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Anyone else feeling NOT supported by spouse, partner, bf, etc?
I've not been feeling supported through my entire pregnancy. Yes, we wanted a baby- took two years and have lost 3 babies ... (sorry this is long.)
Not only does he just keep quiet- but when he does talk about the baby/pregnancy- it is all negative. These are things like: I am not the baby's daddy, who are you cheating with, our kid is going to be retarded, your plan is to get this baby and then leave me ... He has said he does it to make me mad and will stop, but he continues to say a few of the things.
Last night, I told him how I was feeling- not supported. I told him that when I don't feel well (as last night I vomited) it would be nice if he would offer to do something ... rather than just tell me how I have gone through this before- I should be used to it. He said he does- I asked him what he does to make me feel supported. He says he likes to cuddle with me a few minutes in bed each morning. That's nice and appreciated- but maybe you could ask me sometimes if there is something I need- that you could do for me. He rolls over and goes to sleep at that point- mumbles hold me.
He also tries to talk me into doing things that I CAN NOT/should not do now that I am preggo- like take a motorcycle ride on his racing bike. (These can be 5 hr rides sometimes.) OR play a sport that I used to play (which is a total guy sport and extremely rough.) And so I go and watch him. OR lift heavy equipment for his "business." He actually "docked" my pay (got half) because of this- and not doing a few other things.
He has not been to any appts with me ... but says wants to go on my next- sonogram. (He had even forgotten about it.) So I told him that I really would love him there- to be happy for us and supportive. BUT if he is going to NOT support me- and NOT be happy and bring up all this negative stuff- then I would rather he stay home.
I have children with me ex and I was always alone in everything. My honeymoon night- he feel alseep and slept all night (hangover.) All the births of my babies- alone and done naturally. He never got up at night- although he was not working and I was very sick- almost died. He never changed a diaper. (And I had to use cloth and with a broken arm.) So I was really hoping that this would be different. He knows all this.
I would like to think that he will come around. I leave my baby books out. I try to include him in everything- but he doesn't even listen/remember.
And yes, I do tons for him and his teenager. It just really hurts me.
Thanks for all the support I get here. Any help/suggestions appreciated. :)
Not only does he just keep quiet- but when he does talk about the baby/pregnancy- it is all negative. These are things like: I am not the baby's daddy, who are you cheating with, our kid is going to be retarded, your plan is to get this baby and then leave me ... He has said he does it to make me mad and will stop, but he continues to say a few of the things.
Last night, I told him how I was feeling- not supported. I told him that when I don't feel well (as last night I vomited) it would be nice if he would offer to do something ... rather than just tell me how I have gone through this before- I should be used to it. He said he does- I asked him what he does to make me feel supported. He says he likes to cuddle with me a few minutes in bed each morning. That's nice and appreciated- but maybe you could ask me sometimes if there is something I need- that you could do for me. He rolls over and goes to sleep at that point- mumbles hold me.
He also tries to talk me into doing things that I CAN NOT/should not do now that I am preggo- like take a motorcycle ride on his racing bike. (These can be 5 hr rides sometimes.) OR play a sport that I used to play (which is a total guy sport and extremely rough.) And so I go and watch him. OR lift heavy equipment for his "business." He actually "docked" my pay (got half) because of this- and not doing a few other things.
He has not been to any appts with me ... but says wants to go on my next- sonogram. (He had even forgotten about it.) So I told him that I really would love him there- to be happy for us and supportive. BUT if he is going to NOT support me- and NOT be happy and bring up all this negative stuff- then I would rather he stay home.
I have children with me ex and I was always alone in everything. My honeymoon night- he feel alseep and slept all night (hangover.) All the births of my babies- alone and done naturally. He never got up at night- although he was not working and I was very sick- almost died. He never changed a diaper. (And I had to use cloth and with a broken arm.) So I was really hoping that this would be different. He knows all this.
I would like to think that he will come around. I leave my baby books out. I try to include him in everything- but he doesn't even listen/remember.
And yes, I do tons for him and his teenager. It just really hurts me.
Thanks for all the support I get here. Any help/suggestions appreciated. :)
I can understand the detachment- I guess it would be easier if he could VERBALize that. Maybe he does not realize it?
I don't think he'd go to counseling "too busy" he'd say.
TTC- he was very enthusiastic. Was optimistic- would say this is going to be our month- how are you feeling-- etc. Each time we got the positive tests- he seemed happy. This last time, he was on a fun trip to Vegas- so I told him over the phone- but he did seem less enthused. Told me congratulations that I must be very happy. He also seemed sad with our losses.
I just don't even want to talk with him about this pregnancy anymore. And it hurts me a lot. He is my best friend- and the only one I can confide in. Besides here- :) It sometimes makes me feel like maybe I am just too needy or I expect too much. But it also upsets me because I am always doing for everyone else- and sometimes I/we could use just a little back.
Thanks for letteing me vent. :)
I don't think he'd go to counseling "too busy" he'd say.
TTC- he was very enthusiastic. Was optimistic- would say this is going to be our month- how are you feeling-- etc. Each time we got the positive tests- he seemed happy. This last time, he was on a fun trip to Vegas- so I told him over the phone- but he did seem less enthused. Told me congratulations that I must be very happy. He also seemed sad with our losses.
I just don't even want to talk with him about this pregnancy anymore. And it hurts me a lot. He is my best friend- and the only one I can confide in. Besides here- :) It sometimes makes me feel like maybe I am just too needy or I expect too much. But it also upsets me because I am always doing for everyone else- and sometimes I/we could use just a little back.
