Aa
Being Single
Why can't I get a date? Don't bother looking at my profile, it's depressing and stupid, and I haven't updated it in a LONG time. It kills me a little bit everyday when I have to wake up and realize that I'm the only unwillingly single person I know. Even the stupid fat guys get dates, so why is it that a fit, intelligent, 21 year old guy has never even heard someone his age say that they love him? Am I just a bad person?
awww you sound like such a kind hearted guy dont worry theres someone for everyone you know it might not look that way now but one day you will look back and laugh cuz you met someone that loved you for who you are that person could be just around the conner and of course your not a bad person your just waiting on the right girl and u will find her :)
First of all, no, I'm certain you're not a "bad person."
Secondly, what types of things interest you, and are you involved in anything that would allow you to interact with people?
Third, what types of medication and/or therapy are you using for your depression, bipolar, and social anxiety? How often? Have you noticed any of it working to your advantage in any way?
And last, what about yourself makes you dislike yourself so much? I can tell you, as a woman, that one of the main things a woman finds attractive about a man is self-confidence and self-provision. The pressure is too much to bear when a man makes a woman his end-all be-all only reason for living and has no confidence in himself or ability to provide for himself (emotionally, financially, and/or physically) without her.
I know this advice may not mean much to you, but I think you're expecting too little of yourself and too much from a woman, or even just a date, building both up to be something that is unrealistic. You need to find a better, more effective way to feel confident about yourself as you are, how you are (single, age 21, and trying to cope with the issues in your life effectively), and not be ashamed or angry about it.
The "stupid fat guys get dates" because they have a level of confidence within themselves that is comforable and accepting of who they are and how they are, without many, or very few, negative feelings attached to that.
Secondly, what types of things interest you, and are you involved in anything that would allow you to interact with people?
Third, what types of medication and/or therapy are you using for your depression, bipolar, and social anxiety? How often? Have you noticed any of it working to your advantage in any way?
And last, what about yourself makes you dislike yourself so much? I can tell you, as a woman, that one of the main things a woman finds attractive about a man is self-confidence and self-provision. The pressure is too much to bear when a man makes a woman his end-all be-all only reason for living and has no confidence in himself or ability to provide for himself (emotionally, financially, and/or physically) without her.
I know this advice may not mean much to you, but I think you're expecting too little of yourself and too much from a woman, or even just a date, building both up to be something that is unrealistic. You need to find a better, more effective way to feel confident about yourself as you are, how you are (single, age 21, and trying to cope with the issues in your life effectively), and not be ashamed or angry about it.
The "stupid fat guys get dates" because they have a level of confidence within themselves that is comforable and accepting of who they are and how they are, without many, or very few, negative feelings attached to that.
I'm involved in skiing, art, music, class, and work. I'm an extreme introvert, and meeting people is something that I don't really enjoy. I actually find it quite tedious and irritating, I only meet people through other people through friends. I try to meet girls at book stores and places like that so I can get a reading off of them before I interact.
I don't take prescription medication. I have terrible reactions to almost all of the ones I have taken in the past, one sending me to the hospital for chest pains and another causing me to go full suicidal, and everything in between. The only thing that works for me, and I'm by no means advocating its use, is pot. That's one of the things that makes looking for girls hard, they'd have to be at least willing to accept my lifestyle and not judge me because of it. Pot is literally the only thing I've ever used that did what it's supposed to do when it's supposed to do it, consistently.
I grew up in a family that, while they said they loved me, my parent's words always seemed empty. They've always supported me in things they wanted to support me in, and ignored things that I'm interested in even if I'm good at them. My parents are introverts as well, but they're unwilling to accept that fact and always try to be more outgoing, and that pisses me off. My mom always tries to make me feel bad about my intj personality type as if it's not a personality type but a personality disorder. She routinely tells me that she used to be just like me but "cured", and yes she's said that, herself. They act like I'm great and everything, but it all seems so fake, like they're lying to me like a child. My hatred stems from that and social conditioning from my peers. From the time I moved here in 1998 I've been hated, not a term I use lightly, by nearly everyone. I've been in 4 schools and the people have hated me the same at most. I've known one girl for 13 years and she's been a pretty close friend for most of that time, she was the only person that was really nice to me when I moved here. I thought we had something, I thought she felt something for me. Turns out she doesn't and I've been lying to myself all this time trying to make her something more than what she is. I've always known I wouldn't get her, but when you can't even get the only girl that's ever really been consistently nice to you to be in a relationship with you, that's when it really gets nerve racking.
