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Avatar universal

A question for mothers...

Ok so I am 30 and married. I get I am married to a man my mom doesn't agree with but that is my choice. My mom wasn't the best mother but I do love her and try to still keep her happy. So here is my question how often should she expect for me to call her and keep in touch?

See, she wants me to call her every night and never miss a call or a text. When I do miss them or I don't call her she gets very offended and starts making me feel like a horrible daughter. I want to be there for her but sometimes I don't feel like being on the phone. She also blames this on my husband. And to be honest he does hate that I have to call her every night. But I get him cause that is the only time we get together.

I am just trying to figure out if I am wrong for wanting her to stop being so pushy. My grandmother said that her daughter may call her once or twice a week and she gets it. She says that I should ignore my mom, I just don't feel right being like that toward her. Still this week is my first week at a new job. I have been tired when I get home. So I take care of my dogs, make dinner and relax to a movie with my husband. I don't think I am wrong for wanting to relax after work. One more thing I should add, even if I don't call her every night I am in touch with her through text or a call throughout the day. What is right how often should we be in touch, and how should I handle her?
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Avatar universal
Has she always been this way or did she start this after you got married?

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
On a personal note:  I have 3 adult stepchildren and one adult bio son and I don't expect them to be texting and/or calling me on a daily basis.  They text and/or call when they can.  I leave that up to them to decide.  

We usually visit each other once/month.  I usually hear from them every 10-14 days.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm not sure.  I think that setting up strong boundaries with people is important. But I wonder about something----  and this is not to bring up some difficult or negative things, but over the past couple of years, you've written about some very serious issues including addiction, infidelity, unemployment, etc.  If you were going to her for support over and over during these things, it is hard for a mother to turn that off.  She would still worry about you.  And it may be better or you may have chosen to just be okay with whatever is going on, she still knows and may feel a need to connect with you out of her fear and worry for you.  I wonder if that isn't part of it.  

I spoke to my mother every single day.  But it was mutual.  And I talk to my sister every 2 to 3 days voice to voice and text at least once a day.  Again, mutual and by choice.  

So, I wonder if part of it is the dynamic of you not liking her acting disapproving as you make your choices you are entitled to make as an adult.  in which case, not talking to her anymore or going to her as problems erupt about pot smoking or drinking or whatever may happen from time to time in your married life that causes you distress.  

does that make sense?  

You may need a strong boundary but it probably goes both ways.  

I have a friend that laid it out to me ---  all the things her husband was doing to hurt her.  THEY got back together but it was hard for me to ever change my perception of their relationship or this guy.  Our friendship kind of fizzled (and it was a 20 year friendship) ---  not because I ever said anything but because I knew too much and she was doing her best to act like it had never happened.  It was awkward.  

You are mother and daughter though, this shouldn't just fizzle.  good luck
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
SM made some good points above that could explain your mother's motivation for wanting to hear from you so often.  Everyone is different.  I talk to my Mom about once a week or so.  We text a good bit in between though.

I personally like texting as an occasional alternative to talking on the phone, because you can keep it somewhat brief, and easily end the discussion.  Texting shouldn't replace actual calls, but it works in between calls.

I wouldn't personally say a thing to your mom.  Just maybe try to set the standard.  Text her every night after work, something simple, like "I'm home, long day.  Headed to bed soon, hope your day was good!".....and maybe add a small tidbit of something about your day.  Hopefully she will just text back and not demand a phone call.  If she does, then you may have to just tell her that you'll certainly call her when you can, but cannot promise it will be every single day.  You could also tell her that you'd rather have a less frequent, longer conversation with her than a daily, short one.  Then mention that you feel a daily text at the end of the day is a nice way to be in touch every day, with a phone call every few days.

Hopefully she'll be okay with that.  In the end, I would probably recommend just kind of sucking it up a little to make her happy and content.  You know the saying "choose your battles" I'm sure.  This one isn't worth fighting, not when it's fairly easy to just compromise and agree to doing what she wants...within reason of course.

Like I said though, hopefully if you kind of take the lead and set the stage, she'll follow suit, and it won't be an issue.  Good luck!
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
My family emails.  My mother passed away a couple years ago,  but my sister and brother are in daily contact by email.  It's great.  You can read and respond when you feel like it and everyone is in on the conversation.

