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Primary Tokophobia (fear of pregnancy)- support groups?
Hello everyone,
I have been with my partner for about 5 years (we are both approaching 30), but recently he has expressed an interest in starting a family in a few years time.
The problem is I have never wanted children and suffer from a serious fear of pregnancy so even if I wanted them, I am not sure I could go through with a pregnancy. My fear is so bad that even being around a pregnant women I begin to suffer "sympathy pains" (back ache, stomach cramps, dizziness/sickness etc) or anxiety attacks.
To be clear I am not about to have a child just to please my partner, but I dont want my fear to rule out us having them if we *both* decide its something we want in the future.
I have read that Cognitive Therapy can help with this condition, but I am not yet ready to approach my GP to request a referral as I get tearful even thinking about it and it would be an awful waste of their time for me to take such help right now- I want to connect to other people who suffer the same condition and hear their experiences etc.
Are there any online support groups specifically for this condition? Since I never planned upon having children, I have never had to try and address this fear before and googling has turned up nothing particularly helpful.
All replies greatly appreciated.
I have been with my partner for about 5 years (we are both approaching 30), but recently he has expressed an interest in starting a family in a few years time.
The problem is I have never wanted children and suffer from a serious fear of pregnancy so even if I wanted them, I am not sure I could go through with a pregnancy. My fear is so bad that even being around a pregnant women I begin to suffer "sympathy pains" (back ache, stomach cramps, dizziness/sickness etc) or anxiety attacks.
To be clear I am not about to have a child just to please my partner, but I dont want my fear to rule out us having them if we *both* decide its something we want in the future.
I have read that Cognitive Therapy can help with this condition, but I am not yet ready to approach my GP to request a referral as I get tearful even thinking about it and it would be an awful waste of their time for me to take such help right now- I want to connect to other people who suffer the same condition and hear their experiences etc.
Are there any online support groups specifically for this condition? Since I never planned upon having children, I have never had to try and address this fear before and googling has turned up nothing particularly helpful.
All replies greatly appreciated.
I have the same problem as the rest of you. I am extremely terrified at even the thought of pregnancy. Every aspect of it. Gaining weight, morning sickness, stretch marks, vaginal birth. All of these things disgust me and freak me out but really they are the things that I have been telling people that I don't want to happen to me to kind of cover my true feelings. But the real problem is that the idea of having something inside of me taking over my body and changing my body and making all of this crazy stuff happen terrifies me more than anything else I could ever imagine. It happens with other things too. I experimented with a few drugs and alcohol as a teenager and every time I tried them I would freak out and go into this crazy state of fear and anxiety and I just didn't understand, like why do all the other kids think this is fun? This isn't fun at all this is the most scared I have ever felt in my entire life. I would just be asking my friends how long until this stuff wears off?? And now I am too scared to even use the laughing gas at the dentist because I am afraid it will take me to that place in my mind of feeling like something is inside of me taking control over my body. It is my greatest fear. And I just know that is how pregnancy would feel to me. 9 months of counting down the minutes until it is finally out of me and I finally have control over my body again. Sometimes I imagine what would happen if I accidentally got pregnant somehow, and I imagine myself looking at the little pregnancy test stick and just freaking out and then ending up in like a mental hospital screaming and begging for them to get it out of me.
Growing up in my family and the religion I was raised in having children was not really an option, it was an expectation. You grow up, you get married, you have kids. I never really was taught anything different, so of course as a young girl I always thought about things like what I would name them, and how many I would want, and what I thought they would look like. I never had a problem with kids or with pregnancy or the thought of it until I was a teenager because that's when I really started to think about what it would be like to be pregnant.
I think that I know where my intense fear of having no control over my body came from. I had a very rough time with puberty. I know that it sounds stupid because every single human being has to go through it, but just something about it was very traumatic for me. When I was about 7 years old my parents took me into my bedroom and told me I was going to start growing breasts soon and that I needed to start wearing a bra. And that soon I would be going through puberty and getting a period and what not. I just was scared because I didn't want any of those things. My mom bought me some bras and said I had to wear them. I remember trying it on and wearing it around the house for a couple hours and then taking it off because I didn't like how it felt. I felt like people would see the straps under my shirt. Somehow wearing it just gave me this creepy feeling and it made me so uncomfortable and I just had this feeling of violation. Anyways it became a huge fight between me and my parents. They tried to force me to wear it for years and I reacted by dressing in full boys clothing. Every once in a while I would try it on again and then immediately take it off. Anytime anyone would even mention the word "bra" I would cry. I still don't know what exactly the problem was, it just gave me this horrible uncomfortable anxiety, like all the men were looking at me cause I was wearing a bra or something. Anyways when I actually reached puberty and my body started changing I got really depressed and cut myself everyday for years. I thought about suicide often. It took me years to get over this depression.
