Ptsd

[xkittenwhiskersx]

Hi my names ivy i remember i went through alot of trauma i woke up the room was spinning sweating and agitated this onetime i rememeber it was something that kept going for a while and stopped my main concern is my friend recently told me that i show signs of ptsd which i am not sure of i do get pictures in my mind and i feel like time is moving by fast and im just here and everyones just moving on with their lives in my past and im constantly greiving them and they will always be a part of me i will always get sad by that and get these moments im here and i still feel like im 10 even tho its the most traumatizing age of my life so far.. and i cry about it because i had to grow up fast and i feel like a child and i worry i will always be forever and everyone sees me as this adult.. i confronted my mom about the trauma she gave me of course she gaslighted me and it was painful i feel like alot of things in my life i went through is filtered out and i have a fear of growing old and when im in these moments i am scared i am in fight or flight my sister is 12 i am 15 about to be 16 i always hated birthdays well i would have sleepovers with her and her friends and have attachment issues to her my mom finds it weird and i get into these moments the people im close by may die and i get scared of it and upset its all i think about in the moment and i always try and friend my sisters friends because my mental age is still 10 and i would have dreams about my childhood bestfriend i grew up with and went to middle school and transferred but its a greif thing for me and i feel like everythings greif for me like my dad hes still here he feels like a ghost to me because everything we went through even my mom we were never close she abandoned me and it hurts i have a partner they recently told me they wanted me to be better and i have trigger words i would always get sad when someone says my real age too i even feel like my partner is a ghost and everyone around me  and its like a big wall in between us at times and time is floating by and im like underwater drowning and everyones staring