. Imagine how powerless you felt at the time. Over the years, those unresolved feelings have just escalated and slipped into other aspects of your life. For both you and Drifter I recommend a therapy using lights. A light bar and a counselor work to relive the event, trigger sensory feelings and then progress to use the same to reduce your reactions to the event. Can't think of the name at the moment but will return with it soon. It was the only thing that really helped to reduce the effects of my most dramatic triggers.
Has your doctor given you an anxiety medication to deal with the panic episodes? Aprazolam 0.25 mg or Lorazapam? I take them as needed depending upon the type of stress and panic I may have. After a while, just knowing I have them helps and I don't take many now. It sounds lame, but really try to get into some relaxation exercises. There are tapes or cds that specialize. Look for one where it runs about 20 min and talks you into a relaxed state, then brings you back out. You will feel refreshed and relaxed. After a while, you learn how to use those techniques on your own. I have recently (after all these years) been to the VA and am working with a PTSD specialist. This technique is what I have been looking for all these years. You talk about specific episodes and the counselor talks you thru it. During this time you begin to see it for what it was, look at how you are safe now and eventually learn how to file it in your mind. It may take more than one treatment, especially if there are multiple things that contributed to the PTSD. But whatever you do......DO NOT STOP TRYING TO GET HELP!!!!!!! When i lost my first child, my depression turned to terrible anger at everyone who had a healthy baby. I completely understand what you are feeling. Please don't give up. Drifter......I understand what you are going through. Have you been to the VA? Is there a good VA near you>? I realize they can be difficult. Ours was terrible 16yrs ago and I never went back. More money has been alloted to them and you would never recognize this VA compared to what it was. They have patient advocates; press them for help. Back then, I even threatened a Congressional if they didn't switch me to another doctor. Ongoing psychotherapy helped over the years to learn how to identify triggers, symptoms and techniques to deal with it all. Please, don't either of you give up. One doctor may not work. Find another until you know this is the one who can help. With the PTSD clinic, I have finally allowed some things to stay in the past. I still think about them but without the rage I have felt over the years. PTSD is lasting but you can learn how to control it. Take care, both of you and write back. .
Rapid Eye Movement Therapy
i also saw my father die only difference is i was a paramedic at the time and worked on him till the sqaud got there all the way to the hospital and at the hospital as well we all did everything we could but he still died i lived with that guilt for a long time and finally talked to a therapist who helped me figure out it was not my fault when its your time it is your time i will pray for you and your mom as i know it is aterrible thing to have to go through but it will get better with time look into therapy it really does make alot of difference
god bless you and your family
mikeinohio271
Watching your father die has to be a horrible experience. I had to make the decision to "unplug" my father from life support, so I can almost get what you're feeling. Let me start by saying that I am no doctor. Anything I say is based on my own experiences, but you really should seek the attention of a good, reputable therapist that deals with PTSD, anger issues.
Okay, with watching your father die... you probably feel as if there was something you could have done, or maybe something you could have done different that might have made a difference. Perhaps you are mad at your dad for "checking out" a bit early. Perhaps you're a bit mad that your dad died right in front of you.... none of this is wrong or out of line. I ran all of those emotions in my head for years..... your mind is somehow trying to justify something.
Finding the truth in the matter, which you have now, is really key and I think needs to be focused on. Your dad died of a specific condition, you had nothing to do with it, and even professional help could not have done a thing. You did what was necessary.... that doesn't make it easier, but you should be able to put that part to bed.
The anger issues fall in line there somehow too. Your mind is manufacturing something that you CAN be in control of. What is important here is to take every situation for what it is, remember that you cannot control other people, and that anything that has ever happened is in the past and it cannot be changed. It would be a good idea to journal or write down your emotions and everything surrounding a difficult time. You may be able to track down specific triggers that launch and emotional attack.
It is all treatable. Talk real well with your PCP and find a good therapist. Good luck to you