I mean, with how I know people feel about me, my head is seriously messed up and I've been looking for anybody that will love me since I was about 16. I know it's not going to happen in Alliance, OH, and I'm moving soon to get away from this toxicity, but I'm thinking that a change of local won't be enough to fix me.
I don't take prescription medication. I have terrible reactions to almost all of the ones I have taken in the past, one sending me to the hospital for chest pains and another causing me to go full suicidal, and everything in between. The only thing that works for me, and I'm by no means advocating its use, is pot. That's one of the things that makes looking for girls hard, they'd have to be at least willing to accept my lifestyle and not judge me because of it. Pot is literally the only thing I've ever used that did what it's supposed to do when it's supposed to do it, consistently.
I grew up in a family that, while they said they loved me, my parent's words always seemed empty. They've always supported me in things they wanted to support me in, and ignored things that I'm interested in even if I'm good at them. My parents are introverts as well, but they're unwilling to accept that fact and always try to be more outgoing, and that pisses me off. My mom always tries to make me feel bad about my intj personality type as if it's not a personality type but a personality disorder. She routinely tells me that she used to be just like me but "cured", and yes she's said that, herself. They act like I'm great and everything, but it all seems so fake, like they're lying to me like a child. My hatred stems from that and social conditioning from my peers. From the time I moved here in 1998 I've been hated, not a term I use lightly, by nearly everyone. I've been in 4 schools and the people have hated me the same at most. I've known one girl for 13 years and she's been a pretty close friend for most of that time, she was the only person that was really nice to me when I moved here. I thought we had something, I thought she felt something for me. Turns out she doesn't and I've been lying to myself all this time trying to make her something more than what she is. I've always known I wouldn't get her, but when you can't even get the only girl that's ever really been consistently nice to you to be in a relationship with you, that's when it really gets nerve racking.
I mean, with how I know people feel about me, my head is seriously messed up and I've been looking for anybody that will love me since I was about 16. I know it's not going to happen in Alliance, OH, and I'm moving soon to get away from this toxicity, but I'm thinking that a change of local won't be enough to fix me.
I didn't think I was negative. I thought I was honest with myself. Reality is a *****, it *****, it's not some candyland where you get all the free lollipops you want, you have to work and pay for everything. Everything's all fine and pretty when you don't fail at every single attempt dating.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Fantastic, we've talked before and I'm sorry things are still stressful for you. On the plus side, you want to connect with others and have relationships in your life but on the minus side, the begining phases of that irritate you. Do you see where these to things will cancel each other out and keep you in limbo?
Now, introvert is often misused in society. It does not mean that one doesn't like people or isn't 'good' with people. Some "outgoing" people are seriously obnoxious and lack social skills. Some introverted people are fabulous at conversation and making others feel 'heard'. So, take people otu of the equation of deciding if you are introverted or extroverted. I still agree that you are introverted---------- but what it really means is that you find your strength and energy from the inside out. An extrovert gets that from the outside in. I view introverted people as MUCH stronger than extroverted.
But I sense a serous issue going on with you------ while you do sound introverted and like your strength and energy comes from withing---- it seems your inner energy is negative. This could be do to untreated mental health issues. I understand that medication has not worked great but would have to hear your whole history to accept that nothing would work for you as well as your self medicating with pot. But that is beside the point and not what you asked for in your posted question.
I really believe that this world is full of people and while we are all different, we can always find people that are similar. If you love books, join a book club. This involves interaction but is 'safe' as everyone is there on the premise to discuss a book (with many people there trying to make connections for friendship and otherwise). You just will have to believe me that there are others out there that find 'out of the box' folks very interesting and this interest sparks their desire to get to know them and date them.
If you are in college------- plan on being really successful at your career. Yep, this is attractive to many because passion and success is attractive to many people. Don't let this negative self talk to derail you.
You believe everyone hated you since 1998. This is the voice in your head telling you this. You have to change the tape. I know easier said than done but work on it. Please. I say that with heartfelt sincerity. I'm working with my little boy now because he already has started with negative self talk. It changes everything. You view kids that are maybe not friendly to you because they don't know you and haven't been give a reason yet to get to know you as hating you or not liking you. (my boy does). When the truth is, you (and my son) must be open to them (you are irritated at this process) without letting your own "stuff" get in the way.
