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Feel Like Husbands Family is Ruining Our Marriage
First off let me say that I am super sorry this is such a novel but that I could really use some advice or at least someone to tell me if it is honestly my fault or to tell me that I’m not crazy for feeling so broken because of this.
Ever since I met my husband I have felt like the third wheel around his family and they have made points to tell me that I am not liked. I have been with my husband for 3 years now. I have a 4 year old that he is supposed to be adopting from a previous relationship and together he and I have another daughter that just turned 2 last week. I have always put up with his families dislike of me and have tried to be the bigger person and let things go. Before we got married his mother came to our house crying because her and her son were in a fight and he wouldn’t talk to her so I felt bad and talked to her and during our conversation she tells me that she doesn’t know why her son is with me. That he should be with someone from Harvard or Columbia instead of a stupid little party girl like me.
Recently my mother in law called me to tell me how unsupportive I am of my husband and how I am the worst daughter in law and biggest disappointment in her life. I posted to all my friends on facebook that “I love when my mother in law calls me a disappointment. Just means she loves me!” All my friends commented about how horrible in laws can be and to not let her get to me. Well my niece (on my husband’s side) saw the post and texted me telling me I’m a horrible person and how could I do that to her grandma? Then I get a call from my husband saying that his niece had seen it and that his mom was mad and upset and that I was uninvited to his sister’s wedding until I deleted the post and apologized to his mother. His mother also decided to email every friend of mine that commented on it and tell them that she loves my family and that I was exaggerating and wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt my family and loved us all. Anyways, I refused for 3 days to apologize because I don’t feel like I should have to censor what I say to my friends. But I could see that it was hurting my husband and so I decided to be the bigger person and I apologized and deleted the post. At the wedding they were short with me and rude and during the family “couples” dances and toasts I was given the job of filling up shots by myself on the other side of the venue.
My husband recently was cornered by his mom into leaving his job to come do the sales for her job. She claimed that he would be making better money since it was commissioned based, but that he would need to work really hard to get the numbers up to receive decent money. Before that he was making about 3000-8000 a month at his old job. When he told me he was going to quit and go work for his mom I BEGGED him not to. I told him that I didn’t think she would ever allow him to make more then he was currently making and I knew if he was with them 24/7 that they would get involved in our relationship and I didn’t want that. Within the first two months of working there he was only bringing in about $500 a week which to support our household (since I had just graduated from college and was searching for a job) was not enough. I ended up trying to sign up for food stamps and we were sent eviction papers from the landlord of the property we rent. When we needed to send in the food stamp papers I had just picked up my daughter from school and was wearing sweat pants. He told me to come into the office to fax the papers so I came in for about 5 minutes and left. About a week later is when we received the eviction notice which he asked me to bring him and then left on his desk for about a week. Then I ended up getting a job and called him to say “YAY” and he asked me to stop by the office so he could borrow some money. I went down to his office and handed him a $20 and asked if it was enough and he said that he needed to pay his phone bill and so I went out to my car and came back in and gave him $100. Then I reminded him that my car bill was due the next day so I needed the money back asap. That night I got a call from my mother-in-law screaming at me that I was NEVER allowed to come to her office again because I create too make conflict for a work environment. I asked her what she meant since I hadn’t felt like I had done anything and she starts yelling about how I come into her office in pjs and leave our eviction crap all over the place for anyone to find and that I was yelling at Nathan about money when I went into the office earlier that day. I started to cry and my husband was like “whats wrong” and so I hung up on her and told him and he was upset because he felt that I too had done nothing wrong and that I most certainly hadn’t yelled and so he called her and told her to back off. Then after calling her he tells me that its my fault and that I need to respect her boundaries.
Ever since I met my husband I have felt like the third wheel around his family and they have made points to tell me that I am not liked. I have been with my husband for 3 years now. I have a 4 year old that he is supposed to be adopting from a previous relationship and together he and I have another daughter that just turned 2 last week. I have always put up with his families dislike of me and have tried to be the bigger person and let things go. Before we got married his mother came to our house crying because her and her son were in a fight and he wouldn’t talk to her so I felt bad and talked to her and during our conversation she tells me that she doesn’t know why her son is with me. That he should be with someone from Harvard or Columbia instead of a stupid little party girl like me.
