I don't know what to do..

[NatIsLost]

My partner and I have been together for nearly 2 years. We started off with a speed bump- he'd been cheated on by 2 of his exes and had huge trust issues. We broke it off because he hated being 300kms away and knowing that I was out clubbing while he couldn't be there with me. We did the friend thing for a while but that turned into more after a little while. I toned down my partying ways beacause I didn't like all the attention I'd get from other guys while I was out when I had someone who really loves me a few hours away. Things were really good until my Dad died earlier this year and I still hadn't gotten over my grandpa and grandma dying within a month of each other last year. My partner got me through a lot and surprised me by moving up. We shared one bedroom in the flat I was in for a month then found our own place. I started getting really sick but apart from that things were good. We both have really good jobs  so when we found out I was pregnant(which wasn't until I was 15wks! as I was still bleeding) we planned everything for the baby and were really excited. I started getting stressed though when he came home on a Monday and told me his Dad had found a new car for him. Even with that on the budget, we were still gonna be ok. By Saturday, we had our new V8. The following Saturday, 3 days after we got to 4 months, I started getting really bad cramps. On 3.30am Sunday, Mother's Day, I miscarried. My partner had been on call so he was tired and fell asleep in the corner of the hospital ward. To be honest, its been 3 months and I don't think I've had a full night's sleep or a week where I haven't cried. The following Wednesday about 1am, I woke up from a bad dream about my partner coming up to work but instead of seeing me, he went to see my friend Steph(he doesn't know her in reality). That didn't make sense so I tried brushing it off, but it was still nagging at me in the car on Thursday while was in a model car store. For the first time in my life, I checked my partner's phone. There was a text from another Stephanie who was calling herself his girlfriend. I start sobbing and pulled away from him when he came back. We were supposed to the doctors but I asked him to take me home. I sat on our bed and took off the necklace he gave me(it was the first time I'd taken it off since he gave it to me) and told him what I'd seen. He tried telling me she's misunderstood their relationship, that their just friends and he could understand why I looked. (My intution has warned me about my mom's car accident, my dog dying and when my uncle got sick overseas- all of which my partner knows about). But when I said cheating was a dealbreaker for me, he stormed out, crying and I knew he was going to drive and do something stupid. I calmed him down and we just talked through everything. I wish I could say that talk cleared up everything for me, but I still wonder who he's texting when he's so focused on a text conversation.
He's been going back home lately on his own because I've been really stressed and we don't do so well in small spaces together. We've recently moved again, he sprung the news and the date to move in one day so everything was done in a week. I've tried putting my foot down because all of the rushed action is the reason for my stress. Everything is based on his terms and needs and just getting more and more expensive.
Its not like he does it forcefully but I'm the sort that needs to think things over in advance, and he doesn't give me time to do that. He always says sorry but sometimes I don't think he is.
I get paid fortnightly so I pay everything in advance and we spend off his pay which comes through weekly. I spend about $70 of the bulk of my pay on 2 train tickets to get me through until my following pay. He always says I can use his money but then after he spends what he needs to and goes back home, the money that's left, I feel guilty thinking about spending it on me so its put into our savings.
Its is getting frustrating though and I don't want to resent him because he did move up for me and got me through my grief for Dad but it feels like I've had to deal with everything else on my own. It feels like I'm the only one hurt by the loss of our baby even though I know he wanted our baby as much as me. But he's got his V8 to take his mind off it anyway. But my life has been reduced to cleaning and making sure his needs are met. I spend a lot more time on my own now than we he was coming up every weekend when we weren't living together. I still struggle to fully believe that text didn't mean anything although that's usually when I'm frustrated. What hurt most about that was when it happened. He couldn't give his time just for that one week where I was bordering on whether to carry on or not at all.

Because of the miscarriage, I know I'm struggling to cope with thoughts of giving up. Its the first time I've thought about taking my own life. But I'm just 21, I ave a good job and I have a long life ahead of me. I know I can always try again. I don't know what to do about this relationship anymore though.
I feel like I have to fight for his time these days. Right now, he's back home and I'm here waiting for the washing to dry.
I've tried saying we need a break or we need to change things and he always tries for a day or two and then its abck to the way it was. I've even said we need to end things but it never happens.
We've already started out making a life together.

Please tell me what I am doing wrong? What I can do to improve things?
If I should end this relationship, how can I do this in a mature, firm way?
I don't want to run away.
But I'd be naive if I thought that breaking up is not an option but this relationship is not as healthy as it once was.
If things continue this way, I don't know. I haven't had such low esteem, I don't feel worth much anymore and I am getting tired of fighting for us.
Being completely honest, I have thought about overdosing but again I don't want to run away.

