Fed up

[notsure101812]

I was dating a guy for 3 years and loved him very much.
However, it turned out he had been cheating on me for a long time (2 years).
We split up and he had booked a holiday with her in Dec 09 back in February 09 so when I found out in the summer I justified his decision as he couldnt disappoint her children.
However, they had the holiday and I met up with him last night and am still totally in love with him.
He indulged in some footsie and I told him I still have strong feelings but he says that things have moved on as this woman has met his ex wife, children, parents etc and has probably moved on.
How can I make him love me and give me another chance?
I think about him all the time and want him back.
Would he have met with me if he wasnt interested? Why did he play footsie? Why did he flirt and hug me?
I love him so much I cant live without him and want a proper chance?
Any ideas and please **** just say move on, give me ideas to get him back as he is just perfect.

[mami1323]

He is definitely not perfect because a perfect man is emotionally and physically available. He cheated on you with her for 2 years and now wants to cheat on her with you. Doesn't that seem like a man who only cares about his own needs and not the thoughts and feelings of either of you women? Sorry I have no advice to give you because I don't feel like he deserves another chance. I will not help you to win a man back that cheats on you and cheats with you.

[notsure101812]

Hi didnt cheat with me as nothing happened - that was never going to happen as I will only get intimate with him when he is single. I am certianly not going to be his other woman, but I would like to be his girlfrined. Sorry if my post was unclear

[mami1323]

Well playing footsie is a sign that he wants more and he would go for more if you let him. I'm glad you won't but meeting with him while he is still with her is not right either since you clearly still have feelings for him. Since he knows this he will use it to his advantage. He's not going to leave her for you he will try to play you both. He lacks moral character and has no intentions of changing. If you and him do work it out it will only be a matter of time before he does it again.

[iam1butterfly]

"... he is just perfect."

Well, you know that's the part of you that's still in love with him that's saying that!
He cheated on you for 2 years! ... which would hardly fall under the definition of perfection. The flirting and the footsie thing is his way of getting back into your life.
So, sure... he's "interested." But, interested in what?... You?... Comforting himself?
And, for how long will he be interested?  Anyway, you can't "make him love" you. But, if you want to give it a try... and, if you're willing to look past his cheating ways... and, if you don't mind placing yourself in the vulnerable position of being betrayed again. Then, go ahead and make yourself available to him.

[penswriter]

he's a cheating dirt bag telling you and doing what he can to keep you strung along. he's NOT perfect. he's a lowly scum bag and you really need to move on. otherwise you're always going to be his extra piece on the side he can have whenever he feels like it then go back to the other woman. you're enabling him to continue with his disgusting behavior and eventually he'll dump you off to the side like a piece of trash for the next best thing.

good luck.

[mami1323]

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater because people do grow and learn but its obvious that this guy hasn't done either and that only shows that he will constantly repeat the same mistakes.

[specialmom]

I also think you talk of a proper chance . . . can I suggest to you that you two had a chance while he was dating you for 3 years and cheated on you for two of them.  

Sometimes we confuse love with something else . . . I think that is happening here.  

I'd suggest some counseling to sort out your feelings and why you would want a man like this back and why he seems perfect to you.  Once you explore that and get stronger inside to look at this realistically, then you will move on.  Eventually you will meet someone that will love you completely and treat you as you deserve to be treated.  goodluck

[Judy246]

Ok, time for a reality check.... 'HE CHEATED ON YOU", which make him dishonest, untrustworthy, unfaithful, opportunist, selfish, disrespectul, inconsideret and ....shall I go on?  

You are in love with you, but he is not "in" love with you, since he cheated on you and moved on so easily. So, played footie. I bet he will play footsie with them too...he's a guy and if given an opportunity, he will footsie his way to anyone he is attracted too! AND he told you he has moved on!  You can not make anyone fall in love with you. You can only change yourself, but no one else. He hugged you and you felt he flirted, because you once had a history and he cares about you and  knows you, BUT he is no longer in love with you and wants you in reality to move on with your life. He doesn't want to hurt you, because he cares, but that is not love.