I am very scared about how to deal with my tokophobia. I have someone whom I love very much and would do anything to make him happy. Anything that is within my realm of capability and I honestly feel that pregnancy may not be within that. We have talked about it and he said he would basically be heart broken if he couldn't have his own biological children. I am perfectly willing to adopt, but he makes it seem like he isn't really that interested in that. I feel like he is treating me like I have a choice, and I really feel like I don't. I just keep telling him that I want to, but I can't. And he still doesn't understand. I just wish he knew how it felt. I don't even know if it would be safe for me to get pregnant considering my previous experience with my body changing, and puberty doesn't even seem as drastic as a pregnancy would be. What if I got really depressed again and did something to hurt myself or the baby?
I just don't know what to do.
Growing up in my family and the religion I was raised in having children was not really an option, it was an expectation. You grow up, you get married, you have kids. I never really was taught anything different, so of course as a young girl I always thought about things like what I would name them, and how many I would want, and what I thought they would look like. I never had a problem with kids or with pregnancy or the thought of it until I was a teenager because that's when I really started to think about what it would be like to be pregnant.
I think that I know where my intense fear of having no control over my body came from. I had a very rough time with puberty. I know that it sounds stupid because every single human being has to go through it, but just something about it was very traumatic for me. When I was about 7 years old my parents took me into my bedroom and told me I was going to start growing breasts soon and that I needed to start wearing a bra. And that soon I would be going through puberty and getting a period and what not. I just was scared because I didn't want any of those things. My mom bought me some bras and said I had to wear them. I remember trying it on and wearing it around the house for a couple hours and then taking it off because I didn't like how it felt. I felt like people would see the straps under my shirt. Somehow wearing it just gave me this creepy feeling and it made me so uncomfortable and I just had this feeling of violation. Anyways it became a huge fight between me and my parents. They tried to force me to wear it for years and I reacted by dressing in full boys clothing. Every once in a while I would try it on again and then immediately take it off. Anytime anyone would even mention the word "bra" I would cry. I still don't know what exactly the problem was, it just gave me this horrible uncomfortable anxiety, like all the men were looking at me cause I was wearing a bra or something. Anyways when I actually reached puberty and my body started changing I got really depressed and cut myself everyday for years. I thought about suicide often. It took me years to get over this depression.
I am very scared about how to deal with my tokophobia. I have someone whom I love very much and would do anything to make him happy. Anything that is within my realm of capability and I honestly feel that pregnancy may not be within that. We have talked about it and he said he would basically be heart broken if he couldn't have his own biological children. I am perfectly willing to adopt, but he makes it seem like he isn't really that interested in that. I feel like he is treating me like I have a choice, and I really feel like I don't. I just keep telling him that I want to, but I can't. And he still doesn't understand. I just wish he knew how it felt. I don't even know if it would be safe for me to get pregnant considering my previous experience with my body changing, and puberty doesn't even seem as drastic as a pregnancy would be. What if I got really depressed again and did something to hurt myself or the baby?
I just don't know what to do.
My husband, too, at first thought I would "get past" it somehow. When he saw me (multiple times) break down and freak out at even *imagining* it when we talked, though, he eventually accepted that it was so fundamentally unacceptable to me that there would be no way for me to do it safely. We ended up opting for surrogacy instead. Maybe yours will come around?
I can't understand men who give us a hard time about feeling this way. I guarantee THEY would freak out if some creature started sickening and deforming them, shoving their internal organs out of the way to make living space for itself...and they were told "no no you should love this process!!"
I can't understand men who give us a hard time about feeling this way. I guarantee THEY would freak out if some creature started sickening and deforming them, shoving their internal organs out of the way to make living space for itself...and they were told "no no you should love this process!!"
I am also relieved I have found this page. I have had a morbid fear of pregnancy and childbirth all my life. I can take it back to seeing a TV programme in the Seventies in which a woman was giving birth - I would have been about 4/5 years old at the time. I remember being absolutely terrified. This was followed by a seeing a large colour photograph of an unborn foetus in an Encyclopedia given to me around the age of 10 This left me so traumatised that my mother had to throw the book in the bin and I did not sleep well for years after. I am now 44 and have never in my life had any desire to be a mother. I am repulsed by anything to do with pregnancy, be it on the TV or in real life. Being next to a pregnant woman makes me anxious and sick and I have to avoid all conversations about it. As you can imagine, most of my family and friends have had children but I have little or no interest in them regardless of their age. I am regarded as a freak of nature, Ive been called heartless and cold. None of these descriptions are accurate but they are applied to me because women and most men simply cannot understand my life choice. Fortunately I have a wonderful partner who has been with me for 24 years and has never once questioned my decision. My true friends never question my decision - they try and understand as best they can. I am very lucky. I would never ever be nasty to a child or wish them harm in any way ...but I just have no interest at all. Dealing with this phobia is a daily struggle and it helps so much to know there are other women out there like me.
Wow, I am so happy that this topic is being discussed, I to have a fear of pregnancy and child labor. I feel that both are very unpleasant, and I don't want to suffer the consequences of either. Many people ask me that if the time comes and I get married that I would change my mind. I'm sorry but if being pregnant and giving birth is part of his agenda I will have to leave the relationship all together.