Recently my mother in law called me to tell me how unsupportive I am of my husband and how I am the worst daughter in law and biggest disappointment in her life. I posted to all my friends on facebook that “I love when my mother in law calls me a disappointment. Just means she loves me!” All my friends commented about how horrible in laws can be and to not let her get to me. Well my niece (on my husband’s side) saw the post and texted me telling me I’m a horrible person and how could I do that to her grandma? Then I get a call from my husband saying that his niece had seen it and that his mom was mad and upset and that I was uninvited to his sister’s wedding until I deleted the post and apologized to his mother. His mother also decided to email every friend of mine that commented on it and tell them that she loves my family and that I was exaggerating and wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt my family and loved us all. Anyways, I refused for 3 days to apologize because I don’t feel like I should have to censor what I say to my friends. But I could see that it was hurting my husband and so I decided to be the bigger person and I apologized and deleted the post. At the wedding they were short with me and rude and during the family “couples” dances and toasts I was given the job of filling up shots by myself on the other side of the venue.
My husband recently was cornered by his mom into leaving his job to come do the sales for her job. She claimed that he would be making better money since it was commissioned based, but that he would need to work really hard to get the numbers up to receive decent money. Before that he was making about 3000-8000 a month at his old job. When he told me he was going to quit and go work for his mom I BEGGED him not to. I told him that I didn’t think she would ever allow him to make more then he was currently making and I knew if he was with them 24/7 that they would get involved in our relationship and I didn’t want that. Within the first two months of working there he was only bringing in about $500 a week which to support our household (since I had just graduated from college and was searching for a job) was not enough. I ended up trying to sign up for food stamps and we were sent eviction papers from the landlord of the property we rent. When we needed to send in the food stamp papers I had just picked up my daughter from school and was wearing sweat pants. He told me to come into the office to fax the papers so I came in for about 5 minutes and left. About a week later is when we received the eviction notice which he asked me to bring him and then left on his desk for about a week. Then I ended up getting a job and called him to say “YAY” and he asked me to stop by the office so he could borrow some money. I went down to his office and handed him a $20 and asked if it was enough and he said that he needed to pay his phone bill and so I went out to my car and came back in and gave him $100. Then I reminded him that my car bill was due the next day so I needed the money back asap. That night I got a call from my mother-in-law screaming at me that I was NEVER allowed to come to her office again because I create too make conflict for a work environment. I asked her what she meant since I hadn’t felt like I had done anything and she starts yelling about how I come into her office in pjs and leave our eviction crap all over the place for anyone to find and that I was yelling at Nathan about money when I went into the office earlier that day. I started to cry and my husband was like “whats wrong” and so I hung up on her and told him and he was upset because he felt that I too had done nothing wrong and that I most certainly hadn’t yelled and so he called her and told her to back off. Then after calling her he tells me that its my fault and that I need to respect her boundaries.
I read your story and my heart aches for you. I cant imagine how you are feeling. But no offense your husband sounds like little boy always running back to his momma. I don't think that will ever change unfortunately. I mean she cosigns cars for him and has his password on FB and got him to change a job to work with her.
You were wrong on posting things on FB. That is just a recipe for disaster. I am really not sure what you should do. Counseling is a good start and I hope that this can solve some things so you do not have to get a divorce.
Oh! and I would be furious if my children were taken to family counseling to vent about how bad of a person I was!!! How did you talk to your husband about this?
You were wrong on posting things on FB. That is just a recipe for disaster. I am really not sure what you should do. Counseling is a good start and I hope that this can solve some things so you do not have to get a divorce.
Oh! and I would be furious if my children were taken to family counseling to vent about how bad of a person I was!!! How did you talk to your husband about this?
So family DOES get to view your facebook - your husband has your password and for some reason he gives it to her.
I have a sister in law that posts negative family things on her wall, and I am always amazed she does that. REALLY? She posts stuff like "Aren't 18 year old daughters lovely NOT", "I'm really, really disappointed and never imagined someone I trusted so much would turn out to be such a jerk" and then a friend posts is it P.C. we're talking about and she says of course. This woman is 50 years old and she acts like she's 12. It has very much hurt her reputation within my husband's family. If you need to vent to a friend send an email or pick up the phone - putting it out there publicly is just . .. well, drama.
I certainly don't think you're all the blame, alaysha, but you and your husband's family have met and formed the perfect storm of a group of people who enjoy not getting along. I don't think you're feeding this fire - I think it's feeding you. I think this rivalry you have with his whole family is actually the fuel source for the energy that gets you through the day.
And that sounds like I'm blaming you for all this. I'm not. It's their fuel source too. So meanwhile, this is making havoc for your two beautiful daughters.