It scares me to hear any young girl say, " I can't live without him"...this is like a "worship" and no man deserves your actual life. This means that you are codependent on someone who is not responding back to you with such a "worship".

Also, he is far from perfect. Perfection doesn't exit and he cheated on you and you think he is perfect...he's not, he's very imperfect and lacks values.

It's time to accept what you can't change and never permit anyone to treat you with such dishonesty and disrespect as he did, because you know what...he will do it again.

It's time to start valueing yourself and making a plan for your life. This you can control. Surround yourself with family, good friends, take action on what you enjoy and life has a way of falling into place and when you least expected, the true Mr. Perfect, will be right around the corner just dying to meet you, but this guy is only an obsession and risk not worth taking....it will be taking 2 steps backward, instead as he stated to move forward or move on. Good Luck, Judy

[notsure101812]

I dont think that he is a cheat but more that he got caught up in a difficult situation. He forgot to return my things to me and when I chase him for them he now doesnt reply. Does this mean that he is delaying a formal end when he returns my things as he is not sure what he is doing and it is hurting him as much as it is hurtin me? I think he clearly likes the other woman but his flame still burns for me a bit as we have unfinished busines. It is partly my fault though as I never told him what I felt about him until it was too late.

[mami1323]

You can call it whatever you want but when you are in a relationship with one person and then sleeping with or having a secondary relationship it's considered cheating.  It sounds like you are finding excuses for this guy because you love him and they say love is blind but you are not seeing the true picture.  He isn't hurting because he has the both of you.  Why would he hurt?  He has her and he knows it's only a matter of time before he has you to.  He's not returning your stuff because he doesn't feel like it.  If he wanted to see you, he could regardless if he has your stuff or not.  After 3 years of being with him, I'm very sure he knows how you felt, so stop blaming yourself for his indiscretions.  You need to do some soul searching here and figure out why you would settle for this type of man.  

[specialmom]

I think what he feels is irrelavent.  YOU deserve better than this.  YOU should not want this man.  Be strong here.  Get your things and move on.  There is a world out there full of people that will treat you better.  None of this happened because of what you did or didn't do . . . he has a lack of character.  So don't beat yourself up.  If there is something to be wondering about regarding you . . . well, it is only why you would want a man like this.  That deserves some exploration.  Good luck.  I know it is hard----  I really do.  But you CAN move on and be happy.  You have to want to though.

[notsure101812]

Well we met up again this week (he told her he was watching the football at home) and again nothign happened but he was lying to her again so that is not good for her is it if he were truly committed.
He says that he likes to see me, and he is always running risk of seeing her friends when he is out with me etc so I am confused as to why he does it. I think there is still a good chance we'll figure it out - he says that I am the right person but we met at a difficult time for us both which is definitely true so that means I can forgive him. Without these circumstances I would never speak to him again.
What do you think that he truly wants - he says that he still loves me and if he met me in a bar and werent in a relationship we would be together. Do you think I should just bide my time? What do you think he really wants if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt? I think we both could have done more to make it work but it was mainly circumstances as to why it didnt and he felt that by being older he was in some way inhibiting my life so I think he wanted to set me free to see if I met someone else. THat said, he shouldnt have gone off with someone else.
We are both adults - I am mid 30s he is mid 40s. A confused mess for us both really.

[specialmom]

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I think you feed his ego.  At best, I think that is what he wants.  Momentary gratification.  If he were interested in more, he would break off his relationship and be with you.  

Remember though, he has a pattern.  He had it while he was with you.  He has it now with the new girlfriend.  Is that what you want?  As a relationship goes into more permanent phases, you don't want a man that you can't trust.  This guy is a man that you really could never trust.  If you got together with him, he would cheat again.  

And he knows you like him/love him.  He is being cruel and playing with your heart to make himself feel better about himself.  