I think what I would suggest you do is make a 'to do' list with a couple of things this week to start out with. Simple things you can do easily. One might be to write a list of 150 things you do like about yourself and feel you offer the world. Another may be to call local book stores or check on line at your school or the library or 'however' you can to see if there is a local book club or discussion group you can join. Or maybe your other one can be to have coffee with one person this week that is a friend of some sort and have light conversation. But do two things this week to move you in a direction of better self talk, image and using that to make connections.
I have faith in you. I do. You seem interesting and quite smart and you are young. Your life is just begining and you can mold it into what you want it to be. Peace.
Now, introvert is often misused in society. It does not mean that one doesn't like people or isn't 'good' with people. Some "outgoing" people are seriously obnoxious and lack social skills. Some introverted people are fabulous at conversation and making others feel 'heard'. So, take people otu of the equation of deciding if you are introverted or extroverted. I still agree that you are introverted---------- but what it really means is that you find your strength and energy from the inside out. An extrovert gets that from the outside in. I view introverted people as MUCH stronger than extroverted.
But I sense a serous issue going on with you------ while you do sound introverted and like your strength and energy comes from withing---- it seems your inner energy is negative. This could be do to untreated mental health issues. I understand that medication has not worked great but would have to hear your whole history to accept that nothing would work for you as well as your self medicating with pot. But that is beside the point and not what you asked for in your posted question.
I really believe that this world is full of people and while we are all different, we can always find people that are similar. If you love books, join a book club. This involves interaction but is 'safe' as everyone is there on the premise to discuss a book (with many people there trying to make connections for friendship and otherwise). You just will have to believe me that there are others out there that find 'out of the box' folks very interesting and this interest sparks their desire to get to know them and date them.
If you are in college------- plan on being really successful at your career. Yep, this is attractive to many because passion and success is attractive to many people. Don't let this negative self talk to derail you.
You believe everyone hated you since 1998. This is the voice in your head telling you this. You have to change the tape. I know easier said than done but work on it. Please. I say that with heartfelt sincerity. I'm working with my little boy now because he already has started with negative self talk. It changes everything. You view kids that are maybe not friendly to you because they don't know you and haven't been give a reason yet to get to know you as hating you or not liking you. (my boy does). When the truth is, you (and my son) must be open to them (you are irritated at this process) without letting your own "stuff" get in the way.
I think what I would suggest you do is make a 'to do' list with a couple of things this week to start out with. Simple things you can do easily. One might be to write a list of 150 things you do like about yourself and feel you offer the world. Another may be to call local book stores or check on line at your school or the library or 'however' you can to see if there is a local book club or discussion group you can join. Or maybe your other one can be to have coffee with one person this week that is a friend of some sort and have light conversation. But do two things this week to move you in a direction of better self talk, image and using that to make connections.
I have faith in you. I do. You seem interesting and quite smart and you are young. Your life is just begining and you can mold it into what you want it to be. Peace.
In all reality, much of my issues in the world of dating and socializing stem from the reality that I've endured. I say that people hated me, those were not my words, those were the words of a girl I've known since I was 8 and have been friends with ever since, they are the words of my best friend who I've known for 6 years, they are the words of my peers who had no opinion of me being even more than a grain of sand. My reality is a reality of hatred and social toxicity, the fact that I'm still alive after all the stuff I've had to deal with is incomprehensible. To me, life is a game, and I don't lose and when I do lose I play double or nothing. At this point, I'm probably eight levels in, but when that tide turns I'll be back on top and done playing.
Yes, I hate myself, but that's because I before I moved here, I was extremely popular without even trying. Either the world/society has changed or location has changed, I really haven't much. My views really haven't much, my actions haven't much. I give my life to people and they look at me like I'm a lunatic, like I have no place, no value, no potential. They assume I'm a child, a punk, a loser, and a sinner. I can see it in their eyes, I can hear it in their voices, I can feel it in their aura. When I leave the area, I get a totally different vibe off of people, I'm happy, I'm more outgoing, I'm less physically sick all the time. So really, I was looking for affirmation that location was a possibility, I already know it is a probability if not an absolute. I may be negative, fine, but that's who I am and nothing I change will change who I fundamentally am. It took me too long to like who I am to change that.