What would it cost you emotionally to just rest it? Completely rest it, the way you don't carry around anger about swarming bees?
I have a sister in law that posts negative family things on her wall, and I am always amazed she does that. REALLY? She posts stuff like "Aren't 18 year old daughters lovely NOT", "I'm really, really disappointed and never imagined someone I trusted so much would turn out to be such a jerk" and then a friend posts is it P.C. we're talking about and she says of course. This woman is 50 years old and she acts like she's 12. It has very much hurt her reputation within my husband's family. If you need to vent to a friend send an email or pick up the phone - putting it out there publicly is just . .. well, drama.
I certainly don't think you're all the blame, alaysha, but you and your husband's family have met and formed the perfect storm of a group of people who enjoy not getting along. I don't think you're feeding this fire - I think it's feeding you. I think this rivalry you have with his whole family is actually the fuel source for the energy that gets you through the day.
And that sounds like I'm blaming you for all this. I'm not. It's their fuel source too. So meanwhile, this is making havoc for your two beautiful daughters.
What would it cost you emotionally to just rest it? Completely rest it, the way you don't carry around anger about swarming bees?
Oh and when I post things on Facebook I post them for my friends. Its me venting to my friends. His family and relatives are not my friends on Facebook (his niece was once but after the wedding fiasco no more) and my profile is private so theoretically they shouldn't be able to see anything I write or do. But instead, she asks her son for his password and he gives it to her. I've told him not to because she starts drama and he continues to do it.
@ Rockrose- Its my first marriage, My oldest daughter is from a relationship when I was 19. I left before she turned one.
@Nighthawk61- its free counseling from the courts before we proceed with divorce. I never asked the teacher to lie for me, I just told her I was going to pretend she didn't say anything. My problem is with his sister asking and then starting drama between him and I. It was a little white lie because I wanted to see him and show him my pretty new nails and trust me when I say I have not gone back into that office since AND that I didn't think it would be such a big deal to begin with. Also what is missing in this story is that 2 weeks ago he told me he had to work late and would take the kids to a sitters because I was throwing a bridal shower. I come home and he leaves to go get cigarettes and I sat down on the couch with my 4 year old and asked if she had fun to which she replied that yes she had gone with his WHOLE family, including him to a place where they sat in a circle and said their names. When he got home I asked him to go outside and explain to me what he was talking about and he said that they went to family counseling to talk about him being late to work, not coming in to work and how they think I am toxic and taking advantage of him and that he needs to leave me.
Also, this began from the day I met his mom. I had gone on a date with my husband and left my car at the restaurant. He ended up getting a table at one of the nightclubs and we had friends come and join us. I didn't drink and thought it was unsafe for him to drive me back to my car. I was going to get a taxi and instead he told me just to take his car and to bring it back to the restaurant before I went to school and swap it for my car and that he'd pick his up in the afternoon. Then that morning as I'm getting ready to go and drop off the car before class he calls and says he needs the car back at the restaurant ASAP. Turns out that his mom co-signed on the car and she went to his house that morning and noticed it was gone and was demanding it be brought back right then. I said no problem because I didn't want him to get in trouble and when I pulled up to the restaurant his mom was already in the parking lot and when I got out of the car and walked over to give her the keys she said to me, "If you ever touch this car again I will call the cops." To which I was like, "Um... okay" Because I didn't want to get into an argument about her son told me to take it. I went and got into my own car and as I was backing out I saw that she was writing down my licence plate. A month later I found out I was pregnant. Since then it has been like this.
@Nighthawk61- its free counseling from the courts before we proceed with divorce. I never asked the teacher to lie for me, I just told her I was going to pretend she didn't say anything. My problem is with his sister asking and then starting drama between him and I. It was a little white lie because I wanted to see him and show him my pretty new nails and trust me when I say I have not gone back into that office since AND that I didn't think it would be such a big deal to begin with. Also what is missing in this story is that 2 weeks ago he told me he had to work late and would take the kids to a sitters because I was throwing a bridal shower. I come home and he leaves to go get cigarettes and I sat down on the couch with my 4 year old and asked if she had fun to which she replied that yes she had gone with his WHOLE family, including him to a place where they sat in a circle and said their names. When he got home I asked him to go outside and explain to me what he was talking about and he said that they went to family counseling to talk about him being late to work, not coming in to work and how they think I am toxic and taking advantage of him and that he needs to leave me.