I can't imagine a lengthy telephone call with them every night.
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Avatar universal
Ok so my mother has been like this since I can remember. I moved in with my grandparents at age 15 and even then she did this to me. I love my mom, but she can't say nothing about my husband. She smokes, and was an acoholic herself as I was growing up. Her and my dad lived with his mom and dad all their lives. And my brother stuck by her and my father as well. He is 26. So I think they wanted me to do the same.

I just couldn't cause my mom is bipolar and takes her mood swings out on me. I still get her doing this til this day. I don't want to hurt my mom but I am so tired this week. I am just getting use to my new work schedule and I just want her not to be hurt that I am not calling her. After work I have tried texting but she will call me two or three times if I do. I have called her and hung up and she calls back. If I say anything like mom I am really tired I am the bad gal. If I don't say anything but try not to talk so the conversation can end I am the bad gal. I just want to know how to talk to her.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
If she is a recovering alcoholic she may be aware that we tend to repeat patterns.  That is a very common scenario in the world of adult children of alcoholics, they subconsciously choose partners with similar issues to the parent that had problems such as addiction because their subconscious feels comfortable in that spot. It takes effort to pick a healthy partner if you grew up in dysfunction.  So, perhaps she really is concerned.

But I hear you that she has a lot of her own issues including mental health issues such as bipolar.  Is she treating that?  

You don't HAVE to talk to your mother.  You really don't.  You can text her saying "I'm so tired, talk to you tomorrow" and then don't answer any texts or phone calls. Turn your ringer off and let her call.  You do not have to pick up.  You told her you were tired and that's it.   It can just that simple.  And the more you do that, the more THAT will become the norm.  And if she has been super unhealthy in your life, this is a proper step.  If she complains to you, tell her this is how it is.  You're tired after work and can talk every few days when you have the energy but that you'll call HER.  

Who cares if you are the bad gal.  You aren't 5.  Be a bad gal and get on with it.  

Her calling is kind of because you put up with it.  If you want it to stop YOU have to stop taking the calls.  

It's okay to do this.  You don't have to have a big fight with her about it or some serious talk.  Just tell her that you are just tired and busy and love her but will have to talk less frequently.  No reflection on her (although it is, but why tell her).  You aren't going to change how she feels about your husband.  If you could do that, you'd have done it already, right?  So just move on.  

good luck
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Avatar universal
Also for further information. My mom doesn't help any of my situations in my marriage so I don't really turn to her for advice. She has smoked all her life and thinks that he should be able to quit easily. But she never has truly quit herself. I won't talk to ill of my mom, but she has alot of her flaws. It seems like she doesn't like me having issues or problems because then I can't help her with all she is going through.

I feel this way cause if I call her everyday and act like my life is perfect. Then she is constantly crying and bringing up all her issues. Stuff that she has no control over have her stresses to the max. Like I said I just want to have a good healthy relationship with her.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I guess the point is that you can't have a healthy relationship with someone who isn't healthy.  So, you are going to have to scale down your expectations.  I know that is hard.  My dad is a bit odd and I wish he were more like other fathers.  But he just isn't.  So, I had to make a decision to be 'stuck' in a place longing for something that wasn't going to happen or just get on with life.  I think you are at that place now.  My dad is still in my life but I've let go of past ideas of what it SHOULD be like.  and he is in my life more on MY terms now.  

If phone calls with her degenerate to her just woefully talking about her issues and the issues are always the same and she isn't doing anything to help herself, then it doesn't matter if you have that conversation once a day or once a week.  So, YOU decide how often  you are available for it.

That she still makes you feel like a bad girl tells me you are a bit trapped in the past.  Because you are not a young girl but a grown woman.  You can be respectful to your mom and still protect yourself from feeling resentful about how things are going in your relationship.

And maybe WITH the boundaries, she'll begin to change and your relationship will get to be more like how you wish it could be. Time will tell.  
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Avatar universal
Be the bad gal then.  Be direct, but polite and tell your mother you will contact her when you have the time.  Don't answer any texts or calls if you don't feel like it.

She sounds toxic, however, she is your mother.  Boundaries are definitely in order.  

I talk with my mother every week and she doesn't expect me to chat everyday with her as I have a busy schedule.  
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Ditto all of the above replies.  
Helpful - 0
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