Aa
Follow up - feeling trapped, confused
My previous post on this was deleted, not sure why... To catch anyone up that cares to discuss, my husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for 10. He has a 13 y/o daughter; we have two daughters together, 9 and 2. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive throughout our relationship. Another problem is that I have never really been physically attracted to him from the beginning. I thought he was a good-hearted person, responsible, etc. and that he would be a good father to my children (and still do). I was in a bad way, just out of several back-to-back abusive relationships (and my step-father was verbally and physically abusive to me as a child). I loved my husband, and had strong emotional feelings for him at one time, but all the resentment I have built up over the years from him being controlling and abusive have since faded those feelings completely away. I also thought I could get over the physical part (or lack-there of), but turns out not so much. I told him about two months ago that I was no longer in love with him, felt more like roommates/friends than husband and wife, and that I was considering a divorce. He has since turned himself around and has vowed to become a better man. He's doing great at it, but I still don't feel anything for him but the love of a friend and a father to my children. He had a mental break-down when I told him I wanted a trial separation last week. Almost had to check himself into the hospital and I was scared he was going to commit suicide. He left (sort-of) for a couple days but didn't really have any where to stay, slept in his truck, at the neighbors house, etc. I have a lot of guilt over all this and I still do care deeply about his well-being, so I told him he could just stay at the house. We agreed he would sleep on the couch or on the spare bed and give me my space for a while so that I could think about things. I'm pretty sure those feeling for him I had at one time are gone forever and I feel trapped in my own house.
I do have to mention that I have also not been completely faithful to him (on and off with the same guy for about 5 yrs). I don't blame him for the "affair"...I take total responsibility and I know what I did was wrong. I just wasn't used to the positive attention and the fact that I could be physically attracted to someone and it was mutual. I didn't think about the consequences or who I would be hurting.
So, there's my story. Like me or not, I am human and I make mistakes. I'll take anyone's input, negative or positive.
I do have to mention that I have also not been completely faithful to him (on and off with the same guy for about 5 yrs). I don't blame him for the "affair"...I take total responsibility and I know what I did was wrong. I just wasn't used to the positive attention and the fact that I could be physically attracted to someone and it was mutual. I didn't think about the consequences or who I would be hurting.
So, there's my story. Like me or not, I am human and I make mistakes. I'll take anyone's input, negative or positive.
I don't know why it was deleted either. I think you have to tell him to leave the house or you have to leave the house. You can't stay with him out of guilt and he knows that you feel this way and will use it to control you. I think you need to give him a timeline. Tell him that you want him out in a month or tell him you are leaving in a month. This way there are no surprises. I totally understand the trapped feeling. When my first love and I split, we still lived together and it took him months to leave. It hurt so much because I wanted to get back together and he didn't so the torture of living separate lives but yet having to still see him was horrendous. Eventually I just told him that he had to leave. I gave him a time limit and he left a month or so later. It was the best thing for the both of us.
A timeline is a great idea and that would be my advice too. You can't go on like this forever for the sanity of all of you (children too!). I read your other post and someone had mentioned that your husband now has a "weapon" against you and that is your guilt. I couldn't agree more. The longer this goes on the harder it will be for everyone involved.
I applaud your courage and it has been a journey since you started posting here and how you handled all comments. As per our earlier conversation last week, I was also concerned that he might be a high risk for suicide and I was relieved to hear that he did attempt get help thorough a hospital. For now, make sure that he continues to be aware that the relationship is over. It will take him time to accept it, but eventually he will and I'm hoping that maybe family members within time will step in and offer to help him with housing. How are you daughter coming along with what is happening at home, especially your eldest daughter? Judy
I agree on the time line as well. There will be that discussion in the future. I'm letting him get some counseling and maybe he will be able to accept it a little better if his head is on straight. He doesn't know that I am leaning more towards splitting up yet. Every time I bring it up he starts crying and having anxiety attacks. I know he's going to be upset no matter what, I just want him to be more emotionally stable before I bring it up again. He had his first appointment with a counselor today and has been journaling. I read what he's written so far (at his request) and it's all still about how he's changing and how much he loves me and feels bad for the last ten years. He says he hopes and prays that I make the decision to be with him and that we grow old together. He even called the 700 Club yesterday and had them say a prayer. I wish I hadn't read all that stuff now.