Yes, I hate myself, but that's because I before I moved here, I was extremely popular without even trying. Either the world/society has changed or location has changed, I really haven't much. My views really haven't much, my actions haven't much. I give my life to people and they look at me like I'm a lunatic, like I have no place, no value, no potential. They assume I'm a child, a punk, a loser, and a sinner. I can see it in their eyes, I can hear it in their voices, I can feel it in their aura. When I leave the area, I get a totally different vibe off of people, I'm happy, I'm more outgoing, I'm less physically sick all the time. So really, I was looking for affirmation that location was a possibility, I already know it is a probability if not an absolute. I may be negative, fine, but that's who I am and nothing I change will change who I fundamentally am. It took me too long to like who I am to change that.
Well if you're unwilling to change who you are because you've invested too much time, but it's not WORKING for you as is...don't know that there's anything we can do for you.
Sure, changing locations might work. But generally if the majority of people are reacting to you a certain way, it's because you're coming off a certain way...and until you recognize what makes people react to you that way and change that (even if it took you SEVENTY years to create that persona) ....this problem will most likely follow you.
best of luck. Weren't you going to move previously as well? Hope you can get out of there soon and I hope it makes a difference...it might!
(also ...you say your views and actions haven't changed much. sorry, but they should (not your values, but your actions). you're 21...if you've continued to have the same opinions and views and actions, changes are you're holding on to the same ones you had as a teenager...and sometimes it takes us outgrowing those to become more at peace with those around us.)
Sure, changing locations might work. But generally if the majority of people are reacting to you a certain way, it's because you're coming off a certain way...and until you recognize what makes people react to you that way and change that (even if it took you SEVENTY years to create that persona) ....this problem will most likely follow you.
best of luck. Weren't you going to move previously as well? Hope you can get out of there soon and I hope it makes a difference...it might!
(also ...you say your views and actions haven't changed much. sorry, but they should (not your values, but your actions). you're 21...if you've continued to have the same opinions and views and actions, changes are you're holding on to the same ones you had as a teenager...and sometimes it takes us outgrowing those to become more at peace with those around us.)
I've just come the realization that while I may have an IQ over 140, emotionally I'm probably somewhere around where most other people were when they were 16.
It's not horrible being single. I know EXTREMELY, ridiculously good looking neurosurgeons who are the sweetest, kindest and just all around amazing guys who haven't had dates let alone girlfriends in YEARS. In fact one of our residents is in the process of a divorce.
Being single isn't horrible.
You're attitude could be a bit of it. You seem negative and just not that pleasant honestly. If you project a negative attitude it can be very unattractive for a person. Or if you act arrogant, cocky or egotistical. The last 3 can make the most gorgeous man completely ugly. To me there is nothing uglier than arrogance.
Being single isn't horrible.
You're attitude could be a bit of it. You seem negative and just not that pleasant honestly. If you project a negative attitude it can be very unattractive for a person. Or if you act arrogant, cocky or egotistical. The last 3 can make the most gorgeous man completely ugly. To me there is nothing uglier than arrogance.
If only people in some one location treat you badly, why don't you move away to places where people treat you better?
You are presenting an impossibly difficult picture for anyone to understand and offer real help here, FF.
You speak in riddles, you don't make your situation clear at ALL, so if you really want help, say what's going on. Give a timeline, and a skeleton explanation of what has happened to you.
And why you are choosing as an adult to live in a place that you think is the only place where people treat you badly.
You are presenting an impossibly difficult picture for anyone to understand and offer real help here, FF.
You speak in riddles, you don't make your situation clear at ALL, so if you really want help, say what's going on. Give a timeline, and a skeleton explanation of what has happened to you.
And why you are choosing as an adult to live in a place that you think is the only place where people treat you badly.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Ya know, a person can be lonely even when they are surrounded by people and this can be very painful. I get that. I hear your loneliness and really, hopelessness along with it.
But what you can do is think of this as a period of time. Think of life in blocks of time only. You are in a block that isn't great. You can't wait for it to end and wonder if it ever will. But it will. So, you need to start thinking and planning for the next block of time. Where do you want to go? What kind of people do you want in your life there? What kind of person do you want to be? This next block is a good one in which you have much more control over it. START planning now. I assume that since you are 21 and in college ---- that you will soon have a degree that hopefully will put you in a position to go where you want.
