Anyone else feeling NOT supported by spouse, partner, bf, etc?

[megryan]

I've not been feeling supported through my entire pregnancy. Yes, we wanted a baby- took two years and have lost 3 babies ... (sorry this is long.)

Not only does he just keep quiet- but when he does talk about the baby/pregnancy- it is all negative.  These are things like: I am not the baby's daddy, who are you cheating with, our kid is going to be retarded, your plan is to get this baby and then leave me ... He has said he does it to make me mad and will stop, but he continues to say a few of the things.

Last night, I told him how I was feeling- not supported. I told him that when I don't feel well (as last night I vomited) it would be nice if he would offer to do something ... rather than just tell me how I have gone through this before- I should be used to it. He said he does- I asked him what he does to make me feel supported. He says he likes to cuddle with me a few minutes in bed each morning. That's nice and appreciated- but maybe you could ask me sometimes if there is something I need- that you could do for me. He rolls over and goes to sleep at that point- mumbles hold me.

He also tries to talk me into doing things that I CAN NOT/should not do now that I am preggo- like take a motorcycle ride on his racing bike. (These can be 5 hr rides sometimes.) OR play a sport  that I used to play (which is a total guy sport and extremely rough.) And so I go and watch him. OR lift heavy equipment for his "business." He actually "docked" my pay (got half) because of this- and not doing a few other things.

He has not been to any appts with me ... but says wants to go on my next- sonogram. (He had even forgotten about it.) So I told him that I really would love him there- to be happy for us and supportive. BUT if he is going to NOT support me- and NOT be happy and bring up all this negative stuff- then I would rather he stay home.

I have children with me ex and I was always alone in everything. My honeymoon night- he feel alseep and slept all night (hangover.)  All the births of my babies- alone and done naturally. He never got up at night- although he was not working and I was very sick- almost died. He never changed a diaper. (And I had to use cloth and with a broken arm.) So I was really hoping that this would be different. He knows all this.

I would like to think that he will come around. I leave my baby books out. I try to include him in everything- but he doesn't even listen/remember.

And yes, I do tons for him and his teenager. It just really hurts me.

Thanks for all the support I get here.  Any help/suggestions appreciated. :)

[TreeFrog7]

Hi Meg,

On the basis of what you've told us, it is clear that you are being set up by these people to feel miserable. Men like your partner are often very close to a member of their biological family, and sometimes work as a team with them. This sounds like your partner and his mom.

It all sounds very crummy, but the worst part of your story is that when the issue of your partner's children came up, the fact that you were expecting wasn't even mentioned. I can't help but say that it sounds like these people get their kicks from devaluing you. I expect if you wrote about all of it it would fill a book!

I encourage you to get counselling and tell all this to a professional who can give you some emotional support and advice. Look up Counselling Services in your phone book - you might find some that are community-sponsored or have a free first consultation. Telling others about your situation - just like you are doing here - will help you get some perspective and plan for the future.

Best wishes, and write all you want to us!
~Wendy

[megryan]

I just wanted to say thank u to everyone.

I had a very bad day yesterday. I was up just about all night. It is a very long story...

Had a funeral yesterday for close relative of my partner on his mom's side.

Basically I had to put up with the woman he cheated on me with being at the funeral for quite some time. Partner's mom invited her. It really hurts me- as I did alot to help out. I got the deceased person's outfit together- and make a huge photo collage that probably took me 8-9 hours (like a big scarpbook page- three foldable sections.) And yes- the mom knows- as she was on the trip- to the very special place of he and I (so I thought) that he cheated on me at. I met her a few times after this- and he always introduced her as a friend- but she was always rude to me- and he denied sleeping with her. Still insists that although he slept with X, Y, and Z after asking me to marry him- he did not with her- a former gf. Well, I saw pics from this trip- one hotel suite- them in the hot tub- her in the bed ... pics with arms around each other. (Alot of lies I won't get into.)

Anyhow- I have tried to be forgiving of his mom who has really hurt me in the past- allowing teen to steal from me and destroy my property while she was at my home with him- and then telling me how she kept quiet about it for days- and just let us find out. Then even after that, when I had her to a big dinner with she, my partner's two teens and my child- (my partner was not at as he lfet at last minute to meet a friend) the first thing she says t the table is how "here I am here and I have company at my house and I should be ..." Company was the woman I mentioned above- and so teens want gma to take them and see her. She left her car at her place when she went to the airport. So teen s wanna hurry that they don't miss her. Maybe I am too sensitive- but it hurt me that she would say that. My child also felt hurt.

I was also hurt- as partner was asked by a few people if he had any other children- and they joked how that was probably enough for him and they were sure he would not want anymore now or in the future. I wanted to just say- SURPRISE- but I kept quiet.