The only one that's really been affected by all this is our 9 y/o daughter. The 13 y/o lives with her mother and the 2 y/o is too young to understand. The 9 y/o seemed to understand last week when all the separation talk was going on, and understandably she was upset. I wish she hadn't have even heard anything that was said, but he was so out of his mind that he was saying things in front of her not thinking. At one point I had to take him outside and tell him if he said one more word about it in front of her or tried to make me look bad again, I was going to make my decision right then and there and file for divorce. He had walked past her and muttered something about being kicked out of his own house and I said HEY!!! WHOAH BUDDY, OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW!!! Then he claimed he didn't realize he was saying it. I call BS on that...sorry bud. The more and more I think about it, the more I think I'm being manipulated. But hey, if I have to play his game to keep my kids from getting hurt then so be it.
Heck yeah you are. Having you read his journal so that you feel sorry for him. Next time he asks you to read simply say that these are his own personal thoughts and that he should only write so that it helps himself. There is no need for you to know. You can't always feel sorry for him. You're not doing this to hurt him, you are doing this so you both have a chance at happiness. He can't see it now but he will when he's moved on with his life.
This is just a suggestion, it wouldn't hur to talk to your daughters teacher or school counselor to just have a chat with and reassure her not to worry, that mom and dad are having differences, but it's being workend out, so that she see's that although mom and dad have been fighting, it's not her fault and no matter the outcome, everything is going to fall into place. I agree that your husband has bite his tongue around his daughters for the sake of their emotional well being.
Judy, there's really no fighting going on. He is trying so hard to keep me right now that he's agreeing with everything I say. Last Thurs when he freaked out on me was the only time that things got escalated. I'm not sure if she thinks we are ok now or what. I know I need to talk to her, I just don't want to bring anything up when things are so indefinite right now. I can't really say anything to her about it until I tell him anyway.
sorry, me & my specialty typo's....I meant "I agree that your husband has to bite his tonge around his daughters for ...." How are you coming along with everything that has happened so far?
Well like I said I feel trapped in my own house but I know that I have to live with that for now for the sake of my husband and children's mental health. I'm a lot like my mother in many ways in that aspect. She stayed for many years "for the kids". The only problem is she didn't realize that staying so long actually hurt her children. I have severe trust issues because of my step-father not to mention very low self-esteem. I'm still self-conscious, but I don't let men walk all over me anymore. Neither one of my younger brothers know how to take care of themselves and they are in their mid 20's. I know what I have to do, I just have to do it in the right way with the least amount of drama possible.
I think at some point your kids will understand why you did it. Who knows, perhaps they will be happier for it. It's not an easy choice but it's the best choice for you both. Even though your husband can't see it now.
I remember your first post very well,your second post has changed a lot and i remember all of the answers you recieved, most which were very negative towards you, and you got real upset first impresions seem to be lasting ones, so i will not comment on this post, i am quite sure you remember the answers you received,i also gave a negative answer,your post is so different, that i shall have to pass as my answer also upset you, and others will remember what each one said, and if i changed my mind now what would that make me i shall wish you luck jo
I understand. I am interested, however, in how you think my second post has changed from the first. Or if anyone else has any insight on this, I'd be interested to hear that as well.
I agree with Jo and my response to the deleted post was also negative if you wanted to take it that way. I considered it to be honest, myself, but am supposing someone else thought different. Oh well,
We had a guy here kill his wife and 5 kids. He was considered to be the perfect daddy and hubby. You took this dude back after his mental escapades because you felt guilty, not because you cared. You married this dude for all the wrong reasons to begin with and then when you saw the error of your ways, wanted to yank his life out from under him. Yep anyone, who read those posts that got deleted for whatever reason, knows and remembers. My sympathies go to the children. Nuff said.
We had a guy here kill his wife and 5 kids. He was considered to be the perfect daddy and hubby. You took this dude back after his mental escapades because you felt guilty, not because you cared. You married this dude for all the wrong reasons to begin with and then when you saw the error of your ways, wanted to yank his life out from under him. Yep anyone, who read those posts that got deleted for whatever reason, knows and remembers. My sympathies go to the children. Nuff said.