Thanks for letteing me vent. :)
I can understand the fear. Warren had a really hard time getting excited until we were through the first trimester (actually I did too) because of all the previous losses. He also was a lot more scared then I was when our first trimester screen came back 1:13 for Downs Syndrome. Once we cleared all those hurdles he really got into this pregnancy and it's been much easier. So I can see your DH sort of detaching right now..maybe that is how he deals with it. What's bothering me is the obviously intentional jabs to hurt you. That's just cruel. Would he agree to counselling? How was he during the ttc days...was he enthusiastic then? I just hurt for you. You have to be really afraid too after all you have been through and to be so alone in this just isn't right.
His "baby mama" ex gf had cheated on him. But he says it's just to hurt me- not cause he believes it- he has told me so. I have been with him over 4 yrs- (but we have a history back to highschool) and HE was the cheater in this relationship- but is now faithful- and so it really ticks me off.
No history of depression- but he does seem paranoid to me. Just self centered. immature, and inconsiderate.
I put a few books on hold at the library. Maybe he will at least look at them.
As far as family, nope. I just have one sibling and they live about 500 miles away. haven't seen them in a few years- but we talk. I haven't mentioned the pregnancy yet- as we have had those losses. Plus I know I will hear about my age- and I just don't need that right now. They are also dealing with infertility-----
I have considered hiring a doula. I have asked him to be there for the birth- which is soooo important to me. He says he will try. ???? Which is not a good enough answer for me. But he has a history of "not meaning to" but breaking promises ...
I have really been trying to do what is best for me and the baby. I am not sure if that makes it worse- cause then he will point it out. ??? I even got a little bib- one of those daddy's little angel ones. I have gotten a few things- but he will hardly look at them.
The only time he really has talked about the baby is the negative stuff- and to find out what I am going to do when the results show our baby is retarded- cause he does not want it. Even if we find out at birth- I need to put it up for adoption then. I can see concern on this area- but I love the baby no matter what and he knows that.
I cried most of the night and I couldn't sleep. I used to be soooo sooo happy about everything. I know it is best if he stays home from the sonogram. He will just bring me down.
No history of depression- but he does seem paranoid to me. Just self centered. immature, and inconsiderate.
I put a few books on hold at the library. Maybe he will at least look at them.
As far as family, nope. I just have one sibling and they live about 500 miles away. haven't seen them in a few years- but we talk. I haven't mentioned the pregnancy yet- as we have had those losses. Plus I know I will hear about my age- and I just don't need that right now. They are also dealing with infertility-----
I have considered hiring a doula. I have asked him to be there for the birth- which is soooo important to me. He says he will try. ???? Which is not a good enough answer for me. But he has a history of "not meaning to" but breaking promises ...
I have really been trying to do what is best for me and the baby. I am not sure if that makes it worse- cause then he will point it out. ??? I even got a little bib- one of those daddy's little angel ones. I have gotten a few things- but he will hardly look at them.
The only time he really has talked about the baby is the negative stuff- and to find out what I am going to do when the results show our baby is retarded- cause he does not want it. Even if we find out at birth- I need to put it up for adoption then. I can see concern on this area- but I love the baby no matter what and he knows that.
I cried most of the night and I couldn't sleep. I used to be soooo sooo happy about everything. I know it is best if he stays home from the sonogram. He will just bring me down.
I am so sorry you are going through that. I know that many men get frightened at the arrival of a new baby...worrying about things such as finances, etc. But to accuse you of cheating, planning to leave him, etc. is a sign there is something more going on. There is a major issue there for him to take it to that extreme. I too would be trying to get him into marriage counselling, or just counselling on his own for a while. Is there any history of depression or paranoia? I don't mean to be nasty, but I think he needs to get some help. In the meantime, you need to focus on what is right for you and your baby/other children. Do you have a close friend or family member that could attend your appointments and ultrasounds with you? You need to be able to lean on someone, this is a not a time in your life to be going it all alone. Hang in there hon, and I hope things improve for you. This is not right. ((((((hugs))))
I am so sorry that you are going through this unsupported phase with your DH. Hopefully it is just a phase.
A lot of men are just really nervous about having a child, although he already has one... perhaps he is deflecting from how he is really feeling. It's no excuse, mind you. But perhaps he is nervous or insecure in ways he cannot express. Perhaps he has had some unfortunate experiences in the past with ex's or mom/dad relationships?
Not trying to be nosey, just trying to make suggestions.
Continued open communication is very important. Put yourself first. Let him know exactly how you are feeling. You are your number one priority. And the baby :)
Maybe it might help to seek a counselor, either marriage with the two of you or some sessions for yourself. I hope I'm not being too bold by suggesting that.
Your partner should support you in any way he can. And asking you to do things, especially those that you shouldn't since you are pregnant is not only unfair but unhealthy for you and baby. An unhealthy situation needs to be addressed immediately so it doesn't get out of hand.
Congrats on your baby. That is truly fantastic news! I hope my suggestions weren't too harsh. Hang in there and remember, put yourself and baby first.
A lot of men are just really nervous about having a child, although he already has one... perhaps he is deflecting from how he is really feeling. It's no excuse, mind you. But perhaps he is nervous or insecure in ways he cannot express. Perhaps he has had some unfortunate experiences in the past with ex's or mom/dad relationships?
Not trying to be nosey, just trying to make suggestions.
Continued open communication is very important. Put yourself first. Let him know exactly how you are feeling. You are your number one priority. And the baby :)
Maybe it might help to seek a counselor, either marriage with the two of you or some sessions for yourself. I hope I'm not being too bold by suggesting that.
Your partner should support you in any way he can. And asking you to do things, especially those that you shouldn't since you are pregnant is not only unfair but unhealthy for you and baby. An unhealthy situation needs to be addressed immediately so it doesn't get out of hand.
Congrats on your baby. That is truly fantastic news! I hope my suggestions weren't too harsh. Hang in there and remember, put yourself and baby first.
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