Alliance, Ohio is a small town. Small towns are NOT for everyone and often in a conservative place, they do not make room for those that don't fit a particular mold. So, think of where you want to go. I'd also think about how chronic pot smoking would hold you back in that next block of time coming.
I think you hear something that can be true in many posts here--- that when we run from problems, they often follow us. So you have to address the root of problems or they'll resurface. If your thinking is holding you back, and I believe it is-------- you must use your intelligence to actively change it. You are not a bad person for the negativity but it causes you to live your life in a certain way that you are finding yourself now in and are unhappy with. So, this is something you can work on. You can try to improve how YOU interact with others and how you feel about yourself.
I tell my son this (and about a zillion people before him) that there is one simple thing he can do to improve his social interaction------ smile. Sounds dumb but our body language and facial expression can set the tone for interaction with another. We are often unaware of what our face is doing and it can come off as stiff, tense, unhappy, unwelcoming, irritated when what we REALLY want is to get to know someone. So smile---- whether it starts off as fake or not, it DOES improve how interaction goes.
goodl uck
But what you can do is think of this as a period of time. Think of life in blocks of time only. You are in a block that isn't great. You can't wait for it to end and wonder if it ever will. But it will. So, you need to start thinking and planning for the next block of time. Where do you want to go? What kind of people do you want in your life there? What kind of person do you want to be? This next block is a good one in which you have much more control over it. START planning now. I assume that since you are 21 and in college ---- that you will soon have a degree that hopefully will put you in a position to go where you want.
Alliance, Ohio is a small town. Small towns are NOT for everyone and often in a conservative place, they do not make room for those that don't fit a particular mold. So, think of where you want to go. I'd also think about how chronic pot smoking would hold you back in that next block of time coming.
I think you hear something that can be true in many posts here--- that when we run from problems, they often follow us. So you have to address the root of problems or they'll resurface. If your thinking is holding you back, and I believe it is-------- you must use your intelligence to actively change it. You are not a bad person for the negativity but it causes you to live your life in a certain way that you are finding yourself now in and are unhappy with. So, this is something you can work on. You can try to improve how YOU interact with others and how you feel about yourself.
I tell my son this (and about a zillion people before him) that there is one simple thing he can do to improve his social interaction------ smile. Sounds dumb but our body language and facial expression can set the tone for interaction with another. We are often unaware of what our face is doing and it can come off as stiff, tense, unhappy, unwelcoming, irritated when what we REALLY want is to get to know someone. So smile---- whether it starts off as fake or not, it DOES improve how interaction goes.
goodl uck
I'll post up my history from 1998 to the present when I get home tonight.
Before I go any further with my observation, I'd say that some professional help is necessary. I've commented on your posts before, quite some time ago and you are still in the same position.
Now, I feel for you. I really do. I used to have a lot of the feelings you do about people not liking you, and feeling like I had poor self esteem. Actually, the low self esteem fed off of the thoughts that nobody liked me.
The root of the problem was a depression disorder. I chose not to seek any medical attention, and it was the worst thing I could have done... or not done, in this circumstance.
A little back ground on me, and maybe this might flip a switch or something. I am commonly referred to as a "red neck". I am not a racist, but I do like trucks, like to hunt, fish, camp, be outside...somehow red neck stuck... big deal. I was in the bar business for 18-19 years, 15 of that as a manager. Because the regulars always saw me as the guy who was throwing people out, or the guy who was in the middle of the fight trying to get it stopped, or after getting cold-cocked... people had perception (s) of me that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm starting to rant.... Ill cut it short by saying numerous people had numerous misconceptions of me...
Anyhow, I was the last guy in the world that #1. Anyone thought would need some therapy, and #2. The last guy in the world who would go to therapy. In my head, I had no problems.... it was everyone else. I mean, I was good, I had things under control, I took care of business.... I didn't need to go to therapy and tell some schmuck my problems, because there weren't any... (What a dumb a$$!!!!!!) I was a soup sandwich on the inside... everything was screwed up.... Everybody else had the problems.... not me.
One thing I learned in therapy was, in order to be loved we must feel love for ourselves. In order to receive love, we must be loving first. Also, I used to claim that I didn't get the respect I deserved... I was not very respectful in return... if you come off that way, who is going to respect you/love you.