First of all I don't know what the guy killing his wife and kids has to do with my situation. Second of all, I don't see how you think that marrying someone because you think they are a good person and genuinely care about them is "all the wrong reasons". I do love my husband, whether you think I do or not. I just don't have romantic feelings for him anymore because of the abuse he put me through. I'm not going to sit her and defend myself to you though. I just want anyone who reads this post to know that I am not a bad person. The reason I HAVE guilt is because I care about him. I could have been a cold-hearted ***** and just left him high and dry, took the kids, you name it. But I am sticking by his side, putting my own happiness at bay until he gets his head together. All this, after he made the last ten years of my life a living hell.
OK I wasn't going to say anything, but come on. It is obvoius from the post that was deleted and this one you have used this guy from the beginning, he was someone that showed you compasion and you took advantage of that.You made a baby THEN got married and then cheated on him, so he is the bad guy? I would truly bet that his "abuse" is a direct reflection of how you have treated him. If you didn't find him physically attractive then why did you get pregnant out of wedlock, marry him and then make another baby? I agree with Teko, my sympathies go to the children. Yes you are cold hearted and a few other choice names.
wilflower he isn't your responsibility. I understand completely the feelings of guilt you have but you aren't helping him or yourself if you stay with him because you feel bad for leaving a loveless marriage. He has to help himself. He also could be using these feelings that you have to continue to control you. It's obviously working. Give him that time limit and get on with your life so he can get on with his.
I agree with Mami, He has to accept what he can't change and move foward with his life. Give him a time limit and all parties to move forward with there lives.
No need to defend yourself to me or even respond for that matter. I was noting the deleted posts. Other than that, as I said, I am done with this post so no need to get yer panties in a wad. Good luck whatever you decide.
I remember the original post that occured sometime earlier last week. I hate to break it to you, but I have to agree with some of the other members here and say to you that this post is completely different from the one we all read last week. Although I'm not sure how the story could've changed that much from one week to the next when it dealt with the same man and/or situation -- but okay....?
My response to you would be similar to the one I left for you last week. You came on the boards last week and asked for help, but you'd already made your mind up five years prior to even coming onto the boards by falling into another man's arms while having an affair behind your husband's back. Now you've ventured back to the boards [a mere week later] to share the same story, only a different version. You want to know what to do, even though you've already stated to each and every one of us what you've done already by allowing him to come back into the home instead of sleeping in his truck or at a neighbors' home nearby. If you're that worried about his actions against you or anyone else within the house, you shouldn't have made the initial decision to let him back into the household. Don't take offense to my words [again] and instead, merely view them for their worth -- nothing more and nothing less.
I understand that you're only trying to be kind in the matter. From reading your post above, it sounds like even though you hate to admit it, you know that going behind his back with another man for the past five years was nothing less than in the wrong...and because of that, you've allowed him back in the safety of his own home. BUT... I'd like to try and understand what sort of answers you're looking for at this current time. You want to know what to do, but you're telling us what you've done already.
I hope that makes sense. Stay strong and try and get through this the best you know how...
My response to you would be similar to the one I left for you last week. You came on the boards last week and asked for help, but you'd already made your mind up five years prior to even coming onto the boards by falling into another man's arms while having an affair behind your husband's back. Now you've ventured back to the boards [a mere week later] to share the same story, only a different version. You want to know what to do, even though you've already stated to each and every one of us what you've done already by allowing him to come back into the home instead of sleeping in his truck or at a neighbors' home nearby. If you're that worried about his actions against you or anyone else within the house, you shouldn't have made the initial decision to let him back into the household. Don't take offense to my words [again] and instead, merely view them for their worth -- nothing more and nothing less.
I understand that you're only trying to be kind in the matter. From reading your post above, it sounds like even though you hate to admit it, you know that going behind his back with another man for the past five years was nothing less than in the wrong...and because of that, you've allowed him back in the safety of his own home. BUT... I'd like to try and understand what sort of answers you're looking for at this current time. You want to know what to do, but you're telling us what you've done already.
I hope that makes sense. Stay strong and try and get through this the best you know how...
I'm not really looking for answers, just keeping the discussion going. And no one (so far) has been able to tell me HOW this post is different from the last. It's the same story, just updated with the current events and some of the revelations I came to in the last post.
There isn't much left to say that hasn't already been said. There has been some wonderful advice given on this post as well as the last. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I do hope everything works out for your family and you all will heal with time. This sort of thing is never easy for all parties involved but you will get past it one day. I wish you all the best...
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