I guess I thought things would be different with his mom. We went through the photo albums for hours- and I just kept telling myself to be guarded- as I guess I feel like I know better. Then yesterday ...

I feel like my partner is not supportive- I couldn't find him when she was there at the funeral- and the whole thing made me physically sick to my stomach. I finally found him with his mom.

Last night when we were alone in bed- I told partner how I was feeling. Partner thinks I should just get over everything- move on- yet I feel like this kinda thing is a constant reminder. Amazing thing is that as she and I went through the photos-  many of the photos in the albums could not be used- as they were reminders of some potential infidelity of the deceased. So I told my partner- what if I would have invited this person to the funeral or used those photos- do you think the spouse- family- should just move on and get over it? Partner is mad I would even tell him this as it is 11:30 pm and he has to work next morning. Says I did it on purpose to keep him up and make him miserable.

When I finally went to sleep ... I had a dream that partner's mom was having son steal from our bedroom again- but this time it was like an episode of "Supermarket Sweep." How awful is that...

Are there people in your life that bring you no happiness and you just want to cut them out? I don't even want to go to family functions anymore- as this has happened before. I guess I just at least wanted some understanding from my partner ... and a heads up from the both of them.

Thanks so much for letting me go on with the long vent. Pregnancy hormones make me nuts sometimes ... :)

[rubyinparadise]

Good call on the BPD and NPD links as well. Those of us who were raised with parents with Borderline or Narcissistic personality disorders are also more prone to find ourselves in relationships with those kinds of people, because to us it feels "normal". But on the flip side, we can use our experience to recognize them, once we know what to look for. I'm reading a great book right now called Boundaries. It's more of a "review" since I did about 9 years of therapy already (which is a ton of hard work!), but I feel like I must check in from time to time since my overwhelming predisposition is towards being extremely accomodating.

As Suz suggested, it's something that we have to take into our own hands by getting help for ourselves first & foremost. That way we'll have the wherewithal to get out of these kinds of relationships and recognize toxic people going forward. Sometimes I still struggle to recognize the difference between a man with a healthy sense of entitlement (my husband ;)), and one who will take and take to the point of being abusive. It's just something I think I will always have to work with, since I was never taught boundaries and had to start creating my own in my late 20s/early 30s.

megryan and teachnz, thinking of you and wanting the best for you!

[SuzM]

Good morning Meg. I`m really glad my interpretation of your situation didn`t make you uncomfortable!  :)   I`d like to know how long this has been going on and how you are holding up. Things to watch for in yourself are things like withdrawing from other people, signs of depression and anxiety, fatigue, emotional outbursts, guilt. It`s tough enough to shoulder this kind of thing alone anytime but it must be especially tough now because of  your pregnancy and remember none of us know who you really are so you can be perfectly honest on here about what`s going on. I`m concerned about you.

[TreeFrog7]

Oh - and big HUGS to megryan and teachnz!

[TreeFrog7]

Hi!

I do agree whole heartedly with SuzM. I would have responded sooner - but the thought that I was right just made me so sad that I waited for someone else to say it (wimp). I have experienced this type of relationship first-hand. It is a one-way road to emotional exhaustion and possible breakdown.

There is indeed a personality type that is, as Suz points out, "unintentionally targetted" by this type of person (your partner). We tend to be caring, nurturing types, who will carry all the emotional weight of the relationship on our own shoulders, hoping that our love will make the other person secure and happy. However, after a time we must recognize that the way they treat us is not circumstantial, but simply the way they are. They cannot change, and see no need to. In psychological terms, they are said to have personality issues, or even personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcississtic Personality Disorder. Google these terms and you may see an eerily familiar pacture.

The abusive individuals themselves do not see themselves as in need of help. They feel the problem (if they admit there is one) is with everybody else. However, it is they themselves who often cannot hold onto relationships, jobs, or residences - or who have frequent angry or abusive outbursts, or engage in subtle undermining of their partner's security, safety or self-esteem.

Not a pretty picture, unfortunately. And the insideous thing is that it can leave us exhausted and even depressed, as we constantly try to "make things right again". So, as Suz says, it's important for the VICTIM to get counselling, which will address present issues as well as self-esteem matters that may lead one into repeated relationships with such partners.

Because, yepp, megryan, you are a victim - and it's admirable that you want to make the best of things and not whine, and make your partner and his son happy - but it's too much, and you will soon be threatening the well-being of your new child. You've taken a good first step by telling this forum about it - and I hope you will soon take the next step of getting professional advice.

It's a big challenge - I've been there! - so please keep in touch and tell us how things are! Although Suz and I see it the way we do and hope you get yourself some help, no one will be critical of how fast you do it - because we know it's a hard spot you're in.

Take care,
~Wendy