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Anyone else feeling NOT supported by spouse, partner, bf, etc?
I've not been feeling supported through my entire pregnancy. Yes, we wanted a baby- took two years and have lost 3 babies ... (sorry this is long.)
Not only does he just keep quiet- but when he does talk about the baby/pregnancy- it is all negative. These are things like: I am not the baby's daddy, who are you cheating with, our kid is going to be retarded, your plan is to get this baby and then leave me ... He has said he does it to make me mad and will stop, but he continues to say a few of the things.
Last night, I told him how I was feeling- not supported. I told him that when I don't feel well (as last night I vomited) it would be nice if he would offer to do something ... rather than just tell me how I have gone through this before- I should be used to it. He said he does- I asked him what he does to make me feel supported. He says he likes to cuddle with me a few minutes in bed each morning. That's nice and appreciated- but maybe you could ask me sometimes if there is something I need- that you could do for me. He rolls over and goes to sleep at that point- mumbles hold me.
He also tries to talk me into doing things that I CAN NOT/should not do now that I am preggo- like take a motorcycle ride on his racing bike. (These can be 5 hr rides sometimes.) OR play a sport that I used to play (which is a total guy sport and extremely rough.) And so I go and watch him. OR lift heavy equipment for his "business." He actually "docked" my pay (got half) because of this- and not doing a few other things.
He has not been to any appts with me ... but says wants to go on my next- sonogram. (He had even forgotten about it.) So I told him that I really would love him there- to be happy for us and supportive. BUT if he is going to NOT support me- and NOT be happy and bring up all this negative stuff- then I would rather he stay home.
I have children with me ex and I was always alone in everything. My honeymoon night- he feel alseep and slept all night (hangover.) All the births of my babies- alone and done naturally. He never got up at night- although he was not working and I was very sick- almost died. He never changed a diaper. (And I had to use cloth and with a broken arm.) So I was really hoping that this would be different. He knows all this.
I would like to think that he will come around. I leave my baby books out. I try to include him in everything- but he doesn't even listen/remember.
And yes, I do tons for him and his teenager. It just really hurts me.
Thanks for all the support I get here. Any help/suggestions appreciated. :)
Not only does he just keep quiet- but when he does talk about the baby/pregnancy- it is all negative. These are things like: I am not the baby's daddy, who are you cheating with, our kid is going to be retarded, your plan is to get this baby and then leave me ... He has said he does it to make me mad and will stop, but he continues to say a few of the things.
Last night, I told him how I was feeling- not supported. I told him that when I don't feel well (as last night I vomited) it would be nice if he would offer to do something ... rather than just tell me how I have gone through this before- I should be used to it. He said he does- I asked him what he does to make me feel supported. He says he likes to cuddle with me a few minutes in bed each morning. That's nice and appreciated- but maybe you could ask me sometimes if there is something I need- that you could do for me. He rolls over and goes to sleep at that point- mumbles hold me.
He also tries to talk me into doing things that I CAN NOT/should not do now that I am preggo- like take a motorcycle ride on his racing bike. (These can be 5 hr rides sometimes.) OR play a sport that I used to play (which is a total guy sport and extremely rough.) And so I go and watch him. OR lift heavy equipment for his "business." He actually "docked" my pay (got half) because of this- and not doing a few other things.
He has not been to any appts with me ... but says wants to go on my next- sonogram. (He had even forgotten about it.) So I told him that I really would love him there- to be happy for us and supportive. BUT if he is going to NOT support me- and NOT be happy and bring up all this negative stuff- then I would rather he stay home.
I have children with me ex and I was always alone in everything. My honeymoon night- he feel alseep and slept all night (hangover.) All the births of my babies- alone and done naturally. He never got up at night- although he was not working and I was very sick- almost died. He never changed a diaper. (And I had to use cloth and with a broken arm.) So I was really hoping that this would be different. He knows all this.
I would like to think that he will come around. I leave my baby books out. I try to include him in everything- but he doesn't even listen/remember.
And yes, I do tons for him and his teenager. It just really hurts me.
Thanks for all the support I get here. Any help/suggestions appreciated. :)
My dh goes to the doctor's with me, but i feel like he is totally unsupportive......I have been sick as a dog, and have slept in the bathroom several nights, only to be told go to bed you are blocking the bathroom (we only have one for our use).....