I was asked to take a real HONEST personal inventory of me. At first, I was just like you. I said all of these self promoting things that I honestly believed. The fact was, I wanted to be those things and I was not. When I got down to actually being honest with myself and took that personal inventory again, I realized that I had a lot of work to do. All of this stuff had been a life long battle. But after diagnosis, I let it go 14 years before doing something.... so stupid. Not only did I waste 14 years of my life, more importantly I wasted 14 years of my wife and childrens lives.... it was completely avoidable and very treatable.
The problems everyone else had were MY problems. Disrespected, and I was disrespectful, feeling unloved and I was unloving. It is a hard thing to do, to really take a look at yourself and acknowledge that you aren't the guy you want to be.... I wasn't merciless and making things up that weren't there, but staring at the things that obviously were. It was a bit intimidating... but at the core of me, the good dude was in there. Often buried, often self ignored, quite often there to abuse myself and send myself further into depression... but the good dude was there.
Seek some professional help.... take a real good look at yourself before you judge "everyone" else. It's okay, but chances are, you may be the problem. The good news is, it's fixable.
Now, I feel for you. I really do. I used to have a lot of the feelings you do about people not liking you, and feeling like I had poor self esteem. Actually, the low self esteem fed off of the thoughts that nobody liked me.
The root of the problem was a depression disorder. I chose not to seek any medical attention, and it was the worst thing I could have done... or not done, in this circumstance.
A little back ground on me, and maybe this might flip a switch or something. I am commonly referred to as a "red neck". I am not a racist, but I do like trucks, like to hunt, fish, camp, be outside...somehow red neck stuck... big deal. I was in the bar business for 18-19 years, 15 of that as a manager. Because the regulars always saw me as the guy who was throwing people out, or the guy who was in the middle of the fight trying to get it stopped, or after getting cold-cocked... people had perception (s) of me that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm starting to rant.... Ill cut it short by saying numerous people had numerous misconceptions of me...
Anyhow, I was the last guy in the world that #1. Anyone thought would need some therapy, and #2. The last guy in the world who would go to therapy. In my head, I had no problems.... it was everyone else. I mean, I was good, I had things under control, I took care of business.... I didn't need to go to therapy and tell some schmuck my problems, because there weren't any... (What a dumb a$$!!!!!!) I was a soup sandwich on the inside... everything was screwed up.... Everybody else had the problems.... not me.
One thing I learned in therapy was, in order to be loved we must feel love for ourselves. In order to receive love, we must be loving first. Also, I used to claim that I didn't get the respect I deserved... I was not very respectful in return... if you come off that way, who is going to respect you/love you.
I was asked to take a real HONEST personal inventory of me. At first, I was just like you. I said all of these self promoting things that I honestly believed. The fact was, I wanted to be those things and I was not. When I got down to actually being honest with myself and took that personal inventory again, I realized that I had a lot of work to do. All of this stuff had been a life long battle. But after diagnosis, I let it go 14 years before doing something.... so stupid. Not only did I waste 14 years of my life, more importantly I wasted 14 years of my wife and childrens lives.... it was completely avoidable and very treatable.
The problems everyone else had were MY problems. Disrespected, and I was disrespectful, feeling unloved and I was unloving. It is a hard thing to do, to really take a look at yourself and acknowledge that you aren't the guy you want to be.... I wasn't merciless and making things up that weren't there, but staring at the things that obviously were. It was a bit intimidating... but at the core of me, the good dude was in there. Often buried, often self ignored, quite often there to abuse myself and send myself further into depression... but the good dude was there.
Seek some professional help.... take a real good look at yourself before you judge "everyone" else. It's okay, but chances are, you may be the problem. The good news is, it's fixable.
I just saw a quote that made me think of your post....
"if you have a long history of failed relationships...there is a common denominator - you."
"if you have a long history of failed relationships...there is a common denominator - you."
Just because I am a common denominator, doesn't mean that how I interact or think is. I've changed my persona 6 or 7 times since I've moved up here thinking that the problem was me, the problem is not me and I will never again take the blame for it. Anyone that is an introvert atheist living in a small town or NE Ohio will agree with me because there is a major discrimination factor going on in the world right now about it. So again, just because I'm a constant, doesn't mean my reactions and thought processes are.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Fantastic, what worries me is that you use introvert as some kind of group. In an earlier post, I tried to explain what introvert actually means. It means strength from within. I'm an introvert---------- my energy comes from the inside out verses my extrovert husband that gets his energy from outside of himself.
