Vasectomy...need more opinions

[sgt6852wife]

I am currently pregnant with my first child (DH second...DD 7 from previous marriage), and he says he is done after this baby. He wants to get a vasectomy right after the birth of our son in June. I REALLY don't want him to do this! I'm not so sure I want anymore children, but I'm not so sure I don't! I try to explain this to him, but the way HE looks at it is that HE has his girl & boy so HE'S done! I feel like he's being selfish, but then I feel like I'm being selfish for asking him to wait to have this vasectomy or to have another child he doesn't "want" (don't get me wrong, if we have another child of course he would "want" him/her, but didn't know what other word to use!). I love my step-daughter, treat her as my own, have never had any jealousy issues and if she wasn't a part of my life it would be terrible...but I kind of want to try for daughter of my own (there I go, thinking I'm being/sounding selfish!). I'm not sure what to do, I will be terribly hurt if he does go through with this knowing I don't want him to. What do you think?

[sgt6852wife]

So, I guess what a difference a day makes! I guess we have agreed to disagree for now. He agreed to not have the vasectomy, and we will talk about it again when Karson is a year old. In the mean time, I will be on some sort of birth control (I would rather not take anything, but I guess I need to compromise!). I think I really got him when I told him that he's making me feel like a "one night stand who's trying to trick some guy into having a baby" and not his wife. So I'm happy for now and glad we could agree on waiting. Thanks for all of your help!!

[mamaof4410]

Try, TRY and TrY AGAIN! i cant believe hes not budging. really. you BOTH chose to make a life together and that means taking eachothers feelings into consideration. you want more he doesnt but your his wife and he should do whatever it takes to make you happy especially with such a sensitive subject. Im only 23 and im having our 4th child and i still dont feel ready to tie my tubes or let him get a vasectomy.

[Clysta]

Oooh. I can understand where you're coming from on that one. I'd be crushed if my husband ever said that to me. Have you told him how much that hurts you, and that he should trust you? Sometimes people just say things and don't think about what they're saying or the affect that it will have on the other person. It might also help him if you showed him how certain birth controls work. Ones like an IUD can't be taken out by the person. A doctor has to. You could also have him come along so he knows that it's being done and such. *****, but some guys are weird like that and need to see it to be believe it.

[sgt6852wife]

Thank you all for your comments/help....BUT I am sooooo mad right now! I'm trying to talk to him about this and he is NOT budging or listening to me at all!!! The option of birth control is out because "I could trick him"...ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS??? I'm not just some one night stand, I'M YOUR WIFE!! Don't you think I would discuss "a life changing" choice with you like having another child??? (or having a freaking vasectomy, just sayin'???) I would NEVER trick him, he's making me feel like he doesn't trust me. That's a HUGE problem with me! I think where he is getting this from is our friend "tricked" her bf (she openly admits it!) and he is not happy. Their baby is due 2wks before ours, they have been together for over 10yrs, have 1 other son together and have major issues (obviously). We are nothing like them, we both wanted this baby, are happily married and are looking forward to our life together (at least I thought so). So think he's comparing apples to oranges...and it really hurts my feelings! This is so permanent, I don't think he gets it. I'm not saying I won't take birth control or he can never get a vasectomy, but I'm 28 and I don't feel comfortable making such a permanent decision. Don't know what else to do...

[JoyRenee]

The thing about anything as life-changing as sterility is that a good doctor is going to question you both to make sure you are both 100% on board with this and they will refuse to perform it if you're not on the same page. But... that's if he doesn't end up with a crooked doctor.

Also you're NOT selfish. Wanting children is not selfish whatsoever. We are created to desire to want to reproduce; it is an integral part of our nature. It is natural and you shouldn't be made to feel selfish.

[angela418]

mamaof4410 - good for you!  I'm so glad your hubby understands. :-)

sgt6852wife - you need to talk to mamaof4410 here and tell your hubby whatever she said! :-)

[mamaof4410]

Yes mam we did. AND I WON! lol he agreed as long as i would agree to get the depo shot or the iud. I LOVE HIM:)

[angela418]

I agree with the other ladies that a less permanent solution may be what you need for now, like suggesting that you get an IUD or another birth control.  Because even though it's his body, it's a decision that y'all should both be in agreement on.  I do like the points that Limonada made as well.  

mamaof4410, didn't you just post about your debate with your DH the other day?  I am glad y'all resolved to something less permanent than you getting your tubes tied....for now at least. :-)

[Limonada]

You need to speak to your husband about this - open and honestly.

Some doctors will want him to wait until the baby is a little older (at least a year) before performing the vasectomy....just to be sure that a) the baby is fine and b) it isn't a rash decision being made without proper thought and consideration.  

My husband and I have 2 boys (ages 4 and 1) and he's going for a vasectomy later this month - and we're both in total agreement that we're done.  

[amberd5191]

The doctor my husband saw would not perform a vasectomy until he was sure that both my husband and myself were agreeing that we did not want to have any more children. I do not know if this is normal practice or not. I would tell your husband that you feel he is making a irrational decision and you never know what the future will hold.

[mamaof4410]

My husband and i have had the great debate of wether or not i should tie my tubes after this pregnancy. we have three children together and one on the way. Im only 23 and cannot decide wether or not to tie them since im so young. I would say get on the iud or something reversable just in case he comes around to wanting another baby a few years from now. Explain to him how important it is to you and that you want to add on to your family some time down the road. I did it with my hubby and he mealted when i told him i would love to give birth to another child with him by myside. He agreed as long as i got the iud so we would have something that i could depend on as birth control. Be as honest as you can. Tell him he may be done but your not and as a woman its so important to be done when we can both agree on it.  And your not being selfish to want a daughter of your own. its in your nature you didnt give birth to her yes you love her like your own and you wouldnt treat her any different but tis not the same as the bond you would share with your own little girl.  I had my son first and my daughter second and all my friends and family kept asking us if we were finished since we got our "pair". and i didnt feel "done" as a mother and my husband respects that now. try and talk him out of it but if he doesnt change his mind you will know you tried good luck