Please do not judge me.

[Finnz]

Please do not judge me. On Wednesday, August 19, 2009, I got back with my long time boyfriend and we had sex, The next day we broke up. On Friday and Saturday I went out with another guy. We had sex Saturday, August 22. Couple of weeks later when I did not menstruate, I went to the doctor for a pregnancy test. It was negative. Few weeks later it was positive. My due date was May 15, 2010. During the intervening days, the relationship with the second guy got serious. When I found out I was pregnant we moved in together. We are now engaged. I now have a 14 month old daughter. When she was born and as an infant she looked like my family. As she is getting older, to me she is starting to look like my ex boyfriend, especially around her mouth. She also has ears that stick out (identical to my ex’s ears). However, my fiancé’s mother’s ears stick out so no one from his family thinks anything is amiss, His parents, sister and brother dote on my daughter,. What I am trying to ascertain is how my fiancé might find out that Lily is not his daughter. Is there any way other than through blood work and DNA sampling?

[Clysta]

I'm sorry, but no. You need to have a DNA test. It's only fair to your daughter and your partner.

[ChristineMP]

A DNA test is the only way to find out for certain. You really need to have one done. In the future you may need to know for certain whose genes she has...not to mention that the longer you withhold this information, the harder it will be to come clean.

also, I promise not to judge you as long as you don't go on Maury or Springer to tell your fiance your news.

[Finnz]

I was hoping someone would tell me that it is probably my imagination that she looks like my ex around the mouth. That I am just worrying over nothing. I am ot sure that she is my ex's child so I have no intention of telling my fiance. Atleast not until after we are married. I might not even then. My fiance has never met my ex so if my daughter does not look like his family he will say she looks my family. I never knew my father growing up and my fiance has never met him. So she may look like that side of my family.

[Finnz]

I forgot to mention that my fiancé does not know about my encounter with my ex days before we hooked up. I often wonder if the only reason my fiancé and I are together is because of my daughter. I mean we were only together a couple of weeks before I found out I was pregnant. If I had found out I was pregnant, I wonder if we would still be together. As I said before she could be my fiancé’s daughter and I could be imagining the resemblance. I feel better knowing that the only way he can find out is through DNA.

[smjmekg]

The only major problem I see with you not coming clean with your fiance about her possibly not being his, other than the obvious reasons...is health. What if for instance, your daughter gets sick and the drs ask for medical history and there was some disease/genetic condition with your ex's family that if you knew could save her life? Obviously the possibility of that happening isn't all that great, but do you really want to risk not knowing if she for sure is your fiance's kid and the possibilities of what could happen? If you don't want to do it for you and your fiance knowing she is for sure yours, do it for her. She has a right to know who her real father is, and to be able to know if there's any kind of medical issues she may or may not have to worry about.

[ninky724]

Maybe if you can just get the ex tested by maybe having a sit down with him over some food or drinks and maybe keep something with his salava on it and then take your daughter and go get the test done, i hope it works Goodluck!!

[HeatherLynB]

If you are unsure then i think you should get a DNA test. If you dont want him to know about it then get some hair or like ninky724 said, get saliva and take that and your daughter to get tested. If it comes back that she is his, then dont say anything lol! I know its being sneaky, but if you tell him she might not be his and the test comes back that he IS hers there may be some tension in the relationship with trust. If it were me and i were unsure id test without him knowing and then if shes not his i would say something. Good Luck!

[lisa1905]

i know , it is bad to saying it but u can do this, at walgreens they have  a DNA test kit , just get one and do the test , if came that he is not the father then tell him, if he is a father then dont say anything, let the past just stay in past :)

[NicMom]

I would do the dna test and then that way you know for sure. I can't give advice about if you should tell him or not, but you might be able to put your mind at ease and know that he is the dad 100%.

[NicMom]

Oh I have to say my daughter had to go to the emergency room a few times and they did ask about her blood type so if there is a possibility that he's not the dad you might want to know that before being in a situation like that.

[Clysta]

Just looking similar to someone doesn't tell anything. I look NOTHING like my biological father. YOU made the mess up, your doctor and partner should not have to pay that price. They deserve to know the truth.

[sweetpea03]

You need to do a DNA test and I would recommend that you do it soon. You need to know who the actual father is so that you can know that side of the family's medical history, her blood type, and so on. It's important that you know this information. I don't look like my biological parents, so you can't go off of looks, as it is just unreliable. Get the DNA test done soon, for the well-being of your daughter and so that you and your fiance can know the truth. It would be very cruel to marry your fiance and then tell him later that he might not be the dad. Find out that information now and then go from there. Hope it all goes well.

[smjmekg]

PS...you slept with the other guy before you and your fiance got together, so I don't understand why it's a big deal? Just tell him that you had a one night stand and it's been bugging you, that you don't want to hurt him but you just need to know the truth.

[Finnz]

Alright I did leave out some information. I started seeing my fiance on the 15th of August. got back with my ex on the 18/19th and hooked up with my fiance on the 22th. So was sort of seeing the two at the one time.