Also, this began from the day I met his mom. I had gone on a date with my husband and left my car at the restaurant. He ended up getting a table at one of the nightclubs and we had friends come and join us. I didn't drink and thought it was unsafe for him to drive me back to my car. I was going to get a taxi and instead he told me just to take his car and to bring it back to the restaurant before I went to school and swap it for my car and that he'd pick his up in the afternoon. Then that morning as I'm getting ready to go and drop off the car before class he calls and says he needs the car back at the restaurant ASAP. Turns out that his mom co-signed on the car and she went to his house that morning and noticed it was gone and was demanding it be brought back right then. I said no problem because I didn't want him to get in trouble and when I pulled up to the restaurant his mom was already in the parking lot and when I got out of the car and walked over to give her the keys she said to me, "If you ever touch this car again I will call the cops." To which I was like, "Um... okay" Because I didn't want to get into an argument about her son told me to take it. I went and got into my own car and as I was backing out I saw that she was writing down my licence plate. A month later I found out I was pregnant. Since then it has been like this.
Hi there Alaysha –
Wow, that was one long post but it needed to be. You had a lot to say and considering everything you are going through, I can’t say I blame you. I am so-o truly sorry for what you are have to cope with. While I was married to my first husband, at least his family was very decent to me. After we divorced that changed. It’s been 26 years now and their son passed away a few years back. Since then he has become some kind of ‘saint’ to them! They never had much to do with him, or very nice things to say when he was alive, but now that he’s gone, they became ugly with me and even got between me and one of my daughters. She and I haven’t spoken in over 8 years now.
You are tolerating so much, my heart goes out to you! It certainly doesn’t help that your husband appears to be taking sides with his family against you. The way they are all behaving is so ridiculously childish. I am truly amazed that you have been able to tolerate it all thus far! I don’t know what kind of advice I can truly give you. I think you just need to prepare yourself emotionally for anything and everything. I admire you for being willing to go to counseling with your mother-in-law. Chances are that isn’t going to happen and I am so sorry for that. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place with that entire family! It appears as though you’re husband is more concerned about losing them than losing you. That’s why it’s so incredibly important to get counseling for yourself. You need to keep your emotions stable, otherwise those people are going to twist you every which way.
The only thing that truly matters now is your children. No matter what you do or say, I don’t believe it will ever be good enough for husband and his family. There will come a time when you know just how much you will be able to tolerate. It’s different for everyone. I send all my best wishes for you and your children! Feel free to write/message me if you need someone to listen. Just continue to take care of your little ones and be pleasant with your in-laws when circumstances throws you together. Otherwise I would stop going out of my way to try and please them … from everything you wrote, I don’t think they CAN be pleased. They don’t appear to even be willing to try. That’s why someone must take care of you … and right now that must be YOU! Take care Alaysha!
Wow, that was one long post but it needed to be. You had a lot to say and considering everything you are going through, I can’t say I blame you. I am so-o truly sorry for what you are have to cope with. While I was married to my first husband, at least his family was very decent to me. After we divorced that changed. It’s been 26 years now and their son passed away a few years back. Since then he has become some kind of ‘saint’ to them! They never had much to do with him, or very nice things to say when he was alive, but now that he’s gone, they became ugly with me and even got between me and one of my daughters. She and I haven’t spoken in over 8 years now.
You are tolerating so much, my heart goes out to you! It certainly doesn’t help that your husband appears to be taking sides with his family against you. The way they are all behaving is so ridiculously childish. I am truly amazed that you have been able to tolerate it all thus far! I don’t know what kind of advice I can truly give you. I think you just need to prepare yourself emotionally for anything and everything. I admire you for being willing to go to counseling with your mother-in-law. Chances are that isn’t going to happen and I am so sorry for that. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place with that entire family! It appears as though you’re husband is more concerned about losing them than losing you. That’s why it’s so incredibly important to get counseling for yourself. You need to keep your emotions stable, otherwise those people are going to twist you every which way.
The only thing that truly matters now is your children. No matter what you do or say, I don’t believe it will ever be good enough for husband and his family. There will come a time when you know just how much you will be able to tolerate. It’s different for everyone. I send all my best wishes for you and your children! Feel free to write/message me if you need someone to listen. Just continue to take care of your little ones and be pleasant with your in-laws when circumstances throws you together. Otherwise I would stop going out of my way to try and please them … from everything you wrote, I don’t think they CAN be pleased. They don’t appear to even be willing to try. That’s why someone must take care of you … and right now that must be YOU! Take care Alaysha!
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