Introvert doesn't mean shy or non talkative or anything like that. And I know for a fact that there are PLENTY of introverts in NE Ohio----- I've lived in NE Ohio myself.
Atheist . . . well, religioun, politics, etc.---------- yeah. People take that stuff personally sometimes but why the heck would that be part of your persona? Two of my very bestest besties are athiests! I'm not. Big deal. We have great conversations at times and choose not to discuss touchy subjects at others.
So, I was with you until your very last post when I'm starting to see something. There is much more going on that just 'other people' and discrimination. Do you know that it has been studied that kids that are bullied often have commonalities? Is that a bad thing? No. Just something that studies have proven over time.
Now, I'll be honest. Love Ashelen, hate that quote she shared. I have seen good people that are struggling have issue after issue with people and sometimes it is very true that they are picking the wrong kind of people to associate with as part of the problem (so 'they' are in the mix besides just you) and saying that "you" are the common denominator probably doesn't feel too good when we are fragile. My son has had some issues and while he has things to work on, that quote would hurt him to read and to then think it is all him.
As I said, you need to think about the next phase of your life and where you want to go and how you are going to be happy in it. good luck
Introvert doesn't mean shy or non talkative or anything like that. And I know for a fact that there are PLENTY of introverts in NE Ohio----- I've lived in NE Ohio myself.
Atheist . . . well, religioun, politics, etc.---------- yeah. People take that stuff personally sometimes but why the heck would that be part of your persona? Two of my very bestest besties are athiests! I'm not. Big deal. We have great conversations at times and choose not to discuss touchy subjects at others.
So, I was with you until your very last post when I'm starting to see something. There is much more going on that just 'other people' and discrimination. Do you know that it has been studied that kids that are bullied often have commonalities? Is that a bad thing? No. Just something that studies have proven over time.
Now, I'll be honest. Love Ashelen, hate that quote she shared. I have seen good people that are struggling have issue after issue with people and sometimes it is very true that they are picking the wrong kind of people to associate with as part of the problem (so 'they' are in the mix besides just you) and saying that "you" are the common denominator probably doesn't feel too good when we are fragile. My son has had some issues and while he has things to work on, that quote would hurt him to read and to then think it is all him.
As I said, you need to think about the next phase of your life and where you want to go and how you are going to be happy in it. good luck
I feel normal again, I have a breakdown about 3 days a month, I'm over it. I'm back to having my confidence, I still believe that many of my issues have to deal with my loathing of the actions and beliefs of the people around me, I just want people that have somewhat simalar beliefs to me, people that understand what I've been through, and why I see things the way I see things.
I don't use introvert as a group, I am an INTJ, if you look up the personality type you will see what I'm talking about. I use the community of INTJ as a representation of why I think the way I think, yes I get my power and respect from within, no I don't really have any respect for what most other people have to say about me. It's not a matter of that, I'm just giving insight into why my personality type effects my thoughts so much.
I don't use introvert as a group, I am an INTJ, if you look up the personality type you will see what I'm talking about. I use the community of INTJ as a representation of why I think the way I think, yes I get my power and respect from within, no I don't really have any respect for what most other people have to say about me. It's not a matter of that, I'm just giving insight into why my personality type effects my thoughts so much.
COMMUNITY LEADER
What is difficult, if I am to be honest, is that while you are quite articulate, you also are not open to things it seems. You feel you want others similar to you and have no rspect for other's opinions, etc. and I am getting a general sense of disdain for the general population that you seem to have (or at least I think I'm reading that here)----- and it makes me wonder if this hasn't become your defense mechanism over the years. Unfortunately, it very well may be a key component to what your original question was---- why you are having trouble dating and making lasting relationships.
I know that you have eluded to difficulty working with mental health professionals and medication but am a bit concerned that some of your current coping mechanisms aren't the best. Do you still see a psychiatrist and/or a psychologist?
I know that you have eluded to difficulty working with mental health professionals and medication but am a bit concerned that some of your current coping mechanisms aren't the best. Do you still see a psychiatrist and/or a psychologist?
Well gotta strike out sometimes, right specialmom?
