Boyfriend troubles

[Jmcc1990]

I am really upset with my boyfriend, we have been together for over 2 and a half years an lived together for the last 6 months so money is pretty tight at themoment but for his birthday I put out all the stops, a day trip to a theme park birthday cake and ballons and banners and a present and home made dinner. So to ensure he would get me something I liked And wanted I gave him a list of 25 items he could choose from all varied in price I didn't mind if he even got me the cheapest thing just I wanted something this year that I actually liked and wanted. I found the order form for it this morning and not 1 of the 25 items I liked was on the order form it was everything he wanted and liked and I didn't, so I told him I seen the order and to cancel it cause there was not 1 thing he picked that i would wear. The order was for over 100 pounds worth of good and thought may as well cancel e order Instead of wasting over 100 pounds on good I neither want nor will wear. I am now very emotional and upset about the whole situation am I in the wrong? Do I have any right to be upset with him?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Is it your birthday that you are giving him a list for?  I missed what the occasion was.  

When I married my husband, I accepted something.  He is not the most creative with gifts and would probably pick out a toaster every birthday if I said nothing.  I do accept this about him.  My hot button is not gifts----  the 5 love languages is a grea book and gifts is one of the love languages for some people.  They would NOT want to be married to my husband.  

but here is the difference as i see it from what you've written about your boyfriend and my husband.  My husband does want to please me.  I give him a list and have gone as far as to cut out pictures of exactly what I'd like and my husband will go out at Christmas time and 'work the list'.  I do get exactly what I'd like or a very close variation along with a few things he picks out.

You took the time to share with your boyfriend what you'd like.  He ignored that.  Why?  I think that is inconsiderate of your feelings.

So, I do understand why you are upset and think being so is warrented.

I would have a conversation with him.  Not an angry conversation but a calm one in which you ask him exactly why he would ignore a list when you were clear.  That you would like to have something you know you'd use and don't understand why he went a different direction.  Tell him that money is tight, you don't want to waste it on things you'd not like or use, that you make it easy for him by giving him a list, and you'd appreciate it and feel best about things if he just from now on chose something for you off of the list you give him.  

Now, if he ignores clear instructions/directions/wishes like that, then he's got issues and you should definately break up.  Because that would be a little hostile at that point.

Also, gifts were not that important to me but for some, they'd feel like their partner was uncaring and loving due to this love language concept.  how importat to you is this??  Because you don't want to accept something that is constantly going to hurt you or make you feel unloved.  You were sweet to accept him thus far and just give him a list, but I just don't want you feeling bad the rest of your life.  Something to think about.  

good luck dear

[Jmcc1990]

Yes it's for my birthday in Friday and now that I have cancelled his order for the stuff I don't want, he is angry that I cancelled the order. And got angry and told me just to order what I want then, but I refuse to order my own birthday present. I am not that bothered about presents but just if he is goin too spend money make it something I want not he usual DVDs that I don't like but he does. I mean it's my birthday I just want to spend time with him even booked the time off work especially and on the Sunday he's decided to go out with the lads. I just don't feel special to him anymore. I made his birthday special or tried my best to make it special and just don't feel it is being reciprocated. But I feel it is kind of a petty issue as well and I'm not sure why I'm so upset about it or emotional about the situation it's not that big an issue really is it?

[specialmom]

Ya know, I'm with you on this one.  You nicely let him know things you would like and he ignored it.  You wanted to be made to feel special one dog gone day and he made other plans.  

I do think this is a bit of a statement.  I do think he is taking you for granted.  

I do see this as a red flag.

I would wait until he cools off and you cool off and set an expectation.  And mention to him that it hurts your feelings.

And then you really need to think long and hard about this relationship.  If it will be like this forever, is that something you could live with.

My husband doesn't think of great things to buy me but does always make me feel special.  I need that in life.  If you need that, this may not be a long term partner.  good luck dear

[mami1323]

I see what you're saying specialmom.  I remember when my ex boyfriend knew I wanted a leather jacket and he got me such an ugly jacket.  I mean it had fringe on it.  He was so excited to give it to me and I had to tell him that as much as I loved him for getting me the jacket that it wasn't exactly my style.  I had to tell him, I mean was I really going to walk around with a leather fringe jacket?  So partly I can see why you would be upset with him not getting you what you wanted, especially when you gave him a list.  But I also feel like when you do something nice for him or for anyone for that matter, you shouldn't have the expectaton of getting the same in return.  Just do it because you want to do it.  I also like to be surprised and love to see what type of gift my husband will come up with.  So I see both sides of the fence here.  

[RockRose]

jmcc,  I agree with the others but have a detail question.  You say in your first post there was no one item that he picked that "you would wear".  So some of the items were clothing,  not in the style you like but something he'd like to see you in?  I'd wear it,  if I were you at least at home.  The other thing,  where he's buying you merchandise like DVDs that you don't want but he does,  that's a whole 'nother thing.  

One thought,  and we used to do this for Christmas,  is get each other a "for you for me" gift.  That is,  celebrate a birthday with a budget (whatever it is,  100 pounds,  less,  whatever) and get your partner something you want them to do or have (a dinner at your own favorite place,  tickets to a concert you want to go to,  etc.)  Then it's reciprocal.  Don't make it painful - something you know the other person would hate - but jus something for his birthday that you want,  and something for your birthday that he wants.

