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Primary Tokophobia (fear of pregnancy)- support groups?
Hello everyone,
I have been with my partner for about 5 years (we are both approaching 30), but recently he has expressed an interest in starting a family in a few years time.
The problem is I have never wanted children and suffer from a serious fear of pregnancy so even if I wanted them, I am not sure I could go through with a pregnancy. My fear is so bad that even being around a pregnant women I begin to suffer "sympathy pains" (back ache, stomach cramps, dizziness/sickness etc) or anxiety attacks.
To be clear I am not about to have a child just to please my partner, but I dont want my fear to rule out us having them if we *both* decide its something we want in the future.
I have read that Cognitive Therapy can help with this condition, but I am not yet ready to approach my GP to request a referral as I get tearful even thinking about it and it would be an awful waste of their time for me to take such help right now- I want to connect to other people who suffer the same condition and hear their experiences etc.
Are there any online support groups specifically for this condition? Since I never planned upon having children, I have never had to try and address this fear before and googling has turned up nothing particularly helpful.
All replies greatly appreciated.
I have been with my partner for about 5 years (we are both approaching 30), but recently he has expressed an interest in starting a family in a few years time.
The problem is I have never wanted children and suffer from a serious fear of pregnancy so even if I wanted them, I am not sure I could go through with a pregnancy. My fear is so bad that even being around a pregnant women I begin to suffer "sympathy pains" (back ache, stomach cramps, dizziness/sickness etc) or anxiety attacks.
To be clear I am not about to have a child just to please my partner, but I dont want my fear to rule out us having them if we *both* decide its something we want in the future.
I have read that Cognitive Therapy can help with this condition, but I am not yet ready to approach my GP to request a referral as I get tearful even thinking about it and it would be an awful waste of their time for me to take such help right now- I want to connect to other people who suffer the same condition and hear their experiences etc.
Are there any online support groups specifically for this condition? Since I never planned upon having children, I have never had to try and address this fear before and googling has turned up nothing particularly helpful.
All replies greatly appreciated.
Hi Ninarocks00, I am in the SAME situation as you, do you have facebook or msn, we can talk about it!!!! Thanks.
Does anybody know of any support groups for this that are not online? I think it would help to connect in a real world manner.
Tried counseling, drugs, and finally after 4 years, told my husband the ugly truth. He said I ruined his life when it was clear he wanted biological children. Gave divorce papers but he wouldn't sign them.
What I learned and hope others can learn - don't lie to yourself nor try to convince yourself. I've known since I was 8 years old and never grew out of it. The fear actually grew worse. However, going through the steps of counseling individually, couples, and drugs has allowed me to exhaust all avenues. Without guilt, I gave it my best try. My husband and I are still struggling but at least I'm no longer hiding my fear and the "fights" are mediated by a 3rd party to help us arrive at a mutual understanding.
I think surrogate might be next option and then adoption. My best advice is to try all therapy avenues until you honestly feel you gave it your best efforts. Then make decisions if having children is still something wanted. Being a mother is an option. The "how" is your choice based on your research, level of commitment and desire to really truly have children.
What I learned and hope others can learn - don't lie to yourself nor try to convince yourself. I've known since I was 8 years old and never grew out of it. The fear actually grew worse. However, going through the steps of counseling individually, couples, and drugs has allowed me to exhaust all avenues. Without guilt, I gave it my best try. My husband and I are still struggling but at least I'm no longer hiding my fear and the "fights" are mediated by a 3rd party to help us arrive at a mutual understanding.
I think surrogate might be next option and then adoption. My best advice is to try all therapy avenues until you honestly feel you gave it your best efforts. Then make decisions if having children is still something wanted. Being a mother is an option. The "how" is your choice based on your research, level of commitment and desire to really truly have children.
Have you considered surrogacy? It's expensive and a huge headache, but that could satisfy the husband's desire for "his own biological children."
So much of what you said rings true for me too. Your partner has to be made to understand that it's not just an issue of "I don't want to do this." Especially if this kind of feeling has been powerful enough in the past to cause you to cut and/or consider suicide, then it's an issue of safety. If there's a risk that body-horror will overwhelm you at some point and you'll run for a kitchen knife, then it's not safe for you to carry a pregnancy. And if you can't do it safely, you shouldn't do it. Hurting yourself or a baby would be the worst possible outcome.
So much of what you said rings true for me too. Your partner has to be made to understand that it's not just an issue of "I don't want to do this." Especially if this kind of feeling has been powerful enough in the past to cause you to cut and/or consider suicide, then it's an issue of safety. If there's a risk that body-horror will overwhelm you at some point and you'll run for a kitchen knife, then it's not safe for you to carry a pregnancy. And if you can't do it safely, you shouldn't do it. Hurting yourself or a baby would be the worst possible outcome.
there seems to be 2 very different types of people here.
1) people with an extreme fear of getting pregnant
2) people who HATE children.
personally the second type really makes me sad. just watch the news about all the babies being killed by their mothers and i wonder if these are the types that would do such a thing. first of all, you would NOT be here had your mother felt the same way. if pregnancy is not your thing then don't get pregnant, but to spew such hatred towards babies and children is really sad
when i was young i NEVER wanted children either. moved in with my future husband when i was 14 (very abusive childhood and left the second i got a chance) and when i was 15 i became pregnant. the second i did it was NOT about me anymore. God put life in me. the fear never really went away it was just that it wasn't about ME anymore.
that kicked my fear. even with subsequent pregnancies i still had that fear and it got worse the closer it was time to give birth, but once again.........it wasn't about me.
it did not mutilate my body. i have zero stretch marks
just letting you know that if you have a genuine fear of pregnancy, it is not impossible to have a child.
if you have such hatred towards children............. do the world a favor and never have one
1) people with an extreme fear of getting pregnant
2) people who HATE children.
personally the second type really makes me sad. just watch the news about all the babies being killed by their mothers and i wonder if these are the types that would do such a thing. first of all, you would NOT be here had your mother felt the same way. if pregnancy is not your thing then don't get pregnant, but to spew such hatred towards babies and children is really sad
when i was young i NEVER wanted children either. moved in with my future husband when i was 14 (very abusive childhood and left the second i got a chance) and when i was 15 i became pregnant. the second i did it was NOT about me anymore. God put life in me. the fear never really went away it was just that it wasn't about ME anymore.
that kicked my fear. even with subsequent pregnancies i still had that fear and it got worse the closer it was time to give birth, but once again.........it wasn't about me.
it did not mutilate my body. i have zero stretch marks
just letting you know that if you have a genuine fear of pregnancy, it is not impossible to have a child.
if you have such hatred towards children............. do the world a favor and never have one
I totally understand! I'm 23 similar situation just keep in mins if it ever happened you could secretly abort you wouldn't have to carry to term so no need to kill yourself
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