So, please work on yourself.  Grow your own life to the point that you feel like a man has to live up to some standards to be with you.  You can do this-----  I have faith in you.  Start fresh.  Start over and go for it.  good luck

[mami1323]

Wow, you are in your 30's, I could've sworn you were younger by the way you speak.  You really are believing his stories and I'm sure it makes you feel good that he's now cheating on you with the woman he left you for.  A little revenge but whose revenge is it?  Like specialmom said, if he was serious about being with you he would end it with her.  And he was with you first, and now he's with her and wants you.  It's such an ugly cycle, maybe one of you will get up the courage to walk away from this user.  He's not confused, he knows exactly what he's doing.  You are giving this man way too much credit.  He's not torn, he's got you both exactly where he wants you.  If you stay with him you will be wasting your time because even if he ends up with you, it's only a matter of time before he's looking elsewhere.  Don't know what more we can tell you, he's obviously got you wrapped around his finger.

[punkin1515]

Not perfect or you would feel no less than complete... but hope all works out... I would keep looking myself!! Good luck..Cara

[teko]

I am not sure what you are feeling, but it is not love. Do you feel the need to be treated badly? Did you have a bad childhood? This is simply not healthy for anyone, and mostly you.

[notsure101812]

Hi - no I was blessed with a wonderful childhood and a very happy life until this mess unravelled. I guess that you cant have it all, and until now I have been very fortunate.
It is rather annoying that he gets off scot free, but I guess that it is the way it goes sometimes.

[specialmom]

I am not sure what the scott free comment means-----------  I think that YOU are getting out with no more heart ache.  That is the point.  I'm strongly suggesting that you seek a little counseling to figure out what would draw you to this type of person.  Winning is not a reason to take a guy back (because you will lose again next time.)  good luck----------  be strong.

[notsure101812]

Scott free, I mean that he cheats and lies and yet has someone to enjoy a great relationship with whereas I am on my own for the moment. That is why I guess that I feel that he did wrong but gets away with it - I think that until he loses out he will continue.

[specialmom]

Well, who cares?  Life isn't fair.  In the end, he will have destroyed all the romantic relaitonships he has had.  I'm sure at some point, he'll get that.  But by then, you should be long gone and doing something else with your life.  The BEST revenge is for you to be in a healthy adult relationship with a faithful man.  Aim for that.

PS:  being on your own means having time to work on the things you need to.  There is nothing wrong with "being on your own" as you shouldn't need a man to feel complete.  Yeah, they are great.  But good relationships happen after adults discover that they don't NEED one to be happy.  Be happy first and then start a relationship.  Just my opinion.  good luck

[mami1323]

You sound familiar to another poster who we had on here who was cheating with her ex and wanted to tell his girlfriend because she felt that he was getting away with something. In the end you are the one who is winning because you will have left for a healthy life and a healthy future relationship.

[notsure101812]

Mami - I am not cheating with my ex although like her I share her views. He has a good life and I have to try harder to have fun. I dont think it matters that he destroys his ronantic relationships as he always lands in another new and excitign one without ever having to get into the normal phase of a relationship.

[mami1323]

You would think that would be wonderful the way he lives his life but eventually he will get bored of bed hoping and he will want a substantial relationship.  However, he will fail at that since he doesn't know how to be in a healthy committed relationship.  One day he will decide that "she's the one" and he will find himself probably cheating on her and he will be hit with consequences and most likely regret the way he's lived his life.  You don't know his personal demons.  You only know what he shows you.  If he were happy and fulfilled, he would feel no need to keep jumping from one woman to the next.  Instead of focusing on him and how he's living his life, focus on yourself and on making yourself satisfied.  Life is too short and you don't need to waste it on a man that isn't worth it.

[specialmom]

you are spending far too much time thinking about this loser guy than you are yourself.  That is vey concerning.  Almost obsessive.  Move on or drive yourself nuts.  goodluck