I do think birthdays can be extremely emotionally loaded,  and sometimes it's time to just let that go.  In your case if all the stuff he picked was really stuff only for him,  that's a red flag.   If he picked some things that he really believed you would like,  that's different.

[specialmom]

Ha, rockrose, I see what you are saying as well.  I guess if he is wanting, for example, her to dress super sexy and she doesn't really like that style, you are saying that she should try to please him once in a while at home.  Maybe.  I do try to look good for my husband.  AND, oh Lordy, my husband lets my boys pick out things for me.  I got this necklace that was gold crocheted material with big beads.  It wasn't cheap and it isn't pretty.  I wear it . . .  with the son who picked it out, around the house or on a 'special outing' he and I may have.  I often point out whenever anyone's eyes go immediately to it as they always do "my dear son picked this out for me, isn't it pretty?" with a twinkle in my eye.  Same goes for various other shirts and sweaters.  Oh,and did I mention my pajama collection picked out by my kids.  I have a pair with boy and girl pigs all over it, I kid you not.  Do I wear them?  Oh yes, you bet I do.  I want my sons to feel good because they picked those items out with love.

So, is your boyfriend picking items out with love?  Can you accomodate him a bit and wear say one item he picks out or is he just ignoring you and not understanding who you are as a person??  

I think -----------  really, I believe-----------  that giving gifts is about pleasing the other person.  If he thought his ideas would please you, okay.  If he really didn't care, not okay.  

[vicki595]

SP~   Girl and boy pig pajamas!  I'm still laughing!  It just struck me so funny cuz I'm picturing them!!   LOL!

Some guys just don't have a "gift" for getting us gifts!  I think if he's an otherwise great guy...maybe this could be overlooked?   And, perhaps have a chat for the future and decide just how the gift giving will be handled; especially when money is so tight.

I'm sorry you feel so badly but I hope you two can push past this so you have a nice birthday!

[specialmom]

I think that is really excellent advice.  If he is a good guy overall, this is something that can be worked out.  

I tell you, I wear my pig jammies with pride!  I have another pair that has glasses of milk and choc. chip cookies all over them.  Very cozy in winter! My boys are great little shoppers.

[Jmcc1990]

We had a chat tonight and he explained he lost the list so went back on the website I was on and visited stuff I had looked so he thought these where things I wanted, but they where just things I was looking at. It wasn't the fact of expecting what I did for him on his birthday just expecting to be sort of made special or something for the day.
I don't want a fancy meal or even a day out just some special time we could put aside for one another. He isn't a bad guy he can be sweet and thoughtful on occasions.
I don't ask much of him ever just I see other couples and the effort they make on occasions and I just wanted something similar to that and a gift I would appreciate and wouldn't have to fake smile at.
I suppose as well it's the first birthday away from my normal family and friends so it is kind of a big deal for me anyway. I haven't set high expectations for him so was just disappointed when he fell below the bar on low expectations but I think it can be dealt with and a learning curve for him as well. We have been together for a while and only living together for 6 months so it's is still a learning curve for both of us I think. Thank you for all the advice it is really appreciated.

[Londres70]

Some guys just aren't great at buying gifts and I would just assume overlook this if this is the only major problem you have.  

I never gave my husband any list of what to buy for me as I LOVE surprises.  I may give hints, but never any lists.  Plus, I believe just the thought he got me something is enough.  Does he always give me what EXACTLY I want, no...but, I still appreciate the gesture.  I have had this same issue with my children.  They may give me something for my birthday, etc. that I wouldn't normally wear or use, however, I do appreciate their gesture of giving me something.  I wear or use what I was given to show them my appreciation.  My husband can pick some strange colors of clothing for me to wear, however, for him those are the colors he likes on me.  

Perhaps by you giving him a list of things to buy was insulting OR he is thinking isn't what I want to give her not worthy enough?  He just might be hurt that you won't accept what he wanted to give you.

Your idea of gift-giving is obviously different than his, however, I wouldn't blow the issue out of proportion.  This is something that can be easily resolved.  

To me....gift-giving should be about what the giver envisions for you and not necessary what you wanted.   I buy myself EXACTLY what I want and let my husband and children give me what they want me to have that way I am never dissappointed.  

  

[specialmom]

Always like your style Londres.  yes I do.  

I think that each couple really has to work out what works for them.  I too never cared what my husband gave me but HE wanted to please me.  And that umbrella with a flashlight at the bottom was nice and all . . . but I had a hard time  faking the joy when  unwrapping this.  Ha, so my dear and really sweet husband wants to know what he can get me.  He'd rather use a list than shop around.  The easier I can make it, the happier he is.  

I'm a good gift buyer and can think about what someone likes ahead of time and pick novel things they'd never have thought of or figure out what they may need.  My husband never told me what he wanted for father's day . .  . but he was thrilled that I noticed a couple of things he needed.  

But that is our personal way of working it out.  

Every couple needs to figure it out.  For some, gifts are a huge deal.  I have a friend like this.  For me, it doesn't matter all that much.

I am a little concerned though when someone's wishes are completely ignored.  A list of 25 things to choose from is big.  He may have wanted to surprise her but could have still chosen something off her list and he is off base completely with what she likes.  They will have to reconcile that.  

I always think people give gifts out of love.  Not obligation----  so hopefully this can all work out.  Peace

[Londres70]

Glad everything worked out for you.