I am so confused

[catlover8]

I know I have posted a couple of times on here about my bf and how things have been going. I feel the need to explain things before I get started on this rant. I have been a memeber of the substance abuse community for a long time, and no one there is judgemental, so I hope it is the same here. I met this man in high school. We were never dating, but were very close friends. He had a crush on me and would buy me things but I was never interested. About a year ago, we met to catch up at a local bar. Sparks flew and before long, I was sure he was the one. He showers me with gifts and is extremely supportive. I started wanting to spend all my time with him. We have gotten into arguments in the past, and they can be rough. He calls names. Bad names. I have always forgiven him for this things he has said. Yesterday, we got into another fight. This time, he told me that I was not allowed to go out with my friends when he was not there because I cannot be trusted because I was a ***** in high school. I told him that was unacceptable and that I would rather break up. He then asked me how many times I have been out with my friends in the past year. I thought about it, and my answer was virtually zero. I told him it was because I wanted to hang out with him. He said it was because he has been manipulating me all along to get me to do what he wants. It got worse from there. I don't need to go into details. I seem to not be able to find the strength to leave this man. He is so sweet most of the time. near perfect, but then he does and says things like this that make me think that it is all just an act to get me right where he wants me and then all that sweetness will end. Last week, I would have told you he loves me. That I am in love with him. I am not so sure he knows how to really love someone. I feel very weak that I cannot just leave him. I still love him even though I see this terrible side. When he says mean things, he always tells me that he just says them to hurt me because he is hurt. Not because he actually means them. It is my birthday on Wednesday, so I should be happy and ready to celebrate. Instead I am sad. I know that I should leave him, but it is so hard. I feel like I can't breath without him.

[Judy246]

You are not weak person, you are just doubting yourself and insecure. It's always good to get anothers point of view. There is no such thing as a perfect man and he is far from not only being perfect, but I will tell you what he is, he is verbally abusive, which means that within time, this verbal abuse can become physical or domestic abuse. Yes he is high risk for violence. Controlling: anytime a man tell you who you can be with, see, speak to, where you can go, where you can not go, he slowly and intentionally is brainwashing you to control your behavior, weakening your state of mind. He is attempting to take your control and it's working! If he truly loved, care, respected and honored you, he would never treat you less than what you deserve to be treated. NEVER permit anyone to have that much power over you and I'm going to tell you straight out...this is not love, this is control and you are letting him. You need to begin by realizing that this man is unhealty for you, your life and your mind.

I also see a woman who afraid to be alone or without a man and there is sooo much life out there, but you are too close minded to the here an  now, which is abuse.

You start with not accepting abusive behavior from no one. Love yourself. Appreciate who you are and start making a plan for your future. Small steps...you want to see yourself first in a healthy manner, taking care of you, your health and surround yourself with people that are healthy for you, good friends and family and life has a way of always falling into place, but you have to start to take chances and stand on your own two feet and say, "enough is enough" and this is not the lifestyle that I want and I don't want to be treated less than I deserve to be treated. Do not let him manipulate you and stand up for yourself and learn to say, NO!

My advise to walk away from this dysfunctional relationship....in fact, run don't walk, because it will be a matter of time that he will hit you!

[catlover8]

I stayed home last night. Walked a mile and then watched some TV. It wasn't so bad being by myself. He had to work late and said that he was so angry that he did not want to talk. So, I let him be and entertained myself. It was nice being home on a week night and not stressing about how much sleep I woud be able to get before work today. I am still sad that things don't feel right between us. It seems like he is distancing himself. I am just letting him. It just ***** that tomorrow is my birthday and all my plans were revolving around him, and now I don't even know if I will have any at all the way he's acting.

[teko]

I heard sobriety mentioned. It would appear that maybe you have an addictive personality and as was mentioned traded one addiction for another? So you can not do this by yourself. How about some therapy? Your man is exhibiting behavior commonplace to domestic violence tendencies. Research it, there is a definitive pattern with it. As you said, they get very happy and sweet and then start getting angry again, then they go ballistic, realize that was not the thing to do and then come bearing gifts and the whole cycle starts over again. You having a codependent tendency are the perfect type to get trapped in this cycle. Please first get out, then get some therapy and learn how to work thru this. You can do it, but first you need to want to and realize that you are strong enough to do it.

[specialmom]

Well, it helps to not have a man in your life that expects that of you.  You continue with your relationships-------- ask them to lunch, go for a walk, do an exercise class, go shopping or the movies.  But just get together with friends.  You think about what you like and start doing it on your own.  You don't need anyone with you to pursue some things and you just have to go out and do it.  If you like to read, join a book club.  If you like to cook, take a cooking class.  If you like  politics, join a campaign.  If you like gardening, roll up your sleeves and plant something.  If you like exercise, join a gym and do some classes or join a running group.  Try to develop yourself into more of a well rounded person that can pursue things that you enjoy without the involvement of your man.  This will help build your confidence as well.  A therapist may ultimately be helpful in this situation.  I wish you luck!

[catlover8]

I am not sure how to not be so codependent. I got into this relationship and I gave up everything. Friends everything. It is either hang our with him or sit at home bored. I have always been like this in truth. Very codependent in relationships. It ruined most of them. How does one begin to not be codependent.

[specialmom]

You do not deserve this constant back and forth--------- you are right.  Things like this do not usually get better over time but worse.  He's still on his semi good behavior with you and you have these red flags.  I'm dead serious in that I would get out now before you get anymore invested.  This relationship does not sound like it will have a happy ending.  You'll find someone without the ups and downs but will have to watch for it as you are  hopefully not drawn to these types of men.  Please consider moving on and looking elsewhere for love.  And never get in the position that you can't breath without a man.  Maintain yourself enough to know you can love without being so dependent on it.  good luck to you.  You seem like you have your head on straight and could go on to have a good life.  I hope that for you!!

[catlover8]

I just can't believe that the person who stood by me through my sobriety is the one that is being so hateful now. He goes through these times of doing nothing but caring for me. Then he changes and starts to get verbally abusive again. Then, it goes back when he knows he has pushed too far. Like last weekend, I caught him lying about being at commuity service. So, he knew if he didn't straighten up and fly right, I was out. he brought home the most beautiful flowers in my favorite color with a teddy bear and then he spent the whole week being the most perfect, sweet man you have ever seen. Then, one day it changed and went back to his old ways. He started getting angry again. Oh yeah, he skips work a lot and has yet to do any community service for his probation. It is sad to watch him ruin his life, but if I try and say anything, I am the bad guy. Honestly, it has gotten to be too much. I have so much going for me. College degree, pretty (not as skinny as I once was) but I am an OK catch I guess. I feel like I don't deserve this constant drama and back and forth and hurtful name calling. he tells me it is like a disorder. like he is bipolar and he cannot help it.

[specialmom]

Okay, cat lover---  you are scaring me.  Anytime someone says they love someone so much they can't breath without them, I get very worried.  You've turned a former dependence into a new one-------- your man.  Not not not healthy.  You need to be your own woman that enjoys being with her boyfriend but not desperate and so attached that you can't think of breathing without him.  You've been dating just a year and he is already controlling you and calling you mean names?  Do you think that will get worse or better?  You gut knows what you should do and the rest of you will take one or two more episodes to be convinced.  I don't think you should wait that long.  You need to focus on you and what makes you whole, special, and strong.  And do those things.  He won't like it as people that like to manipulate and control find those that can be manipulated and controlled.  I wish you luck as you sort this out and hope for the best for you.  A person that goes below the belt when angry is not going to be good for your sobriety.  Peace and happiness to you and Happy Birthday.

[teko]

First of all, Happy Birthday!  Your boyfriend has admitted he is controlling to get you to do what he wants you to do. The other thing that stands out to me is that he has a low self image to demand you not go out with your friends. You need to go out with your friends because if you give into this kind of control it will not only continue but get worse as time goes on.  Now, he has a choice to back off of you and not make waves or if he wants to throw a tantrum, make threats etc, then he leaves you no choice but to end the relationship. You need to convey this to him and be prepared to follow thru. You need to talk to him and let it be known that you will not be called names, or controlled either in mind or body by anyone other than yourself. Trust me if you do not lay the law right now, you will end up leaving him eventually but after you cannot say or do anything without a huge fight and you will end up hating him for it. Dont let it go that far. You know this is not right and you cannot, I repeat cannot allow this to happen not even once. Or you are doomed. And there is always the possibility that if his words do no longer work, the threats and shoving might start, so be careful. You have heard that old saying, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is, there is always a downside to all of us. This one needs dealt with.