I didn't mean to say it in the sense that it's YOUR fault...but the common denominator in any relationship you are in is YOU. Whether you're a part of why they fail or not, that is of course a matter that should be discovered through reflection and introspection. But the truth is...for every relationship in the past, you've been there. you've been a part of it. it's time for you to figure out why things keep failing with YOU. I doubt you're the reason they've all failed...you're just not an awful person, so I don't believe you're the root cause of past relationship failures. but you ARE the common denominator...so what isn't working?
You can write off some relationships (friends and otherwise) as bad combinations. sometimes people just don't mesh together. no biggie..just push those aside. some you can attribute to the other person. some people are intractable and unwilling to compromise or be giving in a relationship, and those inevitably end. but some of them (for ALL of us!) are going to be a result of your actions. I can think of several relationships in my past that were ended because of my actions.
I would say that's a good place to start figuring out what's not gelling with other people. because those who are the closest to us can often give us the clues to what it is about us a person in general that we need to improve. because these are the people most likely to forgive us for our faults...so what is it that they just couldn't overlook? that is somewhere to start. Believe me, I hate looking at myself that way, but I've discovered a few little nasties about myself by dissecting past relationships that way.
I don't necessarily see why being an atheist would be a road-block to a relationship. Some of my best friends are atheists even though I'm a catholic. atheists today are far more accepted than they have been in any time period in modern civilization. why does everyone who meets you need to know you're an atheist off the bat? just like information about past relationships, my religious beliefs never come up until I know someone well enough to share that part of myself.
I didn't mean to say it in the sense that it's YOUR fault...but the common denominator in any relationship you are in is YOU. Whether you're a part of why they fail or not, that is of course a matter that should be discovered through reflection and introspection. But the truth is...for every relationship in the past, you've been there. you've been a part of it. it's time for you to figure out why things keep failing with YOU. I doubt you're the reason they've all failed...you're just not an awful person, so I don't believe you're the root cause of past relationship failures. but you ARE the common denominator...so what isn't working?
You can write off some relationships (friends and otherwise) as bad combinations. sometimes people just don't mesh together. no biggie..just push those aside. some you can attribute to the other person. some people are intractable and unwilling to compromise or be giving in a relationship, and those inevitably end. but some of them (for ALL of us!) are going to be a result of your actions. I can think of several relationships in my past that were ended because of my actions.
I would say that's a good place to start figuring out what's not gelling with other people. because those who are the closest to us can often give us the clues to what it is about us a person in general that we need to improve. because these are the people most likely to forgive us for our faults...so what is it that they just couldn't overlook? that is somewhere to start. Believe me, I hate looking at myself that way, but I've discovered a few little nasties about myself by dissecting past relationships that way.
I don't necessarily see why being an atheist would be a road-block to a relationship. Some of my best friends are atheists even though I'm a catholic. atheists today are far more accepted than they have been in any time period in modern civilization. why does everyone who meets you need to know you're an atheist off the bat? just like information about past relationships, my religious beliefs never come up until I know someone well enough to share that part of myself.
My husband is both an introvert and atheist. I'm an extrovert and Methodist. I love being around people and believe in God and all that. We get along just fine and our friends don't seem to care at all about his personal preferences.
Religion and being outgoing or not is not an excuse to be so negative and miserable. Stop blaming everybody around you for your misery. Try being around positive people and if there is a subject you know will cause controversy, why not just avoid that subject?
Religion and being outgoing or not is not an excuse to be so negative and miserable. Stop blaming everybody around you for your misery. Try being around positive people and if there is a subject you know will cause controversy, why not just avoid that subject?
In reading Your comments here it seems that You are judgemental of others and maybe - just maybe - that's what others don't like, or find objectionable
.
You also said early on (Your 2nd post) :
"meeting people is something I don't really enjoy. I actually find it quite tedious and irritating".
This is quite a telling (arrogant?) statement - maybe people "pick up" on this attitude and maybe if You were to adjust that attitude people would react differently to You.
I agree with Ashelen's quote regarding a, common denominator. "Everyone" is not going to "hate" You unless You are unpleasant to be around.
.
You also said early on (Your 2nd post) :
"meeting people is something I don't really enjoy. I actually find it quite tedious and irritating".
This is quite a telling (arrogant?) statement - maybe people "pick up" on this attitude and maybe if You were to adjust that attitude people would react differently to You.
I agree with Ashelen's quote regarding a, common denominator. "Everyone" is not going to "hate" You unless You are unpleasant to be around.
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