When I have had to stay home from work because the sickness has been so bad, he took off with his mother for hours at a time, leaving his cell phone at home, so that I had no one to look in if i got worse, and the doctor had said at the appointment to come in if i was having cramping or other problems, yet he left me with no car and no way to get ahold of him....
then yesterday i was sick with fever and he says all you do is sleep and lay around.....then had his mother start in withthe same lines....I hate being double teamed by him....
His ex and him have two kids but they are both adult age now, so it has been nearly 20 years since he had a pregnant wife.....but it frustrates me taht he has a lack of compassion....
to make my story short I sympathize.....I really do.....
When I have had to stay home from work because the sickness has been so bad, he took off with his mother for hours at a time, leaving his cell phone at home, so that I had no one to look in if i got worse, and the doctor had said at the appointment to come in if i was having cramping or other problems, yet he left me with no car and no way to get ahold of him....
then yesterday i was sick with fever and he says all you do is sleep and lay around.....then had his mother start in withthe same lines....I hate being double teamed by him....
His ex and him have two kids but they are both adult age now, so it has been nearly 20 years since he had a pregnant wife.....but it frustrates me taht he has a lack of compassion....
to make my story short I sympathize.....I really do.....
Yep- I agree with all teh above.
Actions do speak louder than words- so we'll see st the sonogram.
yesterday- he brought em a card and some candy for Sweetest Day. Card said that he will try and be more there for me. We'll see if that happens ... :) Thanks everyone. No one was harsh on me at all. :) I appreciate it.
Actions do speak louder than words- so we'll see st the sonogram.
yesterday- he brought em a card and some candy for Sweetest Day. Card said that he will try and be more there for me. We'll see if that happens ... :) Thanks everyone. No one was harsh on me at all. :) I appreciate it.
My dear lady, first off I'll warn you that you are going to hate my response and many on here may well too. When I was doing palliative care one of my senior co-workers was very hard on one of our clients. I was inexperienced and young at the time and just didn't get it so when she and I were alone I asked her why she was so mean about it. She said she couldn't help the client in their situation by being caring, she could only really help them with blunt honesty. This is what I'm going to give you but please understand that I'm doing it because I DO care, very much in fact.
First off, you aren't really asking help because your spouse is unsupportive. You are asking for help because he is extremely self motivated and using emotional abuse to try and control your thoughts and actions. The behaviors you are describing are not examples of cold feet, but a form of abuse. I'm guessing the signs were always there but in a milder form because when you weren't pregnant you could basically do what it was he wanted. I bet he treats you just fine when he is getting what he wants. Sometimes these guys will even treat you like a princess when they get things their way. The reasons I feel you are in an abusive situation are:
One: his comments about the baby and you are demeaning and highly insecure.
Two: he wants you to partake in activities that are potentially harmful to you and your baby simply because they suit his needs.
Three: he is already resorting to withholding cash to get his way.
Four: showing lack of interest in what you say and in your physical and emotional needs.
Five: your description of your first relationship suggests a pattern.
Six: his comments about you cheating on him or leaving him fit right in with the underlying insecurities that these men seem to have.
And yes, I bet you do treat him and his teenage son very well indeed because I would guess that you are a highly nurturing, giving person. Men like this unintentionally are drawn to women like that because they have such high demands and because more self-oriented women walk out on these guys with the first warning signs. The highly nurturing women make excuses for them, often feel sorry for them and want to protect them and care for them.
I SERIOUSLY hope that I am wrong in what I am saying and perhaps your post doesn't accurately describe the situation. But I'll say this, if I am right sweetie, it isn't just him that needs counselling (which won't even help him unless he sees the problem with himself and wants to fix it), but you should get some counselling too. Women in mentally abusive relationships are slowly beat down over time and start thinking they deserve it, or they are too needy or demanding because they want things differently and their self confidence and emotional well being degrades. This is partly why it becomes so difficult for them to fix it or leave. ESPECIALLY if they have no closeby familial support sytem. Also keep in mind, if he is the kind of guy that is only treating you well when things go his way, that it will be harder for him to control a youngster that needs loving guidance. Children who are emotionally demeaned by their parents suffer greatly. Do you think he will do this to your child? I'm sorry if I sound extreme here but those warning bells are going off like crazy in me. Ruby was dead right when she said you can't change him. We can only change ourselves. You ARE needy, Meg. But what you are needing is to be treated with basic respect and you are SUPPOSED to need that, and you are entitled to it. It's perfectly acceptable for you to feel needy at times. I hope with all my heart that things work out well for all of you.