I too have issues being around pregnant women, they look uncomfortable, unhealthy and simply sick. I often say that pregnancy is a 9 month long flu. Truth is I would love to be part of the group but I am not interested in changing my mind. I’ll be 30 next week and have been this way is middle school. I could go on for days on this topic but it would simply discuss me.
On a lighter note I took it upon myself at the age of 25 to get my tubes tied. I spoke with my doctor who approved the procedure who then sent me to psychologist to make sure that I was making the right decision. This is the law here in the United States for individuals under 30 something with less than 2 children and not married. The only hard part about the procedure is that you have to find a doctor who is willing to do it. I must admit, I got lucky. The only bad part about the procedure is that before I went under anesthesia the hospital staff kept asking me if I was sure. The nurse who was trying to put my IV in actually told me that I was making a mistake. When I told he I wasn't this B***H actually was infuriated with me. Other that the procedure went well, I woke up groggy while being the happiest person on earth at the same time.
I personally do not feel that fear of pregnancy is abnormal. We are just being truthful to ourselves, the s**t is horrible. Most women hate going through this and only a hand full will admit it. I don’t want to be in a room full of strangers (doctors and nurses) with my legs spread wide open in serious pain while something pops out of my privet area. Second nausea for a few months, some women the whole pregnancy seems like torture. Third, cuts, stitches, torn skin, the possibility of hemorrhoids, depression, and c-section along with issues using the rest room aren't pleasant in the slightest.
I too have issues being around pregnant women, they look uncomfortable, unhealthy and simply sick. I often say that pregnancy is a 9 month long flu. Truth is I would love to be part of the group but I am not interested in changing my mind. I’ll be 30 next week and have been this way is middle school. I could go on for days on this topic but it would simply discuss me.
On a lighter note I took it upon myself at the age of 25 to get my tubes tied. I spoke with my doctor who approved the procedure who then sent me to psychologist to make sure that I was making the right decision. This is the law here in the United States for individuals under 30 something with less than 2 children and not married. The only hard part about the procedure is that you have to find a doctor who is willing to do it. I must admit, I got lucky. The only bad part about the procedure is that before I went under anesthesia the hospital staff kept asking me if I was sure. The nurse who was trying to put my IV in actually told me that I was making a mistake. When I told he I wasn't this B***H actually was infuriated with me. Other that the procedure went well, I woke up groggy while being the happiest person on earth at the same time.
I personally do not feel that fear of pregnancy is abnormal. We are just being truthful to ourselves, the s**t is horrible. Most women hate going through this and only a hand full will admit it. I don’t want to be in a room full of strangers (doctors and nurses) with my legs spread wide open in serious pain while something pops out of my privet area. Second nausea for a few months, some women the whole pregnancy seems like torture. Third, cuts, stitches, torn skin, the possibility of hemorrhoids, depression, and c-section along with issues using the rest room aren't pleasant in the slightest.
Sorry for all the typos.
I am so glad I found this group. I have been absolutely terrified and utterly disgusted by all things pregnancy for as long as I can remember. Any time I ever shared these feelings, people tell me it will change when I'm “ready." Well, I am 28 and married, and the older I get the worse it gets. People seem to think I'm weird or crazy because of how I feel, but I haven't shared everything, or they would think I'm insane for sure. I cannot stand the thought of ever being pregnant even though I do really like kids. The idea of getting fat and gross, having something live inside you that you can't control freaks me out completely. Why does everyone think it's so wonderful to feel babies kick? I think it creepy and disgusting! Something is beating you from the inside! The idea of regular gyn appointments are stressful enough to me, I can't imagine going all the time, being prodded and poked, and seeing different doctors, not knowing who you'll wind up with when you deliver. I have nightmares of giving birth and of delivering others babies. A couple nights ago I one a dream so vivid about delivering a friend's child that I gagged in my sleep and woke up. Swollen ankles scares me. The thought of having a bunch of strangers holding my legs in the air as my lady parts as exposed and torn to pieces makes me want to run away and never look back. I recently heard from an nurse friend that women pooping themselves is apparently “normal" in the obgyn world. That is NOT normal, people. That horrible and demeaning. Why do you have to be so careful of what you eat (sushi for instance), but you can birth the baby in blood and ****? So many women, my friends and family even, act like I am crazy and it's a horrible thing that I hate breast feeding. I think it's disgusting, sounds painful, and weird. I don't even enjoy my husband messing with my nipples, why would I want my child to suck on them? That seems a bit incestual to me. I know that it is not actually incest, but it creeps me out completely. My husband thinks I'm just exaggerating, but he knew when he married me how I felt, to a certain extent, but he thought he could change my mind. I know this isn't normal and I wish I wasn't this way. I'm pretty sure I'll end up alone if I can't overcome it, but the only counseling I've seen for tokophobia has been in Thr UK, not the US. :(
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