[kathy434]

Hi,

First off, I think you need to get some mental health counseling.  Now.  You are having thoughts of suicide already twice mentioned.  You feel such low self esteem.  It is time to have some emotional support.  You have dealt with a lot in the recent year or so.  And your hormones may still be in a free for all yet with returning to nonpregnancy.  The hormones alone can do a number on your emotions.

You will need to make a decision if you want to stay and continue with the way the relationship has been going on, or, to move into your own place and take time to be on your own and socialize with girlfriends and coworkers and take up interests that don't need this boyfriend at your side.  You need time and space to get your head together again.

If you decide you are ready to leave, start looking for your own apartment.  After you have found it, and are ready to leave, break the news to him calmly and have already rehearsed your reason for your decisions.  It need not be anymore than "I want to live alone."  If he tries to argue and convince you otherwise, you will have to stand with your decision and only repeat that you want to be alone now.  Do not give an inch to him.  Have a firm decision, that you want to live by yourself now.  That is all you need to say to him.  He is a big boy now, and he will live through this upset, so don't think you are doing anything terrible.  You are not wrong to want to live alone now.  You are not married, and you have no obligation to stick with him if you don't want to. You owe him nothing.  You owe yourself your sanity, happiness, better self esteem, new friendships and people you feel you can trust, and you owe yourself good health physically and mentally.  It is a good time to regroup yourself.

If you still feel like you are not strong enough to carry out the above plan, but you want to move, get your new apartment quietly, say nothing.  Move into your apartment while he is away, and leave a note for him (that you wrote ahead of time) that you decided to live on your own now.  Thanks for everything.   name.  Leave your house key with the note and be off.  Don't give him your new address or phone number.  Block his cell calls so you don't have to deal with any temptation to be persuaded to return to him.  Then, after you have had some counseling and you are starting to feel very good about yourself and confident about your life, only then, if you so choose to, you can contact him.  But give yourself a good year first.

Also remove your money from your joint account!  Open your own bank account some place else.  Remove the money and take your name off his account.  Then take the money to your new bank and deposite it.  No paper trails.

You didn't mention whether you work at the same place.  Hopefully not.  But if you do, or he comes to your job, you will need to stand firm with your decision to live alone now.  No you don't want to give out your address or phone #.  You need time to get better and you need to be alone now.  (By alone, I don't be holed up in a corner of your apartment.  But starting out on a new life adventure for you.  New people, school, clubing with friends, whatever).  You can vacation with a girlfriend in the mountains, the ocean, A Cruise, and you can just go to a movie, a museum, start a sport or a hobby.  There is a lot you can do.    Stay in touch.  K

[Judy246]

Wow do you have a lot going on for someone who is only 21. No wonder you are so stress and have low self esteem.

I see so much of me in you. As yourself, I experienced many deaths in a short time.
Within an 8 month period, my brother got married and a week later my mother died, week later her brother in law died, week later my bf father died, and I can go on and  on.
Two weeks before Christmas my brother's  wife miscarried their first baby, lost my job, my beloved doggie child died and the man I though I would spend the rest of my life with couldn't handle my grief and also left. I almost had to be hospitalized, because my grief caused my throat to swell very dangerously. My strong Christian faith in God got me through.

Also, suicide is never the answer. A person who thinks about suicide doesn't have the coping skills necessary to what in reality is a temporary situation that shall also pass, if the would just hold on for one more day or get medical help with their depression.

You need time to grieve the death of your father, grandfather and a miscarrage. These are life changing events and the last thing you need is more stress from mistrust in a relationship. He has given you reason to doubt him. Also, as yourself, I have that six sense that tells me when something is wrong or when something is going to happen. We have to listen to that inner voice like a guardian angel warning us when something is just not right. All this moving around is stressfull.

You need time to heal. Quite time to just think and heal. If necessary don't be afraid to seek counseling. Medhelp forum also has grief forum that got me through all the deaths of my family and friends and I found this site as a result.

You need to re-evaluate your relationship. If it's complicated, stressful, trust issues or if you are not in love with him, you need to make decisions and a plan on how to move forward with you life at this point.

You are young and have your entire life ahead of you. If this guy is not the one and you should know deep down in your heart if he is or isn't, them tell him that it's not working out for you and need to move forward with your life. I wish you the best and it's going to be alright..one day at a time.