Suz
First off, you aren't really asking help because your spouse is unsupportive. You are asking for help because he is extremely self motivated and using emotional abuse to try and control your thoughts and actions. The behaviors you are describing are not examples of cold feet, but a form of abuse. I'm guessing the signs were always there but in a milder form because when you weren't pregnant you could basically do what it was he wanted. I bet he treats you just fine when he is getting what he wants. Sometimes these guys will even treat you like a princess when they get things their way. The reasons I feel you are in an abusive situation are:
One: his comments about the baby and you are demeaning and highly insecure.
Two: he wants you to partake in activities that are potentially harmful to you and your baby simply because they suit his needs.
Three: he is already resorting to withholding cash to get his way.
Four: showing lack of interest in what you say and in your physical and emotional needs.
Five: your description of your first relationship suggests a pattern.
Six: his comments about you cheating on him or leaving him fit right in with the underlying insecurities that these men seem to have.
And yes, I bet you do treat him and his teenage son very well indeed because I would guess that you are a highly nurturing, giving person. Men like this unintentionally are drawn to women like that because they have such high demands and because more self-oriented women walk out on these guys with the first warning signs. The highly nurturing women make excuses for them, often feel sorry for them and want to protect them and care for them.
I SERIOUSLY hope that I am wrong in what I am saying and perhaps your post doesn't accurately describe the situation. But I'll say this, if I am right sweetie, it isn't just him that needs counselling (which won't even help him unless he sees the problem with himself and wants to fix it), but you should get some counselling too. Women in mentally abusive relationships are slowly beat down over time and start thinking they deserve it, or they are too needy or demanding because they want things differently and their self confidence and emotional well being degrades. This is partly why it becomes so difficult for them to fix it or leave. ESPECIALLY if they have no closeby familial support sytem. Also keep in mind, if he is the kind of guy that is only treating you well when things go his way, that it will be harder for him to control a youngster that needs loving guidance. Children who are emotionally demeaned by their parents suffer greatly. Do you think he will do this to your child? I'm sorry if I sound extreme here but those warning bells are going off like crazy in me. Ruby was dead right when she said you can't change him. We can only change ourselves. You ARE needy, Meg. But what you are needing is to be treated with basic respect and you are SUPPOSED to need that, and you are entitled to it. It's perfectly acceptable for you to feel needy at times. I hope with all my heart that things work out well for all of you.
Suz
"Immature" is the word that immediately sprang to mind as I read your description of your partner, as you said yourself. I am sorry for what you are going through. I think we all experience those moments where our partner seems really unsupportive or selfish or immature-- nobody is perfect. But if he is acting this way most of the time or all the time, that is really unfair to you to say the least. I hope you don't mind my giving you a blunt opinion, and please know that my intentions are truly for your best interests based on everything you're saying about this guy.
We cannot change men-- it's impossible. I watched my mom try for 30 years before finally giving up, and I dunno about you, but I am determined not to ever let that be me. It does not matter what a person says, it matters how their actions back up their deeds. Our grandmothers really were right when they said "Actions speak louder than words"-- so try to set aside whatever he's saying and watch closely what he does over the weeks and months ahead. His own actions should determine his own fate as far as whether or not he *gets* to be a part of your life and the baby's life.
It sounds like you already know this as well, because your ex was so unsupportive during your other pregnancies, and you're no longer with him anymore. The best thing you can do is put yourself and your baby first. You are right to think about hiring a doula and doing those things for yourself to make certain that you have the support that you need.
This man will either come around, or he won't. You are communicating to him what you need and want from him. He really should step up, but it's up to him. Maybe at the sonogram, he will "turn the corner" if he sees the baby and it all becomes more real to him. But if he does not, then you have some tough decisions to make.
YOU choose whether or not to keep this man in your life, and where to draw the line. As Courtcoop said, until he has crossed that line with you for good, you need to shield yourself from him emotionally and steer clear of all of his negative ****. Most of all, if he isn't ready, willing and able to be a good father, then you have a decision to make for yourself and your new baby. Only you get to choose how many chances or opportunities this man gets to do the right thing, but ultimately, doing the right thing is not optional for him. It might be different if it were just you, deciding whether to be with him or not. But now you are deciding for yourself and your baby.
I wish you the very best. I really hope he steps up. These choices are tough to make, but when I have had to make them in past relationships, even if they were extremely hard, I never regretted putting my well-being first, and I sure as heck wouldn't hesitate now. I absolutely adore my husband but if he wasn't bringing his A game for me right now, he would be on thin, thin ice.
