Hey Everyone,
After a bit of a turbulent year, I find myself seeking advice from strangers to help get a point of view from people who are neither emotionally involved nor biased. Please answer honestly but respectfully.
My ex and I broke up on in Feb of this year, we had been together for about two years and had lived together for about 8 months. The break up was his decision and I was devastated as we had been looking to purchase a house and had selected an engagement ring. I signed a lease the day after we broke up and moved out within the week. In March, I stupidly signed on to a dating site hoping mostly to assure myself that there were other people out there who I could connect with and that the type of connection I felt towards my ex was possible with other people. One of the first people who contacted me ended up being someone with whom I share multiple interests and who's personality was nothing short of amazing. After about a month of talking with him casually and talking to other men we met up and I was instantly taken by him. After a couple of weeks of feeling each other out, my ex contacted me and wanted to meet up. I did and after a couple of conversations with him we decided to try again. I was cruel and stopped contacting the man I had been seeing in hopes that it would give my ex and I a fighting chance. After a couple of months, my ex and I came to the conclusion together that while we had a great chemistry together, it couldn't work seeing as we butt heads too much and his reactions were way too intense for my comfort. A couple of weeks after that, the other man and I started hanging out again on a platonic level but it didn't take long for it to become comfortable and intimate. I stayed in contact with my ex and we would see each other but in a platonic way but it was clear that we still relied on each other a little too much. That was also clear to the man I had been seeing. My ex went through some huge family issues including his sister being hospitalized for attempted suicide as well as his father having a major stroke and I felt I needed to be there for him, at the expense of my relationship with my new partner. I ended up watching his dog while he was out of town visiting his father and that was the last straw for the man I had been dating. We got into a messy argument that ended with neither of us contacting the other. He showed up at my place a few days later with flowers and saw my ex's car and obviously got very upset. That was about two months ago. When my ex returned from seeing his father we would walk our dogs together or maybe grab a bite to eat until one day I stumbled onto an article called "Marriage isn't for you". I do suggest everyone reads it btw ;)
After reading that article I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. I immediately thought of the man I had been seeing who is so calm and rational, patient and kind and who's morals and values matched mine so well. I felt sick and disgusted and spent a couple of days in a very bad place. I told my ex that we needed to stop seeing each other and that it wasn't beneficial to either of us as it kept us in limbo which wasn't healthy. After a couple of weeks I contacted the man I had been seeing and we met back up a few days later. The two weeks following that were bliss for me. I had hurt him and made him insecure and while he seemed hesitant and a bit withdrawn, I felt that with time he would be ready to offer what he had initially been able to. Two weeks after we started seeing each other again, my ex had started contacting me about things of mine that he found at his place and he wanted to drop them off. I responded very bluntly that indeed I would need them back but didn't make any plans to meet up with him. One night the man I was dating asked if I was still in contact with him and I replied honestly by telling him that my ex still had some of my belongings and was sending me pictures of what he had. He suggested I close the door firmly with him if I wanted to have a chance of moving forward. The next day (last Wednesday) I asked my ex to drop off the remainder of my things. I told the man I was seeing that he would be dropping by and he asked if I was going to tell my ex about him. I said no, because I found it distasteful and didn't want to stir the pot. He felt that if I didn't want to tell him, I wanted to keep the door open with him. What followed was a six hour text war and finally, I gave in and sent a text to my ex telling him that any contact with him was interfering with my new relationship and I sent a screenshot on my phone to him. It fell on deaf ears and I ended up getting the third degree because of the times I had left him for my ex (or at least seemingly so).
So that all bring us to now. I have spent the past almost week trying to comfort the man I had been seeing but all with no avail. He says he needs space and time and I have no idea how to handle it.
What I know is that a huge reason for going back with my ex was the idea of being able to start a life and a family, I am 27 and since my sister had my nephew have found myself stressed about my own life moving forward. When I saw a hint of that being a possibility instead of starting over new, it seemed appealing…. Right up until I put things into perspective and realized that my ex would make a terrible father.
I know that I dragged this man through the dirt and that I made him insecure and I hurt him by being all over the place but I also know that NOW I am ready for something real with him. I also know that while he was apprehensive, he was willing to let me in and the fact that I wouldn’t tell my ex about him made him hightail out of there (my ex has an impressive temper and I didn’t feel like giving him a reason to feel vengeful towards me) which I have explained to the man I was seeing.
He has let me know he’s confused and in need of time which I would happily give him if he was more forward about whether this time was to move on with me, or without me.
His previous biggest issues towards me were that I was too independent and emotionally detached. When we started seeing each other again I allowed myself to be more vulnerable which turned out to be exactly what I needed. Being vulnerable went from being something that made me uncomfortable to something that made me very happy. I liked and enjoyed that he played a big part in how I felt.
This is incredibly long so I’ll end it now. I guess I want to know if I should keep trying to show him that I’m there is he wants to work things out of if I should back off and wait for him to contact me. He has said that one of the things he liked about me was how much I fought for a relationship (talking about the one with my ex) which makes me feel like I should keep trying with him… but it’s difficult with little feedback.