need advice.. confusing boyfriend

[s2012]

hello all... I've never posted here before but am at a total loss for advice and am so confused. this might be a little long but any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. it was been a very painful week for me. :(

my boyfriend and I have been dating for just over 3 years (we are 24). we have had a great relationship (genuinely) and have fun together. all of our friends and family love "us." he has had issues with drinking in the past, and it has cause some fights, but we have been able to work through things and resolve them and move on. we just had an awesome, loving, christmas and up until new years things felt just as happy and loving as usual.

on new years eve, we had a great night, but after our friends left he kept drinking. he ended up getting too drunk and saying some nasty things, so I said I love him but I can't keep doing this unless something changes. he was crying, upset, and said he knows he has a problem and is going to work really hard in 2012. we both agreed to work on ourselves and be better to each other and have a great year.

things for the next few days seemed fine, but then on the 4th he was kind of distant, then on the 5th it happened. we went to our first day back to university together, but his classes didn't go well. he was super discouraged and said he was depressed. we got home and I asked what was wrong. the conversation was INCREDIBLY confusing. he started off by saying "I am so depressed, lost, confused, you're too good for me, why do you put with all of my crap, I've done so much stupid stuff and I don't know why you love me" then I said I will support him no matter what. he said "you've been an angel to me the last week, but I just don't feel the spark. I don't feel like we have a connection. I don't feel like I'm love anymore." I was so upset and confused, then half an hour later he went back to saying "I'm really confused, I need to figure things out, sort things out, I need time." which I said was fine. he stayed the evening and slept on the couch saying he didn't want to move back home and wanted to figure living arrangements out.

the next day he went to his parents and hasn't been back. on the 7th, two days later, he said he would come by to get clothes, so I called him and said "I love you, I think that this is worth working through, and if you need time or space, you can have as much as you want, to just figure things out. but if you really don't love me, I want to start packing your stuff and move on." and he said "yeah, I'm pretty sure this is what I want." I was devastated. it seems completely out of nowhere. I know we have had ups and downs but genuinely things were great, and now he suddenly says he loves me but isn't in love, and isn't happy with me.

today he came to pick up his things. a friend told me I should get all my feelings out, so that I won't have any regrets. so I told him I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm confused. that we are worth working out, and that I think this is unfair. he was crying and just said he was sorry, and that he just doesn't this anymore. it was really emotional and he seemed really sad and upset too. I said I wish there was something I could do, and he said there is nothing.. that I am great and have always been great to him.

my brain wants to say "he doesn't love you. get over it. move on now" but my heart knows him so well... and I think he is depressed, and confused. we were so happy together. he was so scared of commitment but it was his idea to move in (1.5 years ago), and living together has been great, and he said he felt like we were soulmates.. so many times. in december, recently, he said he felt like we were just meant to be together. it hasn't even been a month since then! what could have changed??

I am so upset and confused. I have been soul searching and crying and talking to friends for days. every part of me is hurting and wants to work through this. I have been told to try doing no contact for 2 or 3 weeks straight, and then see if he wants to go for lunch or something when things settle down.

I am just hurting... I don't think "I can't live without him" etc, I know I will be fine, and I know I can move on and be happy... I just don't know how long I should wait to try to fix things. or what I should do to try to make us work, before I give up completely.

please any help, if anyone has been on either side of this.. .

[s2012]

just want to add, I am sure there is no other woman involved. and he has only been sober (no pot, no alcohol) since new years day.

[specialmom]

Hi dear.  Oh, I'm so sorry you are hurting like this.  I know it is painful what you are going through as I've had my heart broken as well.  It is a difficult time in ones life when a relationship ends suddenly and not by our choosing.  

Here is the deal, you speak of him as potentially having a drinking problem.  This is very serious stuff.  If your warning bells were going off about this----  it should never be ignored.  If you wrote just that you were concerned about his drinking and should you marry him anyway----  I'd have said absolutely not.  To sort out his issues regarding drinking before making a longterm commitment.  Instead, you are writing that you confronted him about his drinking and he broke up with you soon after.  Dear, he very well may be an alcoholic.  He may either be aware of the problem and not want to put you through it (and ------  hear me when I say you do NOT want to go through a life with someone that struggles with alcohol and addiction problems) or he may just not feel like dealing with what you are saying to him so he knows he needs to be free of that.  I don't know if this is all of the story but suspect it is involved.  

Sadly, he is not leaving you one ounce of room to think this will work out.  He is saying quite clearly that he is breaking up and it is what he wants.  Yes, he is crying as leaving someone that you still love but do not want a romantic relationship with anymore feels terrible and is sad and scary for him too.  But he is still saying to you that he wants out and it is over.  

This should force you to see that whatever effort you want to put into pursuing him will be wasted at this time.  You really have NO choice but to try to pick up the pieces and move on.  

He could very well be depressed.  Actually, the vast majority of alcoholics suffer depression and it is part of the cycle of drinking.  It is very interrelated and I'd never want someone to just go through rehab without addressing their mental health issues as well.  And while you want to help him through it---  he doesn't want your help.  That is not said to hurt you but is just stating a fact from what you've written here.  

This young man sounds troubled.  It was good you laid it on the line on New Years because codependency can be a real issue.  You do not want to be a codependent woman, believe me.  Stay strong and realize that life does find a way of working out.

I don't know if he'll go off and heal or go off and implode.  But he is asking for time to do that.  And you must go on with your life while he does.  He may come back after some time or he may not.  But you can't count on him coming back and therefore, must take care of yourself.  

Get a journal and write your feelings there.  It really helps.  Keep busy.  Exercise.  Volunteer.  These things help when we are grieving a relationship.  I do wish you peace and luck dear.

[garrettandelsasmom]

I'm really sorry!  He does sound troubled and like he's struggling.  Unfortunately, he also sounds like he's made a pretty clear decision regarding your relationship, and so as much as you want to work things out that may not be an option.

One way or the other - whether he sticks to his current line of thinking or changes his mind - you have been hurt and have to work through your own grief and sadness.  I love the idea of a journal - as well as the idea of staying busy.  Both of these things can help you while you're sorting through your emotions and responses.  The more thoroughly you are able to do this, the healthier and happier and more secure you're going to be - if you guys eventually get back together you'll be a stronger, happier person, or else you'll be blossoming and flourishing on your own and will find a place of happiness and contentment in life as it becomes.

DO take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.  Grief is hard work, but it's important to do the work thoroughly!