We cannot change men-- it's impossible. I watched my mom try for 30 years before finally giving up, and I dunno about you, but I am determined not to ever let that be me. It does not matter what a person says, it matters how their actions back up their deeds. Our grandmothers really were right when they said "Actions speak louder than words"-- so try to set aside whatever he's saying and watch closely what he does over the weeks and months ahead. His own actions should determine his own fate as far as whether or not he *gets* to be a part of your life and the baby's life.
It sounds like you already know this as well, because your ex was so unsupportive during your other pregnancies, and you're no longer with him anymore. The best thing you can do is put yourself and your baby first. You are right to think about hiring a doula and doing those things for yourself to make certain that you have the support that you need.
This man will either come around, or he won't. You are communicating to him what you need and want from him. He really should step up, but it's up to him. Maybe at the sonogram, he will "turn the corner" if he sees the baby and it all becomes more real to him. But if he does not, then you have some tough decisions to make.
YOU choose whether or not to keep this man in your life, and where to draw the line. As Courtcoop said, until he has crossed that line with you for good, you need to shield yourself from him emotionally and steer clear of all of his negative ****. Most of all, if he isn't ready, willing and able to be a good father, then you have a decision to make for yourself and your new baby. Only you get to choose how many chances or opportunities this man gets to do the right thing, but ultimately, doing the right thing is not optional for him. It might be different if it were just you, deciding whether to be with him or not. But now you are deciding for yourself and your baby.
I wish you the very best. I really hope he steps up. These choices are tough to make, but when I have had to make them in past relationships, even if they were extremely hard, I never regretted putting my well-being first, and I sure as heck wouldn't hesitate now. I absolutely adore my husband but if he wasn't bringing his A game for me right now, he would be on thin, thin ice.
Hi Meg,
Sorry to hear about no support...that just plain *****. i want to slap these men whom act so non-commital. I agree with Adgal about detachment....perhaps it will change when he actually is with you during a sono? And to ask you to do things you cannot/should not do, seems like he is not ready to let go of the "fast pase fun times pre-baby". It is not his decision to "give up the baby if there is a physical issues" (aka as he says "retarded"...that is a derogatory word to use...hate it) I seriously hope things change and you may have to give him some room and stay away form all the negative back lash...not good for you emotionally nor physically. Seems like he was happy when it was not "here" yet (BFP) and when it did, bang. Also, could be hearing /listening to relatives/firends, etc
We just found out fro DP's mom that she is not supportive as well.
Since he was married in Germany, they can only officially file until a year after last date lived together (even if divorce paper and settlement is done). So, he has to wait another 6 months b4 divorce is accepted in Germny, so his mom felt he should have "closed that door first" and does not want t speak about the child nor to him (he just told her 3 days ago).
Congrats on the little one....it's all about you and the baby right now and that is all that matters...men may come and go and takes a lot to be a father vs. a dad.
Sorry to hear about no support...that just plain *****. i want to slap these men whom act so non-commital. I agree with Adgal about detachment....perhaps it will change when he actually is with you during a sono? And to ask you to do things you cannot/should not do, seems like he is not ready to let go of the "fast pase fun times pre-baby". It is not his decision to "give up the baby if there is a physical issues" (aka as he says "retarded"...that is a derogatory word to use...hate it) I seriously hope things change and you may have to give him some room and stay away form all the negative back lash...not good for you emotionally nor physically. Seems like he was happy when it was not "here" yet (BFP) and when it did, bang. Also, could be hearing /listening to relatives/firends, etc
We just found out fro DP's mom that she is not supportive as well.
Since he was married in Germany, they can only officially file until a year after last date lived together (even if divorce paper and settlement is done). So, he has to wait another 6 months b4 divorce is accepted in Germny, so his mom felt he should have "closed that door first" and does not want t speak about the child nor to him (he just told her 3 days ago).
Congrats on the little one....it's all about you and the baby right now and that is all that matters...men may come and go and takes a lot to be a father vs. a dad.
Aww, your not being needy at all. We all need our husbands to support us just as we support them. I know what you mean, my husband is also my best friend and it's really hard when he doesn't seem excited about something that is so incredibly important to me. I thought of something I did once when I felt we weren't communicating well. I started writing down my feelings, almost in a letter to him. I find that when something is bothering or hurting me, I have a hard time communicating verbally..I get too emotional. So I wrote it all down. How I felt, how I was seeing things, and how important he was to me. Maybe it could help you too. Vent anytime. God knows I have done it here on many occasions and I am always amazed and the support and encouragement I have received. This is and should continue to be, a safe place to let it out. XOXO
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