So what I am reading is that she could resemble my ex around the mouth and it not mean anything.

I lucked out with the blood type because we are all the same.

I have no intention of telling my fiance, now and most likely not after we are married. Getting a DNA test would not change that fact. Maybe after we have our own child, I will mention the possibility. Not sure about that but we will see. We are getting married next July, and plan to have another child soon after.

I have no contact with my ex, though my mother, her husband, step brother. step sister, and sister do. They have never mentioned a resemblence between my daughter and my ex, so maybe I am imaging all of this. I am glad I have told someone, it has taken a load of my shoulders.

[Finnz]

@ Clysta

You said just looking similar to someone doesn't tell anything. That you look NOTHING like your biological father. I also look nothing like my biological dad. However, I do not resemble my mother's husband because we are not related biologically. I said that my daughter resembled my ex boyfriend; she also looks nothing like my fiance. There is a difference. If she is not related biologically to my ex why would she look like him. But after talking to everyone on this site - I have decided two things. First, that it is all my imagination and secondly, that I am not telling anyone. She is my fiance's daughter!

[marisol_jose]

I personally would NEVER be able to hide anything from my husband especially if I had doubts that my baby wasn't his.

That's not fair that your keeping it from him I mean its possible that it may not be your ex's but honestly how could you live comfterable lnowing you slept with 2 men around the time you got pregnant.

I am not trying to be mean or sound Rude its just how I feel . Plus you came on here for advice and opinions so that's what your getting back.

I hope that you can find closure to this so you can finally relax and live a happy marriage with your soon to be husband.

Goodluck to you.

[dtravis87]

looks have nothing to do wih any of it considering both my older brother and myself look nothing like our mom or dad but i look identical to my half sister and my brother looks identical to our half brother so you can base anything on that and dont you think its wong to start your marriage out on a lie? and you yourself said that you werent sure if the two of you would even be together if you hadnt found out you were pregnant so wouldnt you rather he is with you because he loves you not with you because he feels like he has to be......marriages like that dont last and I am not trying to sound rude or mean or anything like that but when my dad married his first wife it was because of he got her pregnant and yea they were married for about 6 yrs and then he had enough of staying in a marriage with someone he felt he had to be married to and he left her and the 2 kids and he hasnt had any contact with them in at least 21yrs and he has never met the 3 grandchildren he has..... so would you rather you just dont ever tell you future husband and hope he stays and never finds out (since you said your family has made comments he might start to do a little digging on his own) or would you rather you tell him and start an honest relationship with him and work thru it like adults....because if she is his then he will probably be happy you were at least honest enough to tell him and if shes not at least you were honest enough to tell him and it doesnt mean he will leave......and as for the blood types all being the same thats not enough for medical history because there are alot of things that are genetic and if your daughter (heaven forbid) was to come down with a life threatening illness that could have been caught and maybe save her life if you knew for sure who her biological father is wouldnt you feel terrible knowing you could have saved her but basically chose not to because you ddnt want to make your future husband mad.....

[sweetpea03]

I think you missed what people are telling you. You really NEED to have a DNA test done because it is important to know who the real father is. I stated before that you need to know medical history for her, so if the ex is the father, you would need to know that. His medical history is different than your fiance's medical history and if you don't know who the dad is then you don't know what your daughter is susceptible to. There may be something that runs in the family and you'll miss it if you don't know who her real dad is.

Also, try to put yourself in your fiance's position. You think this is your daughter, and your fiancee is lying to your face about sleeping with an ex in the beginning of your relationship. You treat her like your own, only to find out that she might possibly not be yours and your fiancee has  essentially trapped you in marriage through a bunch of lies. How does that sound to you? Sound like someone you want to stay married to? Just because you are married, does not mean he has to stay with you. The truth will come out sooner or later, so it is always best to tell the truth and be open with your partner. This is the man you will marry and you can't tell him the truth? What does that say about your relationship? You are setting your relationship up for failure if you can't be open and honest with your fiance right now.

Not only are you putting your daughter's health at risk, but you are putting your future marriage at risk, because if I were him, I would divorce you after finding this out, that you couldn't just tell me in the beginning what was going on and I would say he will do the same as in divorcing you. The truth will eventually come out, so you can either come clean now and get the DNA test or he can find out later and it will be 10 times worse. It's up to you. Good luck.  

[amn702]

i agree with what these ladies have said, hun. no one here is placing judgment on you! we are all here for you, obviously, or we wouldn't be on this forum. it is important for medical history reasons as well as for honesty/trust issues. what if you found out your fiance had a HUGE secret that he was keeping from you? it would hurt very bad. listen, i have a real-life example. not to say everyone would react the same way, but just hear the story: this girl that i know was in your same position, having been with 2 guys. she cheated on her fiance (they were due to get married a month after the baby was born) with a guy she used to date in high school. she got pregnant and wasn't sure which was the father because she slept with both of them around the time she got pregnant. she decided to hide this from her husband. her son was born and looked exactly like her. so the baby did not look anything like either of the men. when the baby was 2 years old, her husband began to grow suspicious that she was hiding something (it may take a while but eventually it will show that you are hiding something - trust me). he started digging around and found out from the guy HIIMSELF, that she had cheated. HE bought the home DNA test from walgreens or wherever he got it from and the baby WAS his. however, he was so hurt by her deception and secrets that he decided he could no longer be in a marriage that was based on a lie. he said that someone who truly loved him would not have kept such a major secret from him. they are now divorced. he sees his son every other weekend and the guy she cheated with will no longer speak to her because he, too found out about the secret.

[Finnz]

Okay no one is judging me. So here goes! Well though I love my fiance, the fact of the matter is I am looking after my daughter's future. While my ex is a university student, the guy I am living with works for his father's company and makes fairly good money. He is even paying off my student loan. We live in an apartment that is in the basement of his parent's home. He thinks I am gorgeous, loving, caring, and calls me his superhero! He thinks I had to quit university when I got pregnant. That I gave up this wonderous future. He is a bit stunned I know (Did not have the heart to tell him I failed out!!)

If I tell him and he leaves I will lose all this. If it happens after we marry, after having lived together for three years I will get half a house and anything else he has.

We have no contact with friends I had before so he will not find out that way. My family will not say anything.

My mother is my hero She had four children by three different men, two of whom she married. The last one she married she never loved. She did it for the three children she had, for their futures. He raised us three girls that were not his own. My mother never worked. Like me she was a stay at home mom. We had music lessons, dance lessons, swimming lessons, gymnastics, went on trips, and anything else we wanted. He dropped us off, waited sometimes for hours to pick us up and bring us home. And rightfully so. As my mom says he had the prevledge of raiding us. She managed to survive I do not know how for twenty years. One month after the house was paid off she left him for his best friend; he had to sell the house that he owned ten years before he met her, and she got half.

She calls her new husband her soul mate. He left his wife of thirty years for her. Isn't that story beautiful. None of us including his own son has any contact with the her second husband. What a horrible man.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that you have to plan for your future. You may not agree but this is what is best for my daughter. My fiance can give her the kind of life she should have. What he doesn't know is not going to hurt him. When she gets old enough I will tell her that someone else might be her father. By that time my ex might have actually accomplished something and be making some money. Then will the time to do a DNA test.

[NicoleW09]

I'm not judging you at all, but from what you've said it sounds like you're taking this guy for a ride. I'm sure you love him and care for him, but from everything you said, it sort of sounds like you're looking out for your best interests, and not being truthful to him is in your best interest. I'm sure you don't mean for it to come across this way, but it sounds like you feel that if he leaves you, you're entitled to his things even if your daughter isn't his. If your ex doesn't ever make anything of himself, would you still tell your daughter someone else could be the father?

Idk, I think that your fiance and daughter deserve to know the truth. He may decide that no matter what he loves you and wants to be with you and raise your daughter even if she isn't his. In the end, I guess I feel like this has the potential to blow up and be horribly ugly for everyone involved.

Are you with him because of what he can provide for you and your daughter? Ir are you with him because you love him and want to be with him? If your ex was an accomplished man, would you pursue a DNA test and come clean now? It's none of my business and you certainly don't have to answer if you don't want to. I was just curious as to your reasoning for having things play out as you plan for them to.

[Michele, Katy, TX]

You have gotten some great advice here.  You can try to justify your deception all you want, but knowing the child's true paternity is what is best for your daughter.  Everyone is trying to point out that your daughter could come down with something life threatening at some point.  She may need a donor or something and you seem to be just ignoring that very important piece of advice; probably the most important.  It sounds like you are using your fiance and not inlove with him and that isn't fair to him at all.  You also mentioned the lie about school or whatever so that is another lie.  Eventually the truth always comes out and I couldn't be with someone that lies to me.

Only thinking of yourself and your daughter, and not your fiance is wrong and selfish.  Sorry to sound rude but that's exactly what it is.  He is a human being too and sounds to be a pretty good one.  He deserves just as much consideration in all of this as anyone else; especially since he did nothing wrong here.  I mean, I guess he can work his rear off to make a future for himself and even you, and then if he does find out and divorce you, oh well, at least you will get half of what he worked for....even though you were the one that lied and kept secrets.  Sounds fair to me....

The decision is yours to make and sounds like you already made it even before coming here.  I do wish you luck and don't mean to sound rude but sometimes shooting straight is the best way.  I don't think sugar coating things is the best way to help people if you really want to help them.  Good luck.

[Forcee]

I am finding it hard to believe this story. Its like something from Springer!

[Forcee]

I'm sorry I dont mean to be rude but I can't honestly believe that you would ask for advice and not take it! What exactly did you want from us? I think you know that you ought to do something about your situation. The truth always comes out however it would be best if it came from you and the sooner the better. Your fiancé is more likely to realise that you sacrificed your happiness and security with him to make sure that he knew the truth. He most likely would be more forgiving and marry you anyway because you told him the truth before the wedding. It sounds from your description of him that he could be understanding and will Man Up. You're also less likely to start wondering again if your child starts looking even different as they get older.  Think about it.