not everyone finds love

[nickname352]

I believe I will die alone. I am about to be 21 in a few weeks, and I have known nothing but emptiness and lonliness when it comes to relationships or sex for that matter. I have been rejected by every girl I have ever asked out. I've always been myself, and tried to seem confident. But it has always ended in the same result. "You're nice guy, but I don't feel the same way....." or something like that. It seems no matter what I try, say, or do I'm never good enough for any girl. The pain of the emptiness and despair is overwhelming at times, so much so I feel my heart physically aching. I think I have done a good job of hiding this embarrasing part of me from all of my friends and family. I never thought much of it until I was about 13 or 14 thats when the thought that I could end living my entire life alone started to seem possible. At times I wish that I had no desire for intimacy or sex for that matter, that way I wouldn't feel like this everyday of my life. I deeply desire love, more than money or success. But I feel that it is something I will never be able to obtain. No matter how much I may desire it, and genuinly have it in my heart, I don't think I'll ever find a girl that could love me for who I am. Maybe I'm just as ugly on the inside as I am on the outside. Somethings don't change, no matter how badly you want them to.

[RockRose]

nickname,  you're doing something wrong.  You may be asking girls out who are totally out of your "league",  or there may be some other completely fixable problem.

Do you have a trusted acquaintance you could ask?  None of us here on this forum can tell you what the problem is,  we don't know you.  But there IS a problem - there is something happening that you are unaware of.

If all the girls you ask out won't even go on a first date with you,  your acquaintances will be well able to tell you what the problem is,  if they are honest.  

How are your relationships with other guys?  Do you have close warm relationships with others, family members and friends,   not just romantic relationships with girls?

[GroovyDeeDee]

Sweetie, you are just getting to know your SELF!  You need therapy, and probably meds to help you learn to love yourself.  Trust me, I nearly lost my 18 year marriage to my husband's depression and refusal to get help for it.  Once we got in therapy, we realized that he felt unloved in our marriage because he felt unLOVABLE.  I adore him more than dark chocolate, (and that's sayin' somethin') but he believed I didn't and went looking for comfort elsewhere.  We are working on mending our relationship, but I do believe he has learned to respect and love himself, and now he knows that I really did love him.  There's a chance there's someone out there right now who is thinking about you, but you can't "buy it" because of your feelings about yourself.  

Life is so wonderful, especially when you're in love - so go out there and find it!  Then keep your promises, and find a way to renew your love often and you will be the star of one of life's great romance novels.  I feel it in my heart!  

Good luck!  

[brice1967]

I too am sorry that you feel this way.  Lonely is, well.... lonely!  It's not a whole bunch of fun especially when we so desire the company of another.  Changing gears a little bit though, you are only 21.... you've got your whole life in front of you.

In my own humble opinion, I think you've put too much pressure on yourself.  Constantly thinking about it, constantly worrying about it..... you've let those thoughts start to run your life.  You are focused on the most negative thing in your life... the being lonely.  Other things are passing you by because of your focus.  What needs to happen is for you to take a good, honest look at yourself.  Perhaps doing this with your primary health care professional or perhaps a therapist would help you address the self doubt and perhaps the self esteem.  There is nothing wrong with focus, by the way.  You just need to turn your focus outward and not obsess on it.  You've turned it into an attack on yourself, instead of finding someone to spend time with.... see the difference?  If not, re-read the last sentence a few times and think about the words.... not focus on the negative aspect, (being lonely) but focus on the positive (being ready to try new things and meet new people).

I'd also like to offer you this.  Love for me, when I found it, came absolutely out of nowhere.  I was not really interested in "forever" at that time in my life.  I was young, enjoying life, coming and going as I pleased.... then she walked in!  I wasn't really on the hunt.  I had spent time looking for a "real good girlfriend" not just a regular one, and even obsessed about it for a while.  I took the concentration off of that and my wife of now 19 years walks in.  (I was tending bar, bought her a drink, which she promptly spilled all over me.... somehow, I knew she was the one.)

I'm a firm believer that in regards of love, it more than often finds you.  So with that being said, I am going to offer you this last little bit of advice, and it's already been offered by some of the others.  Get yourself involved in other activities.... the gym, going to places you like (you'll likely find others with the same likes) such a museums, church functions, age appropriate group meetings.... donate your time working for habitat for humanity or helping at the animal shelter.... get totally involved with the things you enjoy doing and you'll find people with similar interests.  Most importantly, relax a little bit.  Adjust your focus...

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm sorry you are feeling this way.  Loneliness stinks and I have been lonely in life before too.  

I believe this.  There are people in this world that never long for companionship or a relationship-- yes, they will probably not have a partner in the end.  But when you long for it, it eventually will happen.  So, please don't worry about the future and never meeting anyone.  If you long for it, eventually it will happen.

One thing I find that happens when someone says that they "can't find anyone" is that they aren't looking at 'everyone'.  This is not to say that you should be with someone you aren't attracted to or that you don't like . . . but perhaps you have put your focus in the wrong direction.  I think in the future, I'd change it up a bit as to who you ask out or try to get to know.  If you have had a 'type' then try other 'types'.  

Put yourself in situations to meet people.  School (since you are of college age), clubs, working out, volunteer activities, church, etc.  All good places to get to know people in a no pressure kind of way (bars----------- not a good place to meet people in my opinion.).  

I would work on your sense of self.  Throw yourself into the things in your life.  If you are training for a career------------  be ambitious.  Make yourself a raging success with that.  If you like to exercise----------  work on your sport.  There are biking groups, running groups, intermeral sports, etc.  Develop a strong self.  Then the laws of attraction just may take over and you may meet someone along the way.

But hold onto your faith and hope.  Know in your heart that you will meet someone eventually.  And build strong friendships in the mean time to curb the lonliness.  Wishing you the best of luck.  Peace.

[teko]

I agree with the above poster, you are way too young to be way too negative. I think you need to see someone about that low self image and doomsday attitude. YOU are only 21!!!! You have missed NOTHING in life. Enjoy life and do what you like to do and go about preparing for the future and be the best you can be, and it will happen. Enjoy being young and single as you have the rest of your life for all the drama of relationships.

[mindy1977]

Okay, you are really negative.  You're not even 21.  You'll have to excuse my directness, but I have a hard time beating around the bush.  Have you ever been in therapy?  I think you need to talk to someone about your feelings, someone face to face, who can help you understand why you feel like you do.  I know someone who was your age before they got their first girlfriend or had their first sexual encounter and now they are married.  So I don't think you should give up on everything.  I also know people who OPT to be single and not have sex.  Have you ever looked at what kind of girls you are trying to date?  This is going to sound worse than it is intended, but are they "out of your league"?  People don't want to talk about it, but I'm being serious.  Say it's high school, if you're one guy trying to date the most popular girl, 9 times out of 10 you're going to fail.  Meanwhile, you might miss the girl who is trying to get your attention.  Do you see what I'm trying to say?  I'm not trying to be a witch, I'm just trying to get you to see that all hope is not lost.  You posted about giving up at like 14.  SERIOUSLY?  You have to be more positive than that, have more self-esteem.  That's why I think therapy might do you some good.  By the time I was 14 I had been raped/molested by my older brother for 3 years and given a concussion by a guy on "blind date" to a school dance when he smacked my head against a brick wall when I wouldn't kiss him.  I thought all guys were scum.  Unfortunately, it took a lot longer for my theory to be proved wrong, but it was eventually.  I'm in therapy (with a therapist I really like, which is important) and I'm getting married in October.  Granted, I'm almost 35, but I remember being 21 and I remember feeling like I'd never find "the one".  Don't give up, everybody has somebody.