Primary Tokophobia (fear of pregnancy)- support groups?

[ratherUnhappyLady]

Hello everyone,

I have been with my partner for about 5 years (we are both approaching 30), but recently he has expressed an interest in starting a family in a few years time.

The problem is I have never wanted children and suffer from a serious fear of pregnancy so even if I wanted them, I am not sure I could go through with a pregnancy. My fear is so bad that even being around a pregnant women I begin to suffer "sympathy pains" (back ache, stomach cramps, dizziness/sickness etc) or anxiety attacks.

To be clear I am not about to have a child just to please my partner, but I dont want my fear to rule out us having them if we *both* decide its something we want in the future.

I have read that Cognitive Therapy can help with this condition, but I am not yet ready to approach my GP to request a referral as I get tearful even thinking about it and it would be an awful waste of their time for me to take such help right now- I want to connect to other people who suffer the same condition and hear their experiences etc.

Are there any online support groups specifically for this condition? Since I never planned upon having children, I have never had to try and address this fear before and googling has turned up nothing particularly helpful.

All replies greatly appreciated.

[natyoun]

I am 24, and I have this...My mom almost died in childbirth with my sister and when my older sister was about to have her baby she was bleeding everywhere. I have been terrified of this since I was little. I found out in late November I am pregnant. I am a hot mess.

[Jayne10]

I'm in the exact same boat. I'm 27 and for as long as I can remember I never desired to have children one day. The idea of getting pregnant and having kids feels like a prison or death sentence to me. I fear a lot of things from my body changing, it wiggling around inside me (kicking), labour pains, blood, being ripped in two, the constant screaming and never being left alone for a second, and breast feeding.
I don't even like kids and never got on with them. I want a quiet life and knowing that will all change once I have kids.

I do get frustrated because no one understands and I fear I'll forever be alone. A relationship will inevitably end if you and your partner want different things, especially having a family or not one day. I recently dated the guy of my dreams, who was very vocal about wanting to be a father one day and loves his nephews. He is very broody. At the back of my head I knew this relationship would never last. He even asked how I felt about kids to which I replied with "I'm ambivalent"... Anyway, I really wish I was normal and like everyone else, not some freak. I can't even watch movies with birth scenes without feeling like I'm going to vomit and have panic attacks. I feel faint when I hear my friends talk about their experiences.  I wonder if I'll ever be normal or actually meet a guy who doesn't want kids either, but that is very hard to find.. They don't have to do all the leg work!!

[indigodragon]

I feel exactly the same (especially the first 3 posts). I live in the UK. I have the problem my boyfriend never considered not having kids until he feel in love with me and he gets so upset about the concept of choosing between us we can't effectively talk about it, I feel so bad it hurts him so much. I've never liked babies. I can't even look a baby in the face and like to be at least 1 metre away from them at all times, and hate the noise. They all look like aliens to me. So there is no way I can even think about carrying one inside me. I feel like the only person I know who feels like this, everyone thinks I'm a freak. I have never really liked kids even though I used to child-sit for friends because I can treat them as adults. the many years I went off children completely. In the last 2 years I had a boyfriend that had 2 kids (3 & 4 years) and started to try to face fears and communicate with them. So my boyfriend I'm with now of 1 and half years has 5 year old niece that I get on with now that I have faced that fear but he is pretty clever for his age, anything younger I don't like, any'thing' 'without a brain' is how I put it. I have tried cognitive therapy for other anxietys I have, not terribly successful but helps I guess. I don't think it can help with this though. So far all I have said to my current boyfriend is that I will try to get over it so we can maybe have a surrogate but thinking of having 'it', a baby, in my house terrifies me.

[StorkPlease]

I am so glad it's not just me.  

I'm 29, married, love kids and have always wanted some...  but the idea of pregnancy is abhorrent and deeply revolting to me.   Earlier in my life, when I said things like "pregnancy grosses me out!" everyone assured me that that would change someday, and I would know when I was "ready."  Well, I'm ready for kids now, have been for months at least, but the thought of letting some alien parasite live inside my body is still not something I can deal with.  I get sick and upset just thinking about it.  

I've had nightmares several times where I'm looking in a mirror and suddenly see that I'm pregnant, and in the dream I immediately run screaming for a knife.  I can't imagine not doing that in real life - I literally can't envision trying to go about my business violated and hijacked in that way.  I think I would panic and freak out and do violence.

Family members have suggested things like meditation or willpower or counseling, and that always makes me feel upset and sorta betrayed - what I think is: you're telling me you *want* me to try and allow this disgusting self-stealing thing to happen to me??  Do you not value me at all?

So I tell them I'm going to look into therapy options, but that's a lie.  My revulsion at the thought of being unable to eat and sleep and feel normally *because there's some creature nesting in me* is so deep-seated that any successful "therapy" would amount to brainwashing: making a fundamental change in me that I don't want.  

I think my family is just going to have to accept it.  (Husband's mostly on board already, thank God.  Says he's willing to look into surrogacy or adoption if I "can't get past this.")  

I'm just very glad to see I'm not alone in this.  Most people are not very understanding.

[lexy12350]

Hi, i'm really glad I've found this. I'm slightly different, I had a daughter at 18. I'm not 27 and married, my husband is desperate to have one of his own although he is my daughters 'Dad' in every way apart from DNA. Her sperm donor, as I like to think of him, has no interest whatsoever. I am petrified of going through it all again, it was horrific the first time round and I've blocked out the first 2 and a half years of her life due to my serious depression and being on my own.

I'm looking for some help to get over this fear, i'm not against having another child but the thought of carrying it and labour and birth make me feel physically sick and often scared to the point of tears.  If anyone has found anything that helped I would love to give it a try. I also found out recently that I have endometriosis which means I can't put it off much longer without risking becoming infertile!  I hope some of you have managed to find help! Thanks in advance for any help!

[lostallhope]

I'm in Canada too.
I've tried counselling twice.. it didnt help me. I already have really horrific videos, pictures and stories of horror births lodged into my brain.
I dont mind trying counselling again. But i think it would mainly help to divert my mind, ease my depression, tolerate other pregnant women around,etc. I doubt it can help rid this fear completely.

I keep equating birth with someone stabbing my vagina with a knife repeatedly, then tearing it apart, slicing me...for hours.. and me not ever passing out from the pain and bleeding, but being conscious ...screaming, yelling, suffering...UGGH. Sorry, i got into graphic details.
But i feel like i'm the only "logical" person out there. Who wouldn